Go Back   CurlTalk > Life > Non-hair discussion

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-29-2007, 12:50 PM   #1
kcc
 
kcc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Default What do you do if you don't like your sister's boyfriend

Do you do or say anything at all? My older sister's new boyfriend treats my sister in a way that I don't like. He basically asked her to wait on him when she had us over to meet him for dinner. She seems to be happy going out with him, but I don't see sparks or a connection. She has a pattern of dating guys like this for a couple of years at a time, and I'm worried. Should I keep my mouth closed?
kcc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 12:56 PM   #2
 
Scarlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Posts: 12,422
Default

Speak you mind, then kiss it up to God (so to speak). I've been there/done that and until she realizes for herself what a loser she's dealing with, your pleas and advice will go nowhere.
__________________
The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics - Thomas Sowell
Scarlet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 01:11 PM   #3
kcc
 
kcc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Default

I agree, Scarlet. I've spoken up in the past, but I felt like that never worked. She needs to realize it for herself.

We're close friends until I speak my mind and she disagrees with me. Then we don't really talk much until they break up, when she suddenly wants to be close again.
kcc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 01:22 PM   #4
 
BlondieCurl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 248
Default

Definitely keep voicing your opinion. My sister is/was the same way. I actually got the chance to set her up with a guy I knew that was a really great guy. They went out a few times. She decided she didn't like him for whatever reason, but at the very least I knew she'd gone out with a guy who respected her. Hopefully someday she'll remember the experience and dump the losers.

Truthfully, if she gets mad at you for voicing your opinion, it's probably because she knows you're right!
__________________
Somewhere between a 2-3a, Currently loving Innersense Quiet Calm Curl control cocktailed with L'Oreal Melting Gel.
BlondieCurl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:26 PM   #5
 
2happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 5,932
Default

I went through this with my sister. Oh how I hated him and thought he was a big loser that was going to cheat on her and break her heart etc. I went out of my way to get her to see was a creep he was. We went around and around. That was 18 years ago. They've been married for 15 1/2 years, and he's been my boss for 12 1/2 years. I love him to death.

Ok, back to your situation. You should still voice your opinion, reasons, feelings , etc. But, then let it go. When her heart gets broken, be there for her without saying "I told you so".

P.S. My sister and her husband and I all have good laughs about the 'olden' days!

Good luck.
__________________
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it.....Piss on it and walk away.
Location - WI
2happy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:31 PM   #6
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 272
Default

To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
Suzy Zann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:39 PM   #7
 
spiderlashes5000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 19,334
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
I tend to agree. Did she ask for your opinion? Is she an adult? If the answers are no and yes, I'd butt out.

My husband's sister is very meddlesome and it's caused problems w/in the family.
__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

spiderlashes5000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:40 PM   #8
 
geeky's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 10,191
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
I agree. And even if he is a jerk and not good for her, harping on it constantly is only going to drive you and her apart. If you don't think he treats her well, then you can say that (or anything specific) without being overbearing. Something like "It bothers me when he does XYZ", not "I hate your boyfriend, when are you going to dump the jerk?"
__________________
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
geeky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:43 PM   #9
kcc
 
kcc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
Thanks for your thoughts. I know I said she seems happy, but I guess I'm thinking she is not truly happy. Really, she's the only one who knows that. But with her last couple relationships (2 years each), she told me afterwards that she was not really happy at all while in them even though she wanted people to think she was. So I'm trying to think of what's best for her, considering how she is treated by her boyfriend, etc. Our choices are different because we're different people. That's obvious. I don't even have to like the guy. I just want him to treat her well. Guess that's selfish.
kcc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:45 PM   #10
kcc
 
kcc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by geeky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
I agree. And even if he is a jerk and not good for her, harping on it constantly is only going to drive you and her apart. If you don't think he treats her well, then you can say that (or anything specific) without being overbearing. Something like "It bothers me when he does XYZ", not "I hate your boyfriend, when are you going to dump the jerk?"
Yes, I agree with this. I guess I don't want to get involved. I haven't said anything yet, and I don't really plan on it. Just wondered what you guys thought, from your experience.
kcc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:46 PM   #11
 
M2LR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 15,544
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by geeky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
I agree. And even if he is a jerk and not good for her, harping on it constantly is only going to drive you and her apart. If you don't think he treats her well, then you can say that (or anything specific) without being overbearing. Something like "It bothers me when he does XYZ", not "I hate your boyfriend, when are you going to dump the jerk?"
ITA
__________________
M2LR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:48 PM   #12
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 272
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaycee Curly
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
Thanks for your thoughts. I know I said she seems happy, but I guess I'm thinking she is not truly happy. Really, she's the only one who knows that. But with her last couple relationships (2 years each), she told me afterwards that she was not really happy at all while in them even though she wanted people to think she was. So I'm trying to think of what's best for her, considering how she is treated by her boyfriend, etc. Our choices are different because we're different people. That's obvious. I don't even have to like the guy. I just want him to treat her well. Guess that's selfish.
Now please, from your original post it sounded as if you just didn't like him. That's why I questioned your motives. If I read you incorrectly, I'm sorry.

Since you just clarified and said that you don't necessarily have to like the guy, I still say that it's really none of your business. If she comes to you and asks, then yeah, be honest with her if not, I'd keep quiet.
Suzy Zann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 03:23 PM   #13
 
M2LR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 15,544
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaycee Curly
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzy Zann
To be honest with you (and please don't think I'm being a b*tch) but unless he is physically or emotionally abusing her, it's really none of your business.

In your post you said that she seems happy so I'm assuming that she likes him. Therefore I'm assuming that the only reason you would say something to her is that you don't like him.

If she's happy like you said, then saying something to her has no point other than to get her to find someone you like. Isn't that a bit selfish?
Thanks for your thoughts. I know I said she seems happy, but I guess I'm thinking she is not truly happy. Really, she's the only one who knows that. But with her last couple relationships (2 years each), she told me afterwards that she was not really happy at all while in them even though she wanted people to think she was. So I'm trying to think of what's best for her, considering how she is treated by her boyfriend, etc. Our choices are different because we're different people. That's obvious. I don't even have to like the guy. I just want him to treat her well. Guess that's selfish.
Of course we all want our siblings to chose wisely when it comes to dating. I do have to agree though that it's none of your business. With time, hopefully she will learn that SHE isn't making the right choices. It sounds like she needs to work on being happy with herself, and not worrying so much about how she wants other people to think that she's happy, that's not going to get her very far.
__________________
M2LR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 03:46 PM   #14
kcc
 
kcc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Default

I agree with most of the comments here. I agree that it's not my business. I was thinking about it because she just asked me yesterday what I thought about her boyfriend, and I didn't know how to respond. I stayed on the edge of positive/neutral. Then I thought, what a second, am I supposed to say something here? Is there a reason why she's asking me?
kcc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 03:48 PM   #15
 
M2LR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 15,544
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaycee Curly
I agree with most of the comments here. I agree that it's not my business. I was thinking about it because she just asked me yesterday what I thought about her boyfriend, and I didn't know how to respond. I stayed on the edge of positive/neutral. Then I thought, what a second, am I supposed to say something here? Is there a reason why she's asking me?
If she asked you, then I would tell, but as someone all ready mentioned, I wouldn't perhaps be as harsh as I would if I were talking to someone else about it, if that makes sense.
__________________
M2LR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 03:57 PM   #16
 
Aries_jb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,340
Default

My sister was with a guy for six years. She was unhappy, cried all the time, and basically wasn't getting what she wanted out of that relationship. She asked for my opinion, I was honest, and she screamed at me as if I was butting in with my unsolicited opinion. From that point on, when she complained to me, I told you, "You got yourself into this. If you want to get out, then get out yourself."

Yeah, I know it was not sisterly of me, but we hate each other anyway . I digress though. One day, her bf rented a van, packed all his stuff, and went to Germany. He told her he was "just visiting" but he never came back. That was the end of that. A lot of pain for nothing if you ask me.
__________________
www.myspace.com/littlemonkey0403
3B that is no longer CG, but still endeavors to have healthy hair by not using sulfates.
Aries_jb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 04:02 PM   #17
kcc
 
kcc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaycee Curly
I agree with most of the comments here. I agree that it's not my business. I was thinking about it because she just asked me yesterday what I thought about her boyfriend, and I didn't know how to respond. I stayed on the edge of positive/neutral. Then I thought, what a second, am I supposed to say something here? Is there a reason why she's asking me?
If she asked you, then I would tell, but as someone all ready mentioned, I wouldn't perhaps be as harsh as I would if I were talking to someone else about it, if that makes sense.
Yes, that makes perfect sense. She will probably ask again, and I should think of a way to respond in a non-harsh way. I'd rather not deal with it at all.
kcc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 09:41 PM   #18
 
ducky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,619
Default

I was in a relationship that was not really healthy or happy - certainly not abusive, but not healthy.

My whole family saw it (except my mother, who still occasionally asks if I'm in touch with my ex. Um... no. I am getting married to another man, but thanks, mom) and said nothing until after we had broken up. We were together for two and a half years and were planning on getting married!

I was totally blind to the issues in that relationship, and I wish someone had said something. No, I probably would not have acted immediately, but I would have at least examined the relationship and taken into consideration their concern.
__________________
Location: Napa, CA
ducky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2007, 08:56 AM   #19
 
Josephine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 16,554
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ducky
I wish someone had said something. No, I probably would not have acted immediately, but I would have at least examined the relationship and taken into consideration their concern.
To me it's a duty as a good friend and definitely family member to objectively let someone know if they are making poor choices. Some people may see it as being invasive and not minding their own business but I don't think so.
Josephine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2007, 09:21 AM   #20
 
spiderlashes5000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 19,334
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josephine
Quote:
Originally Posted by ducky
I wish someone had said something. No, I probably would not have acted immediately, but I would have at least examined the relationship and taken into consideration their concern.
To me it's a duty as a good friend and definitely family member to objectively let someone know if they are making poor choices. Some people may see it as being invasive and not minding their own business but I don't think so.
How is someone on the outside going to know better than the people involved that the relationship is a 'poor choice?'

Unless I ask for opinions, friends of mine had better not. And I've learned to hold my tongue, as well. That kind of stuff was OK when we were in high school, etc. But as adults, you never know when the SO you groused about will wind up as a spouse...and of course they'll hear all about what you said and why you don't approve, etc.

But yes, if opinions/advice are solicited, you should speak up, definitely.
__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

spiderlashes5000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Trending Topics[-]hide

Thread Tools
Display Modes



Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:08 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com