Are you in an Emotionally Abusive relationship?

M2LR · 03-16-2005, 04:24 PM

from today's Oprah...

Name calling, blaming others for anything that goes wrong, pushing the relationship too fast, wants your undivided attention, must be in charge, he always has to win, jealous of close friends/family and all other men, mean temper, often says that you don't know what you're talking about, withdraws love as punishment, pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy...

Mar · 03-16-2005, 04:26 PM

I can't imagine my husband calling me names.
He doesn't even SWEAR

roseannadana · 03-16-2005, 04:33 PM

I'm not in an abusive relationship, but many years ago Dear Abby listed the 15 Warning Signs of Abuse. I didn't see Oprah's show, but I hope you don't mind that I add Dear Abby's list to your very important topic!

15 Warning Signs of Abuse:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

M2LR · 03-16-2005, 04:34 PM

You know, as I read this, I realize that I am almost STILL suffering from the effects of my emotionally abusive relationship. It happened when I was a teenager - my first boyfriend. And while my husband isn't like that, some of those things have really stuck.

Chakra · 03-16-2005, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M2LR

You know, as I read this, I realize that I am almost STILL suffering from the effects of my emotionally abusive relationship. It happened when I was a teenager - my first boyfriend. And while my husband isn't like that, some of those things have really stuck.

That's why I wanted to start this because someone may read this thread and say "that's me" and then realize that other women go through this and can get out/ get help/realize it is not there fault/are not alone...things like that.

roseannadana · 03-16-2005, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M2LR

You know, as I read this, I realize that I am almost STILL suffering from the effects of my emotionally abusive relationship. It happened when I was a teenager - my first boyfriend. And while my husband isn't like that, some of those things have really stuck.

Many abused people suffer from post traumatic stress. I'm glad you've found someone who treats you well!

frau · 03-16-2005, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roseannadana

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and work.

my prior relationship wasn't abusive imo, but it contained the above.

NetG · 03-16-2005, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M2LR

You know, as I read this, I realize that I am almost STILL suffering from the effects of my emotionally abusive relationship. It happened when I was a teenager - my first boyfriend. And while my husband isn't like that, some of those things have really stuck.

Sorry to hear that.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in 2001, and stuck it out longer than I would have otherwise because he had multiple traumatic events happen to him at once (best friend died suddenly of a heart attack, laid off from his job, 2 friends killed on 9/11, sister diagnosed with a terminal disease), but realized at some point that he wasn't being a jerk because of those things-he was just a jerk.

For a year after, I refused to date. The idea of a guy getting anywhere near me repulsed me. I am worried that I'll still have repurcussions in future relationships, but I'm certainly doing better than I was.

03-16-2005, 06:39 PM

I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship when I was married and yes, the effects are still with me. I stuck it out for 25 years because I felt you shouldn't leave a marriage no matter what. I know better now. Now I'm in a healthy relationship.

I wanted to mention that the above list from Dear Abby is probably the extreme. The abuser doesn't have to have all of those traits to be a true abuser. Also, a lot of times, the abuser has a drug, alcohol or other abuse problem, but that too isn't 100%.

Pennywise · 03-16-2005, 07:30 PM

My wife sometimes threatens to kick my arse.

Sweet Curly · 03-17-2005, 06:13 AM

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

These 4 things marked a 3-year relationship I had. The weirdest thing for me was that I was always a very strong person. I knew who I was, I have a great family, great friends. Everyone in my life has always been very loving and kind to me. The only way I can explain how I let this happen to me was that I was very new to the dating scene. I'd been fat all my life and never really had any dates to speak of. I lost a lot of weight and this was unfortunately the first guy that came along. I had nothing to compare to.

The worst part for me was the fact that I allowed myself to start doubting my own sensibilities. I thought the way he was treating me was somehow normal, even though I knew it wasn't. It took a long time for me to even realize what he was doing at first. First was the Isolation. He moved me away from my family, made horrible comments about my friends, told me I "didn't have to work". It was all done so that he could isolate me, and I thought he did it because he loved me. I still to this day can't believe that I allowed such a jerk to make me feel the way he did for so long. I have no idea why I put up with it. I kept thinking he would change. I kept thinking if he was around me and my normal family and my normal friends that someday he would realize how to treat me, what a normal relationship was. I thought I could fix him. I finally realized I couldn't and got out, but it took a couple years for me to get back to my normal, strong self.

I thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have now.

Spider · 03-17-2005, 06:17 AM

I'm not now (thank God) but I have been. Luckily I "knew" what was going on, but thought I could change him to be the better man he wanted to be. I call it the Crusader Syndrome. No more of that crap.

Scarlet · 03-17-2005, 06:19 AM

I used to be

PartyHair · 03-17-2005, 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet Curly

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

These 4 things marked a 3-year relationship I had. The weirdest thing for me was that I was always a very strong person. I knew who I was, I have a great family, great friends. Everyone in my life has always been very loving and kind to me.

The worst part for me was the fact that I allowed myself to start doubting my own sensibilities. I thought the way he was treating me was somehow normal, even though I knew it wasn't. It took a long time for me to even realize what he was doing at first. First was the Isolation. He moved me away from my family, made horrible comments about my friends, told me I "didn't have to work". It was all done so that he could isolate me, and I thought he did it because he loved me. I still to this day can't believe that I allowed such a jerk to make me feel the way he did for so long. I have no idea why I put up with it. I kept thinking he would change. I kept thinking if he was around me and my normal family and my normal friends that someday he would realize how to treat me, what a normal relationship was. I thought I could fix him. I finally realized I couldn't and got out, but it took a couple years for me to get back to my normal, strong self.

I thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have now.

Sweet Curly, my experience with my ex-husband is eerily similar to what you just described, right down to my personality, family, and friends. I look back now and I just cannot believe that I got involved in that situation.

I too thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have now. He's a blessing up, down, front, back and sideways.

Jenny C · 03-17-2005, 08:27 AM

I am not, but my sister is. I tried to warn her before she married the guy but she gave me the classic denial excuses - "that's just how he is" and "you don't know him like I do" and of course when I brought stuff up that he said to me, she told me, "you're just too sensitive, you need therapy"- nice

Since then I just shut my mouth and pretend he's normal. It's like the elephant in the room, but I'm so afraid that if I talk about what a jerk he is, she'll just turn against me.

The scary thing is my sister is no dummy. She's very successful in business, has her MBA from Columbia and a really good job - not someone you would expect to get herself involved with someone like this. It can happen to anyone. He got her at her most vulnerable times. They got together when she was going through a painful breakup and he gave her lots of attention and I'm sure was a great ego boost for her at the time. Then they got engaged while my mother was in the hospital with cancer about a week before she died. Now she's stuck and she's got baby #2 on the way. I'm really afraid for her if she decides to stop working. I think the abuse will get way worse once he has all the financial power.

M2LR · 03-17-2005, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet Curly

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

These 4 things marked a 3-year relationship I had. The weirdest thing for me was that I was always a very strong person. I knew who I was, I have a great family, great friends. Everyone in my life has always been very loving and kind to me.

The worst part for me was the fact that I allowed myself to start doubting my own sensibilities. I thought the way he was treating me was somehow normal, even though I knew it wasn't. It took a long time for me to even realize what he was doing at first. First was the Isolation. He moved me away from my family, made horrible comments about my friends, told me I "didn't have to work". It was all done so that he could isolate me, and I thought he did it because he loved me. I still to this day can't believe that I allowed such a jerk to make me feel the way he did for so long. I have no idea why I put up with it. I kept thinking he would change. I kept thinking if he was around me and my normal family and my normal friends that someday he would realize how to treat me, what a normal relationship was. I thought I could fix him. I finally realized I couldn't and got out, but it took a couple years for me to get back to my normal, strong self.

I thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have now.

Sweet Curly, my experience with my ex-husband is eerily similar to what you just described, right down to my personality, family, and friends. I look back now and I just cannot believe that I got involved in that situation.

I too thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have now. He's a blessing up, down, front, back and sideways.

WOW, me too. Those things sound exactly like my situation was too...add on the jealousy and telling me how to dress and things like that. He'd get so mad if another guy so much as even LOOKED at me. One of the strongest things that I have done to this day was break up with him.

Chakra · 03-17-2005, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenny C

I am not, but my sister is. I tried to warn her before she married the guy but she gave me the classic denial excuses - "that's just how he is" and "you don't know him like I do" and of course when I brought stuff up that he said to me, she told me, "you're just too sensitive, you need therapy"- nice

Since then I just shut my mouth and pretend he's normal. It's like the elephant in the room, but I'm so afraid that if I talk about what a jerk he is, she'll just turn against me.

The scary thing is my sister is no dummy. She's very successful in business, has her MBA from Columbia and a really good job - not someone you would expect to get herself involved with someone like this. It can happen to anyone. He got her at her most vulnerable times. They got together when she was going through a painful breakup and he gave her lots of attention and I'm sure was a great ego boost for her at the time. Then they got engaged while my mother was in the hospital with cancer about a week before she died. Now she's stuck and she's got baby #2 on the way. I'm really afraid for her if she decides to stop working. I think the abuse will get way worse once he has all the financial power.

That's exactly it... it CAN happen to anyone. Abuse happens to women of every class and socio-economic level. That's what Oprah was talking about, how abuse DOES NOT just happen in "poor" homes.

One of the parents at my son's school has seemingly everything. Her husbands wealthy, she has a nice big rock, expensive car and SUV, high fashion clothes yet I know she's being abused. She has had two different black eyes in the last year. One of which was when she was pregnant. You can just tell by looking in her eyes that her husband did it. It is so sad because she volunteeers at the school and puts on the happy face.

PartyHair · 03-17-2005, 08:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenny C

Now she's stuck and she's got baby #2 on the way. I'm really afraid for her if she decides to stop working. I think the abuse will get way worse once he has all the financial power.

She isn't stuck. She can get out. It won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but she can get out if she chooses to. And you need to be there for her, as I'm sure you will be.

Can she get any financial help from you or your folks? Can your folks babysit while she goes back to work? Can she move in with you or your folks for a while?

She also should seek counselling NOW.

I would NEVER have been able to extricate myself from that horrible marriage without the love and support of my parents and my best friend. I worried constantly that he would try to commit suicide again and that this time he would be successful and then it really WOULD be all my fault.

Ugh. I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Best of luck to your sister, Jenny.

Jenny C · 03-17-2005, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenny C

Now she's stuck and she's got baby #2 on the way. I'm really afraid for her if she decides to stop working. I think the abuse will get way worse once he has all the financial power.

She isn't stuck. She can get out. It won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but she can get out if she chooses to. And you need to be there for her, as I'm sure you will be.

Can she get any financial help from you or your folks? Can your folks babysit while she goes back to work? Can she move in with you or your folks for a while?

She also should seek counselling NOW.

I would NEVER have been able to extricate myself from that horrible marriage without the love and support of my parents and my best friend. I worried constantly that he would try to commit suicide again and that this time he would be successful and then it really WOULD be all my fault.

Ugh. I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Best of luck to your sister, Jenny.

Thanks PH.

The thing is that she isn't ready to admit she's in a bad situation so her getting out or going to counseling right now isn't likely. Instead of talking about it and dealing with it she just takes her anger out on others. She'll blow up at inappropriate times for stupid things.

We all just pretend things are normal. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. She's just not ready to leave him yet, she doesn't even talk about it. Instead she's having more babies and they're talking about building a house. I've stopped calling her at night because when he's home he just interupts the whole time until she gets so annoyed she'll hang up (isolation). I'll only talk to her at work now.

In the past when I've said something she just snapped at me, so I just try to be here, even if we don't talk about anything important.

They have lots and lots of money so that's not an issue but she's thinking about quitting work since they can afford for her to do that once the second baby comes. That's what I'm worried about.

Sweet Curly · 03-17-2005, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

I would NEVER have been able to extricate myself from that horrible marriage without the love and support of my parents and my best friend. I worried constantly that he would try to commit suicide again and that this time he would be successful and then it really WOULD be all my fault.

Ugh. I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

More similarities in our situations. My family showed up on the final day after a teary phone call to my father explaining that I just couldn't take it anymore. My brothers left work, my parents rented a moving truck and everyone showed up at our apartment (including the police) to help me get away. My parents spent the next month boarding me and helping me try and find a place to live.

My ex threatened to kill himself so many times that by the end I was responding with "yeah, right. Here's the knife". He ran out of the house in tears 3 days after I moved to Chicago to be with him because I had realized even that early that I'd made a mistake, and we had a fight. He ran out of the house saying he was going to kill himself. I'd NEVER experienced anything like that and of course thought he was going to do it. I called the police. It was a huge fiasco. That was THREE days after I moved in with him. It happened so many times after that that I became immune to that threat. He'd never really tried to kill himself, just threatened. That of course was all a show to try and make me feel obligated to the relationship. I can't believe how many of these men are out there. I'm sure there are women abusers too, and I'm equally amazed.