Who should instigate a relationship?

NetG · 03-20-2005, 01:59 PM

So apparently some people believe in "ALWAYS let the man make the first move" and "NEVER EVER call a man."

I think that's foolish.

How many relationships do *you* know of which would never have happened without the woman doing some of the moving?

I apologize for the fact this poll is solely in regards to hetero relationships, but the male/female/who takes which role debate seems to cater to that in this case.

(For the sake of this poll, if you're not GuardianB, please don't count his relationship, so we don't count him many times.)

SaKkeh · 03-20-2005, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

How many relationships do *you* know of which would never have happened without the woman doing some of the moving?

I know at least 4 such relationships and they have turned out well. In fact, those men seemed to have liked the fact that the women werent passive. Those men are also more attracted to the strong, independent outspoken type who goes after what she wants in all aspects of her life.

CurlyNight · 03-20-2005, 02:13 PM

I've initiated most of the serious relationships I've been in. Most guys actually commented that they were glad I did because they were too shy to do it, or thought I had a boyfriend, wasn't really interested, etc...

To never initiate a relationship means you could be letting the one for you pass you by. There is a difference between initiating contact and acting desperate clingy. The men's challenge is keeping you interested in them once the contact and interest is established, not vice versa.

geeky · 03-20-2005, 02:16 PM

If I had waited for the man to make the first move, I wouldn't be married now.

NetG · 03-20-2005, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyNight

To never initiate a relationship means you could be letting the one for you pass you by. There is a difference between initiating contact and acting desperate clingy. The men's challenge is keeping you interested in them once the contact and interest is established, not vice versa.

I agree with you, very much. Especially the bold part.

I just believe in a relationship being equal and balanced. Sure, the guy may do some extra heavy lifting for me, but in return there's probably something he either dislikes or doesn't want to do, which I should do. Same thing applies to contact-I think it's a two-way street. And as you said, CN-it'snot being clingy, but reciprocating.

~915~ · 03-20-2005, 02:33 PM

NetG, I'm not impressed. This is childish. You're re-phrasing what that thread and my post were all about. No one said anything about making ALL the moves. (Also, I was referring to marriages, not relationships, and I can tell you for a fact that they are different.)

In Sexual Psych, I learned that women very commonly make the first move. Men generally don't ask a woman out unless she's given him a sign that she probably will say yes. No one likes rejection.

Seriously, I think you're bringing some personal baggage to this discussion.

NetG · 03-20-2005, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chocolate Curls

NetG, I'm not impressed. This is childish. You're re-phrasing what that thread and my post were all about. No one said anything about making ALL the moves. (Also, I was referring to marriages, not relationships, and I can tell you for a fact that they are different.)

In Sexual Psych, I learned that women very commonly make the first move. Men generally don't ask a woman out unless she's given him a sign that she probably will say yes. No one likes rejection.

Seriously, I think you're bringing some personal baggage to this discussion.

I think you may be the one with the baggage. If you re-read the first post in the other thread, it was a question about a friend who had a rule to NEVER EVER call a man. The thread continued from there. If your personal beliefs are different, that's fine, then this thread isn't about your beliefs. It *is* however about people such as rastacurl's thread with silly rules.

SaKkeh · 03-20-2005, 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chocolate Curls

Seriously, I think you're bringing some personal baggage to this discussion.

'say whut???

nah she di'n't

SaKkeh · 03-20-2005, 02:57 PM

Frankly Net, what I dont think alot of men are 'impressed' by is the eye-lash batting, and game playing. If you are interested in someone, whether as a long term or short term partner, there should be no need to 'wait' for them to make, whether it be the first, second or last 'move', As someone else said, there is a difference between being a clingy psychotic beyotch and being assertive.

sew and sew · 03-20-2005, 03:11 PM

Heh thanks for doing the poll. Like I said in the other thread that rule makes me

Also ITA about the difference between initiating and being clingy. There is truth to the men like the pursuit thing, but it doesn't have to mean a girl initiating something is an automatic turn off. And ultimately to have a real relationship both people need to be their real selves. How is enjoying someone's company and their person and then totally not expressing that in hopes they do it first, real? Maybe it's not an absolute thing but I think my brother is right when it comes to most guys...if the whole point is the chase, they're not ready for a relationship.

kimmyc · 03-20-2005, 03:23 PM

I had a 4 year relationship with someone that I initiated. I'm so glad that I did otherwise it could have been a missed opportunity.

The way I see it is whether you are a guy or gal, if you're interested and sense some interest back, give it a shot. No one likes being rejected but it's better than not knowing imo.

Carroll · 03-20-2005, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

So apparently some people believe in "ALWAYS let the man make the first move" and "NEVER EVER call a man."

First Move and calling are totally separate!!! As I stated in the other thread, I had to make the first moves several times as far as going over to talk to them or kissing them, BUT when they got my number I let them call ME!!! Until a relationship was established, they did the calling. If I never went over to talk to the guys after they had stared at me for a long time, then we never would have had a relationship in the first place.

NetG · 03-20-2005, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carroll

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

So apparently some people believe in "ALWAYS let the man make the first move" and "NEVER EVER call a man."

First Move and calling are totally separate!!! As I stated in the other thread, I had to make the first moves several times as far as going over to talk to them or kissing them, BUT when they got my number I let them call ME!!! Until a relationship was established, they did the calling. If I never went over to talk to the guys after they had stared at me for a long time, then we never would have had a relationship in the first place.

Yup, definitely different. The reason I made the poll about first move rather than calling was (1) I think it's actually probably less controversial, but also (2) because we seem to revisit the first move topic often, but I've never seen a poll, so I was particularly curious to see how that'd turn out.

Oh, and the comment about being true to yourself is also good. Some people are very shy or whatever, and if that's the case aggressively going after someone is not being true to yourself, either. I'm not trying to judge either way, just fight against hard and fast rules which shouldn't be applied to all situations.

GuardianB · 03-20-2005, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

(For the sake of this poll, if you're not GuardianB, please don't count his relationship, so we don't count him many times.)

I don't know whether to feel honored or ashamed.

NetG · 03-20-2005, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GuardianB

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

(For the sake of this poll, if you're not GuardianB, please don't count his relationship, so we don't count him many times.)

I don't know whether to feel honored or ashamed.

Flattered that I love you (platonically, of course) enough to remember.

wild~hair · 03-20-2005, 06:03 PM

Define 'move'.

It's a dance and both parties are responsible.

NetG · 03-20-2005, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sfcurlee

Define 'move'.

It's a dance and both parties are responsible.

That's a hard question.... I'm thinking first approach/if friends first ask out/etc. Depends on the relationship.

One friend, I was thinking that she approached and introducted herself to, then asked her now-husband to go to some event with her, and got him a present when she found out it was his birthday. Another friend was friends with her now husband, thought he was interested in her, and flat out told him she was crazy about him.

GuardianB · 03-20-2005, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

Quote:

Originally Posted by GuardianB

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

(For the sake of this poll, if you're not GuardianB, please don't count his relationship, so we don't count him many times.)

I don't know whether to feel honored or ashamed.

Flattered that I love you (platonically, of course) enough to remember.

:couple:couple.gif

wild~hair · 03-20-2005, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

Quote:

Originally Posted by sfcurlee

Define 'move'.

It's a dance and both parties are responsible.

That's a hard question.... I'm thinking first approach/if friends first ask out/etc. Depends on the relationship.

Yeah. The reason I ask is because so much of what goes on is body language and other very subtle stuff. So it's really hard to say.

I will agree that most men prefer a chase. It used to disgust me that this seemed to be true, then I just realized one day that men and women can strive toward equality, but we will never be the same. As such, if a man wants to have his "chase," I'm happy to let him do so. But he's not fooling anyone.