Spinoff: Your marital status and your attitude re: cheating

geeky · 04-12-2005, 09:09 AM

I got the sense from the other thread that it was mostly single people saying "kick him to the curb no matter what" and mostly married people saying "I don't know. It depends"

So I would like to conduct an unscientific survery to test my hypothesis.

Damn - is the poll option disabled?

GuardianB · 04-12-2005, 09:15 AM

The situation would have to determine the action. It is not cut and dry.

M2LR · 04-12-2005, 09:21 AM

I am married, and I would LIKE to say that I would kick him to the curb. But without being in that situation, and having a home and a child, I am not sure what I would do.

When I was single, I said, "If my husband ever cheated on me, I would leave him in a heartbeat..."

geeky · 04-12-2005, 09:22 AM

I agree, M2LR. I used tothink the same way.

curlyincanada · 04-12-2005, 09:29 AM

We have kids. I can't say for sure that I could make him leave.

I would be more likely to cling to the chance that we could make it work, for the sake of our girls.

I have a girlfriend whose husband just left her, she was 7 months pregnant at the time and is due next week, first baby. Her husband is acting like an immature ass, basically saying he got married too soon (they had been together for 7 years when they married) and he felt he wasn't ready to be tied down (too young at the age of 31). I am one of the few people who didn't give her the absolute advice to "kick him to the curb", because in her situation I would want the child to have a chance at a stable family life with both parents. It turns out he is continuing to be a royal dick about everything, and reconciliation is looking unlikely, but I think when there are kids involved it is much harder to slam and lock the door.

CurlyCanadian · 04-12-2005, 09:34 AM

I have no idea, because I'm not married and don't have kids, but was just wondering. For everyone who's saying they want it to work because of the kids, do you really think it will? I mean if you stay togeather for the sake of the kids, is that really a better situation than Mom and Dad split up but possibly with someone who makes them happy?

BTW CiC, I LOVE the new picture in your Avatar, she's getting so big

browneyedgirl27 · 04-12-2005, 09:35 AM

Here's the deal: If I'm dating a guy who cheats on me, I would definitely end the relationship. However, marriage is different. There's way more of a commitment there and is a lot more complicated to end. I'm not married, never have been, but in my opinion, I would work a lot harder at reconciliation if we're married. Especially if there are children involved.

mrspoppers · 04-12-2005, 09:37 AM

My answer depends on the presence or absence of kids. My given my situation today, if I found out tomorrow that my husband was cheated or had cheated, I would leave immediately and there would be no second chance. I do know that for a fact.

If we had kids, my answer would be different.

Amneris · 04-12-2005, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrspoppers

My answer depends on the presence or absence of kids. My given my situation today, if I found out tomorrow that my husband was cheated or had cheated, I would leave immediately and there would be no second chance. I do know that for a fact.

If we had kids, my answer would be different.

exactly.. I weighed in on this on the original thread.
A year or two of marriage and no kids = kicked to the curb.
15 years of marriage and 4 kids under 12 = depends.
There's self respect and there's selfishness - I'd have to ask myself what would hurt my kids more.

My girlfriend just kicked her husband to the curb for cheating BUT he was working only sporadically, racking up debts and never giving her money for her or their 2 year old daughter, violent, irresponsible, disrespectful, and a chronic marijuana user, and she was sick of being around him. There was little love left and little benefit to her or her daughter to having him around - his cursing and violence and drug use was actually detrimental to the child. The cheating was only the last straw in a laundry list of offences, but it was one that he and people could more readily accept as a deal-breaker.

However, I know another couple who stayed together after he cheated because there was no way they could maintain 2 residences and keep the kids in private school, sports etc. Years later, they seem no less or more happy than anyone else and he seems to have really changed his ways and has even become a more humble and nice person than he was.

You never know what is going on in another person's marriage, so I am not going to say either of these couples is right or wrong and the woman does or doesn't respect herself.

Morena · 04-12-2005, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by browneyedgirl27

Here's the deal: If I'm dating a guy who cheats on me, I would definitely end the relationship. However, marriage is different. There's way more of a commitment there and is a lot more complicated to end. I'm not married, never have been, but in my opinion, I would work a lot harder at reconciliation if we're married. Especially if there are children involved.

I agree with this. This is what I said in the other thread about cheating too. For me, when your single and dating someone, that is the time you are still getting to know each other and learning to gain trust. You have no obligations to each other because you are not married. They say it takes a least a year to really get to know a person, and for me if within that year a guy is already cheating...that just blows the trust for me, I would break up with him. I mean if we were to get married, would he have cheated on me within a year of our marriage? Just my opinion, I think that the way a person treats you during the whole courting/dating stages gives you a glimpse of how they are going to treat you if you were married to them.

But in marriage, I understand it's very different. Since that is a true commitment, there's a whole lot of issues involved so I can understand how someone would want to stay if his/her spouse had cheated on them.

Now if it was a continuous affair and he was not apologetic about it, I still say I would kick his butt to the curb though..lol.

legends · 04-12-2005, 09:51 AM

I'm single, and I'd kick him to the curb. There is too much family history of infidelity (not my father(that I know of), but every other man in my family), and I refuse to be like any of my female relatives. Hearing their reasons for staying....I just can't. Also, in my culture, infidelity is seen as just an annoying male habit, like leaving dirty socks on the floor. It's a wife's job to keep her husband in control, as if he's a ****ing child. If I hear that a woman who leaves a man "just" for cheating will die single one more time...

I KNOW that those reasons seem pretty weak. I KNOW that there are men who cheat who truly regret what they did and who won't do it again. But there is always the belief in the back of my mind that in forgiving a man for cheating you are just giving him permission to do it again. I think of one of my uncles, who cheated on his first wife so many times it was a joke. He even slept with her 18 year old NIECE. The wife's reaction? She beat the hell out of the niece and just had an argument with my uncle. And in the end, HE left HER when he got another woman pregnant. It's been this way in every one of his relationships - he is always the one who leaves. And I always think that if he was left at the very beginning of his dating life, he would have been much better for it in later relationships. And this uncle is just one example.

Jenny C · 04-12-2005, 09:52 AM

I think we also have to remember that many times cheating is a symptom of a problem, and there are couples who say they grew closer after the affair because it forced them to work on the real problems in their marriage. I'm not saying that there is ever a true justification for cheating, but sometimes that's not the biggest problem a marriage can have.

As far as staying for kids, I don't know if it's better or not to stay in a bad marriage just for the kids, but I think you at least owe couneling a try to possibly improve the situation if kids are involved. I don't think saying, "Well I'm happier with Jane than you" is a good enough excuse. It's not all about you and what you want when you make a commitment of marriage and have kids.

geeky · 04-12-2005, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian

I have no idea, because I'm not married and don't have kids, but was just wondering. For everyone who's saying they want it to work because of the kids, do you really think it will? I mean if you stay togeather for the sake of the kids, is that really a better situation than Mom and Dad split up but possibly with someone who makes them happy?

BTW CiC, I LOVE the new picture in your Avatar, she's getting so big

I would not stay together no matter what, even if I was miserable and he continued to be an ass, just for the sake of the kids. But when there are kids the stakes are much higher. Having a child now, I know I am less inclined to say "screw it, let's end this relationship" and more inclined to at least try to stay together and make it work. And I would think my husband would feel the same way. And I don't mean lets pretend it didn't happen and forgive and forget. With any betrayal of trust, sexual or otherwise, there is a lot of work that needs to be done in order for the relationship to still work. Having kids, I am more willing to put in that work.

Amneris · 04-12-2005, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian

I have no idea, because I'm not married and don't have kids, but was just wondering. For everyone who's saying they want it to work because of the kids, do you really think it will? I mean if you stay togeather for the sake of the kids, is that really a better situation than Mom and Dad split up but possibly with someone who makes them happy?

BTW CiC, I LOVE the new picture in your Avatar, she's getting so big

Kids almost ALWAYS prefer Mom and Dad together unless there is bad abuse or constant fighting, or unless they are grown enough to see both sides. Being with someone who makes you happy is nice for Mom or Dad but not necessarily for the child. Many people stay together till the kids are in or done collgee, then split and find someone who makes them happy.

Plus, divorce does affect the child's whole lifestyle. If one parent was staying at home, working from home or part-time, this is probably going to end. The child's schooling and activities may change because of money concerns or having to move. They may end up with joint custody living in two homes, or selling the home they knew.

I'm not saying people shouldn't get divorced. Sometimes it's necessary. But it is very tough for kids and it can be hard for them to adjust. So it should only be done as a last resort.

Oregano (formerly babywavy) · 04-12-2005, 10:01 AM

I don't think that's true. I came from a divorced family, and although it was really hard when my parents split up, it was even harder having them together but fighting all the time. Kids are extremely aware and impressionable. If you're staying together b/c of them, but you're not happy, they're going to pick up on it. Plus, you're giving them a bad example of how a relationship should be. B/c my parents stayed together for a while when it wasn't working out, I had no idea how a stable relationship worked. I went through some horrible relationships, and I put up w/ a lot of bs, b/c I didn't know what a healthy relationship was. If you can't have a loving marriage to build a foundation for your children, I think you're better off not being married at all.

CGNYC · 04-12-2005, 10:07 AM

Quote:

I think we also have to remember that many times cheating is a symptom of a problem, and there are couples who say they grew closer after the affair because it forced them to work on the real problems in their marriage. I'm not saying that there is ever a true justification for cheating, but sometimes that's not the biggest problem a marriage can have.

I think this is such a weak argument. Even if they decide to get it together and make it work AFTER someone cheats, they could've done that before and just eliminated the whole cheating thing. It pisses me off when I see some "Cheating Saved My Marriage" BS on the cover of magazines. The marriage could've been saved if they'd put in the effort BEFORE the cheating.

legends · 04-12-2005, 10:08 AM

You're absolutely right, babywavy. My parents didn't divorce until I was a senior in highschool. And while they never fought or anything like that, it was obvious that they stayed married for their daughters and because everything was so stable. Considering the rest of my family, that means that I never saw any examples of good, loving marriages while growing up.

CGNYC · 04-12-2005, 10:09 AM

Quote:

I don't think that's true. I came from a divorced family, and although it was really hard when my parents split up, it was even harder having them together but fighting all the time.

The very first line of Amneris' post was

Quote:

Kids almost ALWAYS prefer Mom and Dad together unless there is bad abuse or constant fighting

CurlyCanadian · 04-12-2005, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geeky

And I don't mean lets pretend it didn't happen and forgive and forget. With any betrayal of trust, sexual or otherwise, there is a lot of work that needs to be done in order for the relationship to still work. Having kids, I am more willing to put in that work.

Gotcha, thats just the impression I was getting from some of the posts. It makes more sense stated that way!

Quote:

Kids almost ALWAYS prefer Mom and Dad together unless there is bad abuse or constant fighting, or unless they are grown enough to see both sides. Being with someone who makes you happy is nice for Mom or Dad but not necessarily for the child. Many people stay together till the kids are in or done collgee, then split and find someone who makes them happy.

I realise kids would prefer to see Mom & Dad stay togeather, but it that whats really healthiest? My Aunt & Uncle got divorced. Not because either had been unfaithful, fighting, anything major really. They just relaised they had fallen out of love and were living more as roomates than lovers. There both now in LTR and both very happy. I think it's better for the kids to see them this way than if they had stayed togeather. You have so many oppurtunities in life to see platonic realtionships work, and very few romantic. What does the child learn when the parents stay togeather in an unhappy marriage and split up onec they've gone to college? I personally think it would be an all around unhealthy situation. But then I have no experience, so just speculating here.

Amneris · 04-12-2005, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babywavy

I don't think that's true. I came from a divorced family, and although it was really hard when my parents split up, it was even harder having them together but fighting all the time. Kids are extremely aware and impressionable. If you're staying together b/c of them, but you're not happy, they're going to pick up on it. Plus, you're giving them a bad example of how a relationship should be. B/c my parents stayed together for a while when it wasn't working out, I had no idea how a stable relationship worked. I went through some horrible relationships, and I put up w/ a lot of bs, b/c I didn't know what a healthy relationship was. If you can't have a loving marriage to build a foundation for your children, I think you're better off not being married at all.

well, fighting all the time is not cool so I understand that.
But you can stay together and still be respectful to one another and NOT fight all the time.
And no one is happy all the time. My parents were generally happy together, but they were sometimes homesick for home, sometimes having work trouble or money trouble, and although they didn't talk about it we knew, but by perserverance they made it through and THAT was a great example for us of strength, determination, courage and not giving up.
Marriages go through slumps. Very few married people are happy all through their marriage. Sometimes working through the down times leads to better times. I think it's important for kids to see this too and not expect this unrealistic western idea of happiness all the time, leaving out responsibility, duty and hard work, which is as important or more so in marriage than happiness. People who get married always expecting to be happy, satisfied or receiving probably will not stay married. And incidentally, it's this attitude that also leads to cheating.
(I'm not judging your parents - I don't know their situation - this is just a general comment.)