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Old 05-15-2008, 06:54 AM   #41
 
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if your sister is disabled it is not your responsibility to care for her. make that clear to him even if you love her and are willing to support her.

however i must ask, why are you still living at home?
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Old 05-15-2008, 06:59 AM   #42
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She said earlier that she lives at home to help her sister.

So, Kindred, where will you and your sister live if your father sells the house?
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:30 AM   #43
 
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Suzen, it beats me at this point. If he goes then probably an apartment. Where else would we go? No other family members live close by

And Frau, reread the thread
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:31 AM   #44
 
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No advice really, just wanted to offer some ((hugs)).
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:34 AM   #45
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Will he still contribute to her living expenses? It would be totally unfair to put the financial burden on you as well as the responsibility for her care.

I am getting really mad at your father.
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:37 AM   #46
 
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Kindred, I'm so sorry. I know you were comfortable living at home and planned to stay for a while. I can imagine it's really hard for your father, and I have heard that when men marry very quickly after losing their wife, it usually means that they were very happy in the marriage and want that happiness again. But it is also hard for you, and this must feel like he is abandoning you. I also don't think it should be solely your responsibility to care for your sister, and I agree that you should talk to your father about that. It should be possible for him to get married AND continue the family responsibilities that he had before. I will say a prayer for you and your family. You WILL get through this.
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:39 AM   #47
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuZenGuide View Post
Will he still contribute to her living expenses? It would be totally unfair to put the financial burden on you as well as the responsibility for her care.

I am getting really mad at your father.
Ditto. Kindred, this whole situation is so heartbreaking. If you will have to take a lot of time out of your schedule to take care of your sister, having a full time job to support both of you will be very difficult. As difficult as it is to feel like you are going against your dad, you really should make sure that your father doesn't shirk the financial responsibility he has to your sister. Please get some legal advice.
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:58 AM   #48
 
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I'm sorry your going through this. I think your feelings are completely normal.

And I have to agree with the others about your sister. It should not be your responsibility alone. Who cares for her while your at work? What about a social life? It's not really healthy to be caregiver 24/7 without a break. I too, think you seek out legal advice. If you are going to be her sole caregiver, then you need to see about getting guardianship over her. Otherwise, you won't legally be able to make any decisions involving her care, ex. medical decisions. Does she receive disability? If so, that check should go to you.

Good luck hun, I hope this all works out. You two will be in my thoughts.
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Old 05-15-2008, 09:21 AM   #49
 
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Is it possible the new woman doesn't want the responsibility of your disabled sister, and he is doing this to make her happy?
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Old 05-15-2008, 09:48 AM   #50
 
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Is it possible the new woman doesn't want the responsibility of your disabled sister, and he is doing this to make her happy?
I hate to play into the "Evil Stepmother" stereotype, but I was wondering this too.

I agree with cympreni's post above. She brings up lots of good points.
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Old 05-15-2008, 09:50 AM   #51
 
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuZenGuide View Post
Will he still contribute to her living expenses? It would be totally unfair to put the financial burden on you as well as the responsibility for her care.

I am getting really mad at your father.
Ditto. Kindred, this whole situation is so heartbreaking. If you will have to take a lot of time out of your schedule to take care of your sister, having a full time job to support both of you will be very difficult. As difficult as it is to feel like you are going against your dad, you really should make sure that your father doesn't shirk the financial responsibility he has to your sister. Please get some legal advice.
Agreed. At 25, you need to start building a career and a way to support yourself and also dating and trying to meet someone who might love you the way your father loved your mother. Help your sister but don't allow her needs to swallow your own. That won't do either of you any good at all.

Financially, your father should help out once he leaves. Straddling you with care of your disabled sister (even though you are willing to do it) just is not fair at all.

ETA: Also agree with the points that Cympreni raises. If you cannot afford a lawyer, contact Legal Aid, Legal Services or google a search for guardianship in your city and call around. If you are enrolled in school, student life also may be able to direct you to someone for free legal advice in this area.
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Old 05-15-2008, 10:00 AM   #52
 
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Kindredspirit,

I am sorry really, your father's behavior is selfish and unacceptable.
In the absence of better advice, maybe you could contact a lawyer and expose the situation, to make sure you and your sister get financially secured at least.

His behavior and his intention of selling the house suggest that he is running away from the situation.

Be aware. Find a lawyer asap.

Best wishes.
I agree that you should contact a lawyer ASAP. You haven't answered, how old is your sister? Will she ever be able to function alone? I not, your dad should have a financial responsibility for her, and you should have that in a legal document before he gets married. It sounds like new-wife wants nothing to do with it, and he is running away from it all.

Running away from a physical reminder does not help you in the end. You can never run away from memories, trust me, I've lived through it. And you should never abandon your children, they are your responsibility.

I'll be praying for you all.
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Old 05-15-2008, 10:18 AM   #53
 
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I am so sorry to hear your father's response. I can really emphasize with that fiercely protective feeling toward your sister.

I agree with what others are saying about getting legal advice regarding your sister's care. One avenue that might be helpful is what Constenya suggested a few pages ago - a social services agency that serves people with disabilities. They will also help you access the services and benefits your sister is entitled to if she's not already receiving them. My older sister used to work for the one in my home county and they did really wonderful things for people with disabilities and their families.
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Old 05-15-2008, 10:46 AM   #54
 
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Suzen, it beats me at this point. If he goes then probably an apartment. Where else would we go? No other family members live close by
And Frau, reread the thread
gee thanks, i did read the thread, twice per your request.

i ask because i'm a parent and i know the experience of my father who is divorced still living with my 26 year old sister (and sometimes my 27 year old brother).

it seems that your father doesn't feel that your younger sister needs your care. he yelled that she needs to be on her own and since your other siblings are not around i question how much caring for your sister is the reason you're still at home?

i'm not trying to be mean, i just wonder if he feels you all need to be independent of him as my father feels about his children. my father feels really put upon and trapped by his children's inability to move on with their lives so he can move on with his. he can't date properly or find himself again. he has raised his children, he wants them to leave the nest so he can date and also so he can be alone.

you say that you help with the chores but who needs that help? your dad? i'm just presenting the other side of the story not trying to hurt you. your father has a responsibility to your sister, that is a fact, but don't take on what you shouldn't.
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Old 05-15-2008, 11:42 AM   #55
 
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Another thought... if this woman knows your father is doing this, and has no problem with it, then she isn't all that "lovely." If she loves your father, then she needs to love him for who he is, with children (grown or not) who are still grieving, and with one with special needs who needs his care in particular. She should not be putting her needs and desires above everyone else's, and nor should your father.
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Old 05-15-2008, 01:12 PM   #56
 
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Im terribly sorry there were questions I haven't answered.

My sister is 18, but is in a special ed program at the local school where she won't graduate until she is 21. She will never be able to live on her own and care for herself. It's hard to put a label on her, but I'll say she functions at the same level as an 8 year old. She is on meds, her fine motor skills are severely lacking, she's rather clumsy. She can not cook, do her own laundry, or drive. She can dress herself and feed herself. Socially she is also lacking, does not make eye contact, but would walk off with a stranger if he asked her too. Her diagnosis is Autism with mental retardation.

We had considered contacting agencies once she graduates in 3 years, which would give her the supports she needs incase we could get her into some sort of day program or something. However we hadn't researched much because she still has 3 years left of school. I am just now looking up stuff.

My dad has not mentioned one way or another if he would help subsidize us when he goes up north. I called my grandmother this morning on it, and she said she didn't think he would not give us any monetary support. Otherwise she'd step in and say something. She also said that she doesn't think he is actually seriously going to do this, because he still has 5 years left at the company he works for (Caterpillar), which is a 45 minutes commute for him south of us everyday. So if he lived up north, he'd be driving nearly 2.5 hours to work everyday! (????????) My confusion over this increased tenfold after she told me these things!

As far as contacting a lawyer, I really can't help but feel I'd be betraying my dad if I did that And really, I DO want to be near my sister as I said before. I know people here think that at 25, I should working on my career and thinking about myself. Sorry but my family trumps that for me. I love her too much.
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Old 05-15-2008, 01:23 PM   #57
 
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OMG, I know you are 25 years old, but I still can't see him leaving you like this! He is responsible at the very least for your sister. I know he is grieving, but my gosh, what makes a man think he can just walk away like that? He has to take responbility for your sister. He just has to. What if you meet someone and get married and have children of your own in a few years? And in the meantime, what if you want to take vacations and go night clubbing and experience life? You are entitled to that.

I am so sorry for your loss, Kindred. I hope your dad snaps out of it soon. I know you love your sister, but really, he has to take primary responsiblity for her.
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Old 05-15-2008, 01:25 PM   #58
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I don't think anyone is saying you should run out on your sister! Your devotion to her comes through loud and clear. But your father's support (monetary and otherwise) is essential for your sister's well-being. It's in her best interest as well as yours for him to continue his responsibility.
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Old 05-15-2008, 01:25 PM   #59
 
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that is a different story! no, your father has lost his g-d-mind.
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Old 05-15-2008, 01:28 PM   #60
 
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Kindred-- I don't have any advice for you, but you're in my prayers.
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