Need some support here :(..please.

As far as contacting a lawyer, I really can't help but feel I'd be betraying my dad if I did that And really, I DO want to be near my sister as I said before. I know people here think that at 25, I should working on my career and thinking about myself. Sorry but my family trumps that for me. I love her too much.
Originally Posted by kindredspirit1983
I don't doubt your resolve at all! I think we all just want to make sure that you take care of yourself too. It is way too easy to do forget to do that. And if you do, then regret and resentment towards your family can sneak up. I've been there, I had to help care for my adopted father after his stroke as a teen. When most everyone was hanging out with friends, I was at home babysitting him. For the most part, I didn't mind. But there was days, where anger and resentment would boil up, and I'd have a hard time keeping my cool. I would have to remind myself over and over again that it's wasn't his fault.

And IMO if your dad is physically and financially abandoning your sister, then he's the one who betrayed her. And going behind his back might not be necessary. Have a serious cool headed talk about her care with him. Maybe he'll sign everything over to you. But definitely if you are going to be her sole caregiver, then you need guardianship. I'm not 100% sure of the laws, but you might not be able to consent to anything involving her medical or educational needs without it.
Kindred, I highly advise you to contact this organization:

Community Support Services

They provide services to people with DD in the Chicago suburbs and they might be able to provide you with good counsel.
I suggest that that you follow up on the service agency for people with DD as recommended above. Three years is a not such a long time before she'll need something after schooling. The transition is critical. Who attends her IEP or ARC meetings at school, you or your dad? If he leaves, he'll have to sign her legal guardianship to you so that you or someone can sign off on her education plans.

Telling your dad that you're going to talk to the service people and even a lawyer is not a bad thing. For his protection, he'll have to be a part of that. If not, the school system may have to report him for abandonment of a dependent adult.
No real advice here, just support. No matter how much you explain, we will never fully understand your situation. Do what you feel is right, but do NOT let him leave without assisting you. I don't think anyone is saying for you to abandon your sister, but you do need to have some freedom too. Otherwise, a few years from now, you might feel resentment toward your father AND her.

I sincerely hope it works out for you. I also really agree with Suzen and hmkenny, as well as many others that have already posted. *hug*
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As far as contacting a lawyer, I really can't help but feel I'd be betraying my dad if I did that
Originally Posted by kindredspirit1983


And IMO if your dad is physically and financially abandoning your sister, then he's the one who betrayed her. And going behind his back might not be necessary. Have a serious cool headed talk about her care with him. Maybe he'll sign everything over to you. But definitely if you are going to be her sole caregiver, then you need guardianship. I'm not 100% sure of the laws, but you might not be able to consent to anything involving her medical or educational needs without it.
Originally Posted by cympreni
Agreed, that's why the lawyer would be necessary. I don't doubt your love and devotion in wanting to care for your sister and keeping her with you. You are a wonderful person for that. But you will need to be her guardian or need Power of Attorney to care for her if he moves, or even just marries.

And if you need to move, there is probably some type of (monetary) assistance you can receive to help pay the rent.

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Kindred, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))
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Kindred,

I went to the donation page for your mother and I see that it will be the first anniversary of her death in a few weeks. Perhaps that is why your father is behaving the way he is right now. Maybe you can talk to him about that and see what he says. It may be helpful to get that out in the open. Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing and why he is doing it.

No matter what he says, I agree with the others that you should seek some legal advise and check out the other link someone provided that can provide you and/or your father with assistance for you sister.

All three of you deserve to be happy, I hope everything works out the best for you.

Take care of yourself.

Last edited by nextmove; 05-15-2008 at 10:06 PM.
Hope it's not too much of a quano....but I just signed up for the bone marrow donation registry. It was totally painless, just a few cheek swabs. I don't know if a donation would have helped your Mom but bone marrow donors, especially people of color, are so needed.
Im terribly sorry there were questions I haven't answered.

My sister is 18, but is in a special ed program at the local school where she won't graduate until she is 21. She will never be able to live on her own and care for herself. It's hard to put a label on her, but I'll say she functions at the same level as an 8 year old. She is on meds, her fine motor skills are severely lacking, she's rather clumsy. She can not cook, do her own laundry, or drive. She can dress herself and feed herself. Socially she is also lacking, does not make eye contact, but would walk off with a stranger if he asked her too. Her diagnosis is Autism with mental retardation.

We had considered contacting agencies once she graduates in 3 years, which would give her the supports she needs incase we could get her into some sort of day program or something. However we hadn't researched much because she still has 3 years left of school. I am just now looking up stuff.

My dad has not mentioned one way or another if he would help subsidize us when he goes up north. I called my grandmother this morning on it, and she said she didn't think he would not give us any monetary support. Otherwise she'd step in and say something. She also said that she doesn't think he is actually seriously going to do this, because he still has 5 years left at the company he works for (Caterpillar), which is a 45 minutes commute for him south of us everyday. So if he lived up north, he'd be driving nearly 2.5 hours to work everyday! (????????) My confusion over this increased tenfold after she told me these things!

As far as contacting a lawyer, I really can't help but feel I'd be betraying my dad if I did that And really, I DO want to be near my sister as I said before. I know people here think that at 25, I should working on my career and thinking about myself. Sorry but my family trumps that for me. I love her too much.
Originally Posted by kindredspirit1983
Kindred,

You know how when you fly the inflight security video reminds parents to put on their oxygen masks before they put them on their young children in the event of an emergency? The reason for that is so the caregiver doesn't die first, so they can continue to provide care.

Your looking after your own education, career and financial livlihood is equivalent in my book to your "staying alive" as an adult, especially since there are absolutely no guarantees of some man swooping in to economically/ monetaraily support you and your sister. Please don't feel like looking after your own economic bottom line does a disservice to your sister because it sounds like there will be ongoing expenses required for her care. That will add up over time, and you should look ahead and plan now.

As for your father, he has responsibilities as everyone else is saying in unison (big consensus on this). He shouldn't just be telling you that he will be moving and getting remarried and bye. Since your sister requires care and care requires money and both of you are quite young, at the very least, he should be explaining to you the logistics of things, what to expect and how things will change once (or if) he moves.

I'm glad to hear about your grandmother - his mother or your maternal mother? Regardless, you should not be doing all of this on your own. You are too young. I don't care how capable or caring you are. It is not fair and it is not right for you to be left stranded with care and financial responsibility of your sister. It is not right at all.
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(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
Kindred,

Please consider contacting these legal agencies to at least talk over the situation and get some more information to protect your sister, and also yourself:

(legal provider specializing in several areas that seem applicable)
http://www.jfcschicago.org/p_program.cfm?cat=cs&id=7

(amazing, comprehensive list of resources in the Chicago area re: special ed and special needs, including free lawyers)
http://www.disabilityrights.org/guide3.htm

Also, please don't forget to let us know how it goes. We wish you the best.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

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(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
Kindred, How old is your sister? Is she still a dependent? I agree, you should see a lawyer asap. Your father does not have the right to abandon his family. He is behaving very irresponsibly and I'm surprised his fiancee is letting him get away with it.
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Kindred, How old is your sister? Is she still a dependent? I agree, you should see a lawyer asap. Your father does not have the right to abandon his family. He is behaving very irresponsibly and I'm surprised his fiancee is letting him get away with it.
Originally Posted by Suburbanbushbabe
Kindred posted that her sister is 18 (see the orange box in my post above, quoting more details about her and her sister). Not sure about IL law and dependency, including issues relating to developmental disabilities.

KINDRED -

Please check in with us and let us know if you decide to call. There is no harm in getting more information from people with knowledge in this area. You can either call or go in on your own, or call/go in with your father. Either way works, and I would think that he would like to know more about the legal implications and social benefits available for your sister too.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
**RECENT UPDATES**

Just thought I'd share whats going on here. My dad has decided that instead of leaving my sister in my care, that he wants to place her with a state run agency, for disabled adults. He apparently is keen on appearances and decided that it would LOOK bad to leave her in my care while he trapses up north to began a new life.

And I'm heartbroken over it I need to be by my family

I'd rather care for her myself, than leave her in the hands of complete strangers. And I know it would be easier on her too. I've asked him time and time again if we could be near him but he wants her down here. It's like since mom died, he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for my sister. Every weekend he leaves me with her while he visits this woman..and sometimes during the week. I remember about 4 weeks after she passed he got a job interview for a position in Iowa. He was ready set to let me get an apartment and put my sister, 17 at the time, in an assisted living facility.

I've gotten excuse after excuse from him on why she can't stay with me...or him and his new wife. Because Bea has three sons that live with her. Because it would interfere with the life they want to began together. Because I would eventually resent him for it. Excuses. All...pitiful....excuses (IMO)

I'm sorry for venting and if anyone is of the opinion that I am out of line with my current thoughts, accept my apologies. I just feel helpless right now.
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I strongly suggest getting legal council. There may be some options for you, especially if your sister is an adult.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Take care.
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I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope things get worked out.
Yes, you really need to see a lawyer, preferably one who specializes in disabled rights. You can probably petition the courts for custody/guardianship of your sister, if that's what you want.
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Last edited by curlinicator; 02-02-2013 at 08:20 AM.
**RECENT UPDATES**

Just thought I'd share whats going on here. My dad has decided that instead of leaving my sister in my care, that he wants to place her with a state run agency, for disabled adults. He apparently is keen on appearances and decided that it would LOOK bad to leave her in my care while he trapses up north to began a new life.

And I'm heartbroken over it I need to be by my family

I'd rather care for her myself, than leave her in the hands of complete strangers. And I know it would be easier on her too. I've asked him time and time again if we could be near him but he wants her down here. It's like since mom died, he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for my sister. Every weekend he leaves me with her while he visits this woman..and sometimes during the week. I remember about 4 weeks after she passed he got a job interview for a position in Iowa. He was ready set to let me get an apartment and put my sister, 17 at the time, in an assisted living facility.

I've gotten excuse after excuse from him on why she can't stay with me...or him and his new wife. Because Bea has three sons that live with her. Because it would interfere with the life they want to began together. Because I would eventually resent him for it. Excuses. All...pitiful....excuses (IMO)

I'm sorry for venting and if anyone is of the opinion that I am out of line with my current thoughts, accept my apologies. I just feel helpless right now.
Originally Posted by kindredspirit1983
To me it seems like your dad is trying to run away from anything that reminds him of your mom because he's still hurting. It also seems like this "lovely" woman is influencing him more than you think. If she is so great, why can't she move to be with him? I don't mean to be rude, it just seems to me that your dad is focused on himself and just wants to forget about his old life and cut and run.
Honey, you're not out of line at all, and I would feel the same way you do. I think it's admirable and speaks well of you that you care so much for your sister - and it speaks poorly of your father, I'm sorry to say, that he is behaving this way. I don't really have any brilliant suggestions, but have you tried talking to Bea about this when your father isn't around? I'd be interested to know how she feels about it.

You and your family are still in my prayers - good luck!
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My post seemed kinda harsh, and it's not directed at you. I think you sound like a very mature, responsible and caring person. You are definitely entitled to your feelings, and allowed to express them. Reading this thread has given me a tremendous respect and admiration for you.

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