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Old 05-13-2008, 06:37 PM   #1
 
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Default Need some support here :(..please.

In the past two months, my dad met another woman. She is very very lovely. They seem happy together. Last night, he confided in me that he has asked her to marry him. This summer he plans to move up north with her. And he is leaving me to take care of my little sister, who is developmentally disabled. Not that I have a problem with that, she is my world. Things can get taxing and stressful at times, but she is worth it. I need to be close to family at this time and can not imagine being without her once my dad leaves.

PLEASE READ: I am not judging my dad. After seeing the state he was in after mom died, I wanted him to see him smiling again. And I have not said anything to persuade him otherwise. When he told me, I simply nodded my head in agreement. I have, and will continue to, bite my tongue over this issue. He is a grown man. I am an adult as well. So I understand I have no business trying to deter him from having another chance at happiness

Here is where my problem lies. I can not shake this empty, awful, feeling of grief over it. I want to be able to snap my fingers and make them disappear. I smile at him, my friends, my coworkers, but behind closed doors I can not stop the tears from coming. A part of me feels like I'm being abandoned, forgotten, etc. Another part of me is envious over the fact that he can replace his dead wife and that I can never replace my mom. I don't want to feel this way! I want to be happy, truly and genuinely happy for him and his new fiance!! I'm supposed to right? So why can't I be??
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:44 PM   #2
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I'm sorry, Kindred. But your feelings sound normal to me, given the experience. Very hard to go through but normal.

Maybe talking to your dad would actually help, rather than diminish his happiness?

But marriage after two months sounds quick...I'm just sayin.

Have you talked to a grief counselor?

Sending up a prayer now...

Last edited by Kimchee; 05-13-2008 at 06:47 PM.
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:44 PM   #3
 
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Oh sweetie

No advice, but I want to give you a big hug....my heart is breaking for you ((((HUGS))))
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:49 PM   #4
 
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I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:53 PM   #5
 
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I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
I agree.
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:53 PM   #6
 
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KindredSpirit I'm so sorry you're going through this.My BFF lost her mom to cancer back in 1998 and her dad just passed away October 2007.Her father started dating after her mom died,and she didn't like a bit until he got with one woman who she liked.I don't know but I've found in my family that men can just go ahead and get or marry another woman fast,whereas the women in my family who have lost their husbands stay single and mostly I can't remember the word but I'm going to say sex-free.You're still grieving over the lost of your mom and that's natural.We're all here for you.
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:57 PM   #7
 
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I don't know what to say just wanted to send you {{{hugs}}}
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:57 PM   #8
 
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kindred, i'm sorry i don't have any advice to give. just wanted to offer up a *HUG*. i'm so sorry you're having such awful feelings, gal. like others have said, maybe talking with your dad or a counselor will help. i hope so. take care.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:00 PM   #9
 
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How old are you? Are you legally old enough to care for your sister then? I also don't think he should just up and leave you with her care. And 2 months seems awfully short to be jumping into marriage.

As far as your feelings, they are completely normal. I"m going to spill my guts here: I have had similar feelings about my dad and his lady. He doesn't plan to marry her (they both agree it's better, she has pensions from deceased husband, etc). But I see him taking her here and there, going all over the country and other countries, spending so much money on things like that with her. And it makes me a little bitter. He never did any of that with mom, when she was alive. Granted, he has more time since he's retired, and more money since he's alone, but still. There were things that they could have afforded and done together.

But then, maybe he's realized what he lost, and has decided not to lose out a second time around. I can't fault him for that, and I am happy that he is happy. But I still have those feelings sometimes.

So I know where you are coming from. (((BIG HUGS))) to you, and I will pray that you can come to terms with it all. PM me if you want to chat about it more.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:10 PM   #10
 
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Kindred, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. You will be in my prayers.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:11 PM   #11
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by internetchick View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by leenie View Post
I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
I agree.
i agree as well.

sending you a hug and lots of positive thoughts.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:12 PM   #12
 
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You feelings are your feelings and they're normal. Of course, you're going to miss your dad when he moves and of course you going to resent this woman a little. Does that make the pain go away, no, time will help.

I'll send up thoughts and prayers that you can move past this on to greener, sunnier pastures, with rainbows and puppies. (((hugs)))
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:38 PM   #13
 
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Kindred, as others said, it sounds like your feelings are very normal and valid. You've been through so much. I agree that counseling with someone who understands grief would be helpful - it may help you come to terms with your feelings. I also think that counseling is so helpful because it helps you realize that you're not alone.

My 20-year-old sister is also developmentally disabled, and if anything happened to my parents, my older sister, her husband, and I would take over the responsibility of taking care of her. I adore my sister, but I do not think I could do it alone, particularly as a 25-year-old. (I think you're close to my age - maybe a bit younger.) I don't understand the dynamics of your family because I am not part of it, but it seems unfair for your father to leave the responsibility of caring for your sister on you alone. It just seems really unfair that he gets to start this wonderful new life while you are left to care for your sister. I can identify with how you feel about your sister, but it's such a huge responsibility that really should not fall on one person unless that's the only resort.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:38 PM   #14
 
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I smile at him, my friends, my coworkers, but behind closed doors I can not stop the tears from coming. A part of me feels like I'm being abandoned, forgotten, etc. Another part of me is envious over the fact that he can replace his dead wife and that I can never replace my mom.
I hope you can say this to your father at some point. It's very clear and very valid to feel that as well as being happy.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:41 PM   #15
 
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I'm so sorry. I hope you can express your feelings to him.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:47 PM   #16
 
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Your feelings are a natural reaction to a stressful change in your life. If I may say so, I think your father is being a little selfish. I understand how his happiness is blinding him to your feelings, but there is the very real issue of your sister. The decisions that are made now could be lasting. I really think that you should sit down with him and have a frank discussion about the future. People have a way of forgetting things once they are far away from the problem. I really think it's important to try to have a discussion with him now before he's gone.

I totally understand your feelings of grief and I hope you find the strength to work through it. Good luck kindred!
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:47 PM   #17
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(((hugs)))
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:13 PM   #18
 
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I'm so sorry you are going thru this. How long has your Mom been gone? I think I would feel like I was being abandoned & that my sister was also. It sounds like your Dad wants to start over again & doesn't want the burden of his family. I feel he is being selfish. You're a wonderful sister. ((HUGS))
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:39 PM   #19
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leenie View Post
I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
I agree.
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:41 PM   #20
 
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Kindred, my father remarried six months after losing my mother, and it was not a success. I was too young at the time to have anything to say about it. I don't know if you feel able to address his hurriedness, but it might help him, too.

As to feeling that he can get another wife, but you can't get another mother, a lot of us who've lost a mother feel that way. Hope Edelman has a few books about it.

You're in my thoughts.
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