Okay, why are you still single?

I think the whole "control freak" business is a major reason why women are staying single longer. Every woman I know who is single and 30- or 40-something calls herself a control freak.

I completely understand how that can happen - I was single 'til I was 30, then single again from 34-38. But sometimes you have to let go of that need to control everything and everyone around you.

(I don't mean that to be condescending or anything, and I apologize if it comes off that way. It's just something that I've observed in most of my many single 30- and 40-something girlfriends.)
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I'm holding out for Mr. Darcy... or maybe Captain Wentworth...

Well, you know what I mean. Why settle? I want someone who respects me, loves me, is sexually attracted to me, and will care enough to help if I am in need. I'd do the same for him and would be attracted to him in the same ways.

I think that guys just have it too easy nowadays with too many women willing to settle for less just for the sake of having a man that a man will not have a woman who wants a little more out of life.
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Oh, Rouquinne, don't say that about yourself.....you're not doomed.....so many men are just morons (see post about dating after 40). Your friends who act smug or drop you once they get married are limited people; women who need men to feel like they're important or valuable. Forget them: you can do better.

My experience is that it's really hard to find someone who has all the pieces of the puzzle together. (I know I don't!) I've been married once before, and am probably trying it again, although I'm scared as hell to change my life as it is now. That's partly why I'm going forward.....because although the temptation to say, "No, I'm fine, I do love you, you're wonderful, but I just can't do it," exists, I think that's the wrong attitude to have toward life, at least for me.

So, in answer to the question, why am I still single, I guess my answer is: because up until now, I've just been too scared.

And, of course, the guys I dated in between "the ones" were dopes (I'm being really diplomatic by using that word).
I'm very ambitious and career oriented, having placed those goals ahead of relationships for a very long time. I am also very independent and deeply ambivalent about marriage and children. I'm coming around on marriage (sort of) but still not at all sure about kids.

Also, I'm a commitment phobe who refuses to settle. For the most part, I like the life I've created and can make it reasonably rich and fulfilling with out a steady, intimate relationship.

Still, would really like to meet someone worthwhile that I want to be with long term. I definitely want a serious relationship within the next several years, ideally within the next year. But can't seem to find a way for it to happen. Not really trying much either.

Bottomline - waiting for a miracle
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

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If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be single anymore.
If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be single anymore.
Originally Posted by cyndi
well, we can eliminate *commitment phobe* from your list of potential reasons
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)

So, in answer to the question, why am I still single, I guess my answer is: because up until now, I've just been too scared.

And, of course, the guys I dated in between "the ones" were dopes (I'm being really diplomatic by using that word).
Originally Posted by ninja dog
Aren't you engaged? (If I have you confused with a different poster, I apologize.) Are engaged people considered single? I realize for tax purposes, you are 'single' but if a person is in a relationship and/or engaged to be married, is that person considered 'single'?
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Because nobody asked me to marry them.

And uh, it's seriously not a NY thing. It's a UT thing, too.

Guys are threatened by a female who is strong and self-sufficient here.

And they're all freaking knuckleheads. Okay, not all. My brothers are awesome (sometimes), my dad is great (hey, he raised me...must be good, right?), and my friends husbands are terrific. Too bad that pretty much takes up all the good men in Utah.

And one more thing. Men here (I'm totally generalizing, but most of the men I've met) freak out when I say I never want kids. It's just not done in Utah to get married and not have kids. Probably another reason I'm single.
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I am single because in order for me to incorporate a man into my life, it would have to be an upgrade. Right now, that would be pretty hard to do.

There is an interested party and I have been really dragging my feet. He asked, "Who is my competition?" and I told him, "My solitude."
He said he knew how to compete with men but not with that. Yeah...that is the tricky thing. I am happy and I am not sure you can make me happier. When I find someone who can, I will welcome him with open arms.
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Originally Posted by Josephine
That is so me!
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I was married for 17 years and have now been single for quite a while. I don't see any advantage in getting married again and haven't met anyone yet who could change my mind about that.

I don't feel anything missing from my life by being single and I am happy with current state of affairs.

I enjoy my solitude and freedom!
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Its all good ladies. so what do you do when you're lonely? Like everyone else out there.. with someone...you know those bad days
And the end of the day , all you've got is yourself..
I come here. I'd go for a walk, but it's getting too hot. I also read. It gets me away from my lonely life for awhile. I plan to go to the gym once my ribs heal. I also joined a group of people in my age group. They are planning a happy hour/dinner for the 13th, but my oldest daughter is having her b'day celebration then.
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I guess I think that until I tie that knot (gulp), I'm single. Not available, but still able to cut and run without a lawyer getting involved.

G-String: Watch out for those "but she's turning 21 soon!" dopes at your daughter's party.
It's very hard to meet people when you work 80 hours a week and don't get out much... probably one of the reasons why I'm still single.

And I never look. It always happens that if I look, I won't find. I let it just happen.

And I have decided that there may be no quality men left. All the quality guys I know are my friends. I'm just going to marry one of them I actually have a running joke that in 2 years, if we are both still single, my best guy friend and I are getting hitched.
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I'm single because of a guy who doesn't know what he wants. Wants to keep me at arms length because he knows what he has in me, but doesn't want to(or can't) give me what I deserve.

It's actually a good thing that I'm single right now, because now I can just have fun. Not that I wasn't, but I get to meet new people, enjoy their company without expectations, and just have fun. Plus, I don't have to deal with potential drama. And it feels nice to have people want to do nice things for me. Who want to be around me because I'm good company, and who actually are respectful and decent fellas.

AND I can focus on things I need to do for ME, and not spend so much of my time trying to build something with someone who isn't ready, willing, or able to step up.
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i've been on my own for 8 years and had maybe 6 dates in that time because ...

historically, the men who have expressed interest in me/pursued me have all been one or more of the following:

a. players/cheaters/married,
b. drunks/drug addicts, or
c. extremely damaged/unable to cope/looking for mommy

i do occasionally meet a nice, attractive guy, but without fail, he's already taken.

also, it took me a long time to figure myself out. i wasn't the best candidate for a mature relationship until i was already out of my 20s and divorced. now that i'm more well-adjusted, i'm not willing to sacrifice my independence and my space for just any guy. he would have to be decent and loving and he would have to pursue me - i'm done chasing boys.

i'm not holding my breath, but that's ok. my house is clean!
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I am single because in order for me to incorporate a man into my life, it would have to be an upgrade. Right now, that would be pretty hard to do.

There is an interested party and I have been really dragging my feet. He asked, "Who is my competition?" and I told him, "My solitude."
He said he knew how to compete with men but not with that. Yeah...that is the tricky thing. I am happy and I am not sure you can make me happier. When I find someone who can, I will welcome him with open arms.
Originally Posted by younggrasshopper
This has always been my attitude as well. Honestly, I wish more women felt this way.

I think a relationship should only ADD to mylife, not take anything away. I've been single for basically my whole life (I mean, I dated a bit and had a month or two long relationship here and there), and it's in large part because I saw other women jumping into relationships left and right...and losing so much of their own lives or their friends in doing so.

Right now I'm dating a guy who is great. He fits right into my life, and me into his, and makes things better.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
I think the whole "control freak" business is a major reason why women are staying single longer. Every woman I know who is single and 30- or 40-something calls herself a control freak.
Originally Posted by PartyHair
Hmmm. I just did a little personal inventory: am I a control freak? I don't think I am, but I don't know if anyone can answer this question truthfully about themselves. Maybe I should ask my friends and family if I am. My sisters are both major control freaks, each in their own way, and so is my mom, so it wouldn't surprise me, since apparently it runs in the family!
Its all good ladies. so what do you do when you're lonely?
Originally Posted by O d d i s y~
I tend to communicate (talk, write, flirt) and engage my mind (research, internet, read, write, talk). Also rotate some combination of seeing friends, exercise, shopping, going out, nesting, baths, special events, NC/other internet, self care and pampering, discovering new things.

I also relate a lot to what CurlyGreek and HennaBrain have posted on this page of the thread.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)

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