Okay, why are you still single?

So this might be slightly off topic, but it kinda relates to this thread, so i'm going to post it.

Lately, I have been more than willing to meet guys. Hasn't been happening, and I am kind of bummed. Both my guy and my girl friends (who are in relationships) just kinda give me the brush off with comments like "yea right. i'm sure it's so hard for you to find a guy.." or "whatever 'hot momma', you should have no trouble"

But i do, or at least I feel like I do. I know I'm an attractive girl (not to be concieded).. so wth? grr.
"The crazy starts deep within and just comes spiraling out the top!" ~ best curly hair quote
I have a hard time meeting guys. I pretty much only meet gay guys.

I am also notoriously shy with guys, even though most people think I am the most outgoing person in the world...but I am seriously SO SHY with guys.

Tried PlentyofFish.com and I was freaked-out too much!!!
Putting yourself out there more means increasing opportunities where you will meet new people, potential friends or lovers. So, if your usual pattern is to work and then spend free time alone or within a certain circle of people, the idea is to spend free time with more and different people. Take a class, go to events, ask to be set up on blind dates, hang out in group settings, go to the grocery store or other stores where men are and make eye contact, etc...
Originally Posted by curls on holiday
I love it when curls on holiday puts my thoughts into written words so aptly and I can just say:

ITA

Originally Posted by wild~hair
Only when I post first and you don't beat me to it.......
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
So this might be slightly off topic, but it kinda relates to this thread, so i'm going to post it.

Lately, I have been more than willing to meet guys. Hasn't been happening, and I am kind of bummed. Both my guy and my girl friends (who are in relationships) just kinda give me the brush off with comments like "yea right. i'm sure it's so hard for you to find a guy.." or "whatever 'hot momma', you should have no trouble"

But i do, or at least I feel like I do. I know I'm an attractive girl (not to be concieded).. so wth? grr.
Originally Posted by curlygreek
People tell me that all the time too. I had a coworker tell me the other day he was surprised that as pretty as I was, that I had any trouble finding guys. It's very frustrating.
For those who feel like they aren't attracting men physically, I can't really see it. There are just too many women out there who have men and who also appear to be ugly, grossly underweight, grossly overweight, unattractive, etc. for me to believe that no men find you attractive. Might be a case of your needing to look at a broader spectrum of men, or to *put yourself out there* more.
Originally Posted by curls on holiday


I've been told by someone before that I should put myself out there more (regarding making friends), but I don't even know what that means.

Bianca says her friend turns people off being loud, drunk etc. I never get drunk, rarely swear, have good manners etc. I just don't think men find me attractive.
Originally Posted by Piglet
Putting yourself out there more means increasing opportunities where you will meet new people, potential friends or lovers. So, if your usual pattern is to work and then spend free time alone or within a certain circle of people, the idea is to spend free time with more and different people. Take a class, go to events, ask to be set up on blind dates, hang out in group settings, go to the grocery store or other stores where men are and make eye contact, etc...

From your self description, maybe you are more reserved and men are afraid to come up to you for fear of being shot down and rejected. Not because you are a stunning beauty (although I've seen from a sibling and close friends how intimidated guys are by that). One thing I have really figured out about most men is that hate and fear the idea of rejection. So, if they think it might happen, they cut it off at the pass.
Originally Posted by curls on holiday

Thanks for your response. You've given me food for thought. I don't socialise much and my life is pretty boring. I am quite reserved. I don't want to be, but I'm shy and self-conscious. My mum thinks that I put men off be appearing not interested. There is maybe some truth in that. I'm worried of appearing interested in case they are thinking 'omg, please don't tell me she thinks she has a chance with me!' I'm always nice, but I don't know, maybe I am a bit guarded because I am afraid of rejection myself. I don't many men either, which doesn't help.
Yes, my tail is naturally curly.
No, it was NOT me who cried 'wee wee wee wee wee' all the way home.
I would also like to add that once on a first date, I held up one hand in front of my face so the guy couldn't see how I was licking the chocolate off the fingers on my other hand (I'd been drinking a messy chocolate martini).
Originally Posted by ninja dog
I once did this to hide the sushi I had shoved into my gullet.

I am helpless around sushi, even on a first date.

ETA: I think I may just have hit on why I'm still single. Although, ninja dog, I hear you on the weeding out thing.

Last edited by wild~hair; 06-06-2008 at 04:47 PM.


Thanks for your response. You've given me food for thought. I don't socialise much and my life is pretty boring. I am quite reserved. I don't want to be, but I'm shy and self-conscious. My mum thinks that I put men off be appearing not interested. There is maybe some truth in that. I'm worried of appearing interested in case they are thinking 'omg, please don't tell me she thinks she has a chance with me!' I'm always nice, but I don't know, maybe I am a bit guarded because I am afraid of rejection myself. I don't many men either, which doesn't help.
Originally Posted by Piglet
For someone reserved like you, maybe community or athletic activities where there are likely to be men might work. Hiking with the Sierra Club, training for a 5K, cleaning up beaches or forests or highways, political stuff, soup kitchens, fire stations, you get the idea. If you figure out things that sincerely interest you that also tend to interest men, then odds will increase of maybe meeting someone while doing something you already like to do.

I don't always follow my own advice, but am fairly extroverted so meet lots of people, including lots of men. I am just commitmentphobic and leary of ending up with someone who will make my life worse than it it is now (since I like my single life quite a bit). I'm probably a classic case of really high standards and the peter pan complex rolled into one. Oh well, the one who is meant for me will fight his way through all of that, or just charm the pants off of me (and not be married or otherwise inapprorpiate).
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
Yeah, Wild Hair.... weeding out is good, although it's sometimes a letdown at the time.

The sushi bit must have been funny! Were there chopsticks involved?
One of the biggest turn-offs to other people is negativity. People create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they spend a lot of time complaining or expressing self-pity about how they are not attractive, nobody likes them, people are mean to them -- doesn't matter whether it's true or not, hearing about it makes others ask themselves why THEY would want to spend time with you when no one else does.

There's a lot to be negative about in the world, I know, but really -- focusing on that is SO annoying to other people. It's why most people avoid being around depressed folks . . . who then get more depressed because no one wants to be with them . . . so people want to be with them even less . . . vicious cycle.

People will start out trying to cheer you up and commiserating with you, then get tired of it when you bat away every helpful suggestion. Then you feel rejected and justified in your misery.

If people don't want to be around you, you DO need to look at yourself. Telling yourself they are just jerks is counter-productive. Sorry to say, it IS something you are doing. Good news? You can change. Get professional help if you need to.

And if you don't believe me, check out the reams of psychological research that will tell you exactly what I just did.
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
because i repel the opposite sex.
Originally Posted by frau
lol. My friend says that sometimes I do that too. She calls it my, "F*** off face" because it says "F*** off, I'm better than you."

The funny thing is, I guess I might do that at parties, but I don't have the right to be so picky. I'm not really "hot stuff". And as far as personality goes, I don't think I'll find a "quality" guy at a frat party or a club, which is where people my age usually hang out. And I'm awkward in those situations, partially because I've never really been considered attractive.
One of the biggest turn-offs to other people is negativity. People create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they spend a lot of time complaining or expressing self-pity about how they are not attractive, nobody likes them, people are mean to them -- doesn't matter whether it's true or not, hearing about it makes others ask themselves why THEY would want to spend time with you when no one else does.

There's a lot to be negative about in the world, I know, but really -- focusing on that is SO annoying to other people. It's why most people avoid being around depressed folks . . . who then get more depressed because no one wants to be with them . . . so people want to be with them even less . . . vicious cycle.

People will start out trying to cheer you up and commiserating with you, then get tired of it when you bat away every helpful suggestion. Then you feel rejected and justified in your misery.
Originally Posted by fig jam
This seems to come out of the blue, but I agree very strongly. Personally, I cannot stand negative people. I just avoid them, and it really bothers me to be forced to interact with them, for example at work.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
I was just responding to the portions of the thread that seemed to be veering in that "why doesn't anyone love me" direction. But I can see why you thought that came out of the blue!
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
osocristie
Guest
Posts: n/a
Okay, I spoke to my cousin the other night who is 42 years old. I admit, she is quite quirky (so am I), but not unattractive by far. The topic of dating and men came up. I asked her when was her last date and she said 3 years ago. My mouth almost hit the floor! How in the world could you not even so much as go out on a date in 3 years? She works a 9 to 5. She get's lots of vacation time. What's the deal? She said that she has never had a boyfriend. That is not surprising, since I haven't ever seriously dated or had a boyfriend myself. But come on, at least I have had dudes take me to dinner.

Wow!
Okay, I spoke to my cousin the other night who is 42 years old. I admit, she is quite quirky (so am I), but not unattractive by far. The topic of dating and men came up. I asked her when was her last date and she said 3 years ago. My mouth almost hit the floor! How in the world could you not even so much as go out on a date in 3 years? She works a 9 to 5. She get's lots of vacation time. What's the deal? She said that she has never had a boyfriend. That is not surprising, since I haven't ever seriously dated or had a boyfriend myself. But come on, at least I have had dudes take me to dinner.

Wow!
Originally Posted by osocristie
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle?

That does seem like a really long time. Maybe not in terms of not having sex because you are not committed to someone enough to do that, but not to date at all not even dinner or coffee or going out for 3 years? Yikes.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
osocristie
Guest
Posts: n/a
Okay, I spoke to my cousin the other night who is 42 years old. I admit, she is quite quirky (so am I), but not unattractive by far. The topic of dating and men came up. I asked her when was her last date and she said 3 years ago. My mouth almost hit the floor! How in the world could you not even so much as go out on a date in 3 years? She works a 9 to 5. She get's lots of vacation time. What's the deal? She said that she has never had a boyfriend. That is not surprising, since I haven't ever seriously dated or had a boyfriend myself. But come on, at least I have had dudes take me to dinner.

Wow!
Originally Posted by osocristie
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle?

That does seem like a really long time. Maybe not in terms of not having sex because you are not committed to someone enough to do that, but not to date at all not even dinner or coffee or going out for 3 years? Yikes.
Originally Posted by curls on holiday

I know! She was like explaining where she goes in general and what she does (she is really into her church). She is not a home body at all, so it is hard for me to see how she wouldn't run into a guy somewhere. But she did say that she was an introvert. I am not an introvert by any means, I smile a lot and am quite social, and am very approachable at odd times of the day. I guess that would make a big difference.
Yeah, Wild Hair.... weeding out is good, although it's sometimes a letdown at the time.

The sushi bit must have been funny! Were there chopsticks involved?
Originally Posted by ninja dog
Yup, chopsticks were involved.

I should point out that he was having trouble with those low and wide spoons some sushi restaurants use with miso soup, and making quite a mess of it. So we were both awkward and embarrassing. We later became friends, though, so it all worked out.

See? Never let a man interfere with your enjoyment of food. It just ain't worth it.
One of the biggest turn-offs to other people is negativity. People create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they spend a lot of time complaining or expressing self-pity about how they are not attractive, nobody likes them, people are mean to them -- doesn't matter whether it's true or not, hearing about it makes others ask themselves why THEY would want to spend time with you when no one else does.

There's a lot to be negative about in the world, I know, but really -- focusing on that is SO annoying to other people. It's why most people avoid being around depressed folks . . . who then get more depressed because no one wants to be with them . . . so people want to be with them even less . . . vicious cycle.

People will start out trying to cheer you up and commiserating with you, then get tired of it when you bat away every helpful suggestion. Then you feel rejected and justified in your misery.

If people don't want to be around you, you DO need to look at yourself. Telling yourself they are just jerks is counter-productive. Sorry to say, it IS something you are doing. Good news? You can change. Get professional help if you need to.

And if you don't believe me, check out the reams of psychological research that will tell you exactly what I just did.
Originally Posted by fig jam
haha, fig jam, have you been eavesdropping on my social life lately?

I seem to draw depressed people to me, I think because I used to be one and I can empathize.

But I'm quickly losing that ability out of sheer boredom and frustration!
One of the biggest turn-offs to other people is negativity. People create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they spend a lot of time complaining or expressing self-pity about how they are not attractive, nobody likes them, people are mean to them -- doesn't matter whether it's true or not, hearing about it makes others ask themselves why THEY would want to spend time with you when no one else does.
Originally Posted by fig jam
here on NC, i might come across as a heartless, mean person, but IRL, people are forever telling me how wonderful i am. when i am at work, i NEVER let people know when anything is bothering me - i am always positive, upbeat and doing everything i can to make others find work a positive experience. since i've been doing front-line stuff at this office after the move here (i didn't in Ottawa), i have received almost 2 dozen notes in my file from tax payers i have helped with things; notes that talk about my cheerfulness and ability to empathize and willingness to help compared to other gov't employees.

i don't talk to my family about what is going on in my life, and, when i had them (or thought i had them), i never "complained" to my so-called "friends" about my life. when i "had" them (and Drew), i had nothing to complain about.

i don't know why several times in my life i have found myself in circles of people who turn out to be bottom-feeders, and i have talked to a shrink about it.

my weeping jags take place behind the closed doors of my apt at night when i'm alone and my "complaining" comes out here and here alone. i don't say a single word about this on any of the other dozens of internet forums where i'm a member.

i try really hard to tell myself that this is the hand fate has dealt me and i have to learn to live with it - but it gets harder instead of easier as the years go by. what makes it worse, is that this time, i thought i had finally done it right and it turns out that i was wrong - again.
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rouquinne, I have a pattern behavior like that — finding myself in similar situations with people again and again even though I've "been there, done that" don't want them to happen.

I've learned there's something about the way I view the world that draws these types of people and situations to me.
We choose and process only those stimuli that reinforce what we already believe about ourselves.
This process is unconscious. But we can make it conscious by intentionally stating what we would like to see happen and acting as though it will, consistently and deliberately.

I'm not saying it's easy. It's frustrating, I know. Believe me, I know. But those are some of the thoughts I've been having lately on the subject.
Because rejection is my biggest fear.

Because I'm pickier than I can afford to be.

Because, honestly, I don't think many guys are interested in me.

Because I'm too shy and awkward around most guys.

Because my mother keeps insinuating that I need a boyfriend, so to annoy her, I go with the whole "independent woman" vibe, even though I actually would like to be dating someone.

I'm 19 and I've never actually dated anyone, although there have been a few guys who I've been "talking to". It's never panned out. (Side note to my college-age posters: Is it just me, or do people our age not really "date" anymore? Hardly anyone I know goes on dates unless they're already dating...anyway...) I try to tell myself that there's nothing seriously wrong with me, but I still have this nagging feeling that there is. I'm not pretty, and I've come to terms with that, but I'm definitely not grotesque. Yet there are girls less attractive than I who manage to date normally. I don't get it.

There's sort of a guy right now...I like him more than I've liked anyone for awhile. We're definitely friends, and there's been some weird tension. He keeps making strange comments and pretty much just acting bizarre. Guys say girls are hard to understand, but I have a ridiculously hard time understanding guys! Anyway...sigh.
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us."
-Marianne Williamson

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