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Old 12-17-2012, 01:26 PM   #2161
 
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For those of you who are trying to meet (or have met) people in real life, do you have suggestions? I don't go clubbing, and even though I go to bars often I have never met a man at one. Maybe I'm not sending out the right signals?
I don't think there is any formula, but these are my personal observations:

- the better you look, the better the odds. Not saying you have to be model gorgeous but you need to make the most of what you have. Some women look like they just don't care about their appearance at all and that is a turn off to many men. Hair, clothing, weight, posture, nails, and more all factor in.

- like attracts like. Not always but often. When you are unhappy and stressed and all confused about something, you're not going to draw happy, well-adjusted people to you. Even if you are OK, always try to improve.

- really think about the circles you travel in. Are there opportunities to meet men? Do you just drive to work, drive to your female-only gym, drive home and talk to your mom and gfs on the phone? You can't force a connection but you stretch your physical comfort zone to include more meeting places (not necesarily male-oriented places but new and different places...can be any kind of place, just not the one you've been to 100 times before).

- are you friendly? When meeting in person, the guy sees you and sizes up your looks in the first 2 seconds. After that, your looks are a moot point. You need something else. You can be some random dime who has no distinguishable personality (or worse: who looks stuck up and unapproachable)...or the dime who was crazy cool and funny and made him feel like the he was the only guy in the room.
This is such a great summary. I think in terms of looks, it doesn't meet getting all dolled up all the time, especially if that's not who you are. But it does mean putting in an effort. Maybe your nails aren't bright red, or acrylic tips, but make sure they're neatly filed and buffed, for example. Your clothes should fit, and emphasize your shape and your best assets. If you're a "tshirt and jeans" girl, make sure they fit great, and aren't hiding your curves under a big T, or giving you a muffing top, or make you look like you haven't shopped since you were 15.

If you know you're not friendly "i.e. I'm not friendly. I'm shy and stuck up" then you need to learn how to be friendly...or at least come across that way. Fake it until you make it. Practice smiling at people and saying hello. It won't kill you. I'm not telling you to be an extrovert, but there are a LOT of ways an introvert can be friendly, warm, and welcoming.

Even someone with a ton of friends might have the same issues, if their friends aren't having parties and inviting people that you don't already know. It's all about finding opportunities to meet people. Some people have the personality to meet someone in a bookstore. I don't. I can't just start a conversation with someone like that! But if you're in a class with someone, or participating in something together, it's so much easier to say "Hi, I'm Jane. This is my first class here. Have you taken any others?". And then you will see the person every week until the class is over. (And by class, it could be something at the gym, or at an adult ed. group, or a participating in a volunteer opportunity, or a running club, etc.).
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:08 PM   #2162
 
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I love all the advice. Thanks to everyone. What spiderlashes said especially made me think. I'm resistant to that much introspection, but according to the things on her list it makes sense why I never meet anyone.

1. I'm not friendly. I'm shy and stuck up (I have to admit that it's true).

2. I think I make the most of my looks (well, I do what I can...) but men tend to only think I look sexy and/or cute. I don't think the sort of guy I'm interested in thinks of me as relationship material. I also don't think it would come naturally to me to look really polished with nails done, hair done, everything did. I'm not that sort of girl. But I'm also not the sporty/natural/hiking sort of girl.

I'm realizing also that part of my problem is that I have no friends. Hence no events to go to and hence no one to introduce me to anyone. I looked into meetup since so many people here suggested it but...

Maybe I should just look into whether the delivery man is single...

Sorry for the crankiness. It's been a rough few days.

Not sure what the bold black and red comments mean. Sexy and cute are great, especially if you have been described both ways.

Why aren't you relationship material?

As far as the blue, you should be yourself (whatever that is), but just do it WELL! LOL

Having lots of friends does help. But you can meet men doing solo activities. And they don't have to be "social" activities. Just car-related , for instance, and solo, I've met men, car shopping, getting my oil changed, waiting for a car repair and asking for help at Advance Auto Parts (damsel in distress I guess LOL).

A good friend (who is an older woman) always says when you want to meet a man "get dressed and get in the way."
What I meant was simply that "sexy" doesn't make a man want to marry you. It makes him want to sleep with you. It's a cliche but it's true, isn't it? Wouldn't most women rather be considered pretty or beautiful, not sexy or cute? Anyway, I don't think my appearance is the problem.

I love your friend's advice. I need to get in the way!
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:20 PM   #2163
 
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If you know you're not friendly "i.e. I'm not friendly. I'm shy and stuck up" then you need to learn how to be friendly...or at least come across that way. Fake it until you make it. Practice smiling at people and saying hello. It won't kill you. I'm not telling you to be an extrovert, but there are a LOT of ways an introvert can be friendly, warm, and welcoming.

Even someone with a ton of friends might have the same issues, if their friends aren't having parties and inviting people that you don't already know. It's all about finding opportunities to meet people. Some people have the personality to meet someone in a bookstore. I don't. I can't just start a conversation with someone like that! But if you're in a class with someone, or participating in something together, it's so much easier to say "Hi, I'm Jane. This is my first class here. Have you taken any others?". And then you will see the person every week until the class is over. (And by class, it could be something at the gym, or at an adult ed. group, or a participating in a volunteer opportunity, or a running club, etc.).
I know it won't kill me but trust that it will be awkward and weird coming from me! I'll try, though. This morning I introduced myself to someone I recognized from a cafe I go to. Not to pick him up but just to practice talking to someone. The conversation was a little awkward but whatever.

I've been single for almost a year now. This is a lonely time of year.
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:13 PM   #2164
 
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I suck at that. The only way I can strike up random convos with guys I think are cute is if I'm at the bar...with a glass of wine in my hand. And I have to notice something about him that maybe gives a feeling he may like me
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Old 12-18-2012, 01:22 PM   #2165
 
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If you know you're not friendly "i.e. I'm not friendly. I'm shy and stuck up" then you need to learn how to be friendly...or at least come across that way. Fake it until you make it. Practice smiling at people and saying hello. It won't kill you. I'm not telling you to be an extrovert, but there are a LOT of ways an introvert can be friendly, warm, and welcoming.

Even someone with a ton of friends might have the same issues, if their friends aren't having parties and inviting people that you don't already know. It's all about finding opportunities to meet people. Some people have the personality to meet someone in a bookstore. I don't. I can't just start a conversation with someone like that! But if you're in a class with someone, or participating in something together, it's so much easier to say "Hi, I'm Jane. This is my first class here. Have you taken any others?". And then you will see the person every week until the class is over. (And by class, it could be something at the gym, or at an adult ed. group, or a participating in a volunteer opportunity, or a running club, etc.).
I know it won't kill me but trust that it will be awkward and weird coming from me! I'll try, though. This morning I introduced myself to someone I recognized from a cafe I go to. Not to pick him up but just to practice talking to someone. The conversation was a little awkward but whatever.

I've been single for almost a year now. This is a lonely time of year.
You know, I'm like this too. I really wish I wasn't just for making friends in my building, I have none and I've been living here for years. I only have one and it's because my ex was the friendly one talking to him. I've noticed guys are better at making random friends(male or female). The plus side is, even if you are awkward, if you're talking to a male, you'll get points and you don't have to be that 'cool' if you know what I mean. Even if you are not talkative, just smiling or looking friendly and casual eye contact will make it easier for people to approach you.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:00 PM   #2166
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one of the great advantage of growing up with 8 sisters is i have never felt uncomfortable with women. make male friends and get used to being around them. if youre uneasy it makes the men feel the same
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:30 PM   #2167
 
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What I've been told by men is that I look approachable. I smile and laugh a lot. Men are nervous about approaching a woman, because they are afraid they are going to be snubbed. I'm also a big flirt. I do this without coming across as someone who is easy. I just know how to make eye contact to let them know I'm interested, but I do this very subtle. I will make eye contact with a man for about 3 seconds then look away then look back again very briefly and smile. Trust me this works every time.

I agree that you need to look like you care about your looks. Groomed nails are important. I don't think it matters a whole lot if you are dressed up or down as long as the clothes are flattering on you. I once went to a club where so many of the single women were dressed to the nines. It's a rather casual club and I was wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt. These other women were either dancing with each other or sitting at a table with each other. I was dancing with men all night long.

The night I met my now fiance, I made eye contact while we were on the dance floor dancing with other people. As soon as the song was over he approached me and the rest is history.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:57 PM   #2168
 
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I've always been told I look very unapproachable. So I have to fight against that pre/misconception.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:11 PM   #2169
 
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What do you mean by pre/misconception?
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:13 PM   #2170
 
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What do you mean by pre/misconception?
Usually people think if you 'look' unapproachable it means you're unfriendly, upset, sad about life, stuck up, etc.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:20 PM   #2171
 
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Thanks, Josephine.
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:36 PM   #2172
 
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A sticky situation?

I have a first date tonight w/ a guy I'm really interested in.


During emails and phone conversations, I began to suspect he worked w/ my exbf.

So I called up my exbf, and lo and behold, this guy is my exbf's former supervisor. (As of recently in a different position.)

Do I bring this up to the guy? If so, when and what do I say?
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:50 PM   #2173
 
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I would tell him immediately. He'll probably find out sometime and may not be too happy that you kept that from him. I wouldn't think this would keep him from dating you. You and the ex are history. As far as what to say, just tell him the truth. You suspected and verified it with your ex. The truth is usually the best route to go.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:04 PM   #2174
 
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I would tell him immediately. He'll probably find out sometime and may not be too happy that you kept that from him. I wouldn't think this would keep him from dating you. You and the ex are history. As far as what to say, just tell him the truth. You suspected and verified it with your ex. The truth is usually the best route to go.
You don't think this revelation, combined with the fact that I'm on friendly terms w/ the exbf, combined with the other fact that I chose to ask the exbf about my suspicions rather than the new guy...would be an early dealbreaker? Not better to wait until I know he already likes me before I spill the beans?

(Yes, the exbf and I are history...at least a far as I'm concerned! We've been broken up for 1.5 years.)
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:08 PM   #2175
 
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Why didn't you feel comfortable asking him instead the ex-bf?
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:16 PM   #2176
 
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Why didn't you feel comfortable asking him instead the ex-bf?
I consider myself good friends w/ the exbf and I just felt more comfortable; the exbf would have no reason to lie or judge me or whatever, nothing was at stake.

But I barely knew the new guy; I began having these suspicions very early in our communication. And it could be weird if I blurted out that I thought I had "been with" one of his colleagues. Then he might wonder what were the odds...maybe I've been w/ half the city! LOL

When just meeting someone, you don't want to say too much...esp not about this.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:35 PM   #2177
 
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I agree you don't need to blurt out everything when you 1st meet someone, but I think this situation is different. It's something he may feel you should have told him and it may make him not trust you. I would really doubt that he would think that you had been with all his colleague's. If he is that small minded then you are better off not getting involved with him. I, personally would tell him like I thought it was funny and it's a small world, but that's just me. Also, I am more comfortable with men who are on good terms with their ex's. I get suspicious when they call all their ex's pyscho ...........s. BUT I wouldn't want my bf to tell his ex's about our personal business, if you know what I mean.
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Old 12-20-2012, 06:46 AM   #2178
 
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It's after the fact but I just wanted to say that I agree completely with Lotsawaves. Did you end up telling him? How did the date go overall?

I also had a first date last night and it went really well. Plus I have a 3rd date this weekend with a guy I thought was out of the picture. On top of that, the thing with the two-month guy that I thought had fizzled out naturally since neither one of us texted the other for days has suddenly resurfaced (so I need to officially end it). It's seriously feast or famine.
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:18 AM   #2179
 
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It's after the fact but I just wanted to say that I agree completely with Lotsawaves. Did you end up telling him? How did the date go overall?

I also had a first date last night and it went really well. Plus I have a 3rd date this weekend with a guy I thought was out of the picture. On top of that, the thing with the two-month guy that I thought had fizzled out naturally since neither one of us texted the other for days has suddenly resurfaced (so I need to officially end it). It's seriously feast or famine.
We had to reschedule the date! Ughhh

***

I always knew my phone missed a lot of calls. But I never realized it misses about 50% of them. I conducted an experiment this week and I am stunned by how crappy my phone is. Men are always mad at me for blowing them off and not returning calls...and my relationships seem to be punctuated by a bit more communication drama than other people's.

Now I see why. So glad I'm scheduled for a phone upgrade next month!

Make sure your phones are working, daters!
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:30 AM   #2180
 
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It's after the fact but I just wanted to say that I agree completely with Lotsawaves. Did you end up telling him? How did the date go overall?

I also had a first date last night and it went really well. Plus I have a 3rd date this weekend with a guy I thought was out of the picture. On top of that, the thing with the two-month guy that I thought had fizzled out naturally since neither one of us texted the other for days has suddenly resurfaced (so I need to officially end it). It's seriously feast or famine.
We had to reschedule the date! Ughhh

***

I always knew my phone missed a lot of calls. But I never realized it misses about 50% of them. I conducted an experiment this week and I am stunned by how crappy my phone is. Men are always mad at me for blowing them off and not returning calls...and my relationships seem to be punctuated by a bit more communication drama than other people's.

Now I see why. So glad I'm scheduled for a phone upgrade next month!

Make sure your phone are working, daters!
Not related to dating, but I've been missing about 50% of calls lately, also. Very frustrating.

I recently learned that the cell phone companies are switching their towers out to be 4G, and that anyone whose phone is not 4G capable is suffering major service problems.

I just ordered a new 4G capable phone, despite having just purchased a new phone in July.
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