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Old 04-14-2012, 08:38 PM   #1021
 
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Myrna,

I love what you wrote above. If you don't mind sharing it, I'm interested to know how you and your now DH approached getting to know each other from different cities (countries!). I have considered this, but 2nd-guessed that it was realistic.

And if only I'd asked my ex off the bat, "What kind of relationship are you looking for?" I would've saved myself some pain, assuming he would have been honest or at least not a good liar so I could've read him.
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:42 PM   #1022
 
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An actual message I just received on OkC from Marc120, "you aaaa forget it."

Wtf is wrong with some of these people?! Oh, it's a Saturday night, could be drunk.
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:52 PM   #1023
 
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Ursula- I'm glad the ab stuff has helped. I completely understand. I've pretty much stalled in my weight loss at the moment (lots of reasons), and I'm pretty sure I curse my non-flat stomach at least twice a week.

I've been single and doing the online dating thing for over two years, but I really only put forth any kind of effort sporadically, so I never felt like I had anything to share here. Back in the making an effort phase right now. And realizing why I spend so much time not looking. Have gotten lots of messages in the last few days, but I'm not really super excited over any of them. I'm writing back and trying to get to know people, but I feel like I've become way too much of a cynic for the whole getting to know you phase of any relationship. I suspect part of it is because I have a wedding to attend in two weeks. I'm bringing my choir director as my date (who also happens to be one of my best friends and someone I've been attracted to since the day I met him over seven years ago). I know that nothing will happen with my friend, but I also know that if I were to meet someone tomorrow and instantly hit it off, things could be awkward all the way around.
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Old 04-15-2012, 09:14 AM   #1024
 
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Just had the worst date on Friday night. The guy actually told me about the time he got a hooker in Aruba. I should probably give up on okcupid.
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Old 04-15-2012, 10:39 AM   #1025
 
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Thanks everyone for your feedback! You know I did think about the fact that he didn't ask my opinion. But I thought he was just trying to be assertive and "take charge". I didn't place too much weight on it at the time...

However, may not be seeing Mr. Macho at all. As soon as I suggested coffee instead, he feigned a sudden sinus infection LOL. I think I may have really dodged a bullet with this one.
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Old 04-15-2012, 10:47 AM   #1026
 
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Originally Posted by saulssweetie View Post
Just had the worst date on Friday night. The guy actually told me about the time he got a hooker in Aruba. I should probably give up on okcupid.
Wow...that's TMI for a first date...or any date! Sounds like he might have purposely been trying to turn you off for some strange reason...Or do some guys lack THAT much of a verbal filter?
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:03 PM   #1027
 
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Thanks, Diaspora, lol, you are getting the benefit of my personal as well as professional experience; I am a psychotherapist and I have quite a many observations from the front. First, I have to say that I knew immediately that there was something special about Pierre; I just looked at his pic, and then the first time we talked it was over 2 hours. We spent every day on the phone. We talked about distance up front; he asked me in our first conversation if I would ever marry again. We were both in our 50's, and at this age and stage of life, it is foolish to fool around if a relationship, long term, or marriage, is what we want. We were both open to the possibility that eventually one of us would have to move, and that too has to be dealt with up front, right away, because otherwise a lot of time could be spent - wasted - and feelings hurt. Pierre and I talked every day; I always knew where he was and he knew where I was so we built in a high level of trust. I didnt feel controlled or controlling. I felt safe. After 2 weeks, Pierre decided he was coming to meet me. So he did. We started talking at the end of March of 09, and had our first meeting at the end of April of 09. After that, he came to visit about every month and a half, and he is far from being a man of wealth. It is all about priorities. Those guys who say "I dont want a distance relationship" are not being realistic. It is really hard to find true compatibility at any age. It always was, even when we were younger, we just did not know it, we did not know what true compatibility was, and that is part of why the divorce rate is about 60%. It is all about knowing who you are, what you need, having enough faith in yourself to put it out t there. That will be $100, please. : )
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Old 04-15-2012, 02:36 PM   #1028
 
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So....I'm a little Witchy person and I was listening to a podcast yesterday on love spells. Not like super serious stuff....but one of the first steps was to seriously consider what ur looking for in a man. Make a list and believe that ur bringing him into ur life. Have any of u actually really thought about what u want? That's kind of a hard one for me...maybe that's why I haven't found him yet...#sigh


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Old 04-15-2012, 03:43 PM   #1029
 
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Yes, I think it is very important to know what you want. I had to figure it out too. Otherwise, its like going to the grocery store without a list - most of us would wind up with all sorts of stuff we dont need, probably not good stuff either. Or like going grocery shopping when we are really hungry - we grab everything, and dont get what we need, and what is healthy. Food is love!
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:49 PM   #1030
 
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That's a good analogy, Myrna. Thank you. That's definitely something I need to work on. I keep thinking that I'll know it when I see it, but obviously that isn't working so well.
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:48 PM   #1031
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrna View Post
It is all about priorities. Those guys who say "I dont want a distance relationship" are not being realistic. It is really hard to find true compatibility at any age. It always was, even when we were younger, we just did not know it, we did not know what true compatibility was, and that is part of why the divorce rate is about 60%. It is all about knowing who you are, what you need, having enough faith in yourself to put it out t there.
This is really interesting, especially the part about finding true compatibility at any age.
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:50 PM   #1032
 
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Originally Posted by GoddessCurls View Post
So....I'm a little Witchy person and I was listening to a podcast yesterday on love spells. Not like super serious stuff....but one of the first steps was to seriously consider what ur looking for in a man. Make a list and believe that ur bringing him into ur life. Have any of u actually really thought about what u want? That's kind of a hard one for me...maybe that's why I haven't found him yet...#sigh


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I did this. A friend's therapist recommended it to her, so she and I both did it and tried to hold each other accountable.

I lost track of the list over time, but I'm pretty sure my SO meets most of my 'requirements.'
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:51 PM   #1033
 
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@myrna, ur right. We should always have a list. I guess I need to devote some time to making a list


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Old 04-15-2012, 05:31 PM   #1034
 
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Diaspora, I just noticed in your signature that you're Urbancurl! Nice to see you back here! (unless you've been back for a while, and I'm just noticing...)
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:06 PM   #1035
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrna View Post
Thanks, Diaspora, lol, you are getting the benefit of my personal as well as professional experience; I am a psychotherapist and I have quite a many observations from the front. First, I have to say that I knew immediately that there was something special about Pierre; I just looked at his pic, and then the first time we talked it was over 2 hours. We spent every day on the phone. We talked about distance up front; he asked me in our first conversation if I would ever marry again. We were both in our 50's, and at this age and stage of life, it is foolish to fool around if a relationship, long term, or marriage, is what we want. We were both open to the possibility that eventually one of us would have to move, and that too has to be dealt with up front, right away, because otherwise a lot of time could be spent - wasted - and feelings hurt. Pierre and I talked every day; I always knew where he was and he knew where I was so we built in a high level of trust. I didnt feel controlled or controlling. I felt safe. After 2 weeks, Pierre decided he was coming to meet me. So he did. We started talking at the end of March of 09, and had our first meeting at the end of April of 09. After that, he came to visit about every month and a half, and he is far from being a man of wealth. It is all about priorities. Those guys who say "I dont want a distance relationship" are not being realistic. It is really hard to find true compatibility at any age. It always was, even when we were younger, we just did not know it, we did not know what true compatibility was, and that is part of why the divorce rate is about 60%. It is all about knowing who you are, what you need, having enough faith in yourself to put it out t there. That will be $100, please. : )
I don't have much more than $100 to my name, but maybe I could send you some hair products you might like. But seriously, thank you for the sage words and for sharing about your experience.

I think I was always basically who I am (though I'm sure my experiences have shaped me-- I'm trained as a social worker, so we pay attention to person-in-environment), but it wasn't until my 30s, which I am in now, that I see clearly, love, accept, and consciously build on the things I love about who I am that may be very unique or even unorthodox. Therefore, it hasn't been until recently that I really know what I want in a partner. I am glad I decided not to marry my live-in partners from years back. I'm grateful 2 of 3 of them are my good friends today though.

I needed to hear that it can sometimes take openness to distance to find someone who is right for you, because I know what I want/need, and unfortunately it is something pretty darned hard to find, staying local anyway, so I am going to consider greatly broadening my search. In addition to the givens (for me) of nice person, nice to me, intelligent, physical attraction, I've learned that I need something else-- a similar world view/political perspective to mine, and a similar passion for it (otherwise the attraction and dedication won't last for me). I hold a political perspective that isn't too common, especially in the U.S. I'm active with orgs and events that reflect my beliefs, yet still do not come across many men who share them and are available and attractive. I have found men like this twice, within the last 3 years, but the relationships did not work out. I hope I don't have to wait 2 or 3 more years to find someone who has this thing, but also the other relationship necessities (like wanting a relationship, lol, or being willing to move out of your mom's house!).

I think it would be easier if all I cared about were those stereotypical things women are only supposed to care about, like career, money, wants kids. I don't care about any of those. But, it's taken me many years of relationships and dating to even know I need this specific thing, and I finally dated 2 men who have it, even if it didn't work out, so I think that means I am getting closer.

Thanks again, Myrna!
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:11 PM   #1036
 
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Diaspora, I just noticed in your signature that you're Urbancurl! Nice to see you back here! (unless you've been back for a while, and I'm just noticing...)
Thanks, Ursula!! I got very busy and caught up with life for some years there, but I am so happy to be back and catch up with everyone from back in the day! I couldn't even remember my old username until Spiderlashes told me the other day, but I'm unable to log in as Urbancurl now. I hope you've been well!!!
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:14 PM   #1037
 
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Yes, I think it is very important to know what you want. I had to figure it out too. Otherwise, its like going to the grocery store without a list - most of us would wind up with all sorts of stuff we dont need, probably not good stuff either. Or like going grocery shopping when we are really hungry - we grab everything, and dont get what we need, and what is healthy. Food is love!
Food is love! Love it! I'm gonna have to put that on a t-shirt

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Old 04-16-2012, 12:28 AM   #1038
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diaspora View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by ursula View Post
Diaspora, I just noticed in your signature that you're Urbancurl! Nice to see you back here! (unless you've been back for a while, and I'm just noticing...)
Thanks, Ursula!! I got very busy and caught up with life for some years there, but I am so happy to be back and catch up with everyone from back in the day! I couldn't even remember my old username until Spiderlashes told me the other day, but I'm unable to log in as Urbancurl now. I hope you've been well!!!
OMG, it's urbancurl! I used to post under sfcurlee back in the day. Welcome back!
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:02 AM   #1039
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wild~hair View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by diaspora View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by ursula View Post
Diaspora, I just noticed in your signature that you're Urbancurl! Nice to see you back here! (unless you've been back for a while, and I'm just noticing...)
Thanks, Ursula!! I got very busy and caught up with life for some years there, but I am so happy to be back and catch up with everyone from back in the day! I couldn't even remember my old username until Spiderlashes told me the other day, but I'm unable to log in as Urbancurl now. I hope you've been well!!!
OMG, it's urbancurl! I used to post under sfcurlee back in the day. Welcome back!
Sfcurlee!! Yay! Thanks! Great signature.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:06 AM   #1040
 
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I've been back online for three weeks. Met four guys. Have a date w/ guy #5 lined up for this week.

> First guy was very nice and age-appropriate but looked and acted like a fossil. I felt I was out w/ grandpa. No can do. He still calls me, tho.


> The second guy snagged the date, then informed me at the last minute that he doesn't have a car and I had to pick him up. Then informed me he was staying w/ his sister and her family until he "gets back on his feet." Then we wound up going dutch (which was not my preference) at Panera. Ordinarily, that would be a deal breaker but I gave him another chance bc he was nice and I gave him the benefit of the doubt bc he had never been to a Panera before and was distracted looking at the menu and pastry. And on the second date, he once again asked me if we could go dutch after he had a long and embarrassing mishap at the ATM in the movie theatre. This guy is currently working in the IT field and is retired from the US Air Force (i.e., is pulling a military pension). There is no reason for him to be on a dating site if he doesn't have a car, his own place or any money. Trifling! We went out twice, and he had enough money for ~himself~ for both dates. Why not take that money and use it to treat me to one decent date instead of these two BS dutch dates? He calls and texts me constantly, even refers to me as "sweetheart." Uhhh, no thnx.


> Another guy was nice but was very quiet and boring and didn't seem to have any opinions or know how to make small talk. Still emailing me. (why email when he have already been out on a date?? Just call or text. Or don't. Yeah, don't.)


>I went out with the aforementioned "pubic hair" guy last night and he was really sweet. Apologized profusely for the inappropriate pic. Said he felt the pics of him online were old and unflattering and he wanted me to see that he was in shape and think he was sexy...but he had taken it w/ his older phone which has a very small screen and he couldn't see the level of detail that was visible on my newer phone w/ a large screen (showed me how it looks on his phone). I am considering a second date w/ him. My main hesitation is that he describes himself as a God-fearing agnostic. And my strong preference is for a man who is Christian.


> I have a date scheduled for this Wednesday with a retired professional athlete. A celebrity, I guess. He seems nice but he seems so worldly and mature and like...a professional athlete!
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