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Old 04-30-2012, 12:24 PM   #1121
 
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--The dig at his parents (to a stranger) seriously annoys me. Unless I'm supposed to ask him to elaborate on those issues and see what else we have to talk about!!

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Well, I would of course look for another lawyer job if I lose this one. (I have some downtime now to respond.) It's just that there are so many new grads and not enough jobs, so it would not be certain that I'd find anything in my field even after looking for months and months, which of course I would.

May also look now as well. There are a few types of law I just wouldn't be willing to do, like car accident law or Document Review. I have some contacts I would ask for help and hope one of them knew someone who could help me out. I could also go on unemployment and volunteer for a non profit and try to make connections to get a job elsewhere as a non profit lawyer.

I don't have tons of debt, just $150 a month loan payments. There are great things about law and not great things about it; I don't want a life of ridiculous stress - I don't care about money as long as I could be middle class. I want to do something meaningful and that I am passionate about, and so if I could not do that in law I would need to change. I don't want to be one of those people who is miserable for 40 years at work.

My dream has been and is to work for the government but I will have to see whether that pans out, and in the meantime position myself in the best way to achieve my goals, and law experience would be helpful. I'm not making much money here but I really just want the experience.

What I want out of life is: real love, a job I feel good about going to, enough income for a middle class life and to be able to have a retirement in my 60s hopefully, not much stress or anxiety, free time after work and on weekends and vacations to enjoy life, no or minimal marital discord, and hopefully 1 or 2 children to be an amazing dad to and to be able to help them have better lives and to parent better than how I was parented (which was not bad but lacking in key areas.)

My dream was not necessarily to be a lawyer and that was part of the problem. I had passions in other areas that I pushed to the side because I wanted to please my parents. I can still end up in an amazing career, but I'll have to fight hard, and I will, but it is hard to have so much uncertainty and not have anxiety. And I feel scared when I think about it not all working out the way I feel like it "has" to, but I have to fight hard and just hope that it all works out. It's not about money at all, just about my dreams and happiness. I'd much rather have more free time than more money - the business world is not for me, and I also had thoughts about the lawyer world for the same reason.

Not sure if that answers the question or not...

Anyway, any advice or input would be appreciated for sure.
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:10 PM   #1122
 
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This dude sounds WEIRD. Like he needs a therapist and not a girlfriend. Most of the time I'd say to stop messaging him back but you seem to be mostly doing it for the lolz at this point so.

Re: my guy that I mentioned. He was in the habit of messaging me on Skype every time we were both online ... I think I went first only once last week. But then yesterday I had to message him first, and today I notice he's there but not messaging me. Do we think lack of interest or him trying to avoid liking me as per the statement I showed you guys or does he just want me to make the effort?
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:25 PM   #1123
 
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...Re: my guy that I mentioned. He was in the habit of messaging me on Skype every time we were both online ... I think I went first only once last week. But then yesterday I had to message him first, and today I notice he's there but not messaging me. Do we think lack of interest or him trying to avoid liking me as per the statement I showed you guys or does he just want me to make the effort?
Hmm, I think it might be too early to tell what the reason is until/if his not messaging you starts to become a pattern, or until your gut tells you something about it. Hopefully it won't become a pattern, and he's just busy or something. It sucks wondering though, right?
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:32 PM   #1124
 
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So I went out with a new guy from OkC last night. I can tell already that I feel a friend vibe for him but nothing more (he's smaller than me, and I'm pretty small, and some other physical stuff I just can't get down with). Thing is, he already planned to introduce me to his friend who DJs and is looking for other DJs to sub for him (I DJ too). I'm supposed to meet the OkC guy at the bar where his friend DJs tomorrow so we can meet. I guess I'm a little nervous because the guy made it clear he's interested in continuing to date, and I haven't said anything yet, and I hope that when I do (tomorrow) it won't affect my potential new gig/professional relationship with his friend. It's not rude of me to go ahead and see about the gig is it?
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:46 PM   #1125
 
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
This dude sounds WEIRD. Like he needs a therapist and not a girlfriend. Most of the time I'd say to stop messaging him back but you seem to be mostly doing it for the lolz at this point so.
But of course!!!
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:20 AM   #1126
 
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So I went out with a new guy from OkC last night. I can tell already that I feel a friend vibe for him but nothing more (he's smaller than me, and I'm pretty small, and some other physical stuff I just can't get down with). Thing is, he already planned to introduce me to his friend who DJs and is looking for other DJs to sub for him (I DJ too). I'm supposed to meet the OkC guy at the bar where his friend DJs tomorrow so we can meet. I guess I'm a little nervous because the guy made it clear he's interested in continuing to date, and I haven't said anything yet, and I hope that when I do (tomorrow) it won't affect my potential new gig/professional relationship with his friend. It's not rude of me to go ahead and see about the gig is it?

That's tricky but I think you're OK. You haven't lied to him and there are no guarantees when it comes to dating, esp not online dating. People have to be prepared for some/most encounters not to be love connections.

But that's great news. I hope the mtg goes well!
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:26 AM   #1127
 
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
This dude sounds WEIRD. Like he needs a therapist and not a girlfriend. Most of the time I'd say to stop messaging him back but you seem to be mostly doing it for the lolz at this point so.

Re: my guy that I mentioned. He was in the habit of messaging me on Skype every time we were both online ... I think I went first only once last week. But then yesterday I had to message him first, and today I notice he's there but not messaging me. Do we think lack of interest or him trying to avoid liking me as per the statement I showed you guys or does he just want me to make the effort?
I don't skype or IM, so I may not be the best person to weigh in , but personally, I find such things very annoying. I hate when people IM me, ESPECIALLY on the dating site while I am checking my mail.

Maybe he did it initially just to get your attn, but doesn't love that media and actually prefers emailing, texting and calling?

I don't recall the back story but have you met the guy in person? Have you spoken to him on the phone? If you have been enjoying his company via skype or whatever, why not dispense w/ all this other stuff and just go out w/ him to see if there is chemistry?

(If you aready covered this, sorry. Point me to the post so I can read the history.)

eta -- I went back and looked. I see he lives clear acros the country. Not sure what to say about that; I don't do the long distance thing. Is that something you both said you are open to?
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Old 05-01-2012, 12:46 PM   #1128
 
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So, hhe wanted advice...and I said, "Not sure the girl who got laid-off and has been struggling to find a job for the past eighteen months is somebody to be dishing-out advice........................................"

He writes:
"Okay. I guess I was just thinking we could encourage each other though."

When can I write him a one-page email about how the stress of being unemployed is causing me to have a relapse in my eating disorder?
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:45 PM   #1129
 
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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
This dude sounds WEIRD. Like he needs a therapist and not a girlfriend. Most of the time I'd say to stop messaging him back but you seem to be mostly doing it for the lolz at this point so.

Re: my guy that I mentioned. He was in the habit of messaging me on Skype every time we were both online ... I think I went first only once last week. But then yesterday I had to message him first, and today I notice he's there but not messaging me. Do we think lack of interest or him trying to avoid liking me as per the statement I showed you guys or does he just want me to make the effort?
I don't skype or IM, so I may not be the best person to weigh in , but personally, I find such things very annoying. I hate when people IM me, ESPECIALLY on the dating site while I am checking my mail.

Maybe he did it initially just to get your attn, but doesn't love that media and actually prefers emailing, texting and calling?

I don't recall the back story but have you met the guy in person? Have you spoken to him on the phone? If you have been enjoying his company via skype or whatever, why not dispense w/ all this other stuff and just go out w/ him to see if there is chemistry?

(If you aready covered this, sorry. Point me to the post so I can read the history.)

eta -- I went back and looked. I see he lives clear acros the country. Not sure what to say about that; I don't do the long distance thing. Is that something you both said you are open to?
We haven't explicitly discussed what we're looking for ... right now we're just sort of "talking" I guess. I can tell he likes me but I can't tell if he wants anything to come of it. Similarly, I like him but I don't know if I want anything to come of it. This was a silly situation to get myself into; I'm honestly feeling like I should just go back to daydreaming about people who are already in my life who don't like me back.
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:46 PM   #1130
 
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Originally Posted by CanItBeChristine View Post
So, hhe wanted advice...and I said, "Not sure the girl who got laid-off and has been struggling to find a job for the past eighteen months is somebody to be dishing-out advice........................................"

He writes:
"Okay. I guess I was just thinking we could encourage each other though."

When can I write him a one-page email about how the stress of being unemployed is causing me to have a relapse in my eating disorder?
Now. (Though if it's true I'd maybe be careful just because it sounds like he might be the type to freak out when ultimately rejected.)
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:03 PM   #1131
 
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
This dude sounds WEIRD. Like he needs a therapist and not a girlfriend. Most of the time I'd say to stop messaging him back but you seem to be mostly doing it for the lolz at this point so.

Re: my guy that I mentioned. He was in the habit of messaging me on Skype every time we were both online ... I think I went first only once last week. But then yesterday I had to message him first, and today I notice he's there but not messaging me. Do we think lack of interest or him trying to avoid liking me as per the statement I showed you guys or does he just want me to make the effort?
I don't skype or IM, so I may not be the best person to weigh in , but personally, I find such things very annoying. I hate when people IM me, ESPECIALLY on the dating site while I am checking my mail.

Maybe he did it initially just to get your attn, but doesn't love that media and actually prefers emailing, texting and calling?

I don't recall the back story but have you met the guy in person? Have you spoken to him on the phone? If you have been enjoying his company via skype or whatever, why not dispense w/ all this other stuff and just go out w/ him to see if there is chemistry?

(If you aready covered this, sorry. Point me to the post so I can read the history.)

eta -- I went back and looked. I see he lives clear acros the country. Not sure what to say about that; I don't do the long distance thing. Is that something you both said you are open to?
We haven't explicitly discussed what we're looking for ... right now we're just sort of "talking" I guess. I can tell he likes me but I can't tell if he wants anything to come of it. Similarly, I like him but I don't know if I want anything to come of it. This was a silly situation to get myself into; I'm honestly feeling like I should just go back to daydreaming about people who are already in my life who don't like me back.
Or maybe go out w/ guys locally!
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:42 PM   #1132
 
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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post

I don't skype or IM, so I may not be the best person to weigh in , but personally, I find such things very annoying. I hate when people IM me, ESPECIALLY on the dating site while I am checking my mail.

Maybe he did it initially just to get your attn, but doesn't love that media and actually prefers emailing, texting and calling?

I don't recall the back story but have you met the guy in person? Have you spoken to him on the phone? If you have been enjoying his company via skype or whatever, why not dispense w/ all this other stuff and just go out w/ him to see if there is chemistry?

(If you aready covered this, sorry. Point me to the post so I can read the history.)

eta -- I went back and looked. I see he lives clear acros the country. Not sure what to say about that; I don't do the long distance thing. Is that something you both said you are open to?
We haven't explicitly discussed what we're looking for ... right now we're just sort of "talking" I guess. I can tell he likes me but I can't tell if he wants anything to come of it. Similarly, I like him but I don't know if I want anything to come of it. This was a silly situation to get myself into; I'm honestly feeling like I should just go back to daydreaming about people who are already in my life who don't like me back.
Or maybe go out w/ guys locally!
Yes but they are all gross.
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Favorite products: Kinky-Curly Knot Today, Kinky-Curly Curling Custard, Curl Junkie Curls in a Bottle, Curl Junkie Curl Rehab, Curl Junkie Curl Assurance Smoothing Lotion, Shea Moisture Curl and Style Milk, homemade flaxseed gel.

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Old 05-02-2012, 09:10 AM   #1133
 
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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post

We haven't explicitly discussed what we're looking for ... right now we're just sort of "talking" I guess. I can tell he likes me but I can't tell if he wants anything to come of it. Similarly, I like him but I don't know if I want anything to come of it. This was a silly situation to get myself into; I'm honestly feeling like I should just go back to daydreaming about people who are already in my life who don't like me back.
Or maybe go out w/ guys locally!
Yes but they are all gross.
The guy I've been seeing looks way better in person than he did in any of his pics.

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Old 05-02-2012, 09:41 AM   #1134
 
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i un-hid my profile on PoF last night and by this morning had 7 new "meet me" emails.

as usual, you can tell they only look at the photo and don't bother to read the profile:

#1 is Tall 'N Fit looking for fit - i'm short and fat
#2 is in Toronto 2 hours away - i don't drive
#3 is in Windsor 2.5 hours away - see above
#4 has 3 children under 16 - i'm 52, childless and like it that way
#5 is married and looking for something on the side - NOT!
#6 has face fuzz and a deep tan - specify in my profile, NO face fuzz and i don't go out in the sun
#7 lives 700 km away in northern Ontario

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Last edited by rouquinne; 05-02-2012 at 09:43 AM.
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:50 AM   #1135
 
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OK, I've hung out w/ this guy I met online 4 times now (over the course of 12 days).

I'm kinda starting to like him!

He's acting like he likes me, too! (But who knows...could be just running game on me.)

Neither one of us has brought up anything about removing our profiles from the site or wanting to be exclusive, etc. And I totally would not expect to have, as it's been less than two weeks.

Yet, I find myself not even really wanting to log on to check my mail, etc., bc I don't want him to see I'm still "active." And I purposely don't look at his profile bc I don't want to see that he is still active.

Things seem to be going well btwn us and I just think if either one of us saw that the other was still actively looking, it would kind of taint things? Anyone understand what I mean? Like he might assume I'm really not into him and start to pull back (same with me).

Rationallly, I totally understand and support the idea of both of us continuing to keep our options open and meet other people (I'm attending a speed dating event tonight that I scheduled a couple of months ago). I mean, we barely know each other! And the purpose of joining the site was to meet lots of new people, and narrow it down from the largest posible pool.

But on the totally irrational, human side, it just seems icky and unnatural to be kissing someone, saying good night to someone, thinking about someone...and then turning around and flirting w/ other people.

I'm going fwd w/ my speed dating plans but I am feeling conflicted over it and I know I would be hurt if, for instance, I saw my guy at the same event.

Several years ago, I'd been happily dating someone I'd met online for about 5 weeks when I reluctantly (at the urging of my friends) accepted a date w/ a diffrent guy. And by some weird conincidence I almost wound up at the same place on the same night w/ both guys. If I had, the guy I had been happily dating for 5 weeks would have surely ended it w/ me.

...I just think "dating around" for just the sake of dating around, can have dangerous consequences.

But when's the right time to deactivate the membership? And does it need to be done bilaterally?
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:31 PM   #1136
 
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OK, I've hung out w/ this guy I met online 4 times now (over the course of 12 days).

I'm kinda starting to like him!

He's acting like he likes me, too! (But who knows...could be just running game on me.)

Neither one of us has brought up anything about removing our profiles from the site or wanting to be exclusive, etc. And I totally would not expect to have, as it's been less than two weeks.

Yet, I find myself not even really wanting to log on to check my mail, etc., bc I don't want him to see I'm still "active." And I purposely don't look at his profile bc I don't want to see that he is still active.

Things seem to be going well btwn us and I just think if either one of us saw that the other was still actively looking, it would kind of taint things? Anyone understand what I mean? Like he might assume I'm really not into him and start to pull back (same with me).

Rationallly, I totally understand and support the idea of both of us continuing to keep our options open and meet other people (I'm attending a speed dating event tonight that I scheduled a couple of months ago). I mean, we barely know each other! And the purpose of joining the site was to meet lots of new people, and narrow it down from the largest posible pool.

But on the totally irrational, human side, it just seems icky and unnatural to be kissing someone, saying good night to someone, thinking about someone...and then turning around and flirting w/ other people.

I'm going fwd w/ my speed dating plans but I am feeling conflicted over it and I know I would be hurt if, for instance, I saw my guy at the same event.

Several years ago, I'd been happily dating someone I'd met online for about 5 weeks when I reluctantly (at the urging of my friends) accepted a date w/ a diffrent guy. And by some weird conincidence I almost wound up at the same place on the same night w/ both guys. If I had, the guy I had been happily dating for 5 weeks would have surely ended it w/ me.

...I just think "dating around" for just the sake of dating around, can have dangerous consequences.

But when's the right time to deactivate the membership? And does it need to be done bilaterally?
I worry about these things too, sigh. I wish I had a good, one-size-fits all answer, but I guess I do have a pattern. It's more about how I feel about the person than any set amount of time or dates.

I will leave my profile up until I know I really like someone and I feel uninterested in meeting someone else, or if we've talked about commitment, whatever comes first. I don't think there's any set number of dates or weeks that makes it the right time, it's just how I feel about the person and our relationship. However, even leaving my profile up, I will stop paying attention to my messages after 3 or 4 dates, if I felt a really great connection. I wish this happened more often, lol.

With my last bf, after about 6 weeks of seeing each several times a week, I suggested we hide our profiles and we did. It was only a few weeks before I felt uninterested in checking my messages, and I was happily too busy seeing him to have time to put into meeting other guys anyway, but I waited to tell him. You know how you can think someone's great, then after a period of time, you start seeing more clearly and/or their true colors are revealed?

With the guy I was dating most recently, after about 4 dates I was interested enough to just focus on him, but I had some doubts (naturally, after 4 dates). So I was still checking messages now and then, a bit nervous that we'd "see" each other online, but we didn't in the 6 weeks that it lasted. I left my profile up the whole time as my doubts about him increased.

Oh, and don't delete your profile, hide it! Otherwise you have to start from scratch if this guy doesn't end up being for you.

Bottom line I think is doing what you feel comfortable with, but it doesn't mean you have to ask him to do the same thing at the same time.

ETA: Oh, and I would have felt anxious and a little hurt if I'd seen the ex online once we'd had a few dates, or even the guy I didn't end up being into, even though I wouldn't have been mad. I'd imagine they would feel the same way. But if this does happen, besides some uncomfortable feelings/awkwardness, it could lead to having a conversation about dating each other, which would probably be a good thing.
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Last edited by diaspora; 05-02-2012 at 03:37 PM. Reason: added something
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:03 PM   #1137
 
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I had a first time meetup at Starbucks last night. It was such a disappointment. His teeth were jacked up! Now I have to tell him I'm not interested *sigh* I hate having that talk.

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Old 05-02-2012, 07:10 PM   #1138
 
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I had a first time meetup at Starbucks last night. It was such a disappointment. His teeth were jacked up! Now I have to tell him I'm not interested *sigh* I hate having that talk.

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Oh gawd, I know what you mean. And you have to have them so frequently when online dating.
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Old 05-03-2012, 10:53 AM   #1139
 
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I had a first time meetup at Starbucks last night. It was such a disappointment. His teeth were jacked up! Now I have to tell him I'm not interested *sigh* I hate having that talk.

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You know, I think it's totally fine to just email them through whatever dating site you are using and say something like..Thanks for taking the time to meet up with me, but I just don't feel like we have any real chemistry. Best of luck to you!

Maybe that's the chicken way out, but I think if we've only been talking for a short time and have just met up once that that is a totally appropriate way to end things..
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Old 05-03-2012, 11:40 AM   #1140
 
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I have a coffee date set up for this Saturday. I've been really wishy-washy about the whole online dating thing for the last couple months. I have a thing for one of my friends and part of me would much rather try to pursue that. The other part of me is terrified of ruining the friendship and is anxious to meet someone, just to get my mind off of my friend. I realize this inner conflict has the potential of causing me to brush off a very nice guy. But I have yet to figure out how to have a conversation with my friend (or at least a sober one- we've discussed the relationship thing several times after we've been drinking). So Saturday should be interesting.

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