The Official Online Dating Diaries Thread

[ursula]

Originally Posted by diaspora

I would go with the flats-- you're not misrepresenting yourself, as you own flats, you wear them sometimes, right? And this way you are more likely to give it a chance, as you will be less distracted by the difference in height.

I have consciously chosen to wear flats when the guy is shorter than me or about my height. Then, if I start liking him, his height doesn't seem like a big deal and I wear my heels again.

I actually just noticed a really cute couple on the street the other day-- the woman was wearing heels (and had great, full coils!) and appeared to be nearly a foot taller than her stylishly-dressed date, and they were walking with their arms around each other.

Hmm, I should have listened. I went with my wedge sandals because I noticed I had some crazy tan lines on my feet that would have been visible if I had worn the flats. I didn't want him to notice them and think I purposely wore flats just because he was short. I know: I was overthinking it because I'm sure he never once looked at my feet!

Anyway, he really seemed to be 5' 5", but a short 5' 5". I don't know how to explain it--I feel like it's maybe his proportions? Like short arms and legs or something?

He texted to ask me out again and I agreed and he said he'd call to set up details. The date was like almost every date I've had. Warning: this might sound like bragging, so feel free to eye-roll, but there's a real issue that I need to deal with, I think:

1. He hinted that he was "pleasantly surprised."
2. He said he thought the date was going really well and that it was one of the best dates he's had.

I am apparently really good at first dates--everyone asks me on a second. Which is surprising because I'm really introverted. BUT, it is very hard for me to get the first date. I would say only one out of ten guys I message writes back, and the quality of guy who messages me is terrible. That, along with the fact that everyone seems "pleasantly surprised" and says I look better than my pictures, suggests to me that my profile sucks!

I remember Who Me?'s suggestions about improving profiles several pages back, but I thought I'd revisit this topic, if that's OK. More suggestions, please? What have you done to improve the chances of getting messages from the type of guy YOU want, as opposed to just making your profile generally appealing? I'm looking for suggestions both in terms of text and photos. I'm thinking there must be subtle things in my profile that are sending cues that I don't want sent. (I don't feel comfortable posting my profile here, by the way, so I'm hoping you guys can help me in the abstract.)

[thelio]

Originally Posted by GoddessCurls

Yes...we need to present a united front...attack from all angles...they won't know what hit 'em....lol


Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk

HAHAHA!

I'm not even looking for a man but they way you put it I want in on this attack!

[GoddessCurls]

@thelio...lol

And I get the other part about improving profiles...for me that tends to be a waste...I mean I don't know how many guys admit never even reading mine...they just stop at the pic. And the dude I just had a date with said most guys are like that. I clearly write that my preference is for black men, and I continue to be messaged by white dudes...just not my thing..lol


Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk

[spiderlashes5000]

Originally Posted by ursula

Hmm, I should have listened. I went with my wedge sandals because I noticed I had some crazy tan lines on my feet that would have been visible if I had worn the flats. I didn't want him to notice them and think I purposely wore flats just because he was short. I know: I was overthinking it because I'm sure he never once looked at my feet!

Anyway, he really seemed to be 5' 5", but a short 5' 5". I don't know how to explain it--I feel like it's maybe his proportions? Like short arms and legs or something?

He texted to ask me out again and I agreed and he said he'd call to set up details. The date was like almost every date I've had. Warning: this might sound like bragging, so feel free to eye-roll, but there's a real issue that I need to deal with, I think:

1. He hinted that he was "pleasantly surprised."
2. He said he thought the date was going really well and that it was one of the best dates he's had.

I am apparently really good at first dates--everyone asks me on a second. Which is surprising because I'm really introverted. BUT, it is very hard for me to get the first date. I would say only one out of ten guys I message writes back, and the quality of guy who messages me is terrible. That, along with the fact that everyone seems "pleasantly surprised" and says I look better than my pictures, suggests to me that my profile sucks!

I remember Who Me?'s suggestions about improving profiles several pages back, but I thought I'd revisit this topic, if that's OK. More suggestions, please? What have you done to improve the chances of getting messages from the type of guy YOU want, as opposed to just making your profile generally appealing? I'm looking for suggestions both in terms of text and photos. I'm thinking there must be subtle things in my profile that are sending cues that I don't want sent. (I don't feel comfortable posting my profile here, by the way, so I'm hoping you guys can help me in the abstract.)

I think it would really help if you did post it for us! Not pics...but words.

My tips are: post good pics. Not cheesy and professionally done (bc two guys told me they immediately hit the back button when they see "Glamour Shots" or something similar.

If you have a nice figure, post full body shots (fully clothed).

Don't post any kind of pics of you drunk, throwing gang signs (LOL) or scantally clad.

In terms of text, the less the better. "Just the facts, ma'am."

Don't allude to anything sexual.

Don't belittle yoursef in any way.

Don't be cocky.

Don't reveal that you've been hurt, scarred, traumatized or repeatedly disappointed by men.

Don't have a laundry list of demands and dealbreakers.

Present yourself as though you would be fun to be around.

^^^All of this is from what I gathered talking to men who are on the sites.

My observation is that most men look at the pictures first and that is about 60% of it right there.

Then they read your stats (age, location, race, religion, has kids, wants kids, etc.). And that is another 30%. Maybe 10% is everything else you write.

I don't think the average guy pays that much attn to the details bc they assume we all create online personas that may not truly reflect who we are, and they wil feel us out more in emails, on the phone and in person. But I do believe they look out for (and avoid) the "walking wounded" and the high maintenance types who they think they will never be able to satisfy.

I never message men...so I have no control over the type whom I attract (even though I clearly say in bold that I am looking only for African American, Christian men btwn the ages of 37 and 45 who live in Central Ohio).

Basically, I just describe my lifestyle and what I enjoy doing in my spare time, and a few traits I really appreciate in a mate...and a few I definitely don't want.

Then I screen pretty rigorously based on looks, stats and if their profile is a mess.

If I decide to reply, I will strike up a very general conversation, usually asking them what their weekend plans are or how their week is going, and I evaluate how they respond and what their conversation style is like. I also pay attn to how long they take to reply and if they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me.

I haven't seen too many women's profiles so I can't compare mine to others but I do get compliments...they say it's refreshing not to have to wade thru all this BS other women write! LOL

[ursula]

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

I think it would really help if you did post it for us! Not pics...but words.

My tips are: post good pics. Not cheesy and professionally done (bc two guys told me they immediately hit the back button when they see "Glamour Shots" or something similar.

If you have a nice figure, post full body shots (fully clothed).

Don't post any kind of pics of you drunk, throwing gang signs (LOL) or scantally clad.

In terms of text, the less the better. "Just the facts, ma'am."

Don't allude to anything sexual.

Don't belittle yoursef in any way.

Don't be cocky.

Don't reveal that you've been hurt, scarred, traumatized or repeatedly disappointed by men.

Don't have a laundry list of demands and dealbreakers.

Present yourself as though you would be fun to be around.

^^^All of this is from what I gathered talking to men who are on the sites.

My observation is that most men look at the pictures first and that is about 60% of it right there.

Then they read your stats (age, location, race, religion, has kids, wants kids, etc.). And that is another 30%. Maybe 10% is everything else you write.

I don't think the average guy pays that much attn to the details bc they assume we all create online personas that may not truly reflect who we are, and they wil feel us out more in emails, on the phone and in person. But I do believe they look out for (and avoid) the "walking wounded" and the high maintenance types who they think they will never be able to satisfy.

I never message men...so I have no control over the type whom I attract (even though I clearly say in bold that I am looking only for African American, Christian men btwn the ages of 37 and 45 who live in Central Ohio).

Basically, I just describe my lifestyle and what I enjoy doing in my spare time, and a few traits I really appreciate in a mate...and a few I definitely don't want.

Then I screen pretty rigorously based on looks, stats and if their profile is a mess.

If I decide to reply, I will strike up a very general conversation, usually asking them what their weekend plans are or how their week is going, and I evaluate how they respond and what their conversation style is like. I also pay attn to how long they take to reply and if they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me.

I haven't seen too many women's profiles so I can't compare mine to others but I do get compliments...they say it's refreshing not to have to wade thru all this BS other women write! LOL

Thanks, spiderlashes! This is really helpful. And, no, I'm not posting my profile here. Too embarrassing.

Anyway, what I'm getting from both you and GoddessCurls is that the pictures are much more important than the text. So that's what I really need to improve about my profile.

Maybe all of this will be moot if I just cave and post a full-body photo. That could be why people are pleasantly surprised, actually, because they probably assume the worst. My body's OK: not great, not terrible. So I should probably just bite the bullet and do it. Even though I look at the man's body before I consider going out with him, I just feel icky thinking about a man judging my body. I know: issues.

[multicultcurly]

Ursula - you could always do a full body photo in front of a landmark or pretty background. That should make you more comfortable. Also, are you not photogenic? I ask because I am wondering why you don't look like your photos. I am not being snarky, just curious & sorry if I've asked this before.

[ursula]

Originally Posted by multicultcurly

Ursula - you could always do a full body photo in front of a landmark or pretty background. That should make you more comfortable. Also, are you not photogenic? I ask because I am wondering why you don't look like your photos. I am not being snarky, just curious & sorry if I've asked this before.

Not snarky at all! I definitely think I'm unphotogenic. I thought I wrote that in my last post, but I must have deleted that part. It's just hard to know for sure, because I'm not sure what people see when they look at pictures of me versus me in person. I know that I cringe when I see pictures of myself. I would say that I think I look ugly in about 95% of pictures. Who knows how much of that is accurate and how much is because of a mild body dysmorphic disorder?

I've logged on to OK Cupid a lot of times in the last 3 days, clicked on a lot of profiles, added a lot to my profile, and as a result got a lot of views. I got a few messages from not-great prospects (which is part of what prompted my post above) but just a few minutes ago I started corresponding with someone who seems OK. Again, doesn't seem like a perfect match, but whatever.

[multicultcurly]

Ursula - do you have an objective friend that you feel comfortable asking his or her opinion on your photos, as well as someone who could take photos of you? If you take a bunch there should at least be two that you like and better represent your looks.

[ursula]

Originally Posted by multicultcurly

Ursula - do you have an objective friend that you feel comfortable asking his or her opinion on your photos, as well as someone who could take photos of you? If you take a bunch there should at least be two that you like and better represent your looks.

I asked my sister to take pictures of me. Just waiting for her to send them to me.

Another thing I forgot to mention here, but I mentioned it upthread: I am very googleable and there are some unflattering pictures and videos of me online. So there's nothing I can do about that. That explains why many people disappear after a few messages back and forth, but it doesn't explain why I don't get as many initial replies or decent initial messages as I'd like.

Just yesterday someone else admitted that he'd found me online. Don't know if that was before or after our first date, but if it was before then it explains the "pleasantly surprised" remark.

I wish there was a way to remove information about yourself from the web. Then again, I do it too--after the first guy who admitted that he googled me, I googled him and found him easily just knowing his first name and where he went to grad school. And he didn't even have an unusual name; it was John.

[anonymous_103081]

One of my very close friends just got engaged last night. I feel awful because I'm jealous, and I am dreading her phone call (she's on vacation with her new fiancé and her family) when she returns. I'm also not looking forward to listening to her wedding plans for the next year, nor am I looking forward to attending the damn wedding. I know it's extremely petty, but I feel like I deserve a husband also.

[ursula]

Dear Online Dating Diary,

I sound like a broken record but I'm still hung up on the horrible guy from 2 months ago.

More reasons why he sucks:

• Wore the same lame shirt, like, every day.
• Casually mentioned to me once that his bank account was overdrawn
• Said some vicious things about his baby mama (who I have more and more sympathy for everyday)
• Amazing kisser but not amazing in bed (could have been the drinking)

I could go on (and on, and on...) but I'll stop there. Many things much worse than I mentioned. I don't know why he has this spell over me. Is it really just his unbelievable charm and physical attributes? Am I really that shallow??

This was all prompted by the fact that I noticed a couple of days ago that he is back on OK Cupid. And under "Drinks," he wrote "Socially." Dude, you're an alcoholic! "Socially" is the one thing you can't say when it comes to the way you drink. I wish there was a way to tag a person's profile to let women know "STAY AWAY!!!"

[spiderlashes5000]

Originally Posted by ursula

I asked my sister to take pictures of me. Just waiting for her to send them to me.

Another thing I forgot to mention here, but I mentioned it upthread: I am very googleable and there are some unflattering pictures and videos of me online. So there's nothing I can do about that. That explains why many people disappear after a few messages back and forth, but it doesn't explain why I don't get as many initial replies or decent initial messages as I'd like.

Just yesterday someone else admitted that he'd found me online. Don't know if that was before or after our first date, but if it was before then it explains the "pleasantly surprised" remark.

I wish there was a way to remove information about yourself from the web. Then again, I do it too--after the first guy who admitted that he googled me, I googled him and found him easily just knowing his first name and where he went to grad school. And he didn't even have an unusual name; it was John.

Can you just go by a nickname until you know the guys better? Like if your name is Omarosa...when you start emailing someone can you say, "Hi, Mike. I'm Rosa"?

Are you famous or a tv personality or something?
I think concealing those kinds of details until after the in-person meeting would be more than understandable. You need to protect your privacy, regardless of the pictures floating around.

I was just seeing a pretty well-known retired pro basketbal player for a couple of months, whom I'd met online. I am soooo not into sports, so I never would have known, except he mentioned thhat in his profile AND invited me to google his current business name to see who he is and what he does for a living now.

Well, I googled him (at his request) and also discovered that he struggled w/ a serious drug addiction for many years...and all that goes along w/ it. (And I saw some pretty unflattering pics of him, too!)

Did he want me to know that he is in recovery from an addiction?? (I bet he just knows "exprofessional bball player" is more attractive to most women than "recovering drug addict" is unattractive.)

All of this background info certainly didn't make me view him more favorably...but wasn't a dealbreaker for me either.

But eventually, issues stemming directly and indirectly from his addiction (and other issues) became too much for me to handle, and I let things fizzle.

I wonder if I hadn't discovered the addiction until after I'd gotten to know him, if I would have felt better about him...

I guess all that was to say...protect your privacy!

About the full body shot...it doesn't need to be revealing or close up. They (apparently) just want to see that you are not obese.

I don't have any full body shots of myself and as soon as I start emailing or texting or talking to guys on the phone, they IMMEDIATEY start asking for full body pics. It seems pretty damn important to a lot of them. I guess quite a few have been tricked into going out w/ overweight women who tried to conceal the fact they are overweight.

And recently, I went out on a date w/ a man who was (unbeknownst to me) very overweight. He had checked the "average build" option and posted only face shots of himself. I guess men do it, too.

(There's a mate for every sock, right? Why misrepresent yourself?)

[spiderlashes5000]

Originally Posted by ursula

Dear Online Dating Diary,

I sound like a broken record but I'm still hung up on the horrible guy from 2 months ago.

More reasons why he sucks:

• Wore the same lame shirt, like, every day.
• Casually mentioned to me once that his bank account was overdrawn
• Said some vicious things about his baby mama (who I have more and more sympathy for everyday)
• Amazing kisser but not amazing in bed (could have been the drinking)

I could go on (and on, and on...) but I'll stop there. Many things much worse than I mentioned. I don't know why he has this spell over me. Is it really just his unbelievable charm and physical attributes? Am I really that shallow??

This was all prompted by the fact that I noticed a couple of days ago that he is back on OK Cupid. And under "Drinks," he wrote "Socially." Dude, you're an alcoholic! "Socially" is the one thing you can't say when it comes to the way you drink. I wish there was a way to tag a person's profile to let women know "STAY AWAY!!!"

You'll forget all about him when you get into someone else. You'll forget about him even w/o meeting anyone else but meeting someone else will make it happen faster.

But yeah, sometimes these guys, even the wrong ones, make such an impression on us!

[GoddessCurls]

Originally Posted by CoCoLoCks

One of my very close friends just got engaged last night. I feel awful because I'm jealous, and I am dreading her phone call (she's on vacation with her new fiancé and her family) when she returns. I'm also not looking forward to listening to her wedding plans for the next year, nor am I looking forward to attending the damn wedding. I know it's extremely petty, but I feel like I deserve a husband also.

Aw honey, I can totally relate. I dread the day I have to deal with a friends wedding...especially since most OT friends are younger than me. It's really hard to stay positive, which I am trying to do...I think I am a natural pessimist. But now I do believe that we have quite a hand in our lives and what we experience thru our attitudes so I'm trying to be optimistic about stuff. It's hard like an addiction. Sometimes I get a twisted sort of pleasure from wallowing.


Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk

[ursula]

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Can you just go by a nickname until you know the guys better? Like if your name is Omarosa...when you start emailing someone can you say, "Hi, Mike. I'm Rosa"?

Are you famous or a tv personality or something?
I think concealing those kinds of details until after the in-person meeting would be more than understandable. You need to protect your privacy, regardless of the pictures floating around.

I was just seeing a pretty well-known retired pro basketbal player for a couple of months, whom I'd met online. I am soooo not into sports, so I never would have known, except he mentioned thhat in his profile AND invited me to google his current business name to see who he is and what he does for a living now.

Well, I googled him (at his request) and also discovered that he struggled w/ a serious drug addiction for many years...and all that goes along w/ it. (And I saw some pretty unflattering pics of him, too!)

Did he want me to know that he is in recovery from an addiction?? (I bet he just knows "exprofessional bball player" is more attractive to most women than "recovering drug addict" is unattractive.)

All of this background info certainly didn't make me view him more favorably...but wasn't a dealbreaker for me either.

But eventually, issues stemming directly and indirectly from his addiction (and other issues) became too much for me to handle, and I let things fizzle.

I wonder if I hadn't discovered the addiction until after I'd gotten to know him, if I would have felt better about him...

I guess all that was to say...protect your privacy!

About the full body shot...it doesn't need to be revealing or close up. They (apparently) just want to see that you are not obese.

I don't have any full body shots of myself and as soon as I start emailing or texting or talking to guys on the phone, they IMMEDIATEY start asking for full body pics. It seems pretty damn important to a lot of them. I guess quite a few have been tricked into going out w/ overweight women who tried to conceal the fact they are overweight.

And recently, I went out on a date w/ a man who was (unbeknownst to me) very overweight. He had checked the "average build" option and posted only face shots of himself. I guess men do it, too.

(There's a mate for every sock, right? Why misrepresent yourself?)

No, I'm not famous. But I guess I am in a line of work that puts me in the public eye more than others.

Interesting that the basketball player thought it would be a good idea for you to learn about him online!

[ursula]

Originally Posted by GoddessCurls

Aw honey, I can totally relate. I dread the day I have to deal with a friends wedding...especially since most OT friends are younger than me. It's really hard to stay positive, which I am trying to do...I think I am a natural pessimist. But now I do believe that we have quite a hand in our lives and what we experience thru our attitudes so I'm trying to be optimistic about stuff. It's hard like an addiction. Sometimes I get a twisted sort of pleasure from wallowing.


Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk

Me too. I just got invited yesterday to a casual wedding thing (the actual wedding is a small destination one & I don't know her well enough to be invited to that). Plus, she's pregnant. I might actually be more jealous about that than the wedding. For me, not having a child is starting to seem like a bigger absence in my life than not having a husband, although ideally I'd like both at the same time. I never thought I cared if I had a child or not, but maybe getting to the age where it's now or never is making it seem more like something I want.

[Josephine]

Originally Posted by ursula

Hmm, I should have listened. I went with my wedge sandals because I noticed I had some crazy tan lines on my feet that would have been visible if I had worn the flats. I didn't want him to notice them and think I purposely wore flats just because he was short. I know: I was overthinking it because I'm sure he never once looked at my feet!

Anyway, he really seemed to be 5' 5", but a short 5' 5". I don't know how to explain it--I feel like it's maybe his proportions? Like short arms and legs or something?

He texted to ask me out again and I agreed and he said he'd call to set up details. The date was like almost every date I've had. Warning: this might sound like bragging, so feel free to eye-roll, but there's a real issue that I need to deal with, I think:

1. He hinted that he was "pleasantly surprised."
2. He said he thought the date was going really well and that it was one of the best dates he's had.

I am apparently really good at first dates--everyone asks me on a second. Which is surprising because I'm really introverted. BUT, it is very hard for me to get the first date. I would say only one out of ten guys I message writes back, and the quality of guy who messages me is terrible. That, along with the fact that everyone seems "pleasantly surprised" and says I look better than my pictures, suggests to me that my profile sucks!

I remember Who Me?'s suggestions about improving profiles several pages back, but I thought I'd revisit this topic, if that's OK. More suggestions, please? What have you done to improve the chances of getting messages from the type of guy YOU want, as opposed to just making your profile generally appealing? I'm looking for suggestions both in terms of text and photos. I'm thinking there must be subtle things in my profile that are sending cues that I don't want sent. (I don't feel comfortable posting my profile here, by the way, so I'm hoping you guys can help me in the abstract.)

So did you like him? I'm guessing you did, but all you mentioned was how he felt about you.

And why should you have worn flats? Are you not into short men? If not, then why pursue? In my experience, short men usually don't have a problem with women being taller since they are used to it. It's usually the avg to taller dudes that do. Current guy I'm seeing is 5'8 and I almost always wear heels or wedges that put me at 5'10 - 6'0.

[envgirl]

Goddess, I met my ex at Ladder 15 on a night where it was jam packed with wall to wall men. No promises though, :-)
Ive been on 2 dates with a man that (of course) exaggerated his height on OKC by 2 inches. He's shorter than me when im in flats!!! Really not sure how I feel about it at this point. I like to wear heels dammit!

[anonymous_103081]

Originally Posted by GoddessCurls

Aw honey, I can totally relate. I dread the day I have to deal with a friends wedding...especially since most OT friends are younger than me. It's really hard to stay positive, which I am trying to do...I think I am a natural pessimist. But now I do believe that we have quite a hand in our lives and what we experience thru our attitudes so I'm trying to be optimistic about stuff. It's hard like an addiction. Sometimes I get a twisted sort of pleasure from wallowing.


Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk

I totally agree with that last sentence. It's like you'd rather sit in a dark room in your bed watching sappy romantic comedies *just* to feel bad. I really feel bad for already planning to avoid her calls next week And I really don't understand why it's depressing me so much, I mean it bothered me all night last night and all day today.

In other news, started talking to a guy on OKC...he's below the age limit I prefer, but seems to have his life together so I thought I'd at least talk to him (not like I have any other prospects). He's super cute, but doesn't go into any detail when answering my messages. I cannot stand that!!! You type a whole paragraph and they reply with a sentence...

Ursula, I completely get what you're saying too. I'm still hung up on a guy simply because I loved him, and he's nice to be seen with lol. But, he's the worlds largest douchebag so....yeah

[Narnia]

Dating is so frustrating!! I feel like I need to put on my army boots and a bullet proof vest before I leave the house.
Re-connected with someone on Facebook that I was set up with by a friend years ago. I wasn't over my ex at the time so it didn't go anywhere. Long story short, we were chatting back and forth, he gave me his number, he had been texting like crazy. We planned for a drink this week, he picked today. Hadn't heard from him by 830, so I messaged and said "I'm so glad we got around to that drink!" (yea, I can be like that). He said "sorry, long day."
I just said "have a great night"

Wtf?!


Sent from my "smart" phone, 'scuse crazy typos.