How do you find out about a guy's past?

I learned the hard way, that if he calls all his ex's psycho *****es, then he is probably the psycho. If he blames others for his mental, financial, physical problems then he may be a loser.

What do you feel you need to find out about him & why do you feel there may be something wrong with him?
Originally Posted by g-stringranny

Yeah his exes are all at fault for the break ups of course. He just acts a little strange. Like one time we were watching a movie where he lives. My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail. He seemed like he was getting quite upset about my phone and he did this weird head thing like he was about to click! He kinda cocked his head to the side for about 5 seconds. I was a little scared so I pretended like I didn't see him doing that. Then he got up quickly and opened the door to the basement and sat down really fast. I asked him what was up and he looked all bugeyed and asked 'What?' I then said that I was scared of him in a semi joke, but I was really serious. He perseverated on that the whole night after that point. He ended up crying on me when I was getting ready to go home because I said that I wasn't sure if we would work in a relationship. It was all really strange. He did share (previously) that he had some social issues because he was a latch key kid and spent most of his childhood alone while his mom worked 2 jobs. He seems to be very forthcoming with information. He shared that he has issues with his emotions where he will cry or scream at the top of his lungs when in privacy if he was going through something. His mom is very close to him and checks on him throughout the day.
Originally Posted by osocristie
Wooow. That actually made me shudder! Well if I were you I wouldn't worry about getting to know about his past, I would just be running... far far away. I personally can't deal with that kind of intensity, especially when I've got my own problems. I don't need anyone else's issues on top of that. He sounds like he needs some counseling.
I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail.
Originally Posted by osocristie
If I were the guy, there wouldn't have been any more dates after that unless there were a good reason for you to be so rude.


At the same time - with all you told us about him, no WAY I would have anything else to do with him. Dude sounds scary.
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!

Yeah his exes are all at fault for the break ups of course. He just acts a little strange. Like one time we were watching a movie where he lives. My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail. He seemed like he was getting quite upset about my phone and he did this weird head thing like he was about to click! He kinda cocked his head to the side for about 5 seconds. I was a little scared so I pretended like I didn't see him doing that. Then he got up quickly and opened the door to the basement and sat down really fast. I asked him what was up and he looked all bugeyed and asked 'What?' I then said that I was scared of him in a semi joke, but I was really serious. He perseverated on that the whole night after that point. He ended up crying on me when I was getting ready to go home because I said that I wasn't sure if we would work in a relationship. It was all really strange. He did share (previously) that he had some social issues because he was a latch key kid and spent most of his childhood alone while his mom worked 2 jobs. He seems to be very forthcoming with information. He shared that he has issues with his emotions where he will cry or scream at the top of his lungs when in privacy if he was going through something. His mom is very close to him and checks on him throughout the day.

I'd experienced something similar with a female friend of mine that came to visit me from Texas. Her mom called her at least 3 times a day. I couldn't understand why. When she left, I found out why when she accused me of starving her and her daughter and trying to kill them with my driving and more. I think she had some mental issues that I didn't know about being that we were long distance friends. We'd met in college and she seemed fine during that time.
Originally Posted by osocristie
based off of this, i dont think you even need to know his past. his present is telling you that something is not right. and if its not telling you, its definietly telling me! get out of this before things get crazier.
This guy sounds crazy...R U N ! ! !
Sounds like he has a lot of baggage. It's sad & I feel sorry for him, but he's a grown man & probably needs help that you can't give him. He needs to get his head on straight before he is in a relationship with anyone. Another thing I have learned is that you can't bring another person up to your level, they will only bring you down to their's. IMO, you need to just let go & hope that he gets help. Hopefully, his family will be there for him. If not, then this is even sadder, but don't think you alone can help him. He needs to realize he needs help & take the steps to get it.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
Sounds like he has a lot of baggage. It's sad & I feel sorry for him, but he's a grown man & probably needs help that you can't give him. He needs to get his head on straight before he is in a relationship with anyone. Another thing I have learned is that you can't bring another person up to your level, they will only bring you down to their's. IMO, you need to just let go & hope that he gets help. Hopefully, his family will be there for him. If not, then this is even sadder, but don't think you alone can help him. He needs to realize he needs help & take the steps to get it.
Originally Posted by g-stringranny
Excellent post!! Very insightful..ITA.
Case in point. My uncle married a woman about 5 years ago. My uncle has serious mental problems. My uncle was great at hiding his problems during the dating period. None of his siblings told the fiancee about his problems when they were dating. Now, my uncle's mental issues are taking a toll on the marriage. His wife is dealing with it. This is the stuff that I want to avoid.
Originally Posted by osocristie
If people pay attention to other's behaviors they can avoid this. Problem comes when people are not attentive or even worse, refuse to notice the signs for various reasons. Some people want to wait for someone to say something is wrong instead of following their instincts.

Watch, listen, and trust your instincts are all you need to do when interacting with people. People tell you everyday who they are. It is up to you to believe them.

If people learned from their past then their present and future will be good. If their baggage keeps making guest appearances in the person's present it will not be long before said baggage becomes the star of the show.

ETA: I agree with what g-stringranny and NetG wrote in this thread.

Last edited by iara; 08-18-2008 at 10:53 PM.
I agree with the others if you pay attention, you can pick up on stuff. Even people who are good at hiding their crazy slip or show it in minor ways from time to time.

I lived with a guy with serious mental illness, and in hindsight, the signs were there. He showed me everything in minor ways, just little hints, and after I moved in, he let it alllll out.
OSO, you've gotten some good advice here. Your instincts are telling you this guy has problems. You should trust your gut.

I have never regretted trusting my instincts, but whenever I didn't listen to "that little voice in my head" I have always been sorry!
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is this some kind of rhetorical question?
Yes, what alacurl said. If you have to ask this kind of question, you probably already know the answer.
osocristie
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Sounds like he has a lot of baggage. It's sad & I feel sorry for him, but he's a grown man & probably needs help that you can't give him. He needs to get his head on straight before he is in a relationship with anyone. Another thing I have learned is that you can't bring another person up to your level, they will only bring you down to their's. IMO, you need to just let go & hope that he gets help. Hopefully, his family will be there for him. If not, then this is even sadder, but don't think you alone can help him. He needs to realize he needs help & take the steps to get it.
Originally Posted by g-stringranny

Wow! That is insightful. I do feel like I can help him. I feel more sorry for him than I do in like with him. My good friend keeps on telling me that I should give him a chance. I don't want to completely dump him on the side of the road like his exes did, but that may be the reason they did so. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in his house when he is there alone. Geeze. That is why I wouldn't mind asking an ex (although it is not recommended) some simple questions.
Well its always hard to tell exactly how a situation is when you are reading about it/hearing it second hand. It could be nothing at all, but I would say that if he is creeping you out, or you feel nervous/uncomfortable around him (which from your posts it sounds like you are) then just walk away, trust your instincts.
I do feel like I can help him. I feel more sorry for him than I do in like with him.
Originally Posted by osocristie
Then you are not helping him at all. No one wants to be in a relationship because the other person feels sorry for them.
I do feel like I can help him. I feel more sorry for him than I do in like with him.
Originally Posted by osocristie
Then you are not helping him at all. No one wants to be in a relationship because the other person feels sorry for them.
Originally Posted by badgercurls
Then run far and fast away. Never date someone because you feel guilty or you feel sorry for them. It never works out.
Um, no. Listen to your instincts and what your intuition is telling you. You don't need to talk to his exes or his family. The boy ain't right. Or maybe he just isn't right for you. Regardless, he does not sound like good boyfriend material.

Further, no one should have to talk you into a relationship, and you certainly shouldn't feel obligated to stick with someone when all of these red flags are so glaringly obvious. Everything should be unicorns and rainbows at the beginning of a relationship. If you have concerns now, it's doubtful things will improve.
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No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
My good friend keeps on telling me that I should give him a chance.
Originally Posted by osocristie
What type of good friend would tell you to give him a chance after you have told her about his behavior?

As others have stated, listen to your instincts. If you are unsure, leave him be.
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
I do feel like I can help him. I feel more sorry for him than I do in like with him.
Originally Posted by osocristie
Then you are not helping him at all. No one wants to be in a relationship because the other person feels sorry for them.
Originally Posted by badgercurls
Then run far and fast away. Never date someone because you feel guilty or you feel sorry for them. It never works out.
Originally Posted by Amandacurls
ITA

My first thought NOOOOOOO Don't do that. The guy I mentioned above. When I finally decided it wasn't working, before I could break up, he had a "breakdown." I decided to stay with him until he recovered. I had no ill feelings towards him at that time, so I didn't want to leave him like that. It turned bad, then from bad to worse, and from worse to a nightmare! Next thing I know I'd been there for a year! He'd get better, then worse, then better, then worse over and over again. I'm not sure if it was real or if he was faking it to get me to stay, but either way he had some sort of mental illness to go that far. Finally I had to say enough is enough and left.

Some people are just so needy and toxic they will use their problems, or mental illness as a manipulation tool just to keep you around. And if he's not using it for that purpose, then it wouldn't be fair to him or yourself to stay when you don't like him that much.
osocristie
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Then you are not helping him at all. No one wants to be in a relationship because the other person feels sorry for them.
Originally Posted by badgercurls
Then run far and fast away. Never date someone because you feel guilty or you feel sorry for them. It never works out.
Originally Posted by Amandacurls
ITA

My first thought NOOOOOOO Don't do that. The guy I mentioned above. When I finally decided it wasn't working, before I could break up, he had a "breakdown." I decided to stay with him until he recovered. I had no ill feelings towards him at that time, so I didn't want to leave him like that. It turned bad, then from bad to worse, and from worse to a nightmare! Next thing I know I'd been there for a year! He'd get better, then worse, then better, then worse over and over again. I'm not sure if it was real or if he was faking it to get me to stay, but either way he had some sort of mental illness to go that far. Finally I had to say enough is enough and left.

Some people are just so needy and toxic they will use their problems, or mental illness as a manipulation tool just to keep you around. And if he's not using it for that purpose, then it wouldn't be fair to him or yourself to stay when you don't like him that much.
Originally Posted by cympreni

Wow. Good advice especailly simce you have dealt with this kind of situation b4. Thanks.

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