How do you find out about a guy's past?

osocristie
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Do you ask his ex?
His family?
Do you start from scratch and pray that he is sane?
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Do you ask his ex?
His family?
Do you start from scratch and pray that he is sane?
Originally Posted by osocristie
If a guy started asking the above named people questions about me, I'd run away. And label him nuts.
Fat does not make you fat. It's actually pretty important.
Listen. People tell you a lot of about themselves if you just pay attention.

I would NOT ask his family and exes unless you already have some sort of relationship with them. In which case, why would you have to ask?
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Same way you find out about a friend's past. During the normal course of conversation you have when you're getting to know each other.
I wouldn't go around asking a whole rack of people about anyone's past. Makes it seem like you're up to something.

If it's truly that serious, just ask the guy all the questions you want answered. If he doesn't want to answer them, then obviously he thinks it's none of your business.
I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
Is there a reason you need to know about his past? I wouldn't go trying to dig around unless I had a reason.
listen and wait. i wouldn't ask anyone else about him. if i'm afraid there's something he's not telling me, i probably wouldn't be in it for the long term.
Do you ask his ex?
His family?
Do you start from scratch and pray that he is sane?
Originally Posted by osocristie
Judge a person's present behavior not his past behavior.
Personally, there is no other option for me other than just asking him, and then only during a normal conversation. IMO, asking his ex is pretty immature and definitely not the best source for information.
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I think a person's past is very important to know, especially if this is someone you're getting romatically involved with. The past often predicts the future. It lets you know what sort of person they are. As the saying goes: those who refuse to learn from the past, are doomed to repeat it.

Ask him, and listen to what he says. If he has discrepancies in his past, then ask him to clarify. If it still doesn't make sense to you, or you think he's lying, then I'd dump him. I wouldn't bother trying to get info from other sources, like family or ex-girlfriends. They will all have their own agenda and their best interests in mind, not yours.
I think with anyone you get to know, whether a friend, dating partner, co-worker etc. their past, and what kind of person they are, should come out gradually during conversation and the development of a relationship with them. It should never be necessary to go behind their back to their exes or family members - and that wouldn't even necessarily give you the truth you're looking for anyway. If you feel enough of a lack of trust that you want to go digging in someone's past beyond what they tell or show you, I would see either you have trust issues or you have an instinct that the person is not trustworthy, in which case you shouldn't pursue a relationship with them.
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I think a person's past is very important to know, especially if this is someone you're getting romatically involved with. The past often predicts the future. It lets you know what sort of person they are. As the saying goes: those who refuse to learn from the past, are doomed to repeat it.

Ask him, and listen to what he says. If he has discrepancies in his past, then ask him to clarify. If it still doesn't make sense to you, or you think he's lying, then I'd dump him. I wouldn't bother trying to get info from other sources, like family or ex-girlfriends. They will all have their own agenda and their best interests in mind, not yours.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
ITA.
osocristie
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Case in point. My uncle married a woman about 5 years ago. My uncle has serious mental problems. My uncle was great at hiding his problems during the dating period. None of his siblings told the fiancee about his problems when they were dating. Now, my uncle's mental issues are taking a toll on the marriage. His wife is dealing with it. This is the stuff that I want to avoid.
Ask him, and listen on several levels. Do a background check.

My uncle has serious mental problems.
How did he hide that? If he was on meds, as they became intimate and shared space, the woman would have known it.
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Last edited by Suburbanbushbabe; 08-18-2008 at 08:14 PM.
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,530
I read about something like that in Dear Abby or Ask Margot. Frightening.
I learned the hard way, that if he calls all his ex's psycho *****es, then he is probably the psycho. If he blames others for his mental, financial, physical problems then he may be a loser.

What do you feel you need to find out about him & why do you feel there may be something wrong with him?
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osocristie
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I learned the hard way, that if he calls all his ex's psycho *****es, then he is probably the psycho. If he blames others for his mental, financial, physical problems then he may be a loser.

What do you feel you need to find out about him & why do you feel there may be something wrong with him?
Originally Posted by g-stringranny

Yeah his exes are all at fault for the break ups of course. He just acts a little strange. Like one time we were watching a movie where he lives. My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail. He seemed like he was getting quite upset about my phone and he did this weird head thing like he was about to click! He kinda cocked his head to the side for about 5 seconds. I was a little scared so I pretended like I didn't see him doing that. Then he got up quickly and opened the door to the basement and sat down really fast. I asked him what was up and he looked all bugeyed and asked 'What?' I then said that I was scared of him in a semi joke, but I was really serious. He perseverated on that the whole night after that point. He ended up crying on me when I was getting ready to go home because I said that I wasn't sure if we would work in a relationship. It was all really strange. He did share (previously) that he had some social issues because he was a latch key kid and spent most of his childhood alone while his mom worked 2 jobs. He seems to be very forthcoming with information. He shared that he has issues with his emotions where he will cry or scream at the top of his lungs when in privacy if he was going through something. His mom is very close to him and checks on him throughout the day.

I'd experienced something similar with a female friend of mine that came to visit me from Texas. Her mom called her at least 3 times a day. I couldn't understand why. When she left, I found out why when she accused me of starving her and her daughter and trying to kill them with my driving and more. I think she had some mental issues that I didn't know about being that we were long distance friends. We'd met in college and she seemed fine during that time.
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