Need opinions on my friend's behavior... kind of long.

You guys know we just had a stillborn and buried him last week. A friend of mine of 25 years did not make it to Gabriel's funeral but she drove in Friday night to visit and I assumed to give some support in my grieving. Well, she said they would leave Friday when her kids got out of school and at 8:45 I called her and they were still an hour away. Its a 3 hour drive. She had her kids and her mother with her by the way. She said in the morning they were going to eat breakfast and go swimming??? I felt like she was viewing this as a small vacation right. They get here at noon and at 1:30 says they have to go back home, 30 minutes after I fed everybody lunch. My husband (who she's never met) was basically on his way from home. I asked her to wait to at least meet him and she insisted they have to go. WTH? They drove all this way, stayed an hour and a half, packed up and left.

I know its no fun around here right now but was I supposed to be entertaining?
Maybe your friend realized that bringing the circus to your house wasn't the best idea and was embarrased? Or maybe she realized she couldn't handle the situation - some people just don't handle grief very well? You've know her for 25 years has she been this flakey in the past?
Y'know what... Something just jumped out at me, for some reason. There could be something going on with her in regards to your situation that is making her act this way. I'm telling you, when people act completely out of character and seem un-caring when they would normally be overflowing with tenderness... something is usually wrong. (USUALLY, certainly not always..but there is a good chance.) She may be throwing walls up. It would explain why she wants to hurry up and leave. Maybe she thought she could deal with her emotions by being distant but it's not working and she just HAD to get out of there. Maybe there is something in her past.You just really never know. As I was reading this, that is really just the first thing that jumped out at me..."something is going on with this woman". I'm not making excuses for her behavior, but I just thought I'd share my first instinct.

The way she acted is completely inappropriate, imo. To be a friend of 25 years.. and to act so nonchalant...something doesn't seem right. OR she could just have no social graces. That's possible, too.

(((( hugs ))))) I'm sorry your friend dissapointed you.
I hope you're doing ok. I've been thinking about you.
Healing Women - Please help.
Though I think she was rude to act the way she did, she probably felt like she had to balance seeing you with entertaining her three children, who probably had no interest in attending a funeral. I don't understand why she brought her mother, or why she couldn't have just left the kids at home.
Though I think she was rude to act the way she did, she probably felt like she had to balance seeing you with entertaining her three children, who probably had no interest in attending a funeral. I don't understand why she brought her mother, or why she couldn't have just left the kids at home.
Originally Posted by tantrum
True. That's a very good possibility.
Healing Women - Please help.
Though I think she was rude to act the way she did, she probably felt like she had to balance seeing you with entertaining her three children, who probably had no interest in attending a funeral. I don't understand why she brought her mother, or why she couldn't have just left the kids at home.
Originally Posted by tantrum
My 5 kids were here playing with her kids. They were all outside playing on the swingset and fooling around with my dogs. I really don't know. I was upset at first she didn't come to the funeral but I decided to let that go. She couldn't leave the kids at home because her husband is a jerk and will never watch them. Its just so strange. She has been flaky in the past btw...
Y'know what... Something just jumped out at me, for some reason. There could be something going on with her in regards to your situation that is making her act this way. I'm telling you, when people act completely out of character and seem un-caring when they would normally be overflowing with tenderness... something is usually wrong. (USUALLY, certainly not always..but there is a good chance.) She may be throwing walls up. It would explain why she wants to hurry up and leave. Maybe she thought she could deal with her emotions by being distant but it's not working and she just HAD to get out of there. Maybe there is something in her past.You just really never know. As I was reading this, that is really just the first thing that jumped out at me..."something is going on with this woman". I'm not making excuses for her behavior, but I just thought I'd share my first instinct.

The way she acted is completely inappropriate, imo. To be a friend of 25 years.. and to act so nonchalant...something doesn't seem right. OR she could just have no social graces. That's possible, too.

(((( hugs ))))) I'm sorry your friend dissapointed you.
I hope you're doing ok. I've been thinking about you.
Originally Posted by yagottaloveyacurls
Was thinking the same thing...
So many people are uncomfortable with grief or being around others who are grieving. Maybe she didn't know what to say or she was worried about upsetting you even more. I'm sorry though, Ivy. You shouldn't have to wonder about this right now.

You've been in my thoughts every since your initial post. As a mother, my heart breaks for you and your family whenever I think about little Gabriel.
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No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
Agreed with the uncomfortable around grief thing. I have been known to say or do weird things because I don't know how to act. I want to show someone that I am there for them, but at the same time, once I get there, I don't know what I should do. This perhaps was an EXTREME version of that.

Maybe she wanted to act as if nothing happened to not make you anymore upset? Sometimes people don't know whether to show grief to the person grieving for fear that it will make things worse.

I've been gone for a while, so this is the first I've heard of your loss. I'm so sorry.
Some people are more awkward with consoling than others. It sounds like she wanted to do something, but then felt overwhelmed. Flowers or a letter may have been better for you both.

Although I was a bit confused about the swimming part. but, possibly, she's never had anyone lose a child this way and feels out of her element. Wait a few weeks or months to talk to her about, but only if you feel up to it.

Blessings to you and your family.
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((Hugs))

Since you stated that her husband is a jerk, perhaps he told her that she needed to be home by a certain time. And she brought her mother to 'watch' her, per her husband's request or she didn't want to make the 3 hour drive alone with the three kids.

I am amazed in all of the years that you two have known each other, she hasn't met your husband. Timing has just been off?
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
[quote=Windflower;694732]((Hugs))

Since you stated that her husband is a jerk, perhaps he told her that she needed to be home by a certain time. And she brought her mother to 'watch' her, per her husband's request or she didn't want to make the 3 hour drive alone with the three kids.

I am amazed in all of the years that you two have known each other, she hasn't met your husband. Timing has just been off?[/quote]

I guess. I've been in Columbus 14 years and she's only been here twice to visit. DH and I have only been together 6 years. Mostly I go to Indy and visit her and some family I still have there.
((Hugs))

Since you stated that her husband is a jerk, perhaps he told her that she needed to be home by a certain time. And she brought her mother to 'watch' her, per her husband's request or she didn't want to make the 3 hour drive alone with the three kids.

I am amazed in all of the years that you two have known each other, she hasn't met your husband. Timing has just been off?
Originally Posted by Windflower
I guess. I've been in Columbus 14 years and she's only been here twice to visit. DH and I have only been together 6 years. Mostly I go to Indy and visit her and some family I still have there.
Originally Posted by poisonivy
Oh... I understand. I have a few friends such as that...I am the one who is always doing the visiting. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing it...
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
((Hugs))

Since you stated that her husband is a jerk, perhaps he told her that she needed to be home by a certain time. And she brought her mother to 'watch' her, per her husband's request or she didn't want to make the 3 hour drive alone with the three kids.

I am amazed in all of the years that you two have known each other, she hasn't met your husband. Timing has just been off?
Originally Posted by Windflower
I guess. I've been in Columbus 14 years and she's only been here twice to visit. DH and I have only been together 6 years. Mostly I go to Indy and visit her and some family I still have there.
Originally Posted by poisonivy
Oh... I understand. I have a few friends such as that...I am the one who is always doing the visiting. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing it...
Originally Posted by Windflower
I know exactly how you feel.

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