telling someone how you feel...

this is sort of related to the forgiveness thread...but it's about sharing your feelings and healing and getting over it when another person has hurt you


when you are hurt or feel wronged by someone do you feel it's cathartic/helpful to tell the person how you feel?

does it do more harm than good (for you)? does it depend?

any regrets sharing your hurt feelings?

do you have a right to tell them how you feel or not really?

when is telling how you feel worse than just processing it and releasing it within yourself?

i know some people write letters they never send and some journal. are these methods helpful? what other things do you suggest to release feelings you have about a person that has hurt you?

does it matter if the relationship has completely ended versus one that will continue on such as with a family member?

any other thoughts welcomed....
a dreamy pisces
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when you are hurt or feel wronged by someone do you feel it's cathartic/helpful to tell the person how you feel?

Yes I did.

does it do more harm than good (for you)? does it depend?

I'd say it depends on what your expectations of the outcome are. If you expect a person to just automatically say your right, I was wrong, then in some cases you might be in for a big disappointment. But otherwise, IME it did good.

any regrets sharing your hurt feelings?

only that I didn't do it sooner.

do you have a right to tell them how you feel or not really?

yes.

when is telling how you feel worse than just processing it and releasing it within yourself?

See above answer about if it did good. Part of the healing process is admitting you were hurt and acknowledging your pain. How you choose to tell it (to them, yourself, journal, letter etc), is completely dependant on you and what you need.

i know some people write letters they never send and some journal. are these methods helpful? what other things do you suggest to release feelings you have about a person that has hurt you?

Yes those are helpful too, especially if you don't want to actually confront the person for whatever reason. The other method I like to use is fantasy. I imagine having a confrontation with them, sometimes I let them say what I know they probably would, other times what I wish to hear. Also I guess you can say I have an imaginary friend I talk to when I just want to talk. He listens patiently sometimes to the same stories over and over again, and always says what I need to hear.

does it matter if the relationship has completely ended versus one that will continue on such as with a family member?

I don't know, I guess it would depend on the issue, and how it is resolved. In my case it was with a family member, but that was also the end of our relationship.

any other thoughts welcomed....

If your going to do an actual confrontation. Then try to plan it. Plan what you want to say, how you want to say it. Try to be as calm as possible, staying on point. And don't expect it to magically fix a relationship. See it as only a way for you to move on.

If want to do the other methods like journals etc, then do it as many times as you need. You can't heal until it's processed and you get it out of your system. If you think it's taking up too much of your thoughts or time. Then set yourself a time limit. You could do a free-writing exercise and say I'll write for 20 minutes then no matter what, I stop, put it down and walk away, physically, mentally, and emotionally until the next time. Free-writing is an excellent method of getting things out of your system.
when you are hurt or feel wronged by someone do you feel it's cathartic/helpful to tell the person how you feel?

For me, that sort of depends on what the person did and what the basis for my feeling hurt is. I try to reflect on myself before I drag other people into my feelings: Am I feeling the way I am because I'm insecure in some way, or did they legitimately do something wrong? Also, is this a person I want to cultivate or continue a good relationship with? If it's not someone I care about deeply than it's more likely I'll just let them be an a55.
does it do more harm than good (for you)? does it depend?

In the short run, for me, it's more harmful. If I'm dealing with someone I care about, and who cares about me, telling them that they've hurt my feelings will likely make them feel bad. Making someone I love feel bad makes me feel bad, so yeah, that sucks. BUT in the long run the relationship is stronger and the crappy stuff doesn't happen as often.

any regrets sharing your hurt feelings?

Only when I've made an effort to repair a relationship with someone who ended up not feeling the same way. It's embarrassing and disappointing to go to someone with the intent of fixing a problem and being told essentially to buzz off.

do you have a right to tell them how you feel or not really?

Depends on the relationship.

when is telling how you feel worse than just processing it and releasing it within yourself?

Well, that sort of depends on the possibility of the offensive behavior continuing. There's a new guy at work who'd taken to calling me Darling. I farking HATE that. It makes me livid. He doesn't know me well enough to call me pet names, and if he DID he'd know I hate that shiit. I, as you say, processed it and let it go a few times, but when it became apparent I was going to have to continue dealing with him and that he wasn't going to miraculously stop out of the blue, I told him to stop. I had every right to correct his behavior.

i know some people write letters they never send and some journal. are these methods helpful? what other things do you suggest to release feelings you have about a person that has hurt you?

I do this, sometimes. I don't usually use it to this particular end, though. I'll write other things that get lodged in my brain, but disdain for people who've done something to piss me off usually just gets funneled into road rage fodder.

does it matter if the relationship has completely ended versus one that will continue on such as with a family member?

Absolutely. If a temp at work pisses me off, I'm not going to talk to them about it (and not going to care as much), I'm just going to wait for their inevitable going away. But if my husband pisses me off, it's going to matte more to me, and since our relationship is of such value to me, I'm going to say Listen, this upset me, can we talk about it. I'd never approach someone at work like that. Someone at work wouldn't care enough to work on their behavior for the benefit of our relationship. My husband does.

any other thoughts welcomed....

You absolutely have to pick your battles. You also have to take an honest look at what kind of things you're getting upset about. Are they your issues? Because you can't go around taking your own issues out on other people. Mostly, they won't care.
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when you are hurt or feel wronged by someone do you feel it's cathartic/helpful to tell the person how you feel?

Yes, when I can do it without tears or anger.

does it do more harm than good (for you)? does it depend?

It does more good. Those feelings aren’t healthy to hold in.

any regrets sharing your hurt feelings?

Sometimes. I wish I could just suck some stuff up and go on but I cannot.

do you have a right to tell them how you feel or not really?

Yes, you have the right. Everyone has a right to express their feelings. And everyone has a right not to react to those feelings if they chose not to.

when is telling how you feel worse than just processing it and releasing it within yourself?

When it is uncalled for or causes more harm then good – losing a friendship over something that isn’t a habitual thing and such as that.

i know some people write letters they never send and some journal. are these methods helpful? what other things do you suggest to release feelings you have about a person that has hurt you?

I talk things out as if they were actually there. Sometimes being able to verbalize is enough.

does it matter if the relationship has completely ended versus one that will continue on such as with a family member?

It can make a difference to have complete closure no matter what the status of the relationship.

any other thoughts welcomed....

None right now.
thanks to all of you!!

i concisely and without anger or blame told my ex-bf how i felt (via e-mail)....i first told him about the baby, what happened with the delivery and that it was a boy. i then felt compelled to tell him about how deeply hurt i was that he wasn't there when i had to deliver the baby after i lost him, that he never called to find out about me or what happened to the baby and that over a week after everything he still hadn't called....i told him that i didn't want or need a response.

i'm just hurting so bad and i'm upset that he's so indifferent. it was his baby too, just days before he was professing his love. i KNOW there were issues but i just had to tell him i hurt. it probably won't make a difference. he probably doesn't care but i wanted to tell him about the baby so that he could deal with the reality and know how i felt.

well i told my mother i sent the e-mail. she was very upset, said is should be happy he's not around. well she was "sad" around the house and told my dad i sent the e-mail. he was out of the house and called me from his cell and told me that i upset my mother and i should just leave the guy alone and that he doesn't care anything about me and i need to just get over it....just great. not only do i have to deal with my pain but now i have to deal with making sure my mother isn't upset because i do what i think i need to do for healing. i'm not going to talk to him on a regular basis. i know the situation was bad but it's only been 2 weeks and i'm still hurting. i'm trying to do the best i can. i think i'm doing good considering....but i'm probably not doing everything right. i really do feel like i'm done. i told him about the baby (even though he didn't seem to care) and i told him that i was hurting (because i am)...there's nothing more to say to him really but i had to get it out and i didn't want to wait any longer....
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please recycle, it matters...
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Last edited by luvmylocs; 08-28-2008 at 09:20 PM.
I found it ver cathatic to lay out my feelings. In both cases it gave the guys a chance to show their whole ass for me to see in all its glory. It really left no doubt that its over.

I think its right to tell someone your final thoughts. The reason he hasn't contacted you is because he knows he messed up and can't deal with it. I think your email reminding him of the reality of it like you said is very good.

I also understand your parents feeling too. He hurt you deeply and no parent wants their child to seek answers from someone so mean.
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Just wanted to send a (((hug))) your way, luvmylocs.
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I'm sure you understand that what has happened to you has affected both your parents, also. They aren't thinking clearly. They are hurting themselves & are afraid that you may try to get back with your ex. They know he isn't right for you, especially since he wasn't with you thru all of this. They probably think that since you emailed him you are hoping that he will come around & you 2 can get back together. You need to reassure them this isn't going to happen & you just needed some closure. Also, let them know how much you need them right now. ((HUGS))
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(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

Being able to name your pain, being able to do so is powerful. It takes a lot of bravery to confront it. A lot of people don't have that courage. Everyone's path to healing is different. Some people don't need to confront the person, others do. It's understandable that your parents are upset, they are probably just worried that he'll make it worse and they just want to protect you.

But you need to do what is right for you. Let your emotions run their course. Feel them, because no matter how much it hurts, not feeling them is much worse. And very importantly, don't forget to take care and nurture yourself. Light and darkness cannot exist at the same place in the same time. Those breaks will give you the strength you need to keep going.

And most importantly, believe in yourself. Trust yourself. You have more strength then you know. The mind and heart have tremendous capacity for healing. There is no wrong way to heal. You instinctively know what you need to do, even when the path is not clear to you. Just trust that you are doing what you need to do right now. As long as you keep your destination in mind, your heart will take you where you need to go.
when you are hurt or feel wronged by someone do you feel it's cathartic/helpful to tell the person how you feel?
Sometimes.I think it depends on who/the situation and all. If it's something that really hurts versus something can move past on my own.
does it do more harm than good (for you)? does it depend?
The times I DO mention, it helps for me to at least get it off of my chest.

any regrets sharing your hurt feelings?
Occasionally. If that's the case, I usually say, "Well, I shouldn't have said that, what I meant was..." and try to expand on it a little more.

do you have a right to tell them how you feel or not really?
Yes. I can express my feelings all I want, but that doesn't mean that they have to react to them, or they have to apologize, or whatever. I tell people how I feel and try not to expect anything in return.

when is telling how you feel worse than just processing it and releasing it within yourself?
It depends, I think this is a tough question to answer, it's so ambiguous.

i know some people write letters they never send and some journal. are these methods helpful? what other things do you suggest to release feelings you have about a person that has hurt you?
Yes. I used to write letters to people and then keep them, or burn them. Depending on if I just needed to vent, and then burn them when I was done, or past my feelings.

does it matter if the relationship has completely ended versus one that will continue on such as with a family member?
Does it matter if I tell my feelings to a ended relationship? Not really. It's ended. If I am no longer friends with a person, or we don't talk anymore, it's kind of pointless. In this case, I might do the letter writing thing.
With family, I am more apt to tell them how I feel in certain instances, and in others just let it go. It depends on if I can all ready gauge their reaction to what I am going to say - if I know they are going to get all defensive, or not understand, I just don't say anything.
when you are hurt or feel wronged by someone do you feel it's cathartic/helpful to tell the person how you feel?

Yes, I think it does good for both types of people who hurt you, those that do it intentionally and those that do it unintentionally.

does it do more harm than good (for you)? does it depend?

I guess it depends on how you look at it. I feel that by saying something, you get it of your chest, and you at least stuck up for yourself and let them know the behavior is unacceptable. IMO if someone gets super defensive or tries to turn it back on me, I know they know it was wrong, but they don't want to be called on it. If I'm being honest with someone about my feelings and they can't handle it, maybe I don't need that person in my life.

any regrets sharing your hurt feelings?

None, really. The ones who took it badly and acted all booty hurt turned out to be not that good of friends and I drifted from them.

do you have a right to tell them how you feel or not really?

I think everyone has a right to express how something makes them feel. If you're not allowed to have or express feelings, what's really the point of having them. If you have to mask your feelings around people because it might offend them, then maybe you need to be around different people. Everyone has rights to their feelings, and it's very oppressive IMO to say you don't.


when is telling how you feel worse than just processing it and releasing it within yourself?

It might be worse for the relationship if you say something, rather than trying to blow it off, but IMO in the long run there is only so much you can do before you blow up on someone. It's much better to say something than let it fester.



i know some people write letters they never send and some journal. are these methods helpful? what other things do you suggest to release feelings you have about a person that has hurt you?

I think it is, if you never have a chance to talk about it with that person. I also think if it's someone that you fear their reaction, write the letter and send it. I know this makes me sound all combatant, and I'm really not trying to, I just think it's unhealthy to let things build and in any healthy relationship you should be able to express your feelings.

does it matter if the relationship has completely ended versus one that will continue on such as with a family member?

Maybe the way it is gone about should be different. If you want to save the relationship, or know it can't be severed, approach it differently than you would someone you want to end a relationship with, or if the relationship has already ended. I will usually be a little more sassy with someone that I don't care what the relationship is afterwards. If it's someone that I am related to or friends with my approach is 180 degrees different. I try to approach it with family and friends like I know they didn't intend to do it, and giving them the benefit of the doubt. With a select few people, I could care less and will lay it all out there.
thanks all....
a dreamy pisces
please recycle, it matters...
i change lives...through fitness
i'm more relaxed being natural

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