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Old 08-29-2008, 10:51 AM   #41
 
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NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM THINKING LIKE THIS. Period.
This is true. Even if it never becomes a full-blown eating disorder.

If your daughter's health is affected, or it becomes apparent that disordered eating (such as binging) is behind her weight gain, then someone who cares about her should step in. However, if that happens, it might be better for everyone involved if another relative took care of it. (I'm just going by what's been posted on this site. I don't mean to be presumptuous or act like I know you well, Frau.)
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Old 08-29-2008, 10:53 AM   #42
 
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Not everyone can be a size 8, and it's probably a bit insulting to all the normal size 14's out there that you find it so disgusting that anyone could be that size.
oh my! i don't mean that at all! i see fit women all the time that size. they are gorgeous, they play on the school soccer team. i think i see it more as her not being disciplined and not caring....oh, well nevermind. i just needed to say it somehow. sorry...
maybe she's not disciplined with her weight? not every woman walks a tightrope of what she can and can't eat, or can and can't do. she is not you!!!!

but i think if you can get to the WHY this bothers you, like it seems you're beginning to, then you might get some mileage out of this discussion.

i'm sure your disappointment shows without a word being said. a lot of women fill out in their early 20s. double digit sizes are soooo not the end of the world.
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Old 08-29-2008, 10:54 AM   #43
 
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I was short, built like my German grandmother, with frizzy/curly ash brown hair and hazel eyes. Oh, and TONS of freckles on alabaster white skin. Oh yeah, I tried for years to be like her, wreaked much havoc on my body and my brain, and sometimes it still hurts. I am 32...I should totally be over this by now.
I saw your picture and I think you and your hair are beautiful.

No look or size holds a monopoly on beauty although some may want you to think that.

Speaking of my own issues, I have been thin and fit my whole life but I have an irrational fear of gaining weight. It comes from my father saying that women who are larger are unattractive. He did not even say it directly to me and it affected me. I do not starve myself but I do stop myself from overeating because I am afraid of becoming unattractive. I do not want to pass this on to my future children...
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Old 08-29-2008, 10:57 AM   #44
 
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Frau, I think you should read the following two posts and really try to let it sink in. Nothing YOU do is going to help, it's just going to harm. Let her be.

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I couldn't agree more. This is YOUR problem, and not hers.

I had a grandmother like this, and I was made victim to the same thought process and criticism. Thin at all costs. Have willpower. Self control. Care about your figure. Well, I got some willpower, and boy, did I learn to care. And I have lifelong health issues to show for it, since my body didn't react well to starving so I could please her. But hey, I had willpower and self control. And at least now my heart meds work... most of the time.

Did I mention the rest of my family often overate to spite her? Starving, emotional overeating... NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM THINKING LIKE THIS. Period.

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Totally, and yes, although I deleted that portion of your post, it DOES stay with you for a LONG time.

My mom was model thin with blue eyes and blonde hair.

I was short, built like my German grandmother, with frizzy/curly ash brown hair and hazel eyes. Oh, and TONS of freckles on alabaster white skin. Oh yeah, I tried for years to be like her, wreaked much havoc on my body and my brain, and sometimes it still hurts. I am 32...I should totally be over this by now.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:01 AM   #45
 
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Originally Posted by Eilonwy View Post
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Originally Posted by Befrizzled View Post
NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM THINKING LIKE THIS. Period.
This is true. Even if it never becomes a full-blown eating disorder.

If your daughter's health is affected, or it becomes apparent that disordered eating (such as binging) is behind her weight gain, then someone who cares about her should step in. However, if that happens, it might be better for everyone involved if another relative took care of it. (I'm just going by what's been posted on this site. I don't mean to be presumptuous or act like I know you well, Frau.)
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:02 AM   #46
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Frau, it sounds like it's got nothing to do with the weight or the numbers. I'd seriously suggest talking to a therapist to help you with any issues you might be struggling with. Projecting them onto your daughter isn't going to help her or you. I wish you luck with this!
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:06 AM   #47
 
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I don't know what other comments she posted about her daughter, but what's so wrong about her being concerned with her daughter's weight?

Gaining a lot of weight within a short period of time is cause for alarm. And everyone's posting, "If she's healthy and happy then..."

Well how do we she's healthy and happy? Has Frau discussed her concern with her daughter and posted it on NC?

My mother responded to my own weight gain (from 111lbs to a little over 200lbs in only 1.5 years) the same way. She was disappointed and concerned and hell yea, it made me sad but I realized she was only concerned because she loved me. Sorry, but I don't see what's wrong with that.

However, I do understand that they WAY you posted it is more than disconcerting, Frau. Why didn't you just come out and say how you felt about it, instead of posting a cryptic statement that only a few understood??
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:10 AM   #48
 
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I don't know what other comments she posted about her daughter, but what's so wrong about her being concerned with her daughter's weight?
Um, you just answered your own question. You don't know what else she's posted, whereas the rest of us do...therefore we kind of know what this is about. It's not "concern" about her daughter's weight. AT. ALL.

Frau, get help. That is all. Good luck.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:11 AM   #49
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midgi
Gaining a lot of weight within a short period of time is cause for alarm.
This is true. At my height, size 8 to 14 would be a very significant weight gain, and would indicate a change from a low-risk weight to obesity. And just plain gaining (or losing) that much weight so quickly isn't good for your health.


However...
Quote:
Originally Posted by midgi View Post
I don't know what other comments she posted about her daughter, but what's so wrong about her being concerned with her daughter's weight?
If you had read the other comments, then you'd know why many posters here are concerned about the situation based on frau's portrayal of it here.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:13 AM   #50
 
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Um, you just answered your own question. You don't know what else she's posted, whereas the rest of us do...therefore we kind of know what this is about. It's not "concern" about her daughter's weight. AT. ALL.

Frau, get help. That is all. Good luck.
Oh all right then. If that's the case then I'll just "shut up" now because clearly I'm not in on it.

BS.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:18 AM   #51
 
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Originally Posted by midgi View Post
I don't know what other comments she posted about her daughter, but what's so wrong about her being concerned with her daughter's weight?

Gaining a lot of weight within a short period of time is cause for alarm. And everyone's posting, "If she's healthy and happy then..."

Well how do we she's healthy and happy? Has Frau discussed her concern with her daughter and posted it on NC?

My mother responded to my own weight gain (from 111lbs to a little over 200lbs in only 1.5 years) the same way. She was disappointed and concerned and hell yea, it made me sad but I realized she was only concerned because she loved me. Sorry, but I don't see what's wrong with that.

However, I do understand that they WAY you posted it is more than disconcerting, Frau. Why didn't you just come out and say how you felt about it, instead of posting a cryptic statement that only a few understood??
I agree, and it is natural for a mother to be concerned for her child, even an adult one. I think the difference here is that Frau has either an eating disorder or a borderline one, and there is some fear that she may be projecting that or instilling that in her daughter.

My advice FRAU is to focus on what is healthy for your daughter. If she can be healthy at a larger weight then it might be ok. Is she cardiovascularly fit? Can she walk up 5 flights of steps without wanting to pass out? Touch her toes? Have basic flexibilty and strength? If she can, then the extra weight is probably not doing much damage to her health (although she should have cholesterol and other things checked, maybe thyroid too).

I put on an unneeded, unflattering and not-good-for-my heatlh 40 lbs over the course of 5 years. It looked ok but not me at my best. My family and close friends loved me enough not to harp on it or to make me feel bad about it. And I was able to date and feel sexually desired at that larger weight. But I look better and feel better without the extra 40 lbs. I think that the person carrying excess weight has to do their own self analysis on whether they like the extra weight or not, whether it might be damaging their health or not and whether they want to live in a larger body or a smaller one.

Frau - Please just try to disassociate and disentangle your images with your own body and weight from your daughter. Because it is not fair to her to thrust your baggage on her.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:20 AM   #52
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iara View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by M2LR View Post
I was short, built like my German grandmother, with frizzy/curly ash brown hair and hazel eyes. Oh, and TONS of freckles on alabaster white skin. Oh yeah, I tried for years to be like her, wreaked much havoc on my body and my brain, and sometimes it still hurts. I am 32...I should totally be over this by now.
I saw your picture and I think you and your hair are beautiful.

No look or size holds a monopoly on beauty although some may want you to think that.

Speaking of my own issues, I have been thin and fit my whole life but I have an irrational fear of gaining weight. It comes from my father saying that women who are larger are unattractive. He did not even say it directly to me and it affected me. I do not starve myself but I do stop myself from overeating because I am afraid of becoming unattractive. I do not want to pass this on to my future children...
Yup, M2LR is beautiful. So many of us on this board are beautiful. There is no "template" for beauty--there are so many variations and still so many people want just the opposite of what they naturally have.

My mom's comes from leaving her family at 19 as a twig-figure. When she returned later, older, AFTER kids, her family would comment on how she went to America and got "fat." (looking at the photos, she had a tummy, but was not FAT!) My mom spent a lot of my childhood obsessing and yo-yo dieting. It took years for her to accept her shape and stop obsessing. She doesn't comment on my sister or my weight anymore either, though I did get the comment that my waist "will never be the same" after I had my baby (it's not the same, but it's close enough).

I'm telling you, that stuff STICKS.

I told myself I was going to stay out of this thread.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:21 AM   #53
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eilonwy View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by midgi
Gaining a lot of weight within a short period of time is cause for alarm.
This is true. At my height, size 8 to 14 would be a very significant weight gain, and would indicate a change from a low-risk weight to obesity. And just plain gaining (or losing) that much weight so quickly isn't good for your health.


However...
Quote:
Originally Posted by midgi View Post
I don't know what other comments she posted about her daughter, but what's so wrong about her being concerned with her daughter's weight?
If you had read the other comments, then you'd know why many posters here are concerned about the situation based on frau's portrayal of it here.
Just saw this after writing and submitting my last post. Agree with both points.

Not only does Frau need to take a hard look at how she may be projecting her own body hang ups on her daughter, all of us need to look at how our own relationship to weight and body image affects our responses. HEALTH should truly be the focus. And a rapid weight gain like that is probably not normal or healthy, unless she is pregnant.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:23 AM   #54
 
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Originally Posted by curls on holiday View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by midgi View Post
I don't know what other comments she posted about her daughter, but what's so wrong about her being concerned with her daughter's weight?

Gaining a lot of weight within a short period of time is cause for alarm. And everyone's posting, "If she's healthy and happy then..."

Well how do we she's healthy and happy? Has Frau discussed her concern with her daughter and posted it on NC?

My mother responded to my own weight gain (from 111lbs to a little over 200lbs in only 1.5 years) the same way. She was disappointed and concerned and hell yea, it made me sad but I realized she was only concerned because she loved me. Sorry, but I don't see what's wrong with that.

However, I do understand that they WAY you posted it is more than disconcerting, Frau. Why didn't you just come out and say how you felt about it, instead of posting a cryptic statement that only a few understood??
I agree, and it is natural for a mother to be concerned for her child, even an adult one. I think the difference here is that Frau has either an eating disorder or a borderline one, and there is some fear that she may be projecting that or instilling that in her daughter.

My advice FRAU is to focus on what is healthy for your daughter. If she can be healthy at a larger weight then it might be ok. Is she cardiovascularly fit? Can she walk up 5 flights of steps without wanting to pass out? Touch her toes? Have basic flexibilty and strength? If she can, then the extra weight is probably not doing much damage to her health (although she should have cholesterol and other things checked, maybe thyroid too).

I put on an unneeded, unflattering and not-good-for-my heatlh 40 lbs over the course of 5 years. It looked ok but not me at my best. My family and close friends loved me enough not to harp on it or to make me feel bad about it. And I was able to date and feel sexually desired at that larger weight. But I look better and feel better without the extra 40 lbs. I think that the person carrying excess weight has to do their own self analysis on whether they like the extra weight or not, whether it might be damaging their health or not and whether they want to live in a larger body or a smaller one.

Frau - Please just try to disassociate and disentangle your images with your own body and weight from your daughter. Because it is not fair to her to thrust your baggage on her.
Thanks for not completely dismissing my post and replying with snark. I appreciate the background info Curls on Holiday. If what you posted is indeed the case, then ITA with your entire post.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:28 AM   #55
 
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i think i see it more as her not being disciplined and not caring....
ah yes, this old chestnut...

all us fatties lack discipline and don't care how we look to the rest of the world...

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Old 08-29-2008, 11:30 AM   #56
 
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Is she on birth control pills? Doesn't that sometimes cause weight gain?

If you think she's gaining too much too fast, have her see a doctor.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:31 AM   #57
 
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.

My advice FRAU is to focus on what is healthy for your daughter. If she can be healthy at a larger weight then it might be ok. Is she cardiovascularly fit? Can she walk up 5 flights of steps without wanting to pass out? Touch her toes? Have basic flexibilty and strength? If she can, then the extra weight is probably not doing much damage to her health (although she should have cholesterol and other things checked, maybe thyroid too).
For what's it's worth, even at my thinnest, I could not do any of the above. Granted, I was always weak then, but now I'm worse off, almost. This isn't aimed at you, COH. Just saying that being thin does not equal everything good, since that's the thought process that my grandmother had, and since this thread was about weight gain, not about being fit -- even though Frau herself said girls at her daughter's size who are fit are beautiful. But this wasn't about her daughter not being fit. It was about her not being thin.

I also had high cholesterol: from MALNUTRITION. Ha. Now I can't get rid of it, even when I eat right. I've been on meds for that, too. All because I was taught thin is beautiful. And to have willpower and care about the number on my pants and the number on the scale.

OK. I'm taking a break from this thread. I'm far from over the issues I have (despite years of therapy), and this just rips me apart. Man, do I feel for this girl...
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:33 AM   #58
 
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Is she on birth control pills? Doesn't that sometimes cause weight gain?
Certain BC pills (those with androgens) can cause major water retention. I don't think it's common for a BC pill to cause that much weight gain, though. And many popular BC pills are either androgen-free, or have low levels of androgens.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:35 AM   #59
 
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i understand what all of you have written and believe me i have been careful about what i say (thank you naturallycurly therapists, i did learn something). however, i don't know why my not wanting my daughter to get bigger means i'm psycho.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:38 AM   #60
 
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your daughter is not you. she isn't even a reflection of you. she's her own person. is she happy in her new body? is she overall healthy? if so, don't worry so much.

no one (at least no one who matters) is going to judge you as a mother by what your daughter looks like.

she's a size 14. her body. her life.

now, if she's overeating and sedentary and hating her body, you should give her constructive suggestions about how to shape up. otherwise, let it go.
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