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Old 08-29-2008, 11:39 AM   #61
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i understand what all of you have written and believe me i have been careful about what i say (thank you naturallycurly therapists, i did learn something). however, i don't know why my not wanting my daughter to get bigger means i'm psycho.
No one is saying you're psycho. Just wanting to make sure you're healthy and don't have eating issues yourself.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:42 AM   #62
 
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i understand what all of you have written and believe me i have been careful about what i say (thank you naturallycurly therapists, i did learn something). however, i don't know why my not wanting my daughter to get bigger means i'm psycho.
i think the therapist suggestions probably stem from you sharing your obsessions about your own body image: not eating well, being too thin, then wanting to gain weight. and threads about not liking your life and wanting to move away didn't help your mental credibility either. sorry, but i'm just saying.

back to your daughter. you aren't psycho for desiring her to maintain a healthy weight or for being concerned about her going from an 8 to a 14 in a short period of time. but dwelling on it to the point where you write posts about it and need online support to take it in suggests that it's bothering you more than it should.

just my 2 cents.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:45 AM   #63
 
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sigh....ok.
well, i just needed to vent to my curly ifriends who are mean to me but i'll forgive you all since you're looking out for the mental health of my daughter.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:46 AM   #64
 
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My advice FRAU is to focus on what is healthy for your daughter. If she can be healthy at a larger weight then it might be ok. Is she cardiovascularly fit? Can she walk up 5 flights of steps without wanting to pass out? Touch her toes? Have basic flexibilty and strength? If she can, then the extra weight is probably not doing much damage to her health (although she should have cholesterol and other things checked, maybe thyroid too).
For what's it's worth, even at my thinnest, I could not do any of the above. Granted, I was always weak then, but now I'm worse off, almost. This isn't aimed at you, COH. Just saying that being thin does not equal everything good, since that's the thought process that my grandmother had, and since this thread was about weight gain, not about being fit -- even though Frau herself said girls at her daughter's size who are fit are beautiful. But this wasn't about her daughter not being fit. It was about her not being thin.

I also had high cholesterol: from MALNUTRITION. Ha. Now I can't get rid of it, even when I eat right. I've been on meds for that, too. All because I was taught thin is beautiful. And to have willpower and care about the number on my pants and the number on the scale.

OK. I'm taking a break from this thread. I'm far from over the issues I have (despite years of therapy), and this just rips me apart. Man, do I feel for this girl...
That portion of my post was geared towards measures of fitness, and whether Frau's daughter can satisfy them at the new larger weight. That's all.

We had a long, separate thread about whether heavier women can be just as fit as thinner women. Or thinner women just as unhealthy as heavier women. We've discussed all of these issues at great length.

I was just hoping to give Frau some more standard and objective fitness parameters to think about other than OMG my child is blowing up so fast! And it is clear that each and every one of us posting on this thread has our own deep history and personal experence (personal demons) about weight and body image. That's part of being a woman, I guess.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:46 AM   #65
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sigh....ok.
well, i just needed to vent to my curly ifriends who are mean to me but i'll forgive you all since you're looking out for the mental health of my daughter.
yours too.
gotta keep everyone on nc.com healthy and coming back for more.
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:47 AM   #66
 
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and threads about not liking your life and wanting to move away didn't help your mental credibility either. sorry, but i'm just saying.
okay, that was pms and a love of travel! lol
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:51 AM   #67
 
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frau- i think people are suggesting therapy not only because of what your posted before about your feelings about weight but because you used the word "disappointed" to describe how you felt. i think if you would have said you were concerened, worried, or fearful about her health then the responses you would have received would be totally different.
i have no judgements or evidence as to what weight issues you may or may not have--i never read any of those threads, just heard about them.
why did you choose the word "disappointed" to say how you felt about what size clothes she wears?
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:54 AM   #68
 
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I know I definitely gained my freshman 15 and then some while I was in college and yeah, it had a lot to do with the "undisciplined" factor. I ate more high calorie type foods, like pizza and doughnuts, at all times of the day and night and I never made any effort to exercise outside of mandatory PE .

But, even so, losing weight/becoming more fit, is a very personal choice and one that your daughter will have to make for herself. I don't know if you do this or not, but continually nagging her about her weight or expressing your disappointment to her is just going to chip away at her self esteem. When certain members of my family started to do this, I think I actually started to eat more to spite them (crazy logic, I know). It wasn't until I started looking old and recent photos of myself that I started to take control of my weight.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:02 PM   #69
 
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Learning to take care of one's body as an independent adult is a tough thing to do for a lot of people starting out on their own. I to gained a fair amount of weight during and immediately after college.

But it's something the individual needs to deal with. No amount of parental prodding will fix it, she needs to get there on her own, and on her own terms. She needs to figure out the solution that's going to work for her, and implement in on her own. No one figures out how to correct their weight/food/exercise issues in a healthy way because their mom couldn't handle them gaining weight.

Frau, I don't know you very well (or, y'know, at all), but my sense from this post is that you're less concerned with health than you are appearances, and THAT'S unhealthy for you AND for your daughter. And lamenting about her weight issues on the internet in a public forum like this is really bad form.

I'd like to suggest that you get a LiveJournal, and lock it so only people you know and are truly friends with can see it, if you want to avoid backlash like this in the future. There you can get things like this out of your system and still get feedback from people whose opinions you want, without running the risk of people being mean to you.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:02 PM   #70
 
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why did you choose the word "disappointed" to say how you felt about what size clothes she wears?
did i? i don't think so but i do see the weight gain as a lack of discipline.

Last edited by frau; 08-29-2008 at 12:07 PM.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:09 PM   #71
 
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^^^ That's kind of ascribing a moral value to her weight.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:10 PM   #72
 
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My mom pestered me about my weight, but always said I was "too skinny". That I couldn't do sports that required a lot of running because I didn't have enough meat on my bones, and I ended up being a long distance runner! But it gave me a complex. If I was stretching in my room or doing sit ups she would freak out saying I was just trying to make myself skinnier and would tell my dad she caught me doing "exercises" like it was a bad thing. I also grew up with the complex about my mom being Ms. Popularity in school with her long blonde hair. She was a Marcia Brady look a like and I on the otherhand had dark curly hair and looked like my father. I wasn't good at the things she was good at, and I never had boyfriends and she would make comments about all of that. I grew up not liking myself very much and I'm still dealing with some of that crap. She has made a complete turnaround and is no longer like that and has made numerous apologies to me and my brother for the verbal abuse when we were younger. Just know that the disappointment you feel about your daughter, there's a very good chance she picks up on it. She probably doesn't feel like she's good enough for you, and no kid should feel that. Please try to handle this with sensitivity. She may be growing up, but she's always going to be your daughter and what you say will always hurt more than what others say.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:15 PM   #73
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Wow. Glad you're not my mom.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:19 PM   #74
 
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Frau, if you haven't done so already, you're going to end up completely screwing up your daughter.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:19 PM   #75
 
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and threads about not liking your life and wanting to move away didn't help your mental credibility either. sorry, but i'm just saying.
okay, that was pms and a love of travel! lol
touche.

sometimes i want to gorge on a half-gallon of chocolate icecream drenched in chocolate syrup with a ton of mini chocolate chips poured on top and then push my husband down the stairs for not answering a question fast enough for me.

ok. what's your therapist's phone number?
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:19 PM   #76
 
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@kcc give me a frigging break. i said i didn't like her weight gain didn't hit her over the head with a pot.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:22 PM   #77
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@kcc give me a frigging break. i said i didn't like her weight gain didn't hit her over the head with a pot.
oh ok that makes it much better. Obviously no harm done since you didn't physically hit her.

eta: eyeroll face
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:22 PM   #78
 
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@kcc give me a frigging break. i said i didn't like her weight gain didn't hit her over the head with a pot.

It could be argued the long term effects aren't all that different. If you're so open about your chagrin regarding her weight IRL as you are here, she knows about it, and it's probably having a negative effect on her. I went through a similar (if not totally identical) phase as your daughter when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I'm just grateful the only "advice" my mother ever gave me was to get more exercise. She never said, implied, or allowed me to think for one second that she thought I was overweight or that she was upset over my weight. It would have devestated me if she had.
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:23 PM   #79
 
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sometimes i want to gorge on a half-gallon of chocolate icecream drenched in chocolate syrup with a ton of mini chocolate chips poured on top and then push my husband down the stairs for not answering a question fast enough for me.

ok. what's your therapist's phone number?
What do you need the therapists number for? Aren't those normal feelings?
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:24 PM   #80
 
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@kcc give me a frigging break. i said i didn't like her weight gain didn't hit her over the head with a pot.
oh ok that makes it much better. Obviously no harm done since you didn't physically hit her.
Words hurt far more than physical hitting ever could. Emotional bruises can last for a lifetime.
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