How do you know when a relationship is worth keeping?

See how he handles the suggestions you have given him. Then you can decide from there.
I know there's no such thing as a perfect match, so be careful that you don't have too high of an expectation.
However, I know that there's got to be enough compatibility on the important issues of your life.
I once broke up with a man, whom I loved dearly, because he changed his mind and didn't want kids. He had some other problems, but I thought those were workable...but after he said that, I just couldn't see myself being with him. The irony is now that I'm married to a man who wants kids, I might not be able to. But still...even if I would've stayed with the first man...I would've resented the heck out of him.
That's right, I said it! I wear scrunchies!!

I am a sulfate washing, cone slabbing, curly lovin' s.o.b. The CG police haven't caught me yet.


3a/3b
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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:49 PM.
Have you ever read about "set point happiness"?
Originally Posted by tmmy_cat
No.
I picture the next relationship being different ... but not necessarily the key to more happiness... Mostly likely I would have things to worry about in the next relationship even if they aren't the same worries...
Originally Posted by tmmy_cat
What is the saying? Wherever you go, there you are. If you find yourself having worries in all your relationships the real issue may be your relationship with yourself and not with a significant other. Based on what you have posted, it looks like to me you may be projecting some issues a bit (albeit, the children issue is big). You have an issue and instead of addressing it with yourself, you project outwards by finding something wrong with your bf. That is not fair. No one can be your everything. Both of you deserve better. Sometimes an "upheaval" is the best thing you need.
You cannot invite someone to your house in the Hamptons and when she arrives, not let her stay. Tacky. Very Tacky. ~ East Village hipster.

People in Ward Three disdain three things: cleavage, hunting and dumb people who are richer than they are. ~ David Brooks


Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. ~Armaments 2:9-21

Have you ever read about "set point happiness"?
I'm not sure if everyone is like this, but my happiness level has stayed surprisingly constant throughout my life regardless of my situation - good, bad, in between. My happiness level spikes a little bit up or down in response to something happening, but then it gravitates back to my usual level.
I picture the next relationship being different ... but not necessarily the key to more happiness... Mostly likely I would have things to worry about in the next relationship even if they aren't the same worries...[/quote]



Sounds like you've made up your mind, if you're already focusing on the next relationship. But in case I read that wrong....

My husband used to do the same sort of thing as your SO: when I'd get upset he wouldn't be emotionally available to me. I finally did the same thing that you did - I told him what I needed: just to be held. Turns out that when he saw me upset he felt like that meant that he was supposed to "fix" it and he wasn't sure how to do that and certainly didn't want to make it any worse. I told him that sometimes I just got emotional and that I didn't need him to do anything more than just be there for me. We've been married 24 years now.

A bigger red flag for me would be the issue of kids. Seems like that needs to be ironed out a bit. Of course it's impossible to see into the future but you'd need to both agree that you can be happy and complete without kids if that's important to one of you.

Good luck!
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This is the way I personally handle things. If I don't feel 100% about something, I don't do it. Add to that the there's a saying that you should only marry someone who you enjoy talking to. As you get older, that will become more and more important. Add communication to that, also. You've expressed your doubt, and if you cannot resolve what's bringing this about, it will not get better. My ex-husband and I never argued. His thing was,"Let's not talk about it." when a problem arose. I would never hold back from him, but he held back from me. Eventually I began to resent him. Of course no one is perfect and has absolutely everything we need, but communication in very necessary in a relationship. It sounds like you two are in different places.
Yes there's always going to be "something" in a relationship that bothers you, but it should be a 'something' that doesn't have a big effect on you - which in turn probably means it doesn't bother you as much.

I think that this is YOUR life and YOUR happiness. If you're in a relationship with no kids, then unless you're 100 percent positive about it, I don't think there's any reason to force yourself into staying.

I agree that there just isn't enough reasons to stay with someone unless you're completely happy with them - unless of course kids are involved. That changes everything.
Phoenix, imo, a temporary state of unhappiness would not create doubts that prompt you to ask if the relationship is worth keeping. A permanent state of unhappiness, anger, drama, apathy, etc. would cause you to question your relationship. If I find myself constantly debating should I stay or go, I go.


We have a fundamental different view of relationships. I believe there are good men (although not everyone is good for me). I believe if you are not happy then you should not stay. What is the point of being unhappy?
Originally Posted by iara
Perhaps. But it might not work like that for everyone. I also believe there are good men out there. Somewhere.
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:49 PM.
I think you should listen to voice 3. Anytime something is important to you, never count on someone getting a hint.
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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:49 PM.
I've read this thread with some interest over the past week (since you bumped it) because I think in many ways my husband and I had some of the same issues in the past. I wasn't going to respond because, really, what do I know? I'm not an expert, but I do know what worked and didn't work for us. I also have the perspective of being on the outside looking in. But seriously, take this with a grain of salt.

Communication issues can be fixed. How? Both parties need to be willing to fix them and both parties need to recognize that they're not fixed by making the other person communicate the way they want them to. They are fixed by recognizing that they need to start communicating with their partner the way their partner needs them to. The difference is that you can't change someone else but you can change yourself.

You said that you and your SO went to therapy and it didn't help. Either the therapist wasn't the right one or you both weren't committed to making it work. You've said that your SO is "getting better" but are you getting better too? I don't mean that in a "you suck" way. I mean that there are most likely things that you are doing that contribute to these issues. And getting better is like trying. You don't try; you do. You make a commitment to give your partner what he/she needs, with the knowledge that nobody's perfect and there may be slip-ups along the way. You don't give your partner what he/she needs one time the first week, two times the second week, and so on.

All that being said, I don't think you can fix this relationship without outside help. Only you and your SO know if you're willing to put everything you have into it or not. Me? If I had somebody that I'm compatible with on so many levels (assuming you can figure out the kid thing), I'd do what I can to fix something fixable. KWIM?

You know what would be really ideal? Some sort of breather ... a year or two off to date other people without necessarily deciding in advance that we're definitely going to break up or definitely going to stay together. I have no idea how to bring that up without making it sound like a breakup, but hypothetically if he were to bring it up with me ... man, that would be kind of perfect.
Umm...no. You're either in the relationship or you're not. This scenario isn't fair to him, to you, or to whoever you might date. Break up or don't break up.

I hope this doesn't all sound preachy. I don't mean it that way at all.
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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:49 PM.
I will bring that up with my boyfriend next time we run into a roadblock and see what he thinks. I'm actually looking forward to the next drama because I think he knows exactly what I need. I even asked him last night if he remembered and surprisingly, he did. So we will see. Now, I just need an outside force to manufacture some drama for us.
Originally Posted by tmmy_cat
Honestly, reading you saying stuff like the bolded, would be a major red flag for me if I were in a relationship with you. It's. . . well quite frankly it makes you sound like a drama queen. And that's a trait many people try to avoid. I don't mean to be mean, and I don't know enough about you to say you are one, just pointing that out.

Why would you want drama and conflict? Why do you feel the need to test him?

ETA: you don't have to answer those two questions. I just think they should be something you should be asking yourself.

Last edited by cympreni; 02-10-2009 at 05:43 PM.
I will bring that up with my boyfriend next time we run into a roadblock and see what he thinks. I'm actually looking forward to the next drama because I think he knows exactly what I need. I even asked him last night if he remembered and surprisingly, he did. So we will see. Now, I just need an outside force to manufacture some drama for us.
Originally Posted by tmmy_cat
Honestly, reading you saying stuff like the bolded, would be a major red flag for me if I were in a relationship with you. It's. . . well quite frankly it makes you sound like a drama queen. And that's a trait many people try to avoid. I don't mean to be mean, and I don't know enough about you to say you are one, just pointing that out.

Why would you want drama and conflict? Why do you feel the need to test him?

ETA: you don't have to answer those two questions. I just think they should be something you should be asking yourself.
Originally Posted by cympreni
with reading over everything again - looks like you might be missing passion from him or feel that he is not passionate enough.
I would break it down with pen and paper.

On one side, write every pro about him, for him, and in regards to the relationship. On the other side, list out the cons, everything that bothers you about him and your relationship.

At the end, determine which list is longer...therein is your answer.

For me personally, I must have communication in a relationship, it is the baseline for everything else upon which we build a foundation of trust, love and togetherness.

I wish you the best.
2b/3a.
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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:50 PM.
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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:50 PM.
A lot to think through, TC! Best of luck with it!
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
So basically what you are saying is that he has most of the qualities you want in a mate but when conflict arises he REFUSES to talk?


IF those issues that he refuses to talk about are minor anyway, I think I would stay.

Some people talk but its only to manipulate the situation. Or they talk but they are only hearing themselves...
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Last edited by tmmy_cat; 03-06-2009 at 09:50 PM.

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