Restraining Order

Anyone ever had to get one?

Long story short, my ex is not all there in the head, as it turns out. And now I'm kinda scared. I would like to hope that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me but I also realize that it took me a while to see and admit that he was a little crazy.

So I'm considering a restraining order. But I'm not sure what information I would need. I know his first and last name, address and the type of car he drives. Would I need anything else? And how long is it "good" for?

If someone can just fill me in on the specifics, I would appreciate it.

Thanks!
3A/3B
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I'm sure someone here will know.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please stay safe.
I had a restraining order against my ex. It varies by state how long it lasts. I went through the police department and then had to appear in family court to get it because there was a violent incident that predicated the order. I had the order removed several months later because he put a lot of financial pressure on me to do so...I went along with it because I was desperate for the money. I shouldn't have done that...but he wasn't violent after that one incident, so it worked out.

Call your local police department. They should be able to help you.
I'm sorry you're going through this Alison. It's a very scary thing to live through.

As to your questions, the rules and procedures vary from state to state. Here is a sample form of Iowa's form to get a civil restraining order:
http://www.judicial.state.ia.us/wfda...for_relief.pdf

In Iowa, there are two types of orders: civil and criminal. To get a civil one, you request it by filling out the form above. A criminal one is entered by the Court if criminal charges are filed. The civil one is good for a short time (15 days?) before a hearing is held and a permanent one can be ordered. Permanent is a misnomer because it is only good for one year although it can be renewed.

Check your state's judicial website for forms or look up domestic violence (for your state) and you should find help. You can also contact a domestic violence shelter and they will help you. He doesn't have to have done anything yet for you to ask for help. Trust your instincts and be safe!
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Has he threatened you? If so, make sure it's documented, date, time and every small detail of the occurrence. Take that to the police department and request a restraining order.

It has been my observation that there must be a threat or a perceived threat against you in order for the police to issue the restraint.

Keep us posted and be safe.
2b/3a.
He has not threatened so much as saying anything threatening.

He does, however, continue to call me, text me and show up at my house unannounced and uninvited....all of which I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing.

He shows up at my house and yells at me and accuses me of dating/sleeping with other guys (I'm not!) and insists that someone is here at my house....even when I tell him that no one is and there is no car in the driveway.

He is super paranoid and controlling....just a couple of the reasons that I broke things off with him.

I'm just concerned that things could get scarier and I would rather be smart and prepared for that possibility.
3A/3B
I love Jessicurl HCC, Jessicurl Too Shea, KCKT, KCCC, CK and HESMU...but it took a LOT of trial error to get to these products that consistently work for ME.
Depending on you state's laws, he may not have to threaten you. Just continuing to contact you may be considered harassment and you could be entitled to a restraining order. Again, I would call a DV shelter. Someone should be able to help you there.

BTW, I used to volunteer at a shelter. Superbowl Sunday is one the busiest days of the year, so you might not want to call then.
Loose botticelli curls and waves
No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
He shows up at my house and yells at me and accuses me of dating/sleeping with other guys (I'm not!) and insists that someone is here at my house....even when I tell him that no one is and there is no car in the driveway.
Don't let him in, don't engage with him or justify yourself. The next time this happens, just call the police, let them know he is trying to assault you and get on your property. You will then have grounds for a restraining order.

But if you feel unsafe now, request one now.
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He shows up at my house and yells at me and accuses me of dating/sleeping with other guys (I'm not!) and insists that someone is here at my house....even when I tell him that no one is and there is no car in the driveway.

He is super paranoid and controlling....just a couple of the reasons that I broke things off with him.
Originally Posted by alisons79
This is harassment, call the cops next time he shows up on your doorstep.
2b/3a.
I don't let him in!! I answer to door and then go outside to speak to him.

I feel like I can't pretend like I'm not home or ignore that he's there because my front door has a big piece of decorative glass right in the middle. He can see me if I'm in the living room.

He has in the past also taken to looking into the windows when I didn't come to the door right away. He would knock softly and then look in the windows. The only reason I know this is because my dog heard him one night and she barked. So when I went to the door, I saw him walking across the lawn.
3A/3B
I love Jessicurl HCC, Jessicurl Too Shea, KCKT, KCCC, CK and HESMU...but it took a LOT of trial error to get to these products that consistently work for ME.
I had a restraining order against my ex. It varies by state how long it lasts. I went through the police department and then had to appear in family court to get it because there was a violent incident that predicated the order. I had the order removed several months later because he put a lot of financial pressure on me to do so...I went along with it because I was desperate for the money. I shouldn't have done that...but he wasn't violent after that one incident, so it worked out.

Call your local police department. They should be able to help you.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
What RCW said is how it plays out...I have a 3yr PFA against my ex fiance, and in the state of PA, once you file against your ex, they send a summons for court to both of you. In family court, you both plead your cases. IF you have proof of abuse/assault/or harassment (calls, texts, emails) take ALL proof with you to court - that helps your case.

I'm sOOOOOOOO sorry you have to go through this. IF you need to vent, PM me anytime as I've been through this already and do NOT wish it on anyone. But you WILL get through it and be better off without this man. Getting the order shows him that you ARE strong and that what he did is NOT ok and will NOT go unpunished.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
I don't let him in!! I answer to door and then go outside to speak to him.

I feel like I can't pretend like I'm not home or ignore that he's there because my front door has a big piece of decorative glass right in the middle. He can see me if I'm in the living room.

He has in the past also taken to looking into the windows when I didn't come to the door right away. He would knock softly and then look in the windows. The only reason I know this is because my dog heard him one night and she barked. So when I went to the door, I saw him walking across the lawn.
Originally Posted by alisons79
ITA with everyone else. I wouldn't answer the door. Don't worry about him seeing you, that can work to your advantage. Yell through the door to leave immediately and never come back or you'll call the cops and let him see you with the phone in your hand ready to call.
I don't let him in!! I answer to door and then go outside to speak to him.
Originally Posted by alisons79
I want to speak to this one issue. Don't go outside to speak to him, either. You have to ignore him. Every time you answer the door you're engaging him. That's what he wants. And he'll keep knocking until he gets it.

If he knocks on your door for 15 minutes and then you give in and answer it, he's going to assume, "Well, guess I just have to knock for 15 minutes to get her to do what I want."

You don't have to pretend you're not home. Just don't answer the door. Period. And if he doesn't stop knocking you call the police.


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You guys have a point. And I knew that I shouldn't talk to him. Deep down, I knew.

I just talked to the Sheriff's Department and they said that I would have to go to the courthouse on Monday to talk about a restraining order.

I made sure to program the number for them into my phone so that if he does show up again, I won't have to worry about finding the number under pressure.

I have a dog who barks whenever someone is outside or pulls into the driveway. I own a gun and I keep it loaded by my bedside at night while I'm sleeping.

I called a friend of mine earlier tonight and asked him to help me install some motion lights on the corners of my house this coming week.

So even if the restraining order doesn't work out, I still feel like I'm doing something to deter him from sneaking around my house.

Thanks for everyone's advice so far. I really appreciate it.
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I love Jessicurl HCC, Jessicurl Too Shea, KCKT, KCCC, CK and HESMU...but it took a LOT of trial error to get to these products that consistently work for ME.
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Stay safe! (((hugs)))
I agree with the posters who have said don't have ANY contact with him. if he comes over, you are under no obligation to speak to him. Even negative attention is attention, and that's what he wants from you.

Speak to the police, and please stay safe.
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I just wanted to point out that while getting an order can help, it will not protect you. You have to know that, I got one and thought I was safe and I wasn't. I learned how to fight and how to use a gun. I'm not saying you need to go to extremes, I needed to b/c I was being phyically attacked.

But to me it sounds like this guy isn't going to go away easy. It's good you have a dog, I would also talk to your neighbors.
You're smart not to let him in, but don't go outside to talk to him either.

It varies from state to state, and I think there are different types of orders and documents. 13 years ago, I was being stalked by a former co-worker. He eventually showed up at my apartment unannounced, and when I told him to leave several times, he wouldn't. I finally called the cops. They came over, escorted him from the building and told him at that point, they were just going to call this "tresspassing." They then told him that if he ever so much as thought about me again, they'd upgrade it to stalking, and he'd be in a lot more trouble.

Since no charges were filed since he left peacefully (and luckily, they scared him badly enough that he did leave me alone). So while I didn't get an actual restraining order, the police told me that as long as I filed a report, which I did, that the report would go on file and would protect me from him. Since they scared him into leaving me alone, I never had to follow up on it, so I don't know what else it would have entailed since he never bothered me anymore.

But please, call your local precinct and sit down with an officer who can give you the actual details of what you'll need, because I'm sure my case was different.
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I just wanted to point out that while getting an order can help, it will not protect you.
Originally Posted by curlygirlyme


This is true. Restraining orders only work on people who are mostly law-abiding anyway. A guy with an impulsive anger streak isn't going to care if you have a piece of paper or not. Sometimes, just knowing you got an order to keep them away, can make them angrier and do things they wouldn't otherwise do.

Please be careful.
I just wanted to point out that while getting an order can help, it will not protect you.
Originally Posted by curlygirlyme


This is true. Restraining orders only work on people who are mostly law-abiding anyway. A guy with an impulsive anger streak isn't going to care if you have a piece of paper or not. Sometimes, just knowing you got an order to keep them away, can make them angrier and do things they wouldn't otherwise do.

Please be careful.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
i agree. this guys sounds scary. please keep yourself safe!
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