What do you think are the obligations or the right thing to do for step relatives?

How often are they with their dad? It seems to me that these children could really use a good family to be included in and from what you have said of your family, the kids could could probably really benefit from being close to them. Again, just b/c their parents are ****ty, they don't deserve to be excluded. What is the step-mom's view on the situation? Why doesn't she insist on her husband stepping up and taking care of his (and now her) kids?
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

"...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

"I had an imaginary puppy, but my grandpa ate him."~Bailey
Glad I'm not one of those children that's being "married" into this family you describe. They must be incredibly judgmental to even have to ask these sort of questions....
Glad I'm not one of those children that's being "married" into this family you describe. They must be incredibly judgmental to even have to ask these sort of questions....
Originally Posted by kindredspirit1983
I agree, and regardless of their ages, they will likely know, or at least FEEL what's going on.

My uncle married someone with a child from a previous relationsip, and my grandma would actually say, "Well, he's not REALLY your cousin..." or she would purposely leave him out of "family" pictures and things like that, "Well, he's not REALLY my grandson."

Very hurtful not only to him, but to the other family members as well.
This is the underlying tone I'm reading, which disturbs me:

"How much do we HAVE to do?"
"What's the least amount of effort that can we put in and still be in good graces?"
"This this and this is going on, now is it ok to isolate the kids?"

Very mean, cruel, and hateful. I pray for those children if they have to be forced into a family that thinks like this
I don't think they would have to save money for college of a step grandchild. I mean, that child already has 2 sets of grandparents that could theoretically do this for this child.
I think and exception should be if the child has no biological grandparents and the step grandparents are the only ones the child knows.

I don't know too many grandparents that save for college anyway. I doubt too many are giving up large sums of money for step grandchildren when that child already has 4 other grandparents.
I think that the wills and stuff like that is moot. That is nobody's business other than the person who's will it is. If they don't leave money they don't leave money. That said, I think that steps should be treated the same during the time they are around. If the steps rarely see the family, well, they must be busy with their own family. If you see the steps often and you have a great relationship with them, then I don't see a problem with giving them some of the education money that was set aside for the grandchildren (which they would be, regardless of whether step or not). If you see the steps and you cannot foster a relationship with them (for many reasons: the mother, the kids themselves, the rest of the step family's obvious disapproval), then why give them anything.

And if the mother is as bad as the family is thinking, why isn't the family working harder to get the children with the family and taken care of... like one of their own?

Of course, if this is a new relationship, who knows what will happen. But having the whole family wonder this stuff is definitely a bad sign for me (if i was coming into this family)... The kids probably feel the disapproval from every adult. sucks for the poor kids. I hope that either their mother isn't as bad as anmeris' family thinks she is, or that amneris' family is just a little uptight and nervous. Either way amneris, I hope your family gives these children a chance. Just because their mother is a loser (as far as your family can see) and your family is already sort of not feeling the dad, it doesn't mean that he isn't sticking around, or that his children shouldn't receive the love and affection from your family. Judging from your other posts, it appears that your family (or at least you) have deep rooted beliefs and ideals, I'm sure that these children could benefit from that especially if they aren't getting them at home.

All in all, just give the kids a chance.

(sorry I rambled.)

Mix of 3s, thick, coarse, medium porosity

Current hair styling technique: rake with a scrunch at the end. (works with my coarse hair)

http://public.fotki.com/curlymix/
pw: curls

Known HGs: KCCC, homemade fsg, honey
And if the mother is as bad as the family is thinking, why isn't the family working harder to get the children with the family and taken care of... like one of their own?
Originally Posted by curlymix
Thats what I was wondering? If the mother is really that terrible (throwing the kids around, out partying, doing drugs, carrying knives) I don't understand why this family isn't trying to pull these kids closer instead of wondering how much they really need to do?
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn
And if the mother is as bad as the family is thinking, why isn't the family working harder to get the children with the family and taken care of... like one of their own?
Originally Posted by curlymix
Thats what I was wondering? If the mother is really that terrible (throwing the kids around, out partying, doing drugs, carrying knives) I don't understand why this family isn't trying to pull these kids closer instead of wondering how much they really need to do?
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
Maybe because they're scared of getting cut up or cussed out or worse... these people know some other very scary folks.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I don't understand why the mother still has the kids?
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn
And if the mother is as bad as the family is thinking, why isn't the family working harder to get the children with the family and taken care of... like one of their own?
Originally Posted by curlymix
Thats what I was wondering? If the mother is really that terrible (throwing the kids around, out partying, doing drugs, carrying knives) I don't understand why this family isn't trying to pull these kids closer instead of wondering how much they really need to do?
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
Maybe because they're scared of getting cut up or cussed out or worse... these people know some other very scary folks.
Originally Posted by Amneris
For spending time with the kids and giving them money for school?

Sorry...I'm just really confused here?
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn

Maybe because they're scared of getting cut up or cussed out or worse... these people know some other very scary folks.
Originally Posted by Amneris;
You didnt say that in your OP. All of your posts up until this one seems to be centered on how much this family has to do for the kids and what is being shared among the kids. You even asked if it would be SCARRING and how scarring it would be. Almost like permission to behave this way is being sought out. Thats just not right

And I agree with whom said that the generational thing is not an issue. Stepfamilies, half siblings, blended families all go back to the dawn of time
rainshower's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,000
If a family member marries a man with three children from another relationship, who live with their mother (never married to the man), what are the roles of the new wife's parents, sisters, brothers and their spouses and in laws, etc? Would the children (aged between 3 and 10) likely be content with their relationship with their parents or would they want to be included in dad's in-laws' families? How scarring would it be if some family members do not accept the children and the relationship? Would the kids even know if they are living at a distance from that family? Are there certain rules or etiquette for a situation like this or particular expectations on the step relatives or is it basically the new wife's problem alone as stepmother? What are peoples' experiences who have gone through it?
Originally Posted by Amneris
if a woman married a man whose young children live with his ex-girlfriend (meaning the man is probably a weekend dad), then the woman's family, to me, do not have to go above and beyond to give these children the same priviledges as the blood children in the woman's family.

when/if the man's children come around the woman's family, they should be kind and welcoming to the children, including them in family dinners and normal family get-togethers.

but leaving these kids, who live mostly with their mother, a will or funding their college tuitions like the other blood children? in that scenario, things aren't even and no one should be pressured to make things even just so they won't appear to be mean to one set of kids. no one owes those kids anything more than kindheartedness and love.

now, if there are other circumstances involved where the woman's family over the years have cultivated a close relationship with the children and they want to (out of genuine love and kindness) want to include them in the family finances, there's nothing wrong with that. but to feel an obligation to give priviledges/perks to children with whom you aren't close and who may not come around often because they live mainly with their mother who may have issues? i'd go as far to say that it wouldn't be appropriate to involve those kids in financial matters like wills, college tuitions, trusts, etc.
"Dogs stink too, but I like dog stink." ~ rileyb

Maybe because they're scared of getting cut up or cussed out or worse... these people know some other very scary folks.
Originally Posted by Amneris;
You didnt say that in your OP. All of your posts up until this one seems to be centered on how much this family has to do for the kids and what is being shared among the kids. You even asked if it would be SCARRING and how scarring it would be. Almost like permission to behave this way is being sought out. Thats just not right

And I agree with whom said that the generational thing is not an issue. Stepfamilies, half siblings, blended families all go back to the dawn of time
Originally Posted by kindredspirit1983
Either you misread it or I did not express it properly, but no, that was not my intention.

I am wondering about something that HASN'T HAPPENED YET. There is no "permission to behave this way" because no one is behaving any way.... yet. I am just wondering what happens when there actually IS a situation... which there may or may not be (and I am hoping there never is but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.) I'm a "what if?" person.

I asked about the scarring not because I wanted permission but because I am concerned about the kids and if other people do what I think they might do, how will that affect the kids and how can we try to make that not happen? I love kids... I know that they don't choose their circumstances and none of this is their fault... I would never look for permission to hurt kids. I admit, I am disappointed and annoyed by the adults in the situation for even making this a situation... not the kids. I would hope I would get more credit than for being a person who wants to make the lives of little children miserable - guess not! Maybe it's my fault for not giving other people more credit, but I just have a bad feeling about this.

And this family has no recent experience with steps, blended families, etc. There were half siblings in past generations but that situation was not handled well. That's part of the reason for my concern.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I don't understand why the mother still has the kids?
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
I guess because no one has said anything because the people around her are either the same or worse and don't see anything wrong with it or because they are not prepared/don't have the means or the ability to take the kids themselves, or because they feel it is not their place/are too scared to interfere.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali












Thats what I was wondering? If the mother is really that terrible (throwing the kids around, out partying, doing drugs, carrying knives) I don't understand why this family isn't trying to pull these kids closer instead of wondering how much they really need to do?
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
Maybe because they're scared of getting cut up or cussed out or worse... these people know some other very scary folks.
Originally Posted by Amneris
For spending time with the kids and giving them money for school?

Sorry...I'm just really confused here?
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
For being associated with who she views as the "other woman" who broke up her relationship and for interfering further in her life.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











If a family member marries a man with three children from another relationship, who live with their mother (never married to the man), what are the roles of the new wife's parents, sisters, brothers and their spouses and in laws, etc? Would the children (aged between 3 and 10) likely be content with their relationship with their parents or would they want to be included in dad's in-laws' families? How scarring would it be if some family members do not accept the children and the relationship? Would the kids even know if they are living at a distance from that family? Are there certain rules or etiquette for a situation like this or particular expectations on the step relatives or is it basically the new wife's problem alone as stepmother? What are peoples' experiences who have gone through it?
Originally Posted by Amneris
if a woman married a man whose young children live with his ex-girlfriend (meaning the man is probably a weekend dad), then the woman's family, to me, do not have to go above and beyond to give these children the same priviledges as the blood children in the woman's family.

when/if the man's children come around the woman's family, they should be kind and welcoming to the children, including them in family dinners and normal family get-togethers.

but leaving these kids, who live mostly with their mother, a will or funding their college tuitions like the other blood children? in that scenario, things aren't even and no one should be pressured to make things even just so they won't appear to be mean to one set of kids. no one owes those kids anything more than kindheartedness and love.

now, if there are other circumstances involved where the woman's family over the years have cultivated a close relationship with the children and they want to (out of genuine love and kindness) want to include them in the family finances, there's nothing wrong with that. but to feel an obligation to give priviledges/perks to children with whom you aren't close and who may not come around often because they live mainly with their mother who may have issues? i'd go as far to say that it wouldn't be appropriate to involve those kids in financial matters like wills, college tuitions, trusts, etc.
Originally Posted by rainshower
YES. He's a weekend dad, IF that. Doesn't pay any child support or anything like that. And they all also live further away from the majority of the rest of the family so there would probably only be actual contact once or twice a year max. I think what you said is what I originally envisioned (be welcoming, include them in dinners, send birthday and Christmas gifts, etc.) but something someone else said made me wonder if that was enough. I think with a little time that much could happen.

I guess I do feel some pressure to "make things even" and there seems to be some of that on this thread as well. But I am not sure that I would ever see these kids in the same way as I see cousins, nieces/nephews etc. I have known from birth and whose parents I have known all or most of my life as family and it does feel pressuring to think that I would be a bad person not to. I would hope over time that we could do something to help those kids better their lives and make sure they are as happy and secure as possible, but I think it is something that would have to happen gradually given the situation.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali












Last edited by Amneris; 02-18-2009 at 07:40 AM.
rainshower's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,000
If a family member marries a man with three children from another relationship, who live with their mother (never married to the man), what are the roles of the new wife's parents, sisters, brothers and their spouses and in laws, etc? Would the children (aged between 3 and 10) likely be content with their relationship with their parents or would they want to be included in dad's in-laws' families? How scarring would it be if some family members do not accept the children and the relationship? Would the kids even know if they are living at a distance from that family? Are there certain rules or etiquette for a situation like this or particular expectations on the step relatives or is it basically the new wife's problem alone as stepmother? What are peoples' experiences who have gone through it?
Originally Posted by Amneris
if a woman married a man whose young children live with his ex-girlfriend (meaning the man is probably a weekend dad), then the woman's family, to me, do not have to go above and beyond to give these children the same priviledges as the blood children in the woman's family.

when/if the man's children come around the woman's family, they should be kind and welcoming to the children, including them in family dinners and normal family get-togethers.

but leaving these kids, who live mostly with their mother, a will or funding their college tuitions like the other blood children? in that scenario, things aren't even and no one should be pressured to make things even just so they won't appear to be mean to one set of kids. no one owes those kids anything more than kindheartedness and love.

now, if there are other circumstances involved where the woman's family over the years have cultivated a close relationship with the children and they want to (out of genuine love and kindness) want to include them in the family finances, there's nothing wrong with that. but to feel an obligation to give priviledges/perks to children with whom you aren't close and who may not come around often because they live mainly with their mother who may have issues? i'd go as far to say that it wouldn't be appropriate to involve those kids in financial matters like wills, college tuitions, trusts, etc.
Originally Posted by rainshower
YES. He's a weekend dad, IF that. Doesn't pay any child support or anything like that. And they all also live further away from the majority of the rest of the family so there would probably only be actual contact once or twice a year max. I think what you said is what I originally envisioned (be welcoming, include them in dinners, send birthday and Christmas gifts, etc.) but something someone else said made me wonder if that was enough. I think with a little time that much could happen.

I guess I do feel some pressure to "make things even" and there seems to be some of that on this thread as well. But I am not sure that I would ever see these kids in the same way as I see cousins, nieces/nephews etc. I have known from birth and whose parents I have known all or most of my life as family and it does feel pressuring to think that I would be a bad person not to. I would hope over time that we could do something to help those kids better their lives and make sure they are as happy and secure as possible, but I think it is something that would have to happen gradually given the situation.
Originally Posted by Amneris
i don't know what kind of experience you have dealing with dysfunctional parents, especially parents who were never married. but i have. and what i've seen first-hand is that many people would not take your gesture to help their kids as a kindness. they would take it as you being intrusive and presumptuous. even if your gesture would benefit them or their kids. that's another reason why i said that the woman's family leaving nonblood children in their wills and giving them other financial benefits would not be appropriate if they are estranged from the children and the mother might have issues that would make her see their intentions as anything but good.

also, when you have children who are easily manipulated by their dysfunctional parents, leaving them money is going to cause more problems when you find out that the kids gave their parents the money and it's not being used in a way that it was supposed to be used.

i'd stick with welcoming the kids when/if they do come around to visit. i'd leave the birthday cards/gift-giving to the woman who married the man. i don't even think, in the scenario that you described, that the woman's extended family are remotely familiar enough with these kids to send them cards and stuff throughout the year.

that's just my take.

ETA: i'm curious if anyone in the woman's family is counseling the man on the importance of paying child support to his children, or are they only puzzling over whether to treat his children equally with the blood children in the family? i think devoting one's energies to the bold would be more important than the latter.
"Dogs stink too, but I like dog stink." ~ rileyb

Last edited by rainshower; 02-18-2009 at 08:04 AM.
amneris, your original post is misleading in that you didn't go into the grandparents and money. You lead us to believe you were asking if the children should be treated as members of the family. The answer to that is of course they should. Whenever they are with the family they should be treated with the same kindness that any biological children are.

The grandparents paying for private schools and leaving money to children in wills is a completely separate issue. No one is every obligated to leave/give their money to anyone else. In this situation unless the grandparents decide they want to leave something to these children, which I assume wouldn't happen unless they become very fond of them, then no one should make them feel guilty about it.

But all that aside, if the children are truly living in the kind of situation you describe, the authorities should be called. To me, knowing these children are abused by a mother who throws them around and does drugs and doing nothing about that is the truly terrible thing that is happening.
I think distance vs. nearness is key. If they are in the same neighborhood or community and go to the same schools, etc., they should be treated as part of the family and included in gatherings. And if there is anything unwholesome going on in the kids' home, the more they are included the more they can be helped by a better inflience. That can help offset a bad home environment.

Inheritance-wise, that decision is totally up to the person who is doing the bequests. No rules whatever.
My blog - http://suburbanbushbabe.wordpress.com/
My FOTKI - http://whatsnew.fotki.com/suburbanbushbabe/


Playing with my hair is a hobby. Fluffy, fine natural 4a. Goal= Healthy, beautiful hair that retains its length.
Quote:
Hear that crash? It's me falling off the CG wagon.

Either you misread it or I did not express it properly, but no, that was not my intention.

I am wondering about something that HASN'T HAPPENED YET. There is no "permission to behave this way" because no one is behaving any way.... yet. I am just wondering what happens when there actually IS a situation... which there may or may not be (and I am hoping there never is but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.) I'm a "what if?" person.

I asked about the scarring not because I wanted permission but because I am concerned about the kids and if other people do what I think they might do, how will that affect the kids and how can we try to make that not happen? I love kids... I know that they don't choose their circumstances and none of this is their fault... I would never look for permission to hurt kids. I admit, I am disappointed and annoyed by the adults in the situation for even making this a situation... not the kids. I would hope I would get more credit than for being a person who wants to make the lives of little children miserable - guess not! Maybe it's my fault for not giving other people more credit, but I just have a bad feeling about this.

And this family has no recent experience with steps, blended families, etc. There were half siblings in past generations but that situation was not handled well. That's part of the reason for my concern.
Originally Posted by Amneris;
Terribly sorry! I wasnt trying to be accusatory in my tone But if the adults who created this had made better choices, would you think differently about the kids? Would they be more deserving of the family's love and affection? Would Christ ask the same questions?

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 01:22 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com