Men who don't want to have children

My husband is VERY reluctant to have kids. I think he would be perfectly content never having them. But I don't know if I will be. Granted, I like the way my life is now - being able to travel, go to concerts, sleep in whenever I want, but I still feel like there is something missing.

DH thinks kids absolutely wreck people's lives and most parents are miserable. I definitely don't think that's true for ALL parents. BUT most of my friends that have kids are always telling me how lucky I am to be able to go places, etc. But they are incredulous when I say I don't know if or when we will have kids...like it should be a given that everyone must reproduce. Uh okay. I think it's fine if people choose not to have kids.

I'm just worried about the loneliness factor...sometimes I daydream about being a grandmother with all the little kids running around. What do people do when they get old and everyone they know is gone? I'm not the most social person so I think I would probably be lonely without family. But, yeah, I know MANY people have kids that never visit them, so that would be sad too...sorry my post is getting depressing. I'll stop now.
Originally Posted by lacunaCoils
I have these thoughts since the odds of my having biological children are in low to negative numbers at this point based on my age, pickiness/being perpetually single, being extremely ambivalent about bearing/birthing and raising children, etc..

For you, it might make sense to consider adoption which would continue family if not bloodline.

As for me and others like me, I am very engaged with my friend's kids and hope to be an aunt someday. I also plan to a do a lot of international travel in my older years and to try and maintain an active career as long as possible, and after that volunteering and docent work. I hope to be a mentor to young people as I get older and already am to some degree. In other words, I hope to stay in touch and relevant to young people as I get older and older. We'll see how that goes but I don't envision it as lonely. There are too many schools, communities, families and friends in need of people with attention, interest and affection to share, not to mention an intellectual connection. Hopefully I'll be ok.

Hope you come to peace with your situation.

WILDHAIR-

I hear you and good luck. Makes sense to just enjoy it and see where it leads..
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
I'm sorry I misunderstood.
There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned up the sun.
I'm sorry I misunderstood.
Originally Posted by cynaminbear
Nah, no need to apologize, you didn't misunderstand. It was very up in the air all day, both of us mulling it over, trying to figure out what to do.

This all just came down on Thursday evening, so my inital post was very ambiguous, and for a reason.

BTW, lest anyone think I'm hoodwinking him: he is completely aware of all of this and has his own concerns about it. He's worried I'm going to get hurt, and he doesn't want to do that to me.

We'll see.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
I was dating someone for awhile who doesn't want kids -- he's already had a vasectomy. I'm quite sure I do want kids (with the right person). When I told him this he said, "there's no problem then, because you're not 100% sure".

The way he said it, I knew he wasn't worried about me getting hurt or concerned about what I want. He dismissed it.

There were plenty of other issues, but this was particularly eye-opening for me. He was all about himself. It kind of frightened me, actually.

So, wild~hair, he sounds like a good guy, even if you aren't on the same page about having kids.

Good luck -- it's a tough situation to be in.
"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it" ~ Bill Cosby
I have a good friend who always wanted kids when we were single. She really looked forward to being a mom. Then she met a man who was perfect for her in every way, except that he did not want kids. Ever. She had to make a decision whether she wanted to give him up on the chance that she might meet somebody later who was just as great as this guy, and also wanted kids. It was a tough decision, but she went with the guy. They've been married 10+ years and are very happy. As long as you own your decision and never think for a moment that he might someday change his mind, you'll be fine.
So, wild~hair, he sounds like a good guy, even if you aren't on the same page about having kids.
Originally Posted by leenie
He really is, and we're also connected on some very deep issues we've both faced.

There's a lot of reasons to see this through to some sort of conclusion, which is why we're going ahead, I think.

Thanks.
As long as you own your decision and never think for a moment that he might someday change his mind, you'll be fine.
Originally Posted by mrspoppers
Good advice.

I do not function well with any sort of dishonesty in myself or in my life, so if I'm not feeling 100% okay about it, I will move on.
Hope all goes well for you!
Originally Posted by lacunaCoils
You too!
The only man I know of who didn't want kids and went on to have them anyway was my father-in-law. Of course, my husband heard this from his mother, during a very painful divorce from his dad.

I suspect that what she said was true. My FIL worked as a music teacher and gave private lessons at home, after school. He took a break for dinner and then went back to giving lessons. His 3 kids never really saw him. The only fond memories my husband has of his dad are summers off and traveling throughout the U.S., in their camper.

After the parents divorced (my husband, the youngest child, was 18 ), FIL married the 15 years younger trophy wife who never had any children. They lead a perfect life and travel a lot. I think it's the life FIL always wanted. As mediocre a dad he was, he's just as mediocre as a grandfather. He's not one of those grandparents that is chomping at the bit, to see his grandkids. He's more concerned with making sure they're receiving a religious education and attending church on Sunday. We try not to be resentful of him and his very little involvment. We just try to accept him for who he is.

But all that to say that some men might change their minds but it sometimes shows that they were reluctant to begin with. That's not such a good thing for their children.

I realize this is foolish. I'm usually very cautious and smart about this stuff. But I've been entirely on my own for the last 8+ years and I'm really, really, really sick of it.

I've done the whole working on myself thing. I'm really social, meet new people all the time, no problem striking up conversations with people at the coffee shop or whatever. But it just doesn't seem to be happening for me. There just aren't that many men in my age group who are actually single and interested/interesting.

We get along really well. We've been friends for a long time, lots of ups and downs and we still like each other and want to spend time together. We know how to communicate with each other without it going haywire.

All the pieces are in place, except for that one. I realize it's a big one, but if I hold out for the perfect guy who also wants kids, he might never show up. Then I'll really be alone.

I will reassess at some point. I will probably get hurt. Or maybe I'm just being terribly pragmatic.

BTW, lest anyone think I'm hoodwinking him: he is completely aware of all of this and has his own concerns about it. He's worried I'm going to get hurt, and he doesn't want to do that to me.

We'll see.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
I don't think you're foolish at all. I can see why you're a little concerned about being hurt, but everything else I bolded sounds really healthy. In healthy relationships, I think couples help each other to find what they need to be fulfilled, even if they disagree on key decisions.

His opinion might change. Your opinion might change. The key is if you will support/nurture each other no matter what. If the relationship is promising, I don't think there is anything foolish about choosing to stay in it rather than go searching for "the perfect one" who will want everything you want, including kids.
I hope nobody thinks I'm generalizing about men. I know there are all kinds of people who don't want kids, and I made mention of that in my OP.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
No, of course not, you didn't sound like that at all.

Actually, I know you're stinging about this, but I think there are plenty of men out there who do indeed want kids. I met my boyfriend on Match.com, and one of the very big issues is that you have to let them know if you want kids, don't want kids, or aren't sure yet - that goes into who they try to match you up with. As for my BF and me - I never wanted kids. He wanted kids at one point in his life, but now he's changed camps - he's 46, and just doesn't feel the desire to start a family at his age, so it worked out for both of us.

But here's why I say you should still take heart: for whatever reason or another, when I was still on Match, they kept sending me profiles for guys who wanted kids. Tons of them! I was like, "Hello, have you not read my profile?" And it wasn't just the automated Match system - a lot of guys who still wanted kids on their own would contact me. So I do think, honestly, there are more guys out there than you think who still want children.

Also, in my younger days - my 20s and 30s, when everyone in the world would tell me, "Oh, you'll change your mind and want kids someday!" - there were quite a few relationships of mine that came to an end because the guy wanted children and I didn't. So y'know, again - things may look up, I think there are more hopeful-would-be-daddies out there than you think.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting Match - I'm just using that as an example of how many guys I see out there who actually do want kids (so they say, anyway). And since I see that you and your BF have decided to move forward and see where it goes, good luck! I'm just saying - men can change their minds just as easily as anyone else (my BF being a perfect example). And if things don't work out with this guy (I hope they do), he's not the only guy out there. There are plenty who would probably be on the same page as you.
CG since 1/09. Protein and Mag Sulfate sensitive.
Hair Type - 3A.
Co-wash - Jane Carter Solution Nutrient Replenishing Conditioner.
Low-poo as needed - Beautiful Curls Curl Enhancing Shampoo.
Cond./Leave-In - Beautiful Curls Curl Enhancing Shea Butter Leave-In Conditioner.
Stylers - Jane Carter Solution Condition and Sculpt; Beautiful Curls Curl Defining Gel.

Last edited by LisaF1163; 02-22-2009 at 11:58 AM.
I don't want kids. Having kids would remove my free time and my sleep, both of which I like. I just never felt that "cosmic urge" that everyone talks about that supposedly outweighs the need for free time and sleep.

Funny, once when I went to a therapist for relationship issues she started digging to see if there was any childhood trauma that caused me to not want kids. No, actually I just like my independence and my free time.

I like being able to head out the door on a whim and go on a three-hour long bike ride by myself if I feel like it, with no forethought and no need for babysitter-arrangements.

I'm totally OK with other people carrying on the gene pool. It's not like we will run out of Einsteins or go extinct if I personally do not reproduce.
I don't want kids. Having kids would remove my free time and my sleep, both of which I like. I just never felt that "cosmic urge" that everyone talks about that supposedly outweighs the need for free time and sleep.

Funny, once when I went to a therapist for relationship issues she started digging to see if there was any childhood trauma that caused me to not want kids. No, actually I just like my independence and my free time.

I like being able to head out the door on a whim and go on a three-hour long bike ride by myself if I feel like it, with no forethought and no need for babysitter-arrangements.

I'm totally OK with other people carrying on the gene pool. It's not like we will run out of Einsteins or go extinct if I personally do not reproduce.
Originally Posted by tmmy_cat
Be my best friend? Or better yet, I'll PM you my mother's phone number so YOU can talk to her...
CG since 1/09. Protein and Mag Sulfate sensitive.
Hair Type - 3A.
Co-wash - Jane Carter Solution Nutrient Replenishing Conditioner.
Low-poo as needed - Beautiful Curls Curl Enhancing Shampoo.
Cond./Leave-In - Beautiful Curls Curl Enhancing Shea Butter Leave-In Conditioner.
Stylers - Jane Carter Solution Condition and Sculpt; Beautiful Curls Curl Defining Gel.
Funny, once when I went to a therapist for relationship issues she started digging to see if there was any childhood trauma that caused me to not want kids. No, actually I just like my independence and my free time.

I like being able to head out the door on a whim and go on a three-hour long bike ride by myself if I feel like it, with no forethought and no need for babysitter-arrangements.

I'm totally OK with other people carrying on the gene pool. It's not like we will run out of Einsteins or go extinct if I personally do not reproduce.
Originally Posted by tmmy_cat

Yup, I've known since I was 7 I didn't want kids, and I too have had therapists dig and pursue, like there's something wrong with that and that was the basis of my problems. I've heard it all... "you'll change your mind", "there's something...well, WRONG with you", I've even heard... "maybe you're a lesbian??", , and my favorite was my doctor who wouldn't give me a tubal - at 35!! We compromised and I waited 2 years.

So here I am, 2 months shy of 40.... still zero urge.
But they are incredulous when I say I don't know if or when we will have kids...like it should be a given that everyone must reproduce. Uh okay. I think it's fine if people choose not to have kids.
Originally Posted by lacunaCoils
ITA. A little while ago, someone at my workplace actually had the nerve to say that it is selfish for people not to want to have kids. Ummm.....that is just beyond ridiculous. Plenty of people have children for selfish reasons and there are selfish parents out there that don't take care of their kids.

As for me, before DH and I got married, neither of us was interested in kids. As of a couple of years ago, DH changed his mine. I had not. We talked, and it was quite upsetting to me at the time. He has not put any pressure on me at all, but I feel that is certainly not out of the realm of possibilities. I don't have a strong urge, but there are times when I find myself thinking that it would be nice to have children. I often ask myself "why?". Why do people want kids? I worry sometimes that 10 years down the road it will be too late and I'll regret not having them. I dunno what I want to do....
Formerly ladyjag123
The guys I've encountered want children but I am unsure and not big on it. In fact a couple of them strongly desired to have children.
Yes I would say that the ratio of men I know/knew who are scared/resistant to the idea of children vs. the men who are "gung-ho WOo-hoo...KIDS!" is MUCH higher.

That being said, the majority of them all were delighted when the babies were born, and love fatherhood.

As long as you own your decision and never think for a moment that he might someday change his mind, you'll be fine.
That's good advice and I totally concur. Also to add to that point -- IF you choose the "Man" over "babies" just be as certain (as much as you can, being that it's impossible to predict the future!) that you won't resent him further down the road.

Good luck to you, I know that can be a tricky situation to manueaver.
As for me and others like me, I am very engaged with my friend's kids and hope to be an aunt someday. I also plan to a do a lot of international travel in my older years and to try and maintain an active career as long as possible, and after that volunteering and docent work. I hope to be a mentor to young people as I get older and already am to some degree. In other words, I hope to stay in touch and relevant to young people as I get older and older. We'll see how that goes but I don't envision it as lonely. There are too many schools, communities, families and friends in need of people with attention, interest and affection to share, not to mention an intellectual connection. Hopefully I'll be ok.

Hope you come to peace with your situation.
Originally Posted by love yourself first
Thank you for such a lovely post!
Gretchen
NaturallyCurly.com co-founder
3A

You are beautiful!
As for me and others like me, I am very engaged with my friend's kids and hope to be an aunt someday. I also plan to a do a lot of international travel in my older years and to try and maintain an active career as long as possible, and after that volunteering and docent work. I hope to be a mentor to young people as I get older and already am to some degree. In other words, I hope to stay in touch and relevant to young people as I get older and older. We'll see how that goes but I don't envision it as lonely. There are too many schools, communities, families and friends in need of people with attention, interest and affection to share, not to mention an intellectual connection. Hopefully I'll be ok.

Hope you come to peace with your situation.
Originally Posted by love yourself first
Thank you for such a lovely post!
Originally Posted by Gretchen
Awww, thanks Gretchen
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
As for me and others like me, I am very engaged with my friend's kids and hope to be an aunt someday. I also plan to a do a lot of international travel in my older years and to try and maintain an active career as long as possible, and after that volunteering and docent work. I hope to be a mentor to young people as I get older and already am to some degree. In other words, I hope to stay in touch and relevant to young people as I get older and older. We'll see how that goes but I don't envision it as lonely. There are too many schools, communities, families and friends in need of people with attention, interest and affection to share, not to mention an intellectual connection. Hopefully I'll be ok.

Hope you come to peace with your situation.
Originally Posted by love yourself first
Thank you for such a lovely post!
Originally Posted by Gretchen
Awww, thanks Gretchen
Originally Posted by love yourself first
Yes I appreciate your post too. It goes to show that people can lead a fulfilling, happy life without having children. I love being an aunt and spoiling the kids, but it is nice to be able to hand them back!
2b/2c Henndigo curls
Currently using: Deva low-poo and OC, KCKT/KCCC, JCCC, & BRHG. + Curlease towel
Also have had success with: CK, FSG, KBB, AOHR, Nature's Gate Conditioner.

pw: curlygirl

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:45 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com