Go Back   CurlTalk > Life > Non-hair discussion

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-21-2009, 12:33 PM   #1
 
wild~hair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 10,942
Default Men who don't want to have children

I'm going through a situation where I thought this guy I was seeing wanted kids like I do, either bio or via adoption [since I'm on the older side]. Turns out, he really, really does not.

Oh well, right?

Anyway, while going through this drama, it has occurred to me that quite a few of the fathers I know IRL were pretty heavily reluctant at some point, to say the least. Some held out for years, including a friend whose SO just gave birth a few months ago.

I did a mental tally and it's at least a third of the dads in my life, and those are the ones I actually know about.

All of them, to a person, are very happy now, from the looks of it, with their father status.

I am not holding out for anything here with this fellow. I have no desire to try to change him, I don't play that game.

And I respect people who don't want children. This isn't about that either.

But I am curious: how many guys do you know who fall into this category. Is it as common as I think it is? And what makes guys do this flip flopping?

It's something I've never given much thought to, before this. I always thought of a guy I was seeing not wanting kids as a dealbreaker, but then I inadvertently got caught up in a conflict with it.

I think it's a very odd thing that so many are opposed and then apparently change their mind … or have their minds changed for them?

ETA: And I don't really want to hear from people whose DHs/SOs were all gung ho from the start. I'm still smarting a little here, so as much as I am happy for you, I don't really want to hear about all that right now. TIA.

Last edited by wild~hair; 02-21-2009 at 01:42 PM.
wild~hair is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 12:42 PM   #2
 
afrosheenqueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Posts: 6,763
Default

My last relationship ended because of that same issue. He already had one child and had even said someday he would like another. Then later he changed his mind. I think he wants to have more children just not with me.

I know of another man who did not want marriage or children. Caved in on marriage and eventually had children with this woman although he was in his 50's by that time. We as women have a time tables.

I think there are men who recognize the responsibilites of fatherhood and don't think can do it or want to go throught it. On the opposite end is men who don't care and have many babies with mutiple women.
__________________
4a/b Texlaxed hair w/ highlights. Medium texture & high porosity.

HG's: CJ Daily Fix, Bobeam Cheris Hibiscus shampoo bar, KC Spiral Spritz, Knot Today, CJ Rehab, KBB LL Hair Mask, Cassia, KCCC, oil blend of Avocado, Camellia, Jojoba, & Meadowfoam oils

SL APL BSL MBL

Last edited by afrosheenqueen; 02-21-2009 at 01:07 PM.
afrosheenqueen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 01:04 PM   #3
 
love yourself first's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 10,699
Default

Parenthood is a huge responsibility and changes lifestyle more than probably any other thing (except maybe health conditions or job issues). I think that some men aren't eager to have children take more of a starring relationship or role in households and in their wife's attention. And the stories of sex life dropping off (at least for a while) are legendary. I also know a lot of guys who want nothing more than to be fathers and look forward to it from a young age and are awesome fathers (my own father is like that). So, there are all types.

I'm kind of glad for some men not wanting kids though. For me, it would remove pressure..
__________________
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
love yourself first is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 01:30 PM   #4
 
guinness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 726
Default

My bf does not want children (and he's close to 40). I don't either, so it works out. Every now and then I worry about the opposite of your situation, that he'll change his mind and want kids.

I know lots of men do eventually change camps...My brother and my ex are examples. I think it was a timing issue for both of them, meeting the right person, and growing up. Both of them nearly mid-40s before their first child. It happens
guinness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 01:45 PM   #5
 
cympreni's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 8,026
Default

I don't think it's just men that fall into that category. Many women never want kids either, and some change their mind some don't. DH and I didn't want kids or marriage ever, and we see how that worked out. People change their mind, some don't. That's how it is with everything. Some people just don't like kids, some don't want the responsibility.
cympreni is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 01:49 PM   #6
 
wild~hair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 10,942
Default

I hope nobody thinks I'm generalizing about men. I know there are all kinds of people who don't want kids, and I made mention of that in my OP.
wild~hair is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 02:13 PM   #7
 
meryn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 5,602
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by wild~hair View Post
I hope nobody thinks I'm generalizing about men. I know there are all kinds of people who don't want kids, and I made mention of that in my OP.

I never got that from your OP.

In my life, MOST of the men I know - relatives, friends, etc. were either lukewarm, very reluctant to have children, or flat out don't want them. However, I am child-free by choice, so it may just be the company I keep!

I could count on one hand, the number of men I know that were very intent on becoming fathers.
meryn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 02:21 PM   #8
 
RedCatWaves's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 31,609
Default

I think men (in general), don't have as strong of a parenting urge as women do (in general). (There are many exceptions of course). A lot more men than women seem to be reluctant to have children. Even some men who say they want children, can change their minds after the fact. I have 2 ex-husbands who originally said they wanted children, but then proceeded to completely ignore and have absolutely no involvement in my sons' lives to prove my theory. I know women have done this also, but it seems to be more common that some men are able to ignore their offspring quite easily.

I learned my lesson (albeit a bit late): be careful to whom you expose your precious eggs.
RedCatWaves is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 02:22 PM   #9
 
sarah42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,588
Default

My husband was a little bit like that. He was OK with me wanting kids someday, but I think he would have been perfectly content not to have any. Our first baby was a surprise pregnancy. He stepped up to the role and is a very happy and proud father now.
__________________
sarah42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 02:30 PM   #10
 
subbrock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 9,312
Send a message via AIM to subbrock
Default

my SO was kind of like that.before i got pregnant he kept saying how he wanted a baby with me so bad and all that jazz. the very first dr. appointment after finding out i was pregnant, he told me that he didnt even like kids. i cried right then and there (for obvious reasons).

i dont know if he was lying or really didnt know how he felt about children, but hes always been wonderful to our nieces and nephews. and the second our daughter came into this world he fell in love with her.

i think many guys say that they dont want kids because they are content with their lifestyle of being single and kid free. i dont think they have the capacity (for lack of a better word) to foresee how a child could add to their life rather than take away from it.
subbrock is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 03:47 PM   #11
 
Gemini13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 5,869
Default

Personally I haven't witnessed this. Out of my friends and acquaintances, it's more common for the man to want to start a family before their SO is ready. Granted, if the women were raring to go, who knows how the guys would feel about it, lol.
__________________
Brooklyn, NY

Hair: 3A/B, Underlayer of 2B
HG products:
Winter- Giovanni Tea Tree (co-wash) & 50/50 (condish); Curl Junkie Curl Assurance Leave-In; Curls Milkshake & Quenched Curls; Re:coil; BRHG
Summer: DevaCurl No Poo & OneC; CK; Re:coil; BRHG; Honey!!!

fotki pw= crrrls
Gemini13 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 05:03 PM   #12
 
Trenell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 5,295
Default

My husband knew for a fact that he wanted kids. I, on the other hand, would changemy mind every other day. when I found out that I was pregnant, he was more excited than I
__________________


Blog
Trenell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 05:06 PM   #13
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 41,043
Default

Yeah, hubby would have more, but I put the kibosh on that...
I think it's just much easier for the guy & I knew most of the responsibility would fall on me, so...
Code:
I'm a wimp, I know...lol
WileE-Dead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 05:42 PM   #14
 
Snarls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,346
Default

It's a mixed bag. I know several men who did not want children, but also did not want to be responsible for birth control and ended up with children. Some became very responsible, loving fathers and others essentially walked away from their children.

Most of the men I know who don't or didn't want kids just didn't want the lifestyle or the responsibility. A few didn't think they would make good parents.

It seems to me that often when men say that they don't want children, they mean that they don't want to raise children right now, maybe not in the future, but for sure not now.

I do know a few women who don't want to have kids, but their husband does, or who don't want to have more kids (hubbie does). They usually had difficult pregnancies or aren't as comfortable in the role of parent as they thought they would be.

I also know a surprising number of men who really wanted to raise a family and have children. Go figure.
__________________
formerly Castella
(my dogs aren't snarly, my hair is)
Snarls is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 05:56 PM   #15
 
Cynaminbear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 9,084
Default

I think I know of only 2 men who didn't want kids. Neither have married and are well into their 40s or early 50s. All the other men I know/knew want(ed) kids but not always right away.
I'm sorry your relationship is over because of this. I respect that you won't compromise or ask your boyfriend to compromise.
__________________
There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned up the sun.
Cynaminbear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 06:15 PM   #16
 
mrspoppers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 15,369
Default

I've known quite a few men who didn't want kids, but ended up with them later. A couple of them really did change their minds on their own, but not the majority. The majority of them changed their minds because either their wives nagged them until they broke down or there was an accident and they were forced to step up. After they had them, they were happy (and usually had another), but it wasn't their first choice.

On the other hand, I can think of more dads who, once they have a couple kids, would have more if their wives agreed, than wives who want more.

When we got married, my husband and I were adamantly opposed to having kids. That said, I think if we had met and married at a younger age, we probably would have ended up with one. By the time we were at a place where we could afford a child, I was 40 and we decided we should stay childless.
mrspoppers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 08:04 PM   #17
 
wild~hair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 10,942
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by cynaminbear View Post
I respect that you won't compromise or ask your boyfriend to compromise.
It's not over. We just talked and we're moving forward.

I realize this is foolish. I'm usually very cautious and smart about this stuff. But I've been entirely on my own for the last 8+ years and I'm really, really, really sick of it.

I've done the whole working on myself thing. I'm really social, meet new people all the time, no problem striking up conversations with people at the coffee shop or whatever. But it just doesn't seem to be happening for me. There just aren't that many men in my age group who are actually single and interested/interesting.

We get along really well. We've been friends for a long time, lots of ups and downs and we still like each other and want to spend time together. We know how to communicate with each other without it going haywire.

All the pieces are in place, except for that one. I realize it's a big one, but if I hold out for the perfect guy who also wants kids, he might never show up. Then I'll really be alone.

I will reassess at some point. I will probably get hurt. Or maybe I'm just being terribly pragmatic.

BTW, lest anyone think I'm hoodwinking him: he is completely aware of all of this and has his own concerns about it. He's worried I'm going to get hurt, and he doesn't want to do that to me.

We'll see.
wild~hair is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 08:15 PM   #18
 
lacunaCoils's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 487
Default

My husband is VERY reluctant to have kids. I think he would be perfectly content never having them. But I don't know if I will be. Granted, I like the way my life is now - being able to travel, go to concerts, sleep in whenever I want, but I still feel like there is something missing.

DH thinks kids absolutely wreck people's lives and most parents are miserable. I definitely don't think that's true for ALL parents. BUT most of my friends that have kids are always telling me how lucky I am to be able to go places, etc. But they are incredulous when I say I don't know if or when we will have kids...like it should be a given that everyone must reproduce. Uh okay. I think it's fine if people choose not to have kids.

I'm just worried about the loneliness factor...sometimes I daydream about being a grandmother with all the little kids running around. What do people do when they get old and everyone they know is gone? I'm not the most social person so I think I would probably be lonely without family. But, yeah, I know MANY people have kids that never visit them, so that would be sad too...sorry my post is getting depressing. I'll stop now.
__________________
2b/2c Henndigo curls
Currently using: Deva low-poo and OC, KCKT/KCCC, JCCC, & BRHG. + Curlease towel
Also have had success with: CK, FSG, KBB, AOHR, Nature's Gate Conditioner.

pw: curlygirl

lacunaCoils is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 08:16 PM   #19
 
lacunaCoils's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 487
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by wild~hair View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by cynaminbear View Post
I respect that you won't compromise or ask your boyfriend to compromise.
It's not over. We just talked and we're moving forward.

I realize this is foolish. I'm usually very cautious and smart about this stuff. But I've been entirely on my own for the last 8+ years and I'm really, really, really sick of it.

I've done the whole working on myself thing. I'm really social, meet new people all the time, no problem striking up conversations with people at the coffee shop or whatever. But it just doesn't seem to be happening for me. There just aren't that many men in my age group who are actually single and interested/interesting.

We get along really well. We've been friends for a long time, lots of ups and downs and we still like each other and want to spend time together. We know how to communicate with each other without it going haywire.

All the pieces are in place, except for that one. I realize it's a big one, but if I hold out for the perfect guy who also wants kids, he might never show up. Then I'll really be alone.

I will reassess at some point. I will probably get hurt. Or maybe I'm just being terribly pragmatic.

BTW, lest anyone think I'm hoodwinking him: he is completely aware of all of this and has his own concerns about it. He's worried I'm going to get hurt, and he doesn't want to do that to me.

We'll see.
Hope all goes well for you!
__________________
2b/2c Henndigo curls
Currently using: Deva low-poo and OC, KCKT/KCCC, JCCC, & BRHG. + Curlease towel
Also have had success with: CK, FSG, KBB, AOHR, Nature's Gate Conditioner.

pw: curlygirl

lacunaCoils is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 08:24 PM   #20
 
BrewCrewGrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 421
Default

My Dh, before we got married always said that he wanted kids. Fast forward, we got married and I brought up children and he stated he never wanted to have children, to say I was livid was an understatement! At the time I was in nursing school so I dropped it knowing that I was not ready to have children myself at that point in time.

After my Dad died, DH said that he was ready and I needed to quit taking my birth control. Of course you never know how life is going to turn out, for all of my years of worrying that he would never say yes, we have fertility issues and have been given a very slight chance of ever having children.

I can only speak for my DH, but it wasn't really that he didn't want to have children ever, it was his way of saying not now and that he wasn't ready. But I think it is better to know right away how he feels and then base your decisions on his honesty, because the way my DH did it (telling me never after marrying me) I would not recommend for either of you!
__________________
http://public.fotki.com/BrewCrewGrl/

The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be- Konrad Lorenz
BrewCrewGrl is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Trending Topics[-]hide

Thread Tools
Display Modes



Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:53 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com