I'm So Sorry but Please Help Me

Third time he did this again. A week later she had a stroke that has left her paralyzed for life on the right side. The doctors said that it was likely caused by the repeated strangling. They can't be 100% certain, but there are very few resons an otherwise healthy 20 year-old has a stroke.
Originally Posted by newcurly


Good point. Any injury to the neck that causes bruises is serious enough to cause real damage to the important blood vessels that run through the neck. One time of near-strangling should be enough to end any relationship. Any man who does this one time, will do it again, and again, and again. I don't care if the woman thinks "he didn't mean it". He did it. He meant it.
Men don't abuse one time. They do it first time. Then the second.

I'm glad your friend came over. This is so not your fault. If he was in insulin shock, would you ignore it or you call 911? If you care about him, you want him to change and get better. That will only happen if someone intervenes. Report it and let him face the consequences so he can learn.
I'm glad you called your friend. That shows that you are willing to reach out for help and that will make a huge difference in your life as you work through this.

Keep reaching out! And you can lean on us, too.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
I know I haven't been in the exact same situation, but I was with a guy who verbally and emotionally abused me for a year and a half. I don't know if it would have ever turned physical, but I'm betting it might have because he had once said that he thought in some instances it was okay for a man to hit a woman. You need to get out of this situation fast and get as far away from him as possible. I'm not saying you have to move, but you need to cut ties, contacts etc, even with his friends. He's got you convinced this is your fault and it isn't, that's how abusive people work. Every problem that came up in my relationship with my ex was my fault, according to him, I was the one who needed to change, I caused him to lie because I was unreasonable and the list goes on. The sad thing is I started to believe it, and I let him beat me down until I was nothing like the person he had started dating. I wanted to break up with him, but didn't think I had the strength and I was literally praying to God to help me, because I was afraid I would never get out. Thankfully an opportunity presented itself in a big way and I got the hell out and the hell away from him. You need to do the same. Right now it might hurt to think about, and you may be tempted to go back, but when you look back on it you will be so happy you got out. We've been broken up almost a year and a half and I have to say that the decision to break up with him was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

You deserve to be with someone who would never think of putting his hands around your neck like that. You don't deserve someone who has you convinced that when he behaves badly it's somehow your fault. Don't buy that crap, don't let yourself believe it for a minute. Trust me, although our situations are different, I see myself so much in the words you've written and I know those feelings. Get out, it's the best thing for you. He needs help you can't give him. I learned a long time ago you can't save anyone, people have to want to save themselves.
I'm just so scared to be without him, I first fell in love with this man 8 years ago and it's always been hard because of his depression but I actually wanted him to be my family. I'm so scared now and the house feels so empty and typically I'm on annual leave from work so I haven't even got that to distract myself.
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But you deserve way better than this!

I know it's very hard right now, but things will improve. Stay strong.

It would help if you could find something to occupy yourself while you're on leave. A hobby, or volunteering. Is there anything like that?
I'm just so scared to be without him, I first fell in love with this man 8 years ago and it's always been hard because of his depression but I actually wanted him to be my family. I'm so scared now and the house feels so empty and typically I'm on annual leave from work so I haven't even got that to distract myself.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
I know how you feel, I wanted my ex in my life, I wanted him to be a part of my life and maybe one day be my husband, but it just wasn't right. I had to think of what would happen to any future children. Would I want them to have to deal with his actions, his lies, his verbal/emotional abuse and the answer was no. Think in those terms, say you had children, would you as their mother be okay with him grabbing them around the throat, or raising his hand at them in anger? Someone earlier on this thread made a good point, imagine if this was your best friend or your sister telling you this story, what would you tell her to do. You need to be your own best friend in this situation. Feelings tend to cloud our better judgement but I believe deep down you know what you should do, I did the whole time all the crap with my ex was going on. I knew deep down I should get out, and didn't.
Honey, where are you? Are you in the UK? You said he went to his "Mum's" and you left your "flat" - are there any posters from the UK who can send domestic violence hotlines and contacts her way? What city are you in?

Look, you need to file a police report. Many times, abused women are made to think it was their fault, that they provoked him, etc. This was not your fault. He has no right to put his hands on your throat. And if he's suffering from depression and has a father with abusive tendencies, you need to get away from him, and he needs to get help. There's no two ways about it.

Please let us know how you are today - we're all worried about you, as you can see.
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How did you get past it? Did you feel like it was your fault? I just can't stop worrying about him.
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i'm not an expert in domestic abuse, but i find it hard to believe that it starts off with strangulation. are you sure you haven't been on the receiving end of shoving, pushing, or slapping that has led up to him putting his hands around your neck?

if you are certain that it was his depression that caused him to lash out at you, and you won't call the police, will you reach out to his family to express your concern for his well being? is he on medication and seeking therapy throughout his depression? if not, he needs to. and if he is, maybe he needs to adjust his medication or get a different one, or maybe he needs a different doctor whose sessions he'll be more receptive to.

it doesn't sound like the two of you have had the healthiest or happiest of relationships during all these years. separating is obviously something that you need to consider. and if he's not showing a willingness to get better by way of medication, therapy, and if he doesn't have solid family support, you may even want to consider just walking away from him altogether. what good could you possibly be to him or anyone if you are permanently injured or dead?

you and he are in my thoughts and prayers.
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How did you get past it? Did you feel like it was your fault? I just can't stop worrying about him.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
You are not the problem.

You can't help him, change him, or save him. Quite honestly, I think he has greater issues than depression. He's dangerous to be around, and your first priority is to keep yourself safe. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but ending up in hospital with god knows what kind of injuries is going to hurt a lot worse than missing him does.
The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics - Thomas Sowell
You are not the problem.

You can't help him, change him, or save him. Quite honestly, I think he has greater issues than depression. He's dangerous to be around, and your first priority is to keep yourself safe. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but ending up in hospital with god knows what kind of injuries is going to hurt a lot worse than missing him does.
Originally Posted by Scarlet
Truer words have never been spoken.

Please let us know what city you're in - we can try to find domestic violence hotline numbers and contacts to help you. And please get away from him, now. He needs professional help, and you can't give that to him. And you need to get out for your own safety.
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You are not the problem.

You can't help him, change him, or save him. Quite honestly, I think he has greater issues than depression. He's dangerous to be around, and your first priority is to keep yourself safe. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but ending up in hospital with god knows what kind of injuries is going to hurt a lot worse than missing him does.
Originally Posted by Scarlet
Yes, and yes again.
Did some detective work. This domestic abuse hotline should work for your location: 0800 6949 999

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to what these ladies are telling you. I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I've been in an emotionally abusive one. Like Amandacurls said, it's perfect normal to feel responsible but ITS NOT THE TRUTH.

There is nothing you can say or do that makes it ok for someone to treat you this way. You're worth infinitely more than that. Please stay away from him, and get help.
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How did you get past it? Did you feel like it was your fault? I just can't stop worrying about him.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
Yeah, a lot of times I felt like it was all my fault and if I didn't gripe and didn't have an opinion, or ask to see him too much or expect too much out of him (like the truth), then it would all be smooth sailing, but it would have never worked. He didn't love me for who I was or he wouldn't have tried to change me or beat me down. You have to come to that realization, his actions aren't your fault. You could yell and scream at him all you want and nag him and push his buttons and he still has no right to raise his hand at you or put his hands around your throat.

None of this is your fault. Normal men do not hit, normal men do not abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal or whatever. If you are being abused it is not normal and the problem is with that person, not you. I used to make the same excuses, "well if I wouldn't do x he wouldn't do y" but that's not true. No one dictates your actions but you.

My ex had a hard childhood, and his life was pretty unhappy. His parents never wanted kids, and they weren't emotionally invested. They did their own things and never worried too much about being present in their kids lives. They were both very much wrapped up in their own problems. His father was this unemotional guy who was just there, his mother left them on 3 different occasions, one time she was gone for 3 years. Everyone he ever loved was either emotionally unavailable or left him. I didn't want to leave him because I knew everyone else had. I thought I could help him, that if someone he actually loved stuck around and saw through the crap that he would be better. Instead he used me for his emotional punching bag. All the bad feelings he had about himself he took out on me. He felt inferior to me because I had a degree and a good job, I never bragged about it AT ALL, and I didn't care he didn't have his degree, but he almost made me feel bad for it.

Trust me when I tell you that no matter how much you love him and want to support him, it won't change who he is. He has to love himself enough to change, my ex couldn't ever. When we broke up he was in the firemans academy and was on his way to a good job. Since then he dropped out, has been arrested for marijuana possession and from what I hear is on probation and has joined a biker gang, etc. And someone could argue that had I stayed with him his life might be better BUT that was not up to me, and I refuse to believe that any of that is my fault. And it's not up to you, and its not your fault. No matter what happens to him, it is not your fault, you are not responsible. You can't save someone who is bent on self destruction, they have to want to save themselves.
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Amanda, it is very brave of you to tell your story here, and I hope it helps the OP. Thank you.
Everyone's advice has been excellent. Here are some UK hotline numbers from SIARI:

UK and Ireland Helplines Emergency Services 999
National helpline numbers and websites (where applicable)


Suicide Helplines UK and Ireland

United Kingdom

08457 90 90 90


Ireland

1850 60 90 90

The Samaritans
http://www.suicide-helplines.org/uk.htm


Self-Injury Helpline

0117 925 1119
Bristol Crisis Service for Women

http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/helpline.htm

24 Hour
National Domestic
Violence Helpline
0808 2000 247
Womens Aid

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/help/national_helpline.htm

Telephone Helplines Association
http://www.helplines.org.uk/

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Amanda, thank you so much for your bravery in telling me that, you have no idea how much that has helped, you said so many things in there that are just how I've felt, especially about him feeling inferior, I have a job and a mortgage and he works part time and that seemed to bother him, it didn't matter to me.

And thank you for finding that number for me, I promise you all I'll talk to someone about it.
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Amanda, thank you so much for your bravery in telling me that, you have no idea how much that has helped, you said so many things in there that are just how I've felt, especially about him feeling inferior, I have a job and a mortgage and he works part time and that seemed to bother him, it didn't matter to me.

And thank you for finding that number for me, I promise you all I'll talk to someone about it.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
Are you able to take pictures, or have a friend take pictures of the bruises on your neck?

ETA: For no other reason you could keep them as a reminder of why you shouldn't be with him or go back to him.
How did you get past it? Did you feel like it was your fault? I just can't stop worrying about him.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
I'm just so scared to be without him, I first fell in love with this man 8 years ago and it's always been hard because of his depression but I actually wanted him to be my family. I'm so scared now and the house feels so empty and typically I'm on annual leave from work so I haven't even got that to distract myself.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has just walked out and left me after a huge argument that resulted in him putting his hands around my throat. It's 2.30 in the morning here so all my friends and family are asleep and I really need some help. I can't breathe.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
I'm so sorry to bother you all but I didn't know what else to do. I can't think straight, he's just text to say he's got to his mum's ok but I'm a mess.

My mum doesn't even know we're together and i have no other women I can turn to at this time of night.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
Thank you all so much.

I just can't fill out a police report on him, I work for the Police so believe me I know I should but I feel like I provoked him and he was so upset with himself for doing it that he left.

I don't have anyone I can call, I've tried a few but no one is answering because it's so late.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
Because I can't do that to him, it would mess up his life and I'm just a bit bruised, I'm more upset that he's gone. And I now how pathetic and ridiculous I sound.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
He suffers badly with depression and whilst we've had a great year or so the last one together I wanted to talk to him about him moving in and the future and I obviously handled it so badly that we ended up screaming at each other, so that's how it started. He went to hit my once about a year and a half ago but he managed to stop himself. His main fear is that he'll become his abusive father and I'm scared this will be a catalyst for him hurting himself.
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
I'm so scared
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly
It's taking every last bit of self controlI have not to drive to him right now
Originally Posted by littlemisscurly


Im so sorry you are going through this. I know its very painful. <<HUGS>>
Please read your posts and read this too:


Abuse Signs
You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:
  • Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him from getting angry and are frightened by his temper.
  • Feel you can't live without him.
  • Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he doesn't like them.
  • Are afraid to tell him your worries and feelings about the relationship.
  • Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him when he is troubled.
  • Feel that you are the only one who can help him and that you should try to "reform" him.
  • Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
  • Stop expressing opinions if he doesn't agree with them.
  • Stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave.
  • Believe that his jealousy is a sign of love.
  • Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him when he was jealous or angry.
  • Believe the critical things he says to make you feel bad about yourself.
  • Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do.
  • Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.
  • (some people) Have been abused as a child or seen your mother abused.
If you are abused:
  • You are not alone and you are not to blame. You cannot control his violence. There are ways you can make yourself safer:
  • Call the police if you have been assaulted. Charging abusive males is a necessary step in reducing physical violence.
  • Tell someone and keep a record of all incidents for evidence.
  • Write down the details for yourself as soon as possible after the assault. Keep it in a safe place where he won't find it.
  • Develop a safety plan. Memorize emergency numbers. Keep spare house and car keys handy. Know where you can stay in an emergency.
  • Consider ending the relationship as soon as possible. Without intervention, his violence will increase in frequency and severity as time passes.
  • Recognize that no one has the right to control you and that it is everyone's human right to live without fear.
Look out for men who:
  • Do not listen to you, ignore you or talk over you.
  • Sit or stand too close to you, making you uncomfortable and seem to enjoy it.
  • Do only what they want or push you to get what they want.
  • Express anger and violence towards women either through words or physically.
  • Have a bad attitude toward women.
  • Are overly possessive or jealous.
  • Drink or use drugs heavily.
  • Have a reputation for "scoring".
Do you see the signs? If you see one abusive behavior, regardless of how small, you need to remind that it IS abuse.
And a
buse is not your fault. Abuse is the abuser's fault. The abuser chooses to abuse or learns to abuse, but it is not your fault. Abuse is not caused by alcohol or drugs, stress, anger management, or provocation. It is always a choice to be abusive.


Just like you, most abuse victims are the caretakers in the relationship. They are the independent ones,that's why the abusers feel the need to conquer them.

It takes a LOT of strength to break free. And it takes a long long time to recover.

But you can do it. A lot of us have done it. I've done it.
It was difficult, it was very difficult because I loved him and most of the time he was calm, charming, loving and caring; besides I was afraid of being alone after many years with him.
I was very depressed for a few months and I went to counseling. But now I am fine. I'm happy and in a healthy relationship with a good man.
Im sure you are a good person and a strong woman. You deserve a better life.
<<HUGS>>
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