So, how's the libido?

I've been married for almost two years now and have absolutely no desire for sex anymore. When my husband and I first got together we were in high school. He was my first, and that combined with the raging hormones of a teenage girl, we had sex almost daily. We broke up for several years while I was in college and during that time I had a couple of boyfriends and with one the sex was amazing and the other, it was good, though not mind blowing. So now, my husband being the only man I've slept with for the last 4 years, my sex drive is nonexistent. Our relationship (other than intimacy) is great, but I'm just wondering if this is normal. I feel bad for him because I'm never really into it and I know he's aware of it. I hoping this is something that improve because I'm sure this will eventually hurt our marriage if it continues.
Is it possible to really love someone and not be sexually attracted to him? I was at one time, but I'm not sure how to get that back. Anyone else experience something similar? How did it turn out?
2b
conditioner - AOHR
shampoo - Beauty Without Cruelty Rosemary Mint Tea Tree
styling products - KCCC, BRHG, Boots Curl Creme, Re:coil
Is your desire literally zero, or you just never seem to want it when he wants it? Do you ever get "in the mood" when he's not around? Do you masturbate? (you don't have to answer these questions obviously, just think about them).

I think it's normal for desire to decrease a little bit the longer you're with someone, and usually more common in women. I found for a while with me that I was always so exhausted at night when I'd finally get my son to bed, but often was "in the mood" during his afternoon nap (luckily my husband's job is close enough to allow nooners on his lunch break ). Another thing that is definitely true for me is, the more sex I have, the more sex I want. My husband calls it "sliding downhill". Another thing that really helps me is fantasizing, talking about fantasies with my husband, and enjoying my fantasies alone when DH can't be there.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
Are you on any type of medication, or hormonal birth control? BC can cause a drop in libido.
Brooklyn, NY

Hair: 3A/B, Underlayer of 2B
HG products:
Winter- Giovanni Tea Tree (co-wash) & 50/50 (condish); Curl Junkie Curl Assurance Leave-In; Curls Milkshake & Quenched Curls; Re:coil; BRHG
Summer: DevaCurl No Poo & OneC; CK; Re:coil; BRHG; Honey!!!

fotki pw= crrrls
First of all, I think every woman goes through times like that, where you're just not interested in sex with anyone. So you're normal.

Secondly, sometimes you just have to DO IT, just like Nike says. In my own experience, I seem to get in the habit of not wanting it, but once we get started, it's fine, and sometimes it's AWESOME.

If I waited to be "in the mood" we'd never get anywhere.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rock on with your bad self.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Secondly, sometimes you just have to DO IT, just like Nike says. In my own experience, I seem to get in the habit of not wanting it, but once we get started, it's fine, and sometimes it's AWESOME.

If I waited to be "in the mood" we'd never get anywhere.
Originally Posted by PartyHair
This is true too, and while I would never encourage faking orgasms, sometimes you have to fake being into it until you realize that you actually are into it. Men have fragile egos and if they think you're just lying there waiting for them to "finish", it won't be fun for them and it will make it even more difficult for them to finish.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
Another thing that is definitely true for me is, the more sex I have, the more sex I want.
Originally Posted by PixieCurl
Oh, that's a great point. Conversely, if it's been a while... I kind of lose interest.
Brooklyn, NY

Hair: 3A/B, Underlayer of 2B
HG products:
Winter- Giovanni Tea Tree (co-wash) & 50/50 (condish); Curl Junkie Curl Assurance Leave-In; Curls Milkshake & Quenched Curls; Re:coil; BRHG
Summer: DevaCurl No Poo & OneC; CK; Re:coil; BRHG; Honey!!!

fotki pw= crrrls
Secondly, sometimes you just have to DO IT, just like Nike says. In my own experience, I seem to get in the habit of not wanting it, but once we get started, it's fine, and sometimes it's AWESOME.

If I waited to be "in the mood" we'd never get anywhere.
Originally Posted by PartyHair

True words. I'm not into it about 1/2 the time (poor guy), but I'm *always* there once we get going.
Hmm...so I should just go for it, even if I'm not into it in hopes that will boost my desire? I think I can give that a try. We have sex about once a week, so maybe I should add in a couple of extra days?
Pixie, yes it seems about zero. I don't fantasize about him or anyone else. Also, we don't have children so time/energy really isn't the problem.
Gemini - I am on BC. I switched from Yasmin to Yaz on my last appt. because I thought that may be the cause. We've talked about TTC within a couple of years, so when I stop taking BC, I guess I'll find out if the pills are the problem.
Another thing though, and I understand its very common.... but I cannot have an orgasm from intercourse. Maybe I'm just tired of all the work for no payoff? It used to be frustrating for him and I think he just eventually gave up, but I still feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
2b
conditioner - AOHR
shampoo - Beauty Without Cruelty Rosemary Mint Tea Tree
styling products - KCCC, BRHG, Boots Curl Creme, Re:coil
Hmm...so I should just go for it, even if I'm not into it in hopes that will boost my desire? I think I can give that a try. We have sex about once a week, so maybe I should add in a couple of extra days?
Pixie, yes it seems about zero. I don't fantasize about him or anyone else. Also, we don't have children so time/energy really isn't the problem.
Gemini - I am on BC. I switched from Yasmin to Yaz on my last appt. because I thought that may be the cause. We've talked about TTC within a couple of years, so when I stop taking BC, I guess I'll find out if the pills are the problem.
Another thing though, and I understand its very common.... but I cannot have an orgasm from intercourse. Maybe I'm just tired of all the work for no payoff? It used to be frustrating for him and I think he just eventually gave up, but I still feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
Originally Posted by LilyWaves
Not cool on his part. Have you all talked about this issue


Blog
Hmm...so I should just go for it, even if I'm not into it in hopes that will boost my desire? I think I can give that a try. We have sex about once a week, so maybe I should add in a couple of extra days?
Pixie, yes it seems about zero. I don't fantasize about him or anyone else. Also, we don't have children so time/energy really isn't the problem.
Gemini - I am on BC. I switched from Yasmin to Yaz on my last appt. because I thought that may be the cause. We've talked about TTC within a couple of years, so when I stop taking BC, I guess I'll find out if the pills are the problem.
Another thing though, and I understand its very common.... but I cannot have an orgasm from intercourse. Maybe I'm just tired of all the work for no payoff? It used to be frustrating for him and I think he just eventually gave up, but I still feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
Originally Posted by LilyWaves
Not cool on his part. Have you all talked about this issue
Originally Posted by Trenell
Yes, we have but it's been awhile. We've tried different positions for years to no avail, and I'm afraid to press the issue because I know it isn't his fault and it will only make him feel worse/inadequate. (I've never had an orgasm from intercourse with any partner).
2b
conditioner - AOHR
shampoo - Beauty Without Cruelty Rosemary Mint Tea Tree
styling products - KCCC, BRHG, Boots Curl Creme, Re:coil
1) Talk to your doctor, because it may still be because of the Pill. Is going off BC an option and using condoms instead? Your husband might be more willing to use condoms if it means he'll get more sex.

2) Try watching porn or reading erotica by yourself sometime. If the mood strikes, rock on with your bad self, and if it doesn't, that's okay too. Try thinking about sexual scenarios different times throughout the day and see if it turns into a full-blown fantasy. If it does, tell your husband about it when you see him.

3) When you don't orgasm from intercourse, does your husband finish you off another way? Do you ask him to? Have you tried positions that allow him or you to stimulate your clitoris manually? Maybe you could just trade oral sex sometimes and not even worry about intercourse?
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
Get some toys

There are all kinds of nifty little gadgets you could bring into things that might help during. And they can be as much for him as for you, if his ego's fragile on that end.
CG/Mod CG (soap bars) since 8/12/08
CO wash/Cond: Kathymack & Flowermoon Castille soap bars, V05 Chamomile Tea, Suave Ocean Breeze, Biolage Conditioning Balm
Styling loves: DIFFUSING! CK, KCNT, KCCC, FOTE (on dry hair only), Re:coil, Proclaim gel
Not sure about: Boots, Tweek, KBB Milk, DMHJ
HATE: plopping, FOTE on wet hair, BRHG
Hmm...so I should just go for it, even if I'm not into it in hopes that will boost my desire? I think I can give that a try. We have sex about once a week, so maybe I should add in a couple of extra days?
Pixie, yes it seems about zero. I don't fantasize about him or anyone else. Also, we don't have children so time/energy really isn't the problem.
Gemini - I am on BC. I switched from Yasmin to Yaz on my last appt. because I thought that may be the cause. We've talked about TTC within a couple of years, so when I stop taking BC, I guess I'll find out if the pills are the problem.
Another thing though, and I understand its very common.... but I cannot have an orgasm from intercourse. Maybe I'm just tired of all the work for no payoff? It used to be frustrating for him and I think he just eventually gave up, but I still feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
Originally Posted by LilyWaves
Do you mean you cannot have an orgasm through penetration? If that is the case, that is pretty normal - a huge percentage of women cannot orgasm this way and need clitoral stimulation to achieve it. I would recommend trying external stimulation, either using hands or orally, if you haven't already. Toys are fun to explore as well. Just remember that orgasms don't necessarily have to come from having a penis inside a vagina. I know I'd be sorely disappointed and my husband would be frustrated as hell if that were the case.
Location: Southern NH

If a news story breaks and no one on the Internet comments, did it really happen?
Hmm...so I should just go for it, even if I'm not into it in hopes that will boost my desire? I think I can give that a try. We have sex about once a week, so maybe I should add in a couple of extra days?
Pixie, yes it seems about zero. I don't fantasize about him or anyone else. Also, we don't have children so time/energy really isn't the problem.
Gemini - I am on BC. I switched from Yasmin to Yaz on my last appt. because I thought that may be the cause. We've talked about TTC within a couple of years, so when I stop taking BC, I guess I'll find out if the pills are the problem.
Another thing though, and I understand its very common.... but I cannot have an orgasm from intercourse. Maybe I'm just tired of all the work for no payoff? It used to be frustrating for him and I think he just eventually gave up, but I still feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
Originally Posted by LilyWaves
Not cool on his part. Have you all talked about this issue
Originally Posted by Trenell
Yea that's not cool at all. I also don't get off on intercourse. Oral is a must for me. I also get off from fingering ..my current guy is a lil disappointed that I can't from intercourse but he always takes care of me. Or else why would I want intercourse? So I feel you. Honestly I could have intercourse once every few months and I'd be okay. With my ex I lost physical attraction, but I think it had to do with many other factors. In the last year or so I think we only had it a couple times a year and fooled around a few times. Yea pretty bad..You definitely need to talk to him about it and find other ways that are good for you.
In high school, before I was on BC, we just used the pull out method. ( I know, stupid teenagers). Anytime we tried to use condoms, he would say he couldn't feel anything and would lose his erection. Maybe he could give them another try before I make a decision to stop taking the pill. Most of the time he does initiate oral sex first because he knows I can't climax from intercourse, though sometimes I stop him because I'm not in the mood for it or because I know it will take a very long time (but that is the only way I can have an orgasm). Maybe I should check out some porn and see if that does anything for me...

MimsTX, I did give toys a try...once. I bought a ring with these clitoral stimulators and vibrators for him to wear on our honeymoon (it seemed like it would be fun). He did try it a few times, but he hated it and would again lose his erection. I'll admit I was disappointed because I enjoyed it while it lasted. He has also told me that he doesn't like the idea of a dildo. I can't remember his exact reason why but it basically came down to his jealousy of a plastic penis.Anything that you particularly enjoy that you could suggest?
2b
conditioner - AOHR
shampoo - Beauty Without Cruelty Rosemary Mint Tea Tree
styling products - KCCC, BRHG, Boots Curl Creme, Re:coil
In high school, before I was on BC, we just used the pull out method. ( I know, stupid teenagers). Anytime we tried to use condoms, he would say he couldn't feel anything and would lose his erection. Maybe he could give them another try before I make a decision to stop taking the pill. Most of the time he does initiate oral sex first because he knows I can't climax from intercourse, though sometimes I stop him because I'm not in the mood for it or because I know it will take a very long time (but that is the only way I can have an orgasm). Maybe I should check out some porn and see if that does anything for me...

MimsTX, I did give toys a try...once. I bought a ring with these clitoral stimulators and vibrators for him to wear on our honeymoon (it seemed like it would be fun). He did try it a few times, but he hated it and would again lose his erection. I'll admit I was disappointed because I enjoyed it while it lasted. He has also told me that he doesn't like the idea of a dildo. I can't remember his exact reason why but it basically came down to his jealousy of a plastic penis.Anything that you particularly enjoy that you could suggest?
Originally Posted by LilyWaves
Yeah, I have a friend that tried one of those rings... her hubby wasn't impressed (too tight, he said) but she sure loved it.

I'm not sure if its the same as what you got, but a lot of them are just the "Magic Bullets" that slip into the plastic ring. Those things are freaking awesome, and you could easily use that (or have him use it on you) during sex to see if that helps.

ETA: I agree with Josephine... if intercourse doesn't get you off, a dildo isn't going to either. An external vibe/massager is DEFINITELY the way to go, and small would be good if you want to use it during.
CG/Mod CG (soap bars) since 8/12/08
CO wash/Cond: Kathymack & Flowermoon Castille soap bars, V05 Chamomile Tea, Suave Ocean Breeze, Biolage Conditioning Balm
Styling loves: DIFFUSING! CK, KCNT, KCCC, FOTE (on dry hair only), Re:coil, Proclaim gel
Not sure about: Boots, Tweek, KBB Milk, DMHJ
HATE: plopping, FOTE on wet hair, BRHG

Last edited by MimsTX; 02-25-2009 at 02:35 PM.
My favorite is a brookstone pressure point massager. A few of my friends love this too. It's external and stimulates the clitoris..sooo good. If you dont *** from intercourse, not sure a dildo would be any different.

Okay i just looked it up and they are back on the market..they discontinued it for a while last year.



http://www.brookstone.com/store/prod...ry&prodtemp=t1
towards the end of my pregnancy, it took too much work to reach orgasm so we got The classic Silver Bullet Vibrator. Good stuff.

For me sex+no orgasm=no go I'll let it slide a few times, but it would really really REALLY annoy me.

You need to be very vocal to your husband about what you need. If you don't know, how can he?


Blog
You're pretty normal, IMO. People have given you some great suggestions here. Indeed, sometimes just getting started is enough to get the engine going, and just because you don't orgasm from penetration doesn't mean you can't get other stimulation while you're having intercourse. Multitask! Of course this is easier in some positions than in others.

And if you don't masturbate, and don't know how to get yourself there, you're doing yourself and your marriage a huge disservice. Figure out how to double click your own mouse and if he can't get it done, do it yourself. I can't imagine how you expect him to do it if you can't. Neither of your are broken, but I do think there's probably some hang ups (both yours and his) that are putting some road blocks up for you. I find it suspect when men say that condoms cause a loss of erection or feeling. Smells a lot like they don't want to deal with birth control. Not cool.
"And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
Stolen.
rainshower's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,000
*guano and graphic below*

i never understood men who get upset or who take it personally that their partner can't get an orgasm through intercourse alone, like it's a slight against their ability to handle things in the bedroom.

men have to have patience and figure out what will make her climax. it may be that she'll only ever climax with manual stimulation or from a position that will allow her clitoris to have direct and rhythmic contact with his pelvis so that she can be stimulated to the point of orgasm.

everyone is so different when it comes to what feels pleasurable sexually. you don't give up just because someone isn't responding in a way that you'd expect her to. you just keep trying until you figure out what will make her responsive. and the same goes for women being patient with their men, if that's the case.

my advice is to explain to your husband the anatomy of a woman's genitals, if he doesn't already know. the base of some women's clitorises (clitori? also known as the g-spot) within the vagina becomes stimulated due to the size/shape of the penis and the thrusting during intercourse. this allows them to have a vaginal orgasm that is described as deeper-feeling longer-lasting, but not always as intense as a clitoral orgasm. a clitoral orgasm is achieved from direct external contact through grinding, or the rubbing of the man's pelvis against a woman during certain positions, through masturbation, or through the man manually stimulating her with his hands, etc. some women can get both vaginal and clitoral orgasms. many women experience only clitoral.

our hormones affect our libido. some women's pms crank up their drive, and with some, it becomes lowered. just natural aging affects some women's drives, as does stress, sickness, medications, pregnancy, etc. my girlfriend confessed that she can't separate anger from sexual urges. when she and her husband have an argument, the last thing she wants is for him to touch her, much less have sex.

i, on the other hand, can push my anger aside to get a good one in, and then resume my anger.

Code:
i'm a freak.
*guano over*
"Dogs stink too, but I like dog stink." ~ rileyb

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:22 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com