Did your family approve of your SO?

I'm pretty sure my family likes my husband more than they like me. Fortunately, the same is true for his family (they think I'm the bee's knees).

I can't imagine getting seriously involved with someone my family didn't like. Though, I have the advantage of having really rational family members, so if they didn't like someone, chances are I wouldn't either.
"And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
Stolen.
See my dad and my brother (and all other family members) don't care, as long as the guy treats me well, is gainfully employed and is a good person, they approve. I don't think my mother is "rational" in terms of relationships, I just don't. From now on I am keeping stuff to myself.
Ah yes, how could I forget about the tattoos??? My husband is covered and my parents were like WTF?! Now, i'm on my 4th one & they are like devestated I did that to my body.
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

"...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

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Did your family approve/not approve your SO at first? Did you let it affect your decision or did you make your own decision?
Originally Posted by Amandacurls
My father refused to accept him. (Mom had passed away before then.) When I told him that we'd gotten engaged, he told "it's him or me." Stupid man. He not only didn't attend the wedding, but apparently made threats regarding it beforehand (Aunt wouldn't tell me what he threatened, but it was serious enough for her to contact some relatives who were cops, and have them on alert during the wedding.) I never spoke to him again.

BTW, my mother's mom did the same kind of krap before EACH of her five children's weddings. You'd think since he witnessed the pain that caused for my mother and her siblings, he might have known better.

What was his problem with DH? His is "Jewish." He actually isn't, though his last name is a common Jewish name. (Judism as religion goes back two generations in his family, DH was born and raised Christian, though not RC, like my family.)

Regardless, that was just an excuse. My father was way out of line, and never tried to get to know DH at all. Every one else thought and still feels he's great. We've been married nearly 20 years, and have a good life together. Another BTW, 5 years later, my brother got engaged to a girl that is Irish Catholic, like our family. He didn't like her, either, so I'm told. He died before their wedding, so only he knows how he would have handled that.

Last edited by KurlyKae; 03-05-2009 at 10:14 AM. Reason: I really should preview before I hit post reply...
I think it all depends on your relationshiop with your family, whether their opinion should matter or not. I'm very close with my parents and they treat me like an adult and respect my choices. They loved my husband from the beginning and I can't imagine being with someone they're not close to. My husband invites my dad to guys' nights and used to go to lunch with my mom every week when he worked closer to her.

You've expressed before that your mother doesn't seem to respect your choices as an adult and nags you about finding a boyfriend, getting married, etc. That, combined with what you've posted in this thread, makes me think you shouldn't care what she thinks.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
Ah yes, how could I forget about the tattoos??? My husband is covered and my parents were like WTF?! Now, i'm on my 4th one & they are like devestated I did that to my body.
Originally Posted by shellibean
I actually don't mind the tattoos, I used to be a little weirded out (when I was much younger) but I don't care. He has them to where even if he wore a short sleeved shirt you couldn't see them.
My family met my hubby before we ever started dating, and in the setting they met him I believe they liked him.

They love him now.

Amanda, do you want to arrange for them to meet? Maybe in the future don't mention boyfriends to your family until you are bringing them over for dinner
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poodlehead
Ah, it all makes sense now. Goldy is the puppet master!
I'm seeing this guy I really like, and he is so nice to me, he's great, mature, etc. My mother (yep her again) doesn't approve of how we met (at a club) but yet she met my dad the same way, she isn't excited that he didn't go to college, I couldn't care less. She doesn't really like his job, and he has a 2 year old son which she's not that jazzed about. I haven't even told her he has tattoos!!! I just don't know when she became such a snob, she doesn't have a college degree, neither does my dad. It just bugs me when she asks sarcastic questions about him, or tells me I should marry a doctor, because she doesn't know him. All my friends that have met him overwhelmingly approve. I just think if she met him and saw how he treated me she would change her mind, but for some reason she thinks he's beneath me. I don't think that, at all. It makes me mad she won't reserve judgment until she meets him.
Originally Posted by Amandacurls

My parents felt the same way about my ex but way worse. He didn't have a kid but he didn't have an undergraduate degree or a professional job(my mom called him a 'streetboy'). He treated me very well though. Anyways he did turn out to be a bum living in a fairytale world so we broke up. Current guy I'm seeing also doesnt have a degree, has eyebrow piercings, tattoos and doesn't have a white collar job. But he is a hard worker, responsible and also treats me very well (o yea we met at a club too). I'm hoping my parents expectations have changed because of my last ex and because I know they think I'm getting old and just want me to be with someone.
I'm seeing this guy I really like, and he is so nice to me, he's great, mature, etc. My mother (yep her again) doesn't approve of how we met (at a club) but yet she met my dad the same way, she isn't excited that he didn't go to college, I couldn't care less. She doesn't really like his job, and he has a 2 year old son which she's not that jazzed about. I haven't even told her he has tattoos!!! I just don't know when she became such a snob, she doesn't have a college degree, neither does my dad. It just bugs me when he asks sarcastic questions about him, or tells me I should marry a doctor, because she doesn't know him. All my friends that have met him overwhelmingly approve. I just think if she met him and saw how he treated me she would change her mind, but for some reason she thinks he's beneath me. I don't think that, at all. It makes me mad she won't reserve judgment until she meets him.
Originally Posted by Amandacurls
I would ignore your mother especially since she never met him.

In the future, I would not tell her anything.
Originally Posted by iara
I'm not going to in the future, it's so ridiculous. She hasn't made me doubt my decision to date him, it's just annoying that she can't be happy for me.
Originally Posted by Amandacurls

Yea it sux. My mom and I just have different views but I think she's accepted mine somewhat. But it is annoying when she makes random comments (on anything really). I know she's trying to be more open and accept that we(her children) are not like her and that's just the way it is. But those few random comments annoy the hell out of me!
I'm seeing this guy I really like, and he is so nice to me, he's great, mature, etc. My mother (yep her again) doesn't approve of how we met (at a club) but yet she met my dad the same way, she isn't excited that he didn't go to college, I couldn't care less. She doesn't really like his job, and he has a 2 year old son which she's not that jazzed about. I haven't even told her he has tattoos!!! I just don't know when she became such a snob, she doesn't have a college degree, neither does my dad. It just bugs me when she asks sarcastic questions about him, or tells me I should marry a doctor, because she doesn't know him. All my friends that have met him overwhelmingly approve. I just think if she met him and saw how he treated me she would change her mind, but for some reason she thinks he's beneath me. I don't think that, at all. It makes me mad she won't reserve judgment until she meets him.
Originally Posted by Amandacurls

My parents felt the same way about my ex but way worse. He didn't have a kid but he didn't have an undergraduate degree or a professional job(my mom called him a 'streetboy'). He treated me very well though. Anyways he did turn out to be a bum living in a fairytale world so we broke up. Current guy I'm seeing also doesnt have a degree, has eyebrow piercings, tattoos and doesn't have a white collar job. But he is a hard worker, responsible and also treats me very well (o yea we met at a club too). I'm hoping my parents expectations have changed because of my last ex and because I know they think I'm getting old and just want me to be with someone.
Originally Posted by Josephine
See that's another thing about him, he is a hard worker, and he's been at the same job for over 6 years. Practically all of my exes were job jumpers, they were here for a little while and never stayed at any one job for more than a year or so.

Oh, and one thing I'd like to point out, my mother LOVED the verbally abusive, drug dealer ex I used to post about. Go figure!
My family loves my husband. If we ever split, I'm the one they'd all be mad at.

We met briefly, kept in touch, met again when he was on vacation and got engaged in like three weeks - we were married a little less than a year later. No one in my family batted an eye. My grandfater could not get us married soon enough.

When I went to meet his parents, my grandfather was quick to point out that they had weddings in England, too, and no one would be mad if we just up and decided to have one. I think they were all worried that I'd scare him off if we didn't move quickly.

We've been together for nearly eleven years.

My grandfather was one of the most clear-headed people I've ever known. You could not get any BS past him, ever. If he hand't liked my husband, there would have been a good reason. I miss having my own personal BS detector.

If your mom tends to pre-judge people, stop giving her ammunition! If it's serious enough to be long term, talk up his good points and let her actually meet him before you tell her the drawbacks. And really, you're her daughter. She might be difficult but most mothers of younger women would be a little...hesitant about a guy who already has kids, doesn't have an education, etc. Those aren't by any means necessarily BAD things (he might be a great father, maybe he knew what he wanted to do right out of high school and hey, lucky him!) but your mother wants to know if this guy is good enough for her baby.

Unless she's just a snob or a control freak, but still I suggest letting her meet and like the guy before you start telling her things she won't like about him.
My family loves my husband. If we ever split, I'm the one they'd all be mad at.

We met briefly, kept in touch, met again when he was on vacation and got engaged in like three weeks - we were married a little less than a year later. No one in my family batted an eye. My grandfater could not get us married soon enough.

When I went to meet his parents, my grandfather was quick to point out that they had weddings in England, too, and no one would be mad if we just up and decided to have one. I think they were all worried that I'd scare him off if we didn't move quickly.

We've been together for nearly eleven years.

My grandfather was one of the most clear-headed people I've ever known. You could not get any BS past him, ever. If he hand't liked my husband, there would have been a good reason. I miss having my own personal BS detector.

If your mom tends to pre-judge people, stop giving her ammunition! If it's serious enough to be long term, talk up his good points and let her actually meet him before you tell her the drawbacks. And really, you're her daughter. She might be difficult but most mothers of younger women would be a little...hesitant about a guy who already has kids, doesn't have an education, etc. Those aren't by any means necessarily BAD things (he might be a great father, maybe he knew what he wanted to do right out of high school and hey, lucky him!) but your mother wants to know if this guy is good enough for her baby.

Unless she's just a snob or a control freak, but still I suggest letting her meet and like the guy before you start telling her things she won't like about him.
Originally Posted by CGNYC
I didn't just offer it up, she asked "So does he have any ex wives or children?" I just told her I had a date, and she just started firing off rude questions. IDK she really approved of this one guy I dated a while back because he happened to have a lot of money. When she asked me if I was still seeing him after I pulled the plug (because he was a total arrogant ass) she was almost mad at me. It's stupid.
I didn't just offer it up, she asked "So does he have any ex wives or children?"
Originally Posted by Amandacurls
I am sorry but who even asks that question?

I would tell your mother, politely, that you will not talk to her about your dating life any more.

If you have level-headed friends, I would trust their opinion.
You cannot invite someone to your house in the Hamptons and when she arrives, not let her stay. Tacky. Very Tacky. ~ East Village hipster.

People in Ward Three disdain three things: cleavage, hunting and dumb people who are richer than they are. ~ David Brooks


Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. ~Armaments 2:9-21

No one in my family has ever had a problem with my DH. It wouldn't have mattered if they had. My dad did make a comment one time before I was with DH that I woudn't care what he thought anyway about anyone I dated. He was right. My sister's bf is a tool though. He is very disrespectful and demeaning to our other sister. Who is 13 btw. It's pathetic.
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
I didn't just offer it up, she asked "So does he have any ex wives or children?"
Originally Posted by Amandacurls
I am sorry but who even asks that question?

I would tell your mother, politely, that you will not talk to her about your dating life any more.

If you have level-headed friends, I would trust their opinion.
Originally Posted by iara
ITA Never bother answering loaded questions.
When she asks intruding questions, just try to laugh it off and tell her to relax and let you go on a few dates with the guy.

Then, if that doesn't work, start making up outlandish answers:

Q: What does he do?
A: Contract killer.

Q: Does that pay well?
A: It pays in cigarettes and beer.

Q: Does he have an ex-wife?
A: No, but he does have 3 current wives. I'm hoping to be number 4; all the fun, zero responsibility.

Etc.

My family likes my guy. They see how much he makes me laugh and how happy I am. And he can interact with them well; I don't have to be with him at all times, holding his hand. He can help my dad fry a turkey and play pool with my grizzly grandaddy, and help my mother clean her crystal collection; he's at ease in all those situations.

His family is unsure of me because I'm not Jewish. His poor Bubby reminds him to look for a nice Jewish girl every week when they talk on the phone. His father is happy that I'm learning more about Judaism and his mother and sister have both met me and like me.

I'm meeting them all in April at Passover (in Toronto), and sadly my guy will not be allowed to leave my side but will be required to hold me hand at all times.
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowflakes821
You are an evil biatch, evil. Your life must suck!
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They love my estranged hubby...My mom disliked my BF within two minutes of finding out he even existed. She'd never met him and didn't know a thing about him except his name...and maybe not even that!
No MAS.

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I can't imagine getting seriously involved with someone my family didn't like. Though, I have the advantage of having really rational family members, so if they didn't like someone, chances are I wouldn't either.
Originally Posted by MichelleBFT
I feel the same. My family is close knit and it is very well known what other immediate family members think of boyfriends, etc.. In one instance, that did contirbute to a sibling deciding not to marry someone who was all wrong for her; every single family member didn't like him for her. Humbly, I think we were right and she is with someone much better.

For me, I probably wouldn't select someone that my family wouldn't like. They do have high expectations that I should end up with someone with similar things to offer (in terms of education, occupation, natural curiousity and intellect, etc..). I share those expectations even more as I get older. If it's going to happen, after waiting (voluntarily and involuntarily so many years) it is going to be someone who feels right and fits.
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

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- Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

(taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
Yes. In fact, they met him first and wanted me to meet him. I ignored them for a year!


I dated a guy for 6 years that my family wasn't thrilled with. That was really hard. However, since she hasn't met him yet, I think you need to curb the information you provide to her.
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My parents weren't thrilled with DH, my Dad didn't consider him manly enough, he wasn't happy DH didn't have any of his hobbies and just thought DH wasn't right.

I didn't care, it's taken 16 years and I am just now starting to see them respect DH.

His side of the family HATED me and still do. Again we don't care, life is to short to worry about making everyone else happy while giving up on your own happiness.

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