4 Feminists - Not His Name, Not his 'Mrs. Mister'

I took my DH's last name because I was young and thought it was romantic and what I was supposed to do. I regret it. Not because of my DH, but his family.... they are hateful, horrible people and we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. So I get asked quite often if I am related to my FIL and I hate saying yes because people tend to strongly dislike him, and I hate being judged by him, kwim?

My DH and I have seriously been considering changing both of our names to my "maiden" name... don't like that term either! I feel particularly strong about this since my Dad has passed on, he was a well known and a very much loved member of the community and I was always glad to have people realize I am his daughter!
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Hmm, tough choice ... decisions decisions ... should I keep my own name, or be known as J. P. Morgan for the rest of my life???
I think I'll keep my name.
I don't see taking a husband's name to be a slight on femininity. I took DH's name because it I liked it better, plain and simple. And I'm not bothered by the term "maiden name". It's such a common term in our language that it ceased to be associated with virginity a long time ago.
I answered in the other thread too, but I took my husband's name. Nothing against my family at all, but I like my husband's name, and considering both his parents have terminal illnesses and he only has one other family member (a half-brother) with the same name, pretty soon I'll be the only other family he has with the name.

I don't think it makes me property or whatever. I know it means a lot to my husband that I am now Mrs. Hislastname, and that's enough for me.
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I did take my husband's name. My maiden name meant absolutely nothing to me. No one in my family had that name (haven't seen my father or any of his family since I was a small child). I'd say that I knew before I was out of high school that I'd take my husband's name because I couldn't get rid of my maiden name fast enough. I kept both my first & middle name and totally lost the old last name. My sister decided to do the exact same thing when she got married.
Originally Posted by Brooke789


This is similar to what I did. I haven't really ever been close to my father. I didn't want his name even more so after all of the things that he pulled trying to break my husband and myself up, so I dropped it. I kept my first and middle names and took on my married name.
Originally Posted by FieryCurls

I don't get that. Presumably your father had a say in choosing your first and middle names...why not drop those also if you dislike him so much?

I don't feel a particular affinity to my father. I don't particularly love my birth name either. But the idea of following society's paternalist standards bothered me more than somehow honoring my father by keeping his name. As I said, I had to start somewhere, and I definitely wanted to set an example for my daughter that she doesn't have to take a man's name either. She now has a woman's name. It only takes one generation to make a huge societal change. We don't have to keep our society paternalistic.

I have a friend who disliked her father, so she went back in her family history and picked a last name of a female relative that she admired and took that name and kept it after she got married. She named her daughters with that last name also.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
Well, I like my first and middle names and didn't like my maiden name so much. That coupled with the fact that my sister picked out my first name and that I do like my married name, I went with it. Also, my husband has never made a comment about it, but I know that he wouldn't have liked me keeping my maiden name while being married to him because of everything my family has said and done to try and keep us apart.

I feel sure that my daughter will realize that there is a variety of ways that she can have her name when it's time for her to marry.
I did take my husband's name. My maiden name meant absolutely nothing to me. No one in my family had that name (haven't seen my father or any of his family since I was a small child). I'd say that I knew before I was out of high school that I'd take my husband's name because I couldn't get rid of my maiden name fast enough. I kept both my first & middle name and totally lost the old last name. My sister decided to do the exact same thing when she got married.
Originally Posted by Brooke789


This is similar to what I did. I haven't really ever been close to my father. I didn't want his name even more so after all of the things that he pulled trying to break my husband and myself up, so I dropped it. I kept my first and middle names and took on my married name.
Originally Posted by FieryCurls

I don't get that. Presumably your father had a say in choosing your first and middle names...why not drop those also if you dislike him so much?
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Yea I never got that either. My last name is my father's but it's the name I had since birth(and it was given, I didnt choose it), so it's mine now and see no point in changing it. I'd lose some respect for a guy if he had a problem with that.
I grew up hating my last name. It is awkward and nobody can pronounce it. The first thing I did when I got married was change my last name. If my original last name wasn't so weird, I might have kept it. My husband said it was up to me and did not try to sway me one way or the other.
Disliking one's family name while growing up was actually a factor for me. My father's name is unusual, difficult to spell for most, and difficult to pronounce correctly. My husband's name is a LOT easier.
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I wonder if age plays a part in it. If I were to marry at this stage of my life, I don't think I'd take my husband's name. Even though my surname is a difficult to pronounce Slavic name, it's who I am. I remember when I was younger, doodling my name with my current crushes last name, but now I couldn't see myself changing it.
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I took my husbands last name and use my birth last name as my middle name.

I love my birth name but I knew we would have children and wanted to keep things simple.

I remember having a hard time as a kid referring to parents of my friends whose last names were different from each other and or the kids. In those days you always referred to adults as Mr. XXX or Mrs. YYY. I was forever calling Mr. XXX by Mrs. YYY's last name or vice versa. Or I called either of them the by the last name of the kid. Teachers and other adults had that problem too. The poor kids were forever explaining who their parents were and how they were connected. Too much work for me.

BTW - these kids once married all reverted to the traditional custom of taking the man's last name.
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I kept my name because I had no compelling reason to do otherwise, and because I didn't like the fact that I was expected to change it.
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I'll let Mrs. Hubby's last name slide, if they do not know otherwise.

But for me, Mrs. Hubbys First and Last Name. That just pisses me off. It makes NO sense to me. There might be a chance that I changed my last name, but there is no way in Hades that I changed my FIRST. I swear I just want to throw away mail addressed that way: Christmas cards, Wedding invites....


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ITeachers and other adults had that problem too. The poor kids were forever explaining who their parents were and how they were connected. Too much work for me.
Originally Posted by bostonwaves
See, I don't think it's rocket science. If someone just took the time and paid attention, It wouldn't be that hard.


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Last edited by Trenell; 03-12-2009 at 08:40 AM.
ITeachers and other adults had that problem too. The poor kids were forever explaining who their parents were and how they were connected. Too much work for me.
Originally Posted by bostonwaves
See, I don't think it's rocket science. If someone just took the time and paid attention, I wouldn't be that hard.
Originally Posted by Trenell

LOL seriously.
ITeachers and other adults had that problem too. The poor kids were forever explaining who their parents were and how they were connected. Too much work for me.
Originally Posted by bostonwaves
See, I don't think it's rocket science. If someone just took the time and paid attention, I wouldn't be that hard.
Originally Posted by Trenell
Right? I can see it being an issue for kids, but adults? In this day and age?
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I'm a feminist, and I plan on keeping my last name (Allen) because I like it and it's my name. Just like the OP said, I am my own person and my name is my name. I'm most definitely not his property. Would say more, but my World Lit class just started.
I'll let Mrs. Hubby's last name slide, if they do not know otherwise.

But for me, Mrs. Hubbys First and Last Name. That just pisses me off. It makes NO sense to me. There might be a chance that I changed my last name, but there is no way in Hades that I changed my FIRST. I swear I just want to throw away mail addressed that way: Christmas cards, Wedding invites....
Originally Posted by Trenell
Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname doesn't imply that you changed you first name. It implies that you are the wife of so and so and that your name (either first or last), your identity is so insignificant it does not bear any mention whatsoever. Your only status and role in life is the wife of so and so. Which is even worse, IMO. That makes my blood boil.

Oh, for the record, I hyphenated. I would have preferred to keep my name but my husband tends to be a traditionalist at least on paper (though inside he has the squishy center of a feminist freak), so I compromised.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
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Last edited by geeky; 03-12-2009 at 09:15 AM.
ITeachers and other adults had that problem too. The poor kids were forever explaining who their parents were and how they were connected. Too much work for me.
Originally Posted by bostonwaves
See, I don't think it's rocket science. If someone just took the time and paid attention, I wouldn't be that hard.
Originally Posted by Trenell
Right? I can see it being an issue for kids, but adults? In this day and age?
Originally Posted by Gemini13
I agree, in this day and age.
But I was telling my personal experience. I grew up in the 60's when this first started being an option. As a kid I found it confusing, as did the children and that's why I made the decision I did. Decades later who knows what I would do.
"What's the good of having naturally curly hair if nobody's jealous?" Freida - Peanuts

~CG 8/06 ~
fine, wavy - 2b/3a
KCNT and KKCC
Oh, for the record, I hyphenated. I would have preferred to keep my name but my husband tends to be a traditionalist at least on paper (though inside he has the squishy center of a feminist freak), so I compromised.
Originally Posted by geeky

Did he hyphenate as well or did you think of asking him to? My current bf and I got into an argument, he was a bit offended at first that I wouldn't change my name (if we would get there) and said is sorta traditional on some of these things too but liberal at the same time. I was actually quite offended and upset that he had a problem with it..the last 2 serious guys I've been with didn't even expect a name change(I'm used to more liberal feminist dudes). I wonder if he would change to a hyphenated name though if I did..(not that I will but just wondering since to me that's a real compromise).
Oh, for the record, I hyphenated. I would have preferred to keep my name but my husband tends to be a traditionalist at least on paper (though inside he has the squishy center of a feminist freak), so I compromised.
Originally Posted by geeky

Did he hyphenate as well or did you think of asking him to? My current bf and I got into an argument, he was a bit offended at first that I wouldn't change my name (if we would get there) and said is sorta traditional on some of these things too but liberal at the same time. I was actually quite offended and upset that he had a problem with it..the last 2 serious guys I've been with didn't even expect a name change(I'm used to more liberal feminist dudes). I wonder if he would change to a hyphenated name though if I did..(not that I will but just wondering since to me that's a real compromise).
Originally Posted by Josephine
I didn't ask him to. I did ask him to consider how he would feel if it was expected to suddenly give up his name. The way I look at it his name is his business, and it no way reflects his actual feelings for me. So I don't care if he changes it or not. My name is my business, on the other hand. And I did what I was comfortable doing.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.

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