white collar woman, blue collar man..

luvmylocs · 07-23-2009, 12:38 PM

so what are your thoughts and experiences with long term relationships and marriage/family between a white collar/professional woman and a blue collar man? have you seen couples where it's worked great? what are the challenges? what are the benefits?

btw, assume that the guy in question is a nice guy, no major issues, really it's just about the dynamic of the job i'm curious about...

ShrekLover · 07-23-2009, 12:40 PM

In the one experience I can think of, they were happily married over 20 years last time I saw them. (Have lost touch). He was an asshat (of course I know I'm breaking your rule here), but it had nothing to do with his job.

NetG · 07-23-2009, 12:56 PM

I've never seen any issues related to the jobs which wouldn't have existed if they were both blue collar or both white collar.

Insecure blue collar men can have issues with women making more money in white collar jobs. But insecure men of any job type may have issues with strong women regardless of job type. The opposite can happen as well.

There can be some snobbery if you work in a fancy pants kind of company and the guy is a construction worker, I suppose. I just haven't seen any *external* issues like that, because Tucson is a low-key, more blue-collar than white-collar kind of town.

Are you asking about internal issues or external, or both? I think any issues internal to the relationship related to job types are truly just reflections of issues in the relationship which existed anyway, NOT related to the jobs. I don't have any helpful info for external influences on a relationship, though.

I have seen plenty of happy marriages where the wife is the one with the white collar job, though.

PartyHair · 07-23-2009, 01:00 PM

My mom was a teacher with a Master's degree. My dad was a trucker with a high school education. They were married for 54 years when Dad died.

Is that what you mean?

And not trying to snark it up, but what's the big deal? I have a Master's and my husband is just now getting his Bachelor's (he graduates in August! YAY!). I'm starting my PhD in the fall and he'll never get a Master's. It didn't make any difference to either of us.

I'm also taller than him and older than him. Those things didn't (and don't!) matter either.

07-23-2009, 01:02 PM

That's us, and we've been together over 20 years. I won't say it doesn't bother him that I make more money, but he deals with it and it is not a problem between us.

I know two other couples in the same situation.

Josephine · 07-23-2009, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

There can be some snobbery if you work in a fancy pants kind of company and the guy is a construction worker, I suppose.

I'm kinda worried about this..and with some family, they can be snobby. My ex was blue collar and so is current SO, I'm white collar. Not an issue for me but I think a some people are weird about it(obviously since this thread has started).

PartyHair · 07-23-2009, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

There can be some snobbery if you work in a fancy pants kind of company and the guy is a construction worker, I suppose.

I'm kinda worried about this..and with some family, they can be snobby. My ex was blue collar and so is current SO, I'm white collar. Not an issue for me but I think a some people are weird about it(obviously since this thread has started).

If these people aren't in a position to have an effect on your relationship, I don't see the big deal. And really, you and your fellow are really the only ones who need to worry about it. If you're happy and he's happy, who cares what other people - even your parents/siblings - think?

Amneris · 07-23-2009, 01:05 PM

PH, I think it is a big deal to some, and not to others - just as being the same religion or ethnicity or anything else may or may not be a priority in a mate for someone. I personally don't think either is right or wrong. For me personally, I would be very wary of this type of relationship for various personal reasons. And then the money issue is a big deal for some men as well.

luvmylocs, I do know of several of these pairings, and where it worked out, the couple usually had significant other areas of common ground which they valued more than what they did for a living - often religion, sometimes a major hobby/interest. I think that if your lifestyles, communication styles, families and attitude to family etc. mesh well, and the idea of a "blue collar man" in principle doesn't bother you, then you can have a strong relationship, and that'sa what I've seen. Where it didn't work, it's usually because the woman was desperate and went into the relationship with misgivings but just wanted a man so badly she accpeted anyone until she realized that the differences between them bothered her too much.

Gemini13 · 07-23-2009, 01:11 PM

My marriage falls into this category. It's not a big deal to me- at least half of my family are blue- or pink- collar workers. However, he's not always comfortable in "my" world, and obviously that is a challenge to deal with. Still, I have no idea how much that has to do with his job and how much of it is a cross-cultural (he's from Ireland) or personal issue... I suspect it's a combination of a number of things.

PartyHair · 07-23-2009, 01:12 PM

I guess I look at the person as opposed to what they do for a living, how much money they make, etc.

To me, the important thing is that the guy has a job and is able to support himself, not what type of work he does.

I would've married Felix if he'd been...I don't know. A dishwasher. A cook. A garbage man. A college professor. A manager. Whatever.

Josephine · 07-23-2009, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

There can be some snobbery if you work in a fancy pants kind of company and the guy is a construction worker, I suppose.

I'm kinda worried about this..and with some family, they can be snobby. My ex was blue collar and so is current SO, I'm white collar. Not an issue for me but I think a some people are weird about it(obviously since this thread has started).

If these people aren't in a position to have an effect on your relationship, I don't see the big deal. And really, you and your fellow are really the only ones who need to worry about it. If you're happy and he's happy, who cares what other people - even your parents/siblings - think?

Yea I know. I'm more annoyed about people's attitudes than worried and not looking forward to dealing with it if it goes there..

melloweer · 07-23-2009, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

My mom was a teacher with a Master's degree. My dad was a trucker with a high school education. They were married for 54 years when Dad died.

Is that what you mean?

And not trying to snark it up, but what's the big deal? I have a Master's and my husband is just now getting his Bachelor's (he graduates in August! YAY!). I'm starting my PhD in the fall and he'll never get a Master's. It didn't make any difference to either of us.

I'm also taller than him and older than him. Those things didn't (and don't!) matter either.

I luv luv luv luv shorter guys....sorry just had to add it in!

As far as blue vs white....I think the only way it should make any kind of difference is if the person who has the problem/issue already has issues of intimidation and they aren't trusting of their spouse. Regardless of who makes more money you're spose to love each other. I could see that marriage having more problems then blue vs white.

I know a lot of people in blue/white relationships and there really is an even mix on who makes more pay. My husband is a construction worker with no degree, I work at a school and don't have a degree either. I have college credits and could go back and become a teacher, and go for my Masters. My husband would stilll make way more then I could. Plus he still has the potential to make more, there's no cap.

So anyhow, for someone starting off fresh they don't make much in blue world....but those guys that have been doing it for a long time, they make a killing.

luvmylocs · 07-23-2009, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

My mom was a teacher with a Master's degree. My dad was a trucker with a high school education. They were married for 54 years when Dad died.

Is that what you mean?

yes this is what i was asking about. i honestly want/hope to hear stories like the one you mentioned!!! to me it doesn't matter!!!! i've dated professional guys who have been jerks and some not jerks but obviously not the one. i'm really like a new guy and i think he likes me too. we have very similar values, connect over fitness, i think he's attractive and i enjoy talking to him and we laugh a lot. it's still super early but i was just curious what peoples experiences are.

sidenote: i met a guy out last week, he was 40, soon to be 41. we had good conversation but the follow up has been spotty. he sent me a text saying "i'm a single womans dream, i am single, no kids, own a house, own a business, love to travel"....i was so turned off by this...seems that some professional guys are NOT humble at all.

NetG · 07-23-2009, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

I'm starting my PhD in the fall and he'll never get a Master's. It didn't make any difference to either of us.

I didn't know this - congrats on making a huge decision! What kind of PhD?

I'm attempting to motivate for a Master's, and so far, no luck...

Two of my non-negotiables in a man are that he be intellectually curious and intelligent. I don't give a flying fig if he has a degree or not, though. I do know that matters for some people. It's just a matter of priorities - and I'm glad I'm in a place where not only does the color of a man's collar not concern me, those who matter to me won't care either.

Gemini13 · 07-23-2009, 01:21 PM

I have to say, a few of the money comments made me lol a little... my husband makes three times as much as I do.

PartyHair · 07-23-2009, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

I'm kinda worried about this..and with some family, they can be snobby. My ex was blue collar and so is current SO, I'm white collar. Not an issue for me but I think a some people are weird about it(obviously since this thread has started).

If these people aren't in a position to have an effect on your relationship, I don't see the big deal. And really, you and your fellow are really the only ones who need to worry about it. If you're happy and he's happy, who cares what other people - even your parents/siblings - think?

Yea I know. I'm more annoyed about people's attitudes than worried and not looking forward to dealing with it if it goes there..

Be strong. You're marrying the man, not his job or his degrees.

My sister is a "He has to have at least a Bachelor's" kind of girl but I maintain that if she were to meet a great guy with a high school education, she'd get over that pretty quickly.

luvmylocs · 07-23-2009, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini13

I have to say, a few of the money comments made me lol a little... my husband makes three times as much as I do.

is your hubby blue collar? are you white collar?

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

Two of my non-negotiables in a man are that he be intellectually curious and intelligent. I don't give a flying fig if he has a degree or not, though. I do know that matters for some people. It's just a matter of priorities - and I'm glad I'm in a place where not only does the color of a man's collar not concern me, those who matter to me won't care either.

i agree with this. i'm a thinker and i love to learn so i was curious about why he did not finish college and what his long term (and short term goals) are and what he's passionate about in life and his views on making money and providing for his family. i liked what i heard him say, he seemed sincere. he is smart. we can talk, i think he would be a good partner (based on what i know so far). he likes to travel, which is also a sign of a persons openess to life experiences. he also seems to think i'm interesting/smart. today he called me to discuss my thoughts about an interesting opportunity that he was presented with. that made me feel good.

PartyHair · 07-23-2009, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

I'm starting my PhD in the fall and he'll never get a Master's. It didn't make any difference to either of us.

I didn't know this - congrats on making a huge decision! What kind of PhD?

I'm attempting to motivate for a Master's, and so far, no luck...

Yeah, thanks. PhD in Leadership Studies. I'm basically doing it because if I'm going to stay in academia I need the regalia.

I'm only vaguely excited about it, and am mostly freaked out about how much it's going to cost.

Good luck on getting to your Master's. It's a huge decision, I know. I feel like there are more programs for full-time working adults now, though, which helps. At least you don't feel like you have to choose between having a job and going back to school.

If I'm going to torture myself by getting this PhD, I at least want to be able to indulge in retail therapy now and then.

07-23-2009, 01:29 PM

Luvmylocs, I had the same experience -- I had dated professional men who were jerks. When I met my fiance, we really clicked. I didn't care that he was in a supposedly less prestigious line of work. He's always worked hard and never been without a job.

ETA: I also think it's a shame that people think workers in the trades are somehow lower class. The world couldn't run without them.

melloweer · 07-23-2009, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

I'm kinda worried about this..and with some family, they can be snobby. My ex was blue collar and so is current SO, I'm white collar. Not an issue for me but I think a some people are weird about it(obviously since this thread has started).

If these people aren't in a position to have an effect on your relationship, I don't see the big deal. And really, you and your fellow are really the only ones who need to worry about it. If you're happy and he's happy, who cares what other people - even your parents/siblings - think?

Yea I know. I'm more annoyed about people's attitudes than worried and not looking forward to dealing with it if it goes there..

I tend to get over worried about what people think about me. I've been learning over the years how to not worry or care even if it's negitive from someone. It's hard a hell sometimes because I'm passionate about what I think and do sometimes.

So anyhow.....whenever I know I'm going somewhere where there is a lot of judgemental people (my inlaws are wack, they hold themselves in a higher and better place then everyone else in this world) I read this...I keep a small print out in my purse. Don't know if this will help you any but it helps me not absorb all the judgement people spew all the time.

Sorry for this being long but it's good....

Core philosophies of social thinking:

We “think with our eyes” to figure out other people’s thoughts, intentions, emotions, plans, etc.
Our thoughts and emotions are strongly connected. How we think affects how we feel, how we behave affects how others think and feel. If “your friends are people who make you feel good about you over time,” then you must learn how to make friends and how to make other people feel good using your actions and your language.
We think about people all the time, even when we have no plans to interact with them. We adjust our own behavior based on what we think the people around us are thinking. (This is how we drive our cars!).
As part of our humanity, each of us is on a daily quest to avoid each other’s “weird thoughts.” We constantly consider people around us and adjust our behavior to help people have “normal thoughts about us.”
Most of the core social thinking lessons operate BELOW the level of cultures, meaning that all people engage in these thoughts and social behavioral adjustments.
How we adapt our behavior changes as we age and are in different situations and cultures. The nuance and sophistication of our behaviors (which we refine greatly by 3rd grade and then across our entire lives) is constantly evolving.

So in a nutshell DON'T WORRY!!! Who care's what they think....if they want to spew their crap at you then tell them to write it on a postcard and send it to someone who will care