Pregnant child -- what to do?

I can't imagine what your friend must be going through. I'd be strongly encouraging adoption as well.

This is going to sound dumb but Dr. Phil had a few shows on a situation like this last season. The girl was 15 or 16 and didn't grasp the magnitude of the situation. The parents did NOT want to raise the baby. Dr. Phil made the girl do the practice parenting thing with a robot baby that needed feeding at night and couldn't be left alone. At the same time, the girl had to get a job and budget for supplies for the baby. She learned pretty quick that:
a. Babies can't be left alone at home while mom goes to work (she "forgot" the baby).
b. It's hard to get a job anyway at that age, let alone being pregnant as well.
c. Minimum wage doesn't go very far to pay for diapers, baby clothes, etc for the kid.

The other thing Dr. Phil did was put her in a group therapy of sorts with girls that had chosen the various options (adoption, abortion, keeping the baby) so she could hear first hand about how they turned out.

The girl ended up giving the baby up for adoption. She had decided pretty early on that abortion wasn't the answer for her.
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guano: KurlyKae, the dog in your avatar is beautiful!
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I don't know if anyone has said this...but this is the first thing that popped into my mind...is it possible that the father of this child is much older and/or an "abuser" of this girl? Or maybe even a "date rape" type situation? It seems kinda fishy that the parents didn't even know of a boyfriend, and now she refuses to say who it is? Not only that, she's refusing to go to school? Something just ain't adding up in this situation....

Initially I was going to say that I'd force the abortion option...but after reading more of what you have said...it seems to be MUCH more to this story. I would suggest some family counciling as well as individual therapy for the daughter.
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I don't know if anyone has said this...but this is the first thing that popped into my mind...is it possible that the father of this child is much older and/or an "abuser" of this girl? Or maybe even a "date rape" type situation? It seems kinda fishy that the parents didn't even know of a boyfriend, and now she refuses to say who it is? Not only that, she's refusing to go to school? Something just ain't adding up in this situation....

Initially I was going to say that I'd force the abortion option...but after reading more of what you have said...it seems to be MUCH more to this story. I would suggest some family counciling as well as individual therapy for the daughter.
Originally Posted by Nappy_curly_crown
I had that thought too after you answered my question Fig Jam. It seems really strange that she is insisting on keeping the baby but wont name the father. I agree with others that counseling needs to be sought out right away...even before a final decision is made.
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NCC... when I read that the girl wouldn't say who the father is, that occured to me as well. Let's hope that's not the case...
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OMG. I just don't know how to react. As the mother of a 14 yo girl, that's just terrifying. It sounds like your friend is handling the situation as well as can be expected. I agree that counciling is a very good idea, what ever the decision that is made. This girl is not equiped to become a mother, no 14 year old is, imo. I really hope they find a way to get her back in school. If she goes to one of the homes, do they require she enroll in a program? If she stays at home, can they consider a homeschooling program? Or, I think some states require districts to provide at home instruction/tutoring. (I may be wrong about that.) Certainly an evening GED program at the very least. Whether she has the baby, aborts, or gives up for adoption, an education is a requirement, not an option.

As the aunt to two adopted children, I can say there are wonderful agencies that can help this family consider that option. The agency my brother went through offers many options for the birthmother and the adoptive family, from open to closed adoptions, or something in between. The birthmother can be very involved in helping to choose the adopting couple. Let me know if your friends might be interested in looking at their website.
Originally Posted by KurlyKae
That might be an option for them -- when they get back to town, I'll ask if they'd like the information. Then if okay with you , I'll pm you?

Nappycurlycrown, I don't think so from what i know of the situation. In the school in the town they used to live in, she was "starting to run with some kids" that her mother didn't approve of. She's pretty sure it's one of them. I think it's kind of hard with this age kid and the parent(s) work -- they can come home alone and get into all kinds of mischief without your knowing it. The girl's older sister "thinks" she knows who it is, but original girl ain't saying.

I think part of the reason the girl is refusing to go to school is that it's a really small town, she's starting to show, and they are in a new school anyway. They (all the kids) hate their new school -- I mean, it's a REALLY small school -- and they're the new kids in town.

I, too, think there's more to the story but I don't think it's that. I'd say more about some things that might clarify but don't want to give too many identifying details just in case someone on here could know these folks . . . it really is a small world.

My nephew is adopted from a similar kind of situation; it was a private adoption through a church group of some kind, I think -- young kids got pregnant and abortion wasn't an option for them. My sister knew all the story but didn't know the kids involved -- I think they had the option to make it open but none of the parties were really interested in going that route. Anyway, hard to believe he's going to be 30 next year!
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Last edited by fig jam; 09-19-2009 at 02:29 PM.
NCC... when I read that the girl wouldn't say who the father is, that occured to me as well. Let's hope that's not the case...
Originally Posted by Gemini13

I hope so too. The OP didn't say how far along the daughter is....maybe there is time to start thearpy before making a decision that's so drastic.
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NCC... when I read that the girl wouldn't say who the father is, that occured to me as well. Let's hope that's not the case...
Originally Posted by Gemini13

I hope so too. The OP didn't say how far along the daughter is....maybe there is time to start thearpy before making a decision that's so drastic.
Originally Posted by Nappy_curly_crown
I'm not sure exactly how far along she is -- I know when mom took her for her first prenatal visit the doctor told her she was further along than mother had guessed. I want to say 4 months? That was about 2 weeks ago. I may have that wrong, but I remember thinking she was past her first trimester.

I absolutely agree the whole family needs counseling. One of the problems they've had to deal with was a divorce, and this is the girl who took it the hardest -- it was years ago, but she still seems to harbor some anger at her mom. I don't think dad's been a part of the picture much at all.
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Why is the family looking for a home for her? the girl has a home and a mother who love her, if she wouln't have an abortion and was my daughter, then I guess I'd have a new baby to love and take care of. I just don't get why they are looking at unwed girls homes (and do they really excist in this day and age). Plus are these homes costly?
Have they looked at specialty schools for young expectant mothers? I know here in Miami, they have a few middle/high schools for pregnant teenage girls.

A classmate of mine is a teacher at one, and one of my SIL's went to one when she was pregnant with my niece.

The girls receive their education, counseling, parenting classes, and learn more about their options (such as adoption). Since they are there with other girls in the same situation they are not stigmatized, and learn a lot from each others situations. I believe in some cases they even have counseling for the parents as well.
Yep! this>
Yikes. What a sad situation for all concerned.

It doesn't seem like the 14 year old should be calling all of the shots. She has clearly not demonstrated a lot of responsibility so far. (And don't even get me started on the "dad"!!) I don't think it's unreasonable for the mom to tell the 14 y/o "Here are your choices:" and then list two or three that would be tolerable to the mom. And I certainly can't blame the mom for not wanting to raise her grandkid - so that should be spelled out as a non-option ....

I'm just counting my blessings at this point.....
Originally Posted by 2poodles
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there is a school like that back where I grew up - for expectant mother and new mothers, so they can finish high school with a diploma and not a GED - or go back and get their GED if they need to.
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Why is the family looking for a home for her? the girl has a home and a mother who love her, if she wouln't have an abortion and was my daughter, then I guess I'd have a new baby to love and take care of. I just don't get why they are looking at unwed girls homes (and do they really excist in this day and age). Plus are these homes costly?
Originally Posted by big hair 50
The grandmom to be has every right to have a choice in whether she wants to go through all the child-raising stuff on-top of still raising a teenager. I dont know what i'd do but i would have a hard time dealing with an irresponsible young hormonal child and her child myself.
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Last edited by LL~2009; 09-19-2009 at 05:35 PM. Reason: correction
OMG. I just don't know how to react. As the mother of a 14 yo girl, that's just terrifying. It sounds like your friend is handling the situation as well as can be expected. I agree that counciling is a very good idea, what ever the decision that is made. This girl is not equiped to become a mother, no 14 year old is, imo. I really hope they find a way to get her back in school. If she goes to one of the homes, do they require she enroll in a program? If she stays at home, can they consider a homeschooling program? Or, I think some states require districts to provide at home instruction/tutoring. (I may be wrong about that.) Certainly an evening GED program at the very least. Whether she has the baby, aborts, or gives up for adoption, an education is a requirement, not an option.

As the aunt to two adopted children, I can say there are wonderful agencies that can help this family consider that option. The agency my brother went through offers many options for the birthmother and the adoptive family, from open to closed adoptions, or something in between. The birthmother can be very involved in helping to choose the adopting couple. Let me know if your friends might be interested in looking at their website.
Originally Posted by KurlyKae
That might be an option for them -- when they get back to town, I'll ask if they'd like the information. Then if okay with you , I'll pm you?
Originally Posted by fig jam
Absolutely. If I don't answer in a reasonable amount of time, give me a shout out in the threads, okay? Like, "KK, you have a PM." Sometime I don't notice PMs.
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what would i do if my daughter was 14 and 4 months pregnant?

clearly abortion is out of the question at this late stage.

i think i would find where she could go to night school that way she could still continue to get her education and i wouldn't give a flying fig what she wanted to do.

i would comfort her by telling her it would only be for one year and she could continue to go back to school with her friends the following year.

the mom just has to suck it up and realize that she's going to have to raise this child until the daughter is ready to take over, period.

i wouldn't let my daughter give up her baby for adoption. we'd just all have to be poor and struggle together.

i would totally be after the father and the father's parents though for emotional and finacial support.

luckily the daughter should still be covered by the mom's health insurance.

if she stays in school i guess she can get government benefits, that should help to pay for day care when the baby is born and until graduation.
Why is the family looking for a home for her? the girl has a home and a mother who love her, if she wouln't have an abortion and was my daughter, then I guess I'd have a new baby to love and take care of. I just don't get why they are looking at unwed girls homes (and do they really excist in this day and age). Plus are these homes costly?
Originally Posted by big hair 50
The grandmom to be has every right to have a choice in whether she wants to go through all the child-raising stuff on-top of still raising a teenager. I dont know what i'd do but i would have a hard time dealing with an irresponsible young hormonal child and her child myself.
Originally Posted by LL~2009
Somehow, I don't think that those homes are publicly funded. So she's willing to pay x amount of dollars in exchange for not having to deal with her daughter while she's pregnant.

What will happen if she decides that she wants to keep the baby, no matter what? Is she supposed to stay in the home until she's 18? I guess she could send the child to live with her father or another relative...
I don't know if anyone has said this...but this is the first thing that popped into my mind...is it possible that the father of this child is much older and/or an "abuser" of this girl? Or maybe even a "date rape" type situation? It seems kinda fishy that the parents didn't even know of a boyfriend, and now she refuses to say who it is? Not only that, she's refusing to go to school? Something just ain't adding up in this situation....

Initially I was going to say that I'd force the abortion option...but after reading more of what you have said...it seems to be MUCH more to this story. I would suggest some family counciling as well as individual therapy for the daughter.
Originally Posted by Nappy_curly_crown


This.

I also immediately thought I would push strongly for abortion, but after reading more of the thread, there is definitely something wrong with this story, and I would suspect abuse as well. I think counseling right now is a very good idea, rather than looking for "unwed mother" homes (what the hell is the use of an unwed mother home anyway? Is that just to hide the pregnant teenager from the neighbors?)
Why is the family looking for a home for her? the girl has a home and a mother who love her, if she wouln't have an abortion and was my daughter, then I guess I'd have a new baby to love and take care of. I just don't get why they are looking at unwed girls homes (and do they really excist in this day and age). Plus are these homes costly?
Originally Posted by big hair 50
The grandmom to be has every right to have a choice in whether she wants to go through all the child-raising stuff on-top of still raising a teenager. I dont know what i'd do but i would have a hard time dealing with an irresponsible young hormonal child and her child myself.
Originally Posted by LL~2009
Somehow, I don't think that those homes are publicly funded. So she's willing to pay x amount of dollars in exchange for not having to deal with her daughter while she's pregnant.

What will happen if she decides that she wants to keep the baby, no matter what? Is she supposed to stay in the home until she's 18? I guess she could send the child to live with her father or another relative...
Originally Posted by CurlyCurlies
I don't know very much about the "homes." I know one is run by Catholic Services.

She would be happy to have her daughter stay at home and would prefer that, but the girl is refusing to go to the local school. The state will NOT help with this. (This is what makes my eyes bug out -- that this state does not have any care or investment in young girls' education once they become pregnant. They don't have to go to school any more if they don't want to. Period. Otherwise, (nonpregnant) kids have to stay in school until they're 17.)

So, the home provides education or has a school (I'm not sure which), provides counseling regarding adoption or keeping the child (I don't think the "home" cares which she does but wants her to consider all options), etc.

The main thing about the "home" is that it's a way for her daughter to keep up with her education, so she doesn't become a high school (jr high?) dropout. You know what a great start to life that would be.

It's the girl who is ashamed or self-conscious about going to school pregnant, not the mom. And I am sure the local kids can be pretty nasty. She didn't have any friends at this school yet, so I imagine it is pretty rough for her.

I don't know what I would do in this situation. I am a little older than my friend, but I don't feel any more equipped to start raising a baby at my age than I would have when I was 14. For different reasons, of course -- I might have the wisdom or judgment to do it, but I sure as hell don't have the physical energy nor do I have the desire.

I'd be very concerned about forcing this momentous a decision on a child this age, but OTOH, does that mean mom have to take the consequences for an action she did not commit?

This woman does not make enough money to afford child care, either. She was unable to afford our group insurance premiums until she'd gotten a promotion or two. One of the contributing problems with this young girl has probably been that no one is supervising after school except her older sister.
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