Pregnant child -- what to do?

she's starting to show
Originally Posted by fig jam

She's probably at least 20 or so weeks then, so it may be too late, or almost too late, for an abortion.

To me, it sounds like your friend has got a lot more problems with the daughter than just a pregnancy.
she's starting to show
Originally Posted by fig jam

She's probably at least 20 or so weeks then, so it may be too late, or almost too late, for an abortion.

To me, it sounds like your friend has got a lot more problems with the daughter than just a pregnancy.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
She does, but I didn't want to post about that because of the chance that someone who knew me or them is on this site . . . More details would make them pretty identifiable.

I don't think the problems they have are that unusual these days, though. Unfortunately.

This is the first time I've been this close to a teen pregnancy situation. You read about them all the time, but I'd never really sat down and thought about all the details that make them so complicated . . .

If I'd had an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, I'd have either had an abortion or given up the baby for adoption. Even as a teen, I never wanted children, so for me that would not have been a choice I made.

My biggest fear would have been telling my mother I was pregnant.

But I never had given much thought to the parents of the teenager in a situation like this. I knew that a lot of them end up raising the babies, and in fact, in the old days, there were a number of cases where the baby was passed off as a much younger sibling of the teen.

In fact, I recently saw something about a well-known actor (Jack Nicholson?) having grown up thinking his mother was his older sister, then finding out when he was an adult that she was his mom.

Anyway, these are decisions I don't think most parents are prepared to make FOR their children, and there's even a question whether they should allow the child to decide for themselves or not.

But the decision to keep the child affects the grandparents SO directly -- who should make it? That's what is hard to wrap my mind around.
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In fact, I recently saw something about a well-known actor (Jack Nicholson?) having grown up thinking his mother was his older sister, then finding out when he was an adult that she was his mom.

Anyway, these are decisions I don't think most parents are prepared to make FOR their children, and there's even a question whether they should allow the child to decide for themselves or not.

But the decision to keep the child affects the grandparents SO directly -- who should make it? That's what is hard to wrap my mind around.
Originally Posted by fig jam

Yes, Jack Nicholson found out his sister was really his mother when was an adult, long after both women were dead, so he couldn't even verify or ask them why, or even who his real father was. So, this is nothing new. Teens have been tormenting their parents with pregnancy, probably since the beginning of time.

The law gives all the decision-making power to the pregnant teen. And I think that's best...no one should be able to legally make a decision for someone else's pregnancy or child, even if the woman is still underage. However, parents do still have influence over their pregnant children. Your friend is going to have to find a way to make this situation work out as best she can for both herself and her daughter/grandchild. I wish them well.

Last edited by RedCatWaves; 09-19-2009 at 06:59 PM.
i feel for your friend.

but, God forbid, if i were in the same situation, i would suck up my disappointment and negative feelings and do what was best for my child. and if my daughter decided that she wanted to keep her baby i would do everything in my power to continue being the best parent to her as well as being the best role model for my grandchild. for me, i plan on being a supportive parent as long as my child needs me. she needs a mother to help her through this.
My heart goes out to them. That's a terrible situation.

They cannot make their daughter give the baby up. Don't think that's quite legal (or even moral).

Maybe they can somehow convince/show the girl that adoption would be the best option for her. And even as I'm typing that, I don't think it's a guarantee that it is...I know that if I had a baby at the young age of 14, I would not have given it up for anyone... and if somehow I were cajoled, shamed or browbeaten into doing it I would never have gotten over it. Or forgiven my parents. Not ever. But that's me. Maybe the parents can truly make the girl change her mind.

It's a haaaaard situation. I hope it ends well.
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In fact, I recently saw something about a well-known actor (Jack Nicholson?) having grown up thinking his mother was his older sister, then finding out when he was an adult that she was his mom.
Something similar happened to Eric Clapton.
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I don't think that I would push abortion OR adoption OR a teen home on my daughter in that situation. I think it's just too huge of a situation with too many repercussions through the rest of a woman's life. Even though she is only 14, immature, and scared, she cares enough about the pregnancy that she doesn't want to terminate, and I think pressuring her into adoption could really scar her. I do however agree that she doesn't sound well-equipped to be a parent and the mother has the right not to want to take on the baby herself. Nonetheless, when you become a parent, I believe you do to an extent take on situations like this. This is your friend's daughter and grandchild - you only get one chance to do it right and you don't want to do things you or anyone else will regret later.

I think what I would do is line up support to help this girl be a mother. I don't know what is available where you live, but where I am, there are social workers who will support young mothers and teach them parenting skills and check up on the babies. There are high schools which have programs for teen mothers to go to school and have their babies cared for. I would look into what is available to ease the burden on the mother. The daughter may also be eligible for welfare or subsidized child care and I wouldn't be ashamed to take that if that's what the family needs.

Also, I would lay down the law on other things. I don't think it's the mother's place to pressure the girl into adoption, but she absolutely should insist that she stays in school and does as well as she can. That would be non-negotiable for me. I think it's ridiculous too that a pregnant girl is excused from having to go to school - not under my roof! The mother should sit down with her and explain why school is even MORE important now because she is to be a mother. And the good side is that by the time she is 18 and ready for some kind of college, vocational program or whatever, her child will be coming up to school age and it will be a lot easier to do it with a child that age than a baby.

The mother also needs to make sure the girl understands about pregnancy prevention in the future - another child before she is self-sufficient could set things back even further. And the mother should make it clear that while the mother is willing to lend some support - let her live there IF she follows whatever house rules the mother has - the daughter is the baby's mother and she is responsible for the bulk of the feeding, changing etc. The mother can help her learn, help out once in a while to give her a break etc. but she is not going to babysit every weekend or be the one up all night every night.

Also, if possible I'd find out who the father is and contact his parents - they should also be helping out with some babysitting, financial support etc. and the boy also needs to take some responsibility and get involved. If they aren't sure or there are denials, I'd get DNA testing done - worth it in the long run.

That's got to be a tough position for the mother - how heartbreaking.
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i feel for your friend.

but, God forbid, if i were in the same situation, i would suck up my disappointment and negative feelings and do what was best for my child. and if my daughter decided that she wanted to keep her baby i would do everything in my power to continue being the best parent to her as well as being the best role model for my grandchild. for me, i plan on being a supportive parent as long as my child needs me. she needs a mother to help her through this.
Originally Posted by subbrock

yes... I agree... to me that's part of what a mother does and it is a very hard and thankless job, no doubt, but it needs to be done.
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i feel for your friend.

but, God forbid, if i were in the same situation, i would suck up my disappointment and negative feelings and do what was best for my child. and if my daughter decided that she wanted to keep her baby i would do everything in my power to continue being the best parent to her as well as being the best role model for my grandchild. for me, i plan on being a supportive parent as long as my child needs me. she needs a mother to help her through this.
Originally Posted by subbrock
Well said!
I hope I could do the same & not be so disappointed that I would have the wrong attitude... :dunno:
In fact, I recently saw something about a well-known actor (Jack Nicholson?) having grown up thinking his mother was his older sister, then finding out when he was an adult that she was his mom.
Something similar happened to Eric Clapton.
Originally Posted by Phoenix

And Ted Bundy.

I can't help but think that the resentment of women came from that arrangement.
I want to point out - as a kind of segway into another thread - that this is exactly what can happen if you don't have open communication with your children.

Children need acceptance. The first relationship they develop is that with their parents. If they aren't feeling understood or accepted at home, they are going to try to find acceptance elsewhere.

I know parents are human, and that's a hard concept for children to get. But getting in and out of relationships, and getting caught up in 'life' situations makes it easy for a teenager to get forgotten in the shuffle. It's so sad because parents feel that since the kids are older, and independent, they don't need to be around as much, and they start to get involved in their own personal lives. When really, this is when a child needs you the most, emotionally.
my high school friend had a baby at 15. nothing happened to hinder her life. she continued to go to high school, graduated, married (not the father of the child) had two more children, bought a home and has been employed working a white collar job for many years. the child she had at 15 went on to college, graduated, she married and had a child.

note: a teen mother doesn't beget a teen mother.

oh, and my friend never received any government assistance, she was just supported by her family.
my high school friend had a baby at 15. nothing happened to hinder her life. she continued to go to high school, graduated, married (not the father of the child) had two more children, bought a home and has been employed working a white collar job for many years. the child she had at 15 went on to college, graduated, she married and had a child.

note: a teen mother doesn't beget a teen mother.

oh, and my friend never received any government assistance, she was just supported by her family.
Originally Posted by frau


Sure. Hence why I don't think the ONLY answer is adoption or abortion.

I mean, ya, it's going to have a HUGE impact on her life, but it's her life. And whatever choice she will make will be her life story to tell.

It doesn't have to ruin you. It can very well mold you.

I hate to say 'you made your bed, now it's time to sleep in it'....but....
I don't think that I would push abortion OR adoption OR a teen home on my daughter in that situation. I think it's just too huge of a situation with too many repercussions through the rest of a woman's life. Even though she is only 14, immature, and scared, she cares enough about the pregnancy that she doesn't want to terminate, and I think pressuring her into adoption could really scar her. I do however agree that she doesn't sound well-equipped to be a parent and the mother has the right not to want to take on the baby herself. Nonetheless, when you become a parent, I believe you do to an extent take on situations like this. This is your friend's daughter and grandchild - you only get one chance to do it right and you don't want to do things you or anyone else will regret later.

I think what I would do is line up support to help this girl be a mother. I don't know what is available where you live, but where I am, there are social workers who will support young mothers and teach them parenting skills and check up on the babies. There are high schools which have programs for teen mothers to go to school and have their babies cared for. I would look into what is available to ease the burden on the mother. The daughter may also be eligible for welfare or subsidized child care and I wouldn't be ashamed to take that if that's what the family needs.

Also, I would lay down the law on other things. I don't think it's the mother's place to pressure the girl into adoption, but she absolutely should insist that she stays in school and does as well as she can. That would be non-negotiable for me. I think it's ridiculous too that a pregnant girl is excused from having to go to school - not under my roof! The mother should sit down with her and explain why school is even MORE important now because she is to be a mother. And the good side is that by the time she is 18 and ready for some kind of college, vocational program or whatever, her child will be coming up to school age and it will be a lot easier to do it with a child that age than a baby.

The mother also needs to make sure the girl understands about pregnancy prevention in the future - another child before she is self-sufficient could set things back even further. And the mother should make it clear that while the mother is willing to lend some support - let her live there IF she follows whatever house rules the mother has - the daughter is the baby's mother and she is responsible for the bulk of the feeding, changing etc. The mother can help her learn, help out once in a while to give her a break etc. but she is not going to babysit every weekend or be the one up all night every night.

Also, if possible I'd find out who the father is and contact his parents - they should also be helping out with some babysitting, financial support etc. and the boy also needs to take some responsibility and get involved. If they aren't sure or there are denials, I'd get DNA testing done - worth it in the long run.

That's got to be a tough position for the mother - how heartbreaking.
Originally Posted by Amneris
ITA will all of this. So shes having a baby- its not the end of the world- her life isnt over its just different.
I have no advice, just ((hugs)) to your friend and her daughter.
Originally Posted by Poodlehead
Same here...a heartbreaking situation.
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It just occurred to me that it's a shame that this young woman's mother is assuming that all the burden must fall on her. She should if at all possible get the young man's family involved too. There's no reason that her daughter can't go and live with them, full or part-time, is there? She could live with her mother during the week and go to the baby's father on weekends or something, for example.
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She should if at all possible get the young man's family involved too. There's no reason that her daughter can't go and live with them, full or part-time, is there?
There might be lots of reasons, namely, that he and/or his parents don't want to help. I'm not say they don't, just that they might not. The girl isn't naming the father. He might not even know. But I'm sure the girl's mother has considered the father.
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It just occurred to me that it's a shame that this young woman's mother is assuming that all the burden must fall on her. She should if at all possible get the young man's family involved too.
Originally Posted by Amneris
IDK, I mean, how much can you really rely on a 14 year old father?

I just seems to me that when this happens, the responsibility does fall on the woman's family. From what I've seen (only 5,6 people.)
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Can you rely on a father for that? I don't know anything about child support law, but I get the impression that all the courts really require is financial support. Is the father ever forced to have physical contact with the child?
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man thats a tough situation. every family is different thats for sure and the solutions is not one size fits all.

I have a 15 year old daughter and we talk openly about teen pregnancy my values and expectations for her as well as the benefits of remaining childless at this point and the consequences of not remaining childless.

We have had two abortions in our family that we know (cousins) of and she and i talked about that. The understanding is that if she doesnt want an abortion or to hand over her baby to me to raise (cause im not going to stand by and have an innocent baby be saddled with a teen mother) then she needs to choose wisely.

Kids having sex at 14 is not our norm and if ur kid is having sex at 14 something is wrong in that family. You cant totally prevent it but you can lessen the chances it will happen. Lots of teens into adult hood without ever having been pregnant.

Counseling is an excellent recommendation One I hope they are able to take advantage of to help them figurre this out.

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