Pregnant child -- what to do?

She should if at all possible get the young man's family involved too. There's no reason that her daughter can't go and live with them, full or part-time, is there?
There might be lots of reasons, namely, that he and/or his parents don't want to help. I'm not say they don't, just that they might not. The girl isn't naming the father. He might not even know. But I'm sure the girl's mother has considered the father.
Originally Posted by Phoenix
Well, yes it's possible that the boy's parents wouldn't want to be involved, or that, once she met them, she wouldn't want them involved. But they should still have at least some kind of financial responsibility until the boy comes of age and takes it on himself. If the daughter ever admits who he is...

IDK, I mean, how much can you really rely on a 14 year old father?

I just seems to me that when this happens, the responsibility does fall on the woman's family. From what I've seen (only 5,6 people.)
Originally Posted by TillyMunchyWaves
How much can you rely on a 14 yo mother? Anyway, I'm pretty sure Amneris wasn't talking about leaving the baby with its father, but having both parents there.

The responsibility almost always falls on the girl's family but there's no reason why that has to be the case. I lived with my Dad's parents (and my Mom moved in once she and my Dad got married) until I was in high school and my Mom could afford a place of our own.
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Last edited by Gemini13; 09-21-2009 at 09:33 AM.
She should if at all possible get the young man's family involved too. There's no reason that her daughter can't go and live with them, full or part-time, is there?
There might be lots of reasons, namely, that he and/or his parents don't want to help. I'm not say they don't, just that they might not. The girl isn't naming the father. He might not even know. But I'm sure the girl's mother has considered the father.
Originally Posted by Phoenix
Well, yes it's possible that the boy's parents wouldn't want to be involved, or that, once she met them, she wouldn't want them involved. But they should still have at least some kind of financial responsibility until the boy comes of age and takes it on himself. If the daughter ever admits who he is...

IDK, I mean, how much can you really rely on a 14 year old father?

I just seems to me that when this happens, the responsibility does fall on the woman's family. From what I've seen (only 5,6 people.)
Originally Posted by TillyMunchyWaves
How much can you rely on a 14 yo mother? Anyway, I'm pretty sure Amneris wasn't talking about leaving the baby with its father, but having both parents there.

The responsibility almost always falls on the girl's family but there's no reason why that has to be the case. I lived with my Dad's parents (and my Mom moved in once she and my Dad got married) until I was in high school and my Mom could afford a place of our own.
Originally Posted by Gemini13

Exactly. Whether or not the boy's family wants to is beside the point - the girl's family doesn't want to either in this case, but they will do it because it's the right thing to do. If you know or can find out who the boy is, using DNA if necessary, there's no moral reason for him and his family not to be involved and there are legal reasons that they should.

No, you can't force a father to have contact with his child, but you can force financial support (which could in this case help the mother by hiring a babysitter, covering medical expenses, diapers etc.) and since he is a minor his parents are responsible in his place, and his parents, if they are moral beings at all, should want to spend some time/ease the burden too. I'd certainly try. Obviously if they seem like they would pose a danger to the daughter or the baby they shouldn't be involved, but it's just as possible that they're nice people.

And this girl sounds pretty immature and unreliable herself so really, can the father be any worse?
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Exactly. Whether or not the boy's family wants to is beside the point - the girl's family doesn't want to either in this case, but they will do it because it's the right thing to do. If you know or can find out who the boy is, using DNA if necessary, there's no moral reason for him and his family not to be involved and there are legal reasons that they should.

No, you can't force a father to have contact with his child, but you can force financial support (which could in this case help the mother by hiring a babysitter, covering medical expenses, diapers etc.) and since he is a minor his parents are responsible in his place, and his parents, if they are moral beings at all, should want to spend some time/ease the burden too. I'd certainly try. Obviously if they seem like they would pose a danger to the daughter or the baby they shouldn't be involved, but it's just as possible that they're nice people.

And this girl sounds pretty immature and unreliable herself so really, can the father be any worse?[/quote]

Here's the thing...the girl is a child herself. A child raising a baby. Ultimately, for better or for worse, if the baby isn't given up for adoption, the girl's parents will probably have to be the primary caregivers. This girl is in the 8th or 9th grade. That being said, how is she going to continue her education and be a full time mom? Although, teen moms get free child care, free college, free medical care, etc, don't they? so maybe she would have time. I don't know.

Also, I can't see the mother of a 14 year old letting her go live with another family, especially if he is a member of this "bad crowd" she was running with.

Should a baby even be in the primary care of a pair of 14 year olds? Is that really safe? Also, I've never heard of a law saying that grandparents have to pay for child support. 14 year olds are barely old enough to work...

This is a complicated situation. Ultimately, though, yes, it would be nice if everyone was involved, but usually it's not the case. The mother's family has to take on most of the responsibility of having the child. It's just how things usually work out. Especially when you are dealing with a very young teenager. I think it would be different if the person in question was 17.
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I know several people who were pregnant at age 14 or 15. It's rough but it's not the end of the world. The 14 y/o should keep her baby and the mother should help. What if the 14 y/o became paralyzed or brain damaged? Would the mother just say, "F it, I'm done w/ kids!" No, she would hopefully buckle down and do what she needed to do.

A home for unwed mothers??? Is she serious? Are we back in the 1950s?
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No, you can't force a father to have contact with his child, but you can force financial support (which could in this case help the mother by hiring a babysitter, covering medical expenses, diapers etc.) and since he is a minor his parents are responsible in his place, and his parents, if they are moral beings at all, should want to spend some time/ease the burden too. I'd certainly try. Obviously if they seem like they would pose a danger to the daughter or the baby they shouldn't be involved, but it's just as possible that they're nice people.

And this girl sounds pretty immature and unreliable herself so really, can the father be any worse?
Originally Posted by Amneris

I don't think it's true that parents are responsible for child support payments for their son if he's a minor and not working. I really doubt you could get that to stick.
The home for unwed mothers scares me. Are there seriously places like this anymore?

Can people not remember what these places used to be like?

I can get behind some sort of day school for young mothers/fathers where they can go get an education while having somewhere safe at the school to leave their child while in lessons- and it means they are free to concentrate on getting an education without suffering from bullying/judgement from other school-children.

But sending the daughter and child away completely? I really don't like that. Its like you are punishing them/ashamed of them.


Also benefits- I think this another issue in itself. I think we do need to provide help for people in this sort of situation- but a lot of young girls just take the benefits and dont ever try to earn money. Perhaps some sort of scheme where- yes you get benefits to help out (and the father MUST pay too) but only if you go on to receive and education and work for a living- at some point there is a cut-of. I dunno just thinking out loud here......
The home for unwed mothers scares me. Are there seriously places like this anymore?

Can people not remember what these places used to be like?
Originally Posted by kat180

There are some still in existance. They're all run by religious organizations, and they push adoption pretty heavily...probably a nice source of healthy-white-infants, which we all know are a lucrative commodity.
I feel bad for this mother. I totally get her feelings and I don't think she should be condemned for feeling that way. I am sure she will do whatever is best for her daughter but there is nothing wrong with feeling like somehow she gets the raw end of the deal. I get that. And I am getting the feeling that some are insinuating she is a bad mother for not jumping up and down with joy that she is going to be grandmother.
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I agree, xcptnl.
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I feel bad for this mother. I totally get her feelings and I don't think she should be condemned for feeling that way. I am sure she will do whatever is best for her daughter but there is nothing wrong with feeling like somehow she gets the raw end of the deal. I get that. And I am getting the feeling that some are insinuating she is a bad mother for not jumping up and down with joy that she is going to be grandmother.
Originally Posted by xcptnl
I agree, xcptnl.
Originally Posted by Gemini13
+2

This is such a difficult situation. There really is no perfect answer. Whatever decisions are made, everyone's life is forever changed by the decision of this girl to have sex. Which is really the overriding point for me. I have a 15 year old daughter and believe me, we have had these kinds of discussions a number of times but I am reminded that we need to have many more. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I were in this mother's shoes.

I understand that even though this girl is a minor and her parents cannot legally decide what happens with the baby, I also believe that the girls parents cannot legally be made to care for the baby. The OP has said that the mother has stated she does not want to take on that responsibility. She should not be condemned for stating her wishes. I know that at this point in my life, I would have a hard time wanting to take on that responsibility if the same set of circumstances occurred in our family.

To me, the best of all possible situations is putting the baby up for adoption where the baby would have the joy and love and security of a two-parent, intact, loving mother and father. That is the ideal.

I realize that at this point in time, the girl does not want to adopt out, but that can always change as she gets further along and reality begins to set in. I think it would be helpful at this stage for her to visit group homes for unwed teens. She needs to see first hand how difficult her future will be because she wants to keep her baby.

The mother also ought to schedule a consultation with a family attorney, with the daughter present, to discuss possible emancipation from her parents if her mother is adamant about not wanting to raise her grandchild. I realize it may sound harsh, however, the daughter being forced to listen to the ramifications of her being an emancipated minor may be another avenue to force her into looking at the harsh reality of keeping this baby. She may just welcome adoption as a viable alternative.

Again, I do not have all the answers. I can give my daughter a big hug, some words of advice, and thank my lucky stars that I am not currently in this sad situation.
I feel bad for this mother. I totally get her feelings and I don't think she should be condemned for feeling that way. I am sure she will do whatever is best for her daughter but there is nothing wrong with feeling like somehow she gets the raw end of the deal. I get that. And I am getting the feeling that some are insinuating she is a bad mother for not jumping up and down with joy that she is going to be grandmother.
Originally Posted by xcptnl
I agree, xcptnl.
Originally Posted by Gemini13
+2

This is such a difficult situation. There really is no perfect answer. Whatever decisions are made, everyone's life is forever changed by the decision of this girl to have sex. Which is really the overriding point for me. I have a 15 year old daughter and believe me, we have had these kinds of discussions a number of times but I am reminded that we need to have many more. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I were in this mother's shoes.

I understand that even though this girl is a minor and her parents cannot legally decide what happens with the baby, I also believe that the girls parents cannot legally be made to care for the baby. The OP has said that the mother has stated she does not want to take on that responsibility. She should not be condemned for stating her wishes. I know that at this point in my life, I would have a hard time wanting to take on that responsibility if the same set of circumstances occurred in our family.

To me, the best of all possible situations is putting the baby up for adoption where the baby would have the joy and love and security of a two-parent, intact, loving mother and father. That is the ideal.

I realize that at this point in time, the girl does not want to adopt out, but that can always change as she gets further along and reality begins to set in. I think it would be helpful at this stage for her to visit group homes for unwed teens. She needs to see first hand how difficult her future will be because she wants to keep her baby.

The mother also ought to schedule a consultation with a family attorney, with the daughter present, to discuss possible emancipation from her parents if her mother is adamant about not wanting to raise her grandchild. I realize it may sound harsh, however, the daughter being forced to listen to the ramifications of her being an emancipated minor may be another avenue to force her into looking at the harsh reality of keeping this baby. She may just welcome adoption as a viable alternative.

Again, I do not have all the answers. I can give my daughter a big hug, some words of advice, and thank my lucky stars that I am not currently in this sad situation.
Originally Posted by misspam
Well said!
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I know that by this point, the abortion option is obviously off the table however, I just noticed that earlier in the thread a few posters wrote about 'encouraging' abortion. As someone who suffered through a coerced abortion, I wish that the people in my life who knew about my pregnancy were supportive of me and all my options. Had I been able to come to the decision to abort on my own without the pressures of others (including the father), I am certain that I would not be suffering through a debilitating depression. I needed people to listen to me, but to keep their opinions to themselves as I was vulnerable and terrified. Granted, my situation was different in that I was half way through university and therefore a bit older than this girl but regardless of age, I feel that people don't realize the repercussions of coerced abortion and the devastating effect it can have on a woman's life.
I am and always will be pro choice but the key there is choice. Abortion, just like adoption and parenting, is an incredibly difficult decision and if I could, I would go back and get myself into counselling before my abortion so that no matter what decision I came to, I would know that it was the best decision for me at the time.
I truly hope that this girl gets the individual counselling she needs at this time to come to a decision that she can be at peace with, whether it is adoption or parenting.
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what would i do if my daughter was 14 and 4 months pregnant?

clearly abortion is out of the question at this late stage.

i think i would find where she could go to night school that way she could still continue to get her education and i wouldn't give a flying fig what she wanted to do.

i would comfort her by telling her it would only be for one year and she could continue to go back to school with her friends the following year.

the mom just has to suck it up and realize that she's going to have to raise this child until the daughter is ready to take over, period.

i wouldn't let my daughter give up her baby for adoption. we'd just all have to be poor and struggle together.

i would totally be after the father and the father's parents though for emotional and finacial support.

luckily the daughter should still be covered by the mom's health insurance.

if she stays in school i guess she can get government benefits, that should help to pay for day care when the baby is born and until graduation.
Originally Posted by frau
+1
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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I think there's a difference between coersion and encouragement. I'm sorry you felt coerced.
RedCatWaves- between the weed discussion & the Homes for Unwed Mothers are white baby factories comment- you are on a ROLL! Go on girl! We are on the same page today! LOL! I have been cracking up over here!
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I feel bad for this mother. I totally get her feelings and I don't think she should be condemned for feeling that way. I am sure she will do whatever is best for her daughter but there is nothing wrong with feeling like somehow she gets the raw end of the deal. I get that. And I am getting the feeling that some are insinuating she is a bad mother for not jumping up and down with joy that she is going to be grandmother.
Originally Posted by xcptnl
I agree, xcptnl.
Originally Posted by Gemini13
+2

This is such a difficult situation. There really is no perfect answer. Whatever decisions are made, everyone's life is forever changed by the decision of this girl to have sex. Which is really the overriding point for me. I have a 15 year old daughter and believe me, we have had these kinds of discussions a number of times but I am reminded that we need to have many more. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I were in this mother's shoes.

I understand that even though this girl is a minor and her parents cannot legally decide what happens with the baby, I also believe that the girls parents cannot legally be made to care for the baby. The OP has said that the mother has stated she does not want to take on that responsibility. She should not be condemned for stating her wishes. I know that at this point in my life, I would have a hard time wanting to take on that responsibility if the same set of circumstances occurred in our family.

To me, the best of all possible situations is putting the baby up for adoption where the baby would have the joy and love and security of a two-parent, intact, loving mother and father. That is the ideal.

I realize that at this point in time, the girl does not want to adopt out, but that can always change as she gets further along and reality begins to set in. I think it would be helpful at this stage for her to visit group homes for unwed teens. She needs to see first hand how difficult her future will be because she wants to keep her baby.

The mother also ought to schedule a consultation with a family attorney, with the daughter present, to discuss possible emancipation from her parents if her mother is adamant about not wanting to raise her grandchild. I realize it may sound harsh, however, the daughter being forced to listen to the ramifications of her being an emancipated minor may be another avenue to force her into looking at the harsh reality of keeping this baby. She may just welcome adoption as a viable alternative.

Again, I do not have all the answers. I can give my daughter a big hug, some words of advice, and thank my lucky stars that I am not currently in this sad situation.
Originally Posted by misspam
Well said!
Originally Posted by TillyMunchyWaves
ITA
I feel bad for this mother. I totally get her feelings and I don't think she should be condemned for feeling that way. I am sure she will do whatever is best for her daughter but there is nothing wrong with feeling like somehow she gets the raw end of the deal. I get that. And I am getting the feeling that some are insinuating she is a bad mother for not jumping up and down with joy that she is going to be grandmother.
Originally Posted by xcptnl
That's pretty much how I feel about it. It's just sad all the way around, and no way for anyone to "win" --

I'm the one who called it a "home for unwed mothers" -- I don't know what they call themselves. I was being a bit of my usual smartass, because I do remember the rumors of the old-style ones in the 1950 and '60s. Back then I think they were just a waystation for teen moms
to be hidden from respectable society and to give up the babies for adoption, no other option available.

There are NO resources here where we live. Very few for counseling, nothing that provides or encourages education for girls in her situation WHO BY THEIR OWN CHOICE don't want to stay in their schools.

The mother would prefer it if this girl would stay at home and go to school here, but she (the girl) refuses to go to school. THAT is why they are taking this option -- not because they are ashamed of her or want to hide her.

The girl did decide to stay there, at least for now. They said it was a beautiful place; they compromised on the phone (she can have it between certain hours in the evening after school is out). They have their own school, including teaching life skills like balancing a checkbook, making meals, budgeting, etc, baby care. They offer a pretty balanced view on either adoption or learning skill in order to better take care of yourself and the baby.

I liked the part about teaching her practical skills.

She should be able to keep up with her grade level there and return to school if that's what she chooses to do, after the baby comes.

One part of this dilemma is who will take care of the baby in the daytime, if she keeps it? There is no extended family here to help out; the adult mom has to work (single mom herself with two children still at home); there is very little daycare here, much of which is not a place you'd leave your kids (private homes of questionable reputation); teen mom should be in school.

I'm not aware of any state or charitable programs here that address even the simple child care need. Rural life isn't the same as it is in a big city. I've been surprised at what is NOT available here, in all areas of life, not just this.

I think some folks haven't considered what people do when they don't have the resources at hand like you do in a bigger community or if you are fortunate enough to have extended family that is willing to help out.
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As to the homes for unwed mothers, there is one down the street from my house. It is in a beautiful old mansion and is run by a non-denominational religious organization. I think adoption or raising the child is the point -- why would someone need to go to a home if they had an abortion? There is housing for homeless youth in situations where pregnancy is not a factor.

However, I don't think it's a place to "hide" your teenager. It is a place for pregnant teens when they don't have anywhere else to live. When I volunteered at a domestic violence center, we would refer some of our clients there for longer-term, safe housing. I see it as a positive thing because it prevents teens from being homeless and they get an education and prenatal care.
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One part of this dilemma is who will take care of the baby in the daytime, if she keeps it? There is no extended family here to help out; the adult mom has to work (single mom herself with two children still at home); there is very little daycare here, much of which is not a place you'd leave your kids (private homes of questionable reputation); teen mom should be in school.

I'm not aware of any state or charitable programs here that address even the simple child care need. Rural life isn't the same as it is in a big city. I've been surprised at what is NOT available here, in all areas of life, not just this.
Your state probably does offer government funded childcare assistance. I don't know where you live, but you should tell them to put "childcare assistance programs, [state]" into a search engine and the web page should pop right up. Of course, you have to meet certain qualifications to enroll, but they can at least check it out.
One part of this dilemma is who will take care of the baby in the daytime, if she keeps it? There is no extended family here to help out; the adult mom has to work (single mom herself with two children still at home); there is very little daycare here, much of which is not a place you'd leave your kids (private homes of questionable reputation); teen mom should be in school.

I'm not aware of any state or charitable programs here that address even the simple child care need. Rural life isn't the same as it is in a big city. I've been surprised at what is NOT available here, in all areas of life, not just this.
Your state probably does offer government funded childcare assistance. I don't know where you live, but you should tell them to put "childcare assistance programs, [state]" into a search engine and the web page should pop right up. Of course, you have to meet certain qualifications to enroll, but they can at least check it out.
Originally Posted by CurlyCurlies
I'm sure there are financial assistance programs administered by the state (or feds) she can have access to; I was responding more to the programs offering physical resources (like daycare, etc.) some posters were alluding to. There are no good pre-preschool childcare options here. Mom said she would have to consider relocating if they keep the baby, so she can have better access.

Which means trying to find a new job, expense of moving, etc.
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