Pregnant child -- what to do?

A friend has a tough situation on her hands. 14 yo daughter is pregnant. My friend would be okay with her daughter having an abortion, but the girl does not want one and mom would not want to push her on this, for obvious reasons.

The girl wants to keep the baby, but of course, is in no way equipped to raise or care for an infant or child. She's a child herself. Mom wants to be loving and supportive, but she knows if they keep the child SHE will be the one raising it. She has raised four children of her own and this one is the youngest -- so she was nearing the end of her child-rearing years.

She's going round and round -- also very upset because the girl is refusing to go to school now, and the state rule here is: you go to school until you're 17 OR PREGNANT. In other words, if you are under 17 but pregnant, they will not enforce mandatory education. The girl is legally free to drop out, because she is pregnant (that is a whole other topic right there -- I was shocked to find this out myself).

She does NOT want to raise another child. She wants her child to have a better life than she will be able to have as a single mother with little education (which will be the situation if girl drops out, stays home until age 18 then moves out with toddler).

She is pushing hard to convince this girl to give up the baby for adoption. I don't know what the legal rights are of the minor child or her mother in a situation like this, but the ethical questions all this raises are mind-boggling.

Just wondering what y'all's thoughts are. (They are currently investigating a home for unwed mothers but -- here's the way a child thinks -- the girl may refuse to go because they won't let her keep her cell phone there.)
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
I have no advice, just ((hugs)) to your friend and her daughter.
Minneapolis, MN
Oh, wow, what an awful situation for everyone involved. And it's clear that the pregnant daughter is still so immature herself. Not that a 14 yo isn't allowed to be immature- but that's just one in a gazillion reasons why 14 yos shouldn't be having babies. I have no advice and I have no idea what I would do in that situation- I wish them all the best.
Brooklyn, NY

Hair: 3A/B, Underlayer of 2B
HG products:
Winter- Giovanni Tea Tree (co-wash) & 50/50 (condish); Curl Junkie Curl Assurance Leave-In; Curls Milkshake & Quenched Curls; Re:coil; BRHG
Summer: DevaCurl No Poo & OneC; CK; Re:coil; BRHG; Honey!!!

fotki pw= crrrls
Oh, wow, what an awful situation for everyone involved. And it's clear that the pregnant daughter is still so immature herself. Not that a 14 yo isn't allowed to be immature- but that's just one in a gazillion reasons why 14 yos shouldn't be having babies. I have no advice and I have no idea what I would do in that situation- I wish them all the best.
Originally Posted by Gemini13
yes, it sounds as if she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation (which makes sense - she is very young). i don't have any advice except that they seek the help of a good family counselor to help them through this.
*~*displaced yooper*~*
\m/ \m/

master quigley and queen ruby, my puppy loves <3
Yikes. What a sad situation for all concerned.

It doesn't seem like the 14 year old should be calling all of the shots. She has clearly not demonstrated a lot of responsibility so far. (And don't even get me started on the "dad"!!) I don't think it's unreasonable for the mom to tell the 14 y/o "Here are your choices:" and then list two or three that would be tolerable to the mom. And I certainly can't blame the mom for not wanting to raise her grandkid - so that should be spelled out as a non-option ....

I'm just counting my blessings at this point.....
2Poodles Southeast PA
fine, med porosity, normal elasticity
Currently using the following 2 - 3 x/week:
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day suphate-free Poo, cone-free CO and styling treatment, plus KCCC

Yikes. What a sad situation for all concerned.

It doesn't seem like the 14 year old should be calling all of the shots. She has clearly not demonstrated a lot of responsibility so far. (And don't even get me started on the "dad"!!) I don't think it's unreasonable for the mom to tell the 14 y/o "Here are your choices:" and then list two or three that would be tolerable to the mom. And I certainly can't blame the mom for not wanting to raise her grandkid - so that should be spelled out as a non-option ....

I'm just counting my blessings at this point.....
Originally Posted by 2poodles
I heartily agree with this whole post.
"Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."--Linus, A Charlie Brown Christmas
-----------------------------------------------
My fotki: http://public.fotki.com/nynaeve77/
Password: orphanannie
Yeah, the whole time I am listening to her I am thinking I am grateful I'm not in that situation . . .

I think one of her concerns is that if the daughter feels forced into anything, she'll resent it forever, be traumatized or whatever. My feeling is that on most issues, the parent has the final say and if the kid doesn't like it, tough. They'll get over it or grow up to make different decisions when they're older.

I am not a big fan of the "parent as friend" model so many people seem to be using. If you're a parent, BE A PARENT. Act like one. You have to be the voice of reason and responsibility, not their buddy.

But the stakes are so high here. If it were me I would be pushing for the "forced" adoption -- I would not be willing to raise a baby I didn't want or bring into this world myself, and I would not want my 14 yo daughter going down this road.

Mom's feeling guilty about wanting her life back, and she was so looking forward (much as she loves her kids) to having them grown and moving onward.
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
Oh wow. My cousin got pregnant at 14 and the baby was put up for adoption. I don't know the circumstances because I was 9 when it happened. I can't even begin to imagine being 14 and pregnant. I wonder if she's seen 16 and Pregnant on MTV and thinks she can manage like the other teens on that show.

Maybe they can look into an open adoption?

I know there are mature teens out there, but I don't think a 14 year old has any idea what they're getting into. Not to mention, like you said, the teen's mom will probably assume a lot of the responsibility. Shoot, I was 27 when my first was born and I'm sure my mom was fearful for my baby, LOL. I was not a baby person at all, didn't know a thing about them.

I'm sorry your friend finds herself in this position, that's gotta be tough. I hope they're able to figure something out.
I totally agree with you, fig jam. If it were me in this situation, I would strongly push for either the abortion or the adoption. But mostly I'm glad to not be in that situation.
2Poodles Southeast PA
fine, med porosity, normal elasticity
Currently using the following 2 - 3 x/week:
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day suphate-free Poo, cone-free CO and styling treatment, plus KCCC

Perhaps open adoption?
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
I'll be interested to hear what happens -- they are driving out of state today to look at a "home for unwed mothers" (wow, doesn't that sound like something from the 50s??). The one that doesn't allow cell phones. If the girl refuses to stay or they won't take her, they are prepared to turn around and drive to yet another state where there's another "home" they're considering.

She's also afraid of the girl running away if she hates the "home."

I don't know if the girl is glamorizing the idea of being a mother or not -- she's a very quiet girl; mom had no idea she was sexually active (didn't have a boyfriend that they knew of); she is NOT communicating right now but of course, crying a LOT. Just can't imagine.
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
I totally agree with you, fig jam. If it were me in this situation, I would strongly push for either the abortion or the adoption. But mostly I'm glad to not be in that situation.
Originally Posted by 2poodles
I agree, I would definitely be pushing for that as well. But I just don't know what you could do if she refused. I definitely agree that in most cases, what the parent says goes, but this isn't a normal situation. I don't think I could actually force my kid to give up her baby if she didn't want to. None of the options are truly desirable- so I just don't know! (Full disclosure for the reasoning behind my views- my Mom got pregnant with me when she was 16, and her parents were going to force her to put me up for adoption. My Dad's parents were then prepared to adopt me- but fortunately none of this came to pass.)

Sorry, just rambling a bit here...

I wonder if there's some kind of program, or something, where she could meet teens who are raising their babies. A dose of reality might help. At the very least, if she still decided to keep the baby she might realize that she really needs to finish school.
Brooklyn, NY

Hair: 3A/B, Underlayer of 2B
HG products:
Winter- Giovanni Tea Tree (co-wash) & 50/50 (condish); Curl Junkie Curl Assurance Leave-In; Curls Milkshake & Quenched Curls; Re:coil; BRHG
Summer: DevaCurl No Poo & OneC; CK; Re:coil; BRHG; Honey!!!

fotki pw= crrrls
No advice really because it's such a tough situation. I got pregnant at 18 and that was scary enough. I hope they can come to some kind of understanding and that your friends daughter gets a dose of reality soon. I wish there was a program where pregnant teens spent a week in a house with a newborn. Not necessarily to take care of it alone but to at least get up when the baby does, change diapers, wash bottles, etc. If this girl is worried about not having her cell phone she's really gonna freak when she has no time to do what she wants.

You never mentioned the boy and his family...
High Priestess JessMess, follower of the Goddess of the Coiling Way and Confiscator of Concoctions in the Order of the Curly Crusaders

This decision is so huge that I wouldn't want to be responsible for "pushing" anything on the daughter. I would talk to her about all of her choices and help her to see the pros and cons of each situation.

Do you know if she just doesn't want to go to school anymore at all or if she just doesn't want to be pregnant in school? If it's the latter, I'd might be ok with letting her take the time off once she became noticeably pregnant if she'd be ok making it up later. If it's the former, then I'd give her an ultimatum, either she goes to school or gets a job. I know that it might be a little hard at 14, but I see teenagers all the time working at supermarkets, fast food places & shops in the mall.

If my daughter was in this situation, I would make sure that she understood that she is the primary care giver for the baby--not me. Yeah, there would probably be some gray areas, but I would definitely make her do most of the things that a 'mama' would be responsible for.

Last edited by CurlyCurlies; 09-19-2009 at 01:33 PM.
No advice really because it's such a tough situation. I got pregnant at 18 and that was scary enough. I hope they can come to some kind of understanding and that your friends daughter gets a dose of reality soon. I wish there was a program where pregnant teens spent a week in a house with a newborn. Not necessarily to take care of it alone but to at least get up when the baby does, change diapers, wash bottles, etc. If this girl is worried about not having her cell phone she's really gonna freak when she has no time to do what she wants.

You never mentioned the boy and his family...
Originally Posted by Jess the Mess
To the bolded: No lie.

As for the boy, the last I heard the girl has refused to say who he is. Mom thinks he may be someone at the school the girl transferred from this year, and he may not even know she's pregnant. Like I said before, though, they didn't know she had a boyfriend (IF he was even that) so no likely suspect.
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
My advice: tell your friend to breath. Nobody needs to do anything THIS SECOND. If the girl wont abort this baby is going to be born. They have time to get into family counseling to A. Establish a healthful dynamic re the pregnancy B. Make an educated decision re the baby (including who and how it will be raised) C. Help the girl understand the ramifications of all of this.

And its always a good idea to give unconditional love no matter how upset you are with your child; it goes a long way.

Good Luck
Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot
3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
My Photobucket Album
I can't imagine being in this situation. It's crazy that a 14-year old has the ultimate say, but when it comes to reproductive rights, you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do, no matter what the age.

I was 28 when I got pregnant and for the first few weeks, I was so freaked out by the hugeness of the whole thing and how my life was going to change (it was a planned pregnancy). I commented to a friend that I can't imagine how pregnant teenagers must feel, and she said she thinks they don't even really process the reality of the situation. They're too mentally immature to fully grasp it.

Good luck to your friends with whatever they decide.


"Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift . . . that's why it's called the present." - Unknown
My advice: tell your friend to breath. Nobody needs to do anything THIS SECOND. If the girl wont abort this baby is going to be born. They have time to get into family counseling to A. Establish a healthful dynamic re the pregnancy B. Make an educated decision re the baby (including who and how it will be raised) C. Help the girl understand the ramifications of all of this.

And its always a good idea to give unconditional love no matter how upset you are with your child; it goes a long way.

Good Luck
Originally Posted by rudeechick
ITA with this, esp the family counseling aspect.
OMG. I just don't know how to react. As the mother of a 14 yo girl, that's just terrifying. It sounds like your friend is handling the situation as well as can be expected. I agree that counciling is a very good idea, what ever the decision that is made. This girl is not equiped to become a mother, no 14 year old is, imo. I really hope they find a way to get her back in school. If she goes to one of the homes, do they require she enroll in a program? If she stays at home, can they consider a homeschooling program? Or, I think some states require districts to provide at home instruction/tutoring. (I may be wrong about that.) Certainly an evening GED program at the very least. Whether she has the baby, aborts, or gives up for adoption, an education is a requirement, not an option.

As the aunt to two adopted children, I can say there are wonderful agencies that can help this family consider that option. The agency my brother went through offers many options for the birthmother and the adoptive family, from open to closed adoptions, or something in between. The birthmother can be very involved in helping to choose the adopting couple. Let me know if your friends might be interested in looking at their website.
3a/2c
Trader Joe's Tingle conditioner wash/ conditioner
AG re:coil, LALooks gel, John Frieda Secret Weapon

Last edited by KurlyKae; 09-19-2009 at 02:05 PM. Reason: I need to read the whole post before hitting Post..
Make her watch "15 and Pregnant" with Kirsten Dunst. One of the great after school specials!

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:53 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com