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Old 09-20-2009, 09:30 PM   #21
 
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Originally Posted by CGNYC View Post
I wouldn't get too invested in the conversation just now. It sounds like she is neither in a relationship nor looking to have children at the moment. People say all kinds of things before they're actually IN the situation.

I'll adopt, having a baby hurts too much.
I'll adopt, having a baby ruins your body.
I'll adopt, after I've had a few "of my own."

I've heard versions of all of those.

Lots of things could happen. I would say let her talk, because it's obviously a subject that's important to her and whatever this physical trait is it is a big deal to her, but don't get really invested because in the end, most people DON'T adopt (and really, it's up to her and her partner anyway). It's a difficult process. It's expensive. It takes a long time. Infants are rare, older children often have issues. You don't just sign up and someone brings you a sparkly fresh baby.

I'm in favor of adoption, my brother and SIL are waiting for a child right now (although it's going to be a long wait, even though they're adopting from the over flowing foster care system, they will consider special needs, sibling groups, and children up to age nine). But it's not as easy as just saying, "oh, I think I'll just adopt."
+1

A lot can change between now and the time she's ready for children.
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Old 09-20-2009, 10:10 PM   #22
 
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I think someone is actually more likely to get a "less-than-perfect" child through adoption than to have one biologically.
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Old 09-20-2009, 10:49 PM   #23
 
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i have a friend who decided that she never wanted to have any biological children with her boyfriend because mental illness (bipoloar disorder, schizophrenia, depression) runs on both sides of their families. she said she just didnt want to run the risk of passing that on to her child. it made sense to me. they also decided that they were never going to get legally married because both of their parents were divorced (i think his dad is on wife #4 or 5).

fast forward 5 yrs--theyre now married with a beautiful biological daughter.

i think there is nothing wrong with being fertile but choosing to adopt, if youre realistic about the situation. if your friend thinks shes going to walk into an adoption agency and turn around shortly thereafter with a beautiful perfect non lazy eyed baby, she needs a reality check.
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Old 09-21-2009, 06:13 AM   #24
 
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I agree with PartyHair that it's completely up to her and frankly, none of your business whether she has biological children, adopts, or neither or both.

I also agree with CGNYC that a lot could change between now and the time she's ready (or not) to have children.

And, there is corrective surgery for lazy eye. I know someone who had it. I don't know if it's covered by insurance or any details about it, though.
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Old 09-21-2009, 06:19 AM   #25
 
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I agree that it's totally her choice and all, but when it gets to the time that she's very seriously deciding whether to adopt or have her own biological child, you could always suggest she talk to a genetic counselor. A genetic counselor would definitely be able to help her make a medically informed decision about whether there was a risk of passing on the trait.
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Old 09-21-2009, 06:21 AM   #26
 
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i have a friend who decided that she never wanted to have any biological children with her boyfriend because mental illness (bipoloar disorder, schizophrenia, depression) runs on both sides of their families. she said she just didnt want to run the risk of passing that on to her child. it made sense to me. they also decided that they were never going to get legally married because both of their parents were divorced (i think his dad is on wife #4 or 5).

fast forward 5 yrs--theyre now married with a beautiful biological daughter.

i think there is nothing wrong with being fertile but choosing to adopt, if youre realistic about the situation. if your friend thinks shes going to walk into an adoption agency and turn around shortly thereafter with a beautiful perfect non lazy eyed baby, she needs a reality check.


There was a local woman a few years ago, who was off her psych meds due to pregnancy. Because she was off meds, she killed her own mother during a psychotic rage. After she gave birth in prison, her baby was put up for adoption. I sometimes wonder if the adoptive parents were even told of the mental illness family history of the child. There have been many scandals within social service and adoption agencies of social workers not divulging such information.
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Old 09-21-2009, 06:25 AM   #27
 
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Taking a child out of the system is a good thing (almost) regardless of the reasons. It's cool with me unless she had some harmful intent in mind. That's not the case here.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:35 AM   #28
 
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Totally up to her a/b having a biological child & I always support adoption. However, I wonder if she has thought a/b the fact that nobody is perfect & what if the child she adopts has a physical trait that isn't "perfect"? Would she be okay with that? Everyone has SOME imperfections: lazy eye, gap teeth, moles, large birth mark, etc. Before she has a child either biological or adopted- she should come to terms with that fact.
and this:

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...... I sometimes wonder if the adoptive parents were even told of the [mental illness] family history of the child. There have been many scandals within social service and adoption agencies of social workers not divulging such information.
My SIL was having problems having a 2nd child, lost a preemie, her DS has developmental problems. Since they couldn't have another, they decided to adopt. The adopted daughter also has developmental problems, although not at bad. But they were hoping adoption would avoid that, not so. And they were not told of the DD's history.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:36 AM   #29
 
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Thanks for all the responses!

*DISCLAIMER* I'm not being offensive/snarky/having an attitude, just trying to clarify and make an observation

I posted this question the way I did so that I could get some general feedback and not the "you should do this..." because I literally wanted to know how other people would react if a friend of theirs told them something like this. Although... I do notice that when I ask "what would you do" questions people tend to respond with "you should..." answers (not just here but in real life lol).

I firmly agree with everything PartyHair said. My main problem with this situation is that most of our friends have said:

"are you crazy?"
"why would you do that?"
"but it's not YOUR child!"
"That makes no sense."
"That's not a good enough reason to adopt."

I was actually wondering if most people felt that way which is why I started this thread. I, on the other hand, never knew that one needed a "good" reason to want to help a child in need. For this reason alone, I don't understand why they are all reacting this way.

She does understand that adoption is not an easy process, she's not a silly girl. She's done research about it and found out all that she needs to know. I think she wonders what's the point of possibly having a baby with a problem that she may have to spend tons of money to fix, when she can help one that already exists? She's a very kind and loving person and she's always volunteering. In fact, her main goal in life is to help children, so this makes sense to me.

I also know that it's entirely possible that she may change her mind simply because she's so in love/fascinated with the idea of pregnancy. So, I wonder what she will do if she does get pregnant? She says she doesn't know and she does admit that she might change her mind. I think she's just afraid that the child will hate her for it or something. She still wants to adopt whether or not she decides to have a biological child.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:43 AM   #30
 
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tell me if im understanding this right. you ask "what would you do...?" people answer "you should/i would..." and you dont like that? im really not trying to be snarky, im making sure i understand what youre saying.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:44 AM   #31
 
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Good for her. If she wants to adopt, then by all means adopt if she has the means to.

I'm adopted myself, at maybe 2 months old, and while I know I have birth parents, my adoptive parents ARE my parents, end of story.

She sounds like she'll be a great mom and is simply looking out for a child's best interest.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:45 AM   #32
 
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tell me if im understanding this right. you ask "what would you do...?" people answer "you should/i would..." and you dont like that? im really not trying to be snarky, im making sure i understand what youre saying.
You guys definitely answered my question in the way I wanted it answered =) I did notice that the people who felt the way I do (but didn't know) answered it the other way. lol what I'm trying to say is I don't ask people "what should I do?" Instead I ask them "what would YOU do if..." and they say, "well, vonn... I think You're this and that... and you should definitely..." Not, I would do this because... I am this way... and I would want..."

Does that make sense?

It's no big deal, it just something that I noticed. One day I was asking my friend what she would do if her cousin was dating a girl she didn't like and my friend flipped out on me... but I wasn't even asking about myself.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:55 AM   #33
 
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tell me if im understanding this right. you ask "what would you do...?" people answer "you should/i would..." and you dont like that? im really not trying to be snarky, im making sure i understand what youre saying.
You guys definitely answered my question in the way I wanted it answered =) I did notice that the people who felt the way I do (but didn't know) answered it the other way. lol what I'm trying to say is I don't ask people "what should I do?" Instead I ask them "what would YOU do if..." and they say, "well, vonn... I think You're this and that... and you should definitely..." Not, I would do this because... I am this way... and I would want..."

Does that make sense?

It's no big deal, it just something that I noticed. One day I was asking my friend what she would do if her cousin was dating a girl she didn't like and my friend flipped out on me... but I wasn't even asking about myself.
okay, i get it now!
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:56 AM   #34
 
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When I was younger, my plan was to become a foster/adoptive parent. I wasn't in any kind of rush to have a biological child. There was no problem w/ my genetics; I just felt sorry for all the unwanted kids out there. So I can definitely say I wouldn't be shocked if someone told me something similar or think she was crazy.

But the idea that having a lazy eye makes a person unworthy of life suggests *to me* she has major self esteem issues.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:57 AM   #35
 
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I kind of understand her. I have sickle cell trait, a disease which is inherited. My grandpa, mom, me, and my sister have it but not my brother. For the most part I lived a healthy childhood but the fact is I have a low immune system. I get sick quiet easily so it sucked I couldn't go everywhere or do everything a kid could. Even now my inner traveler wants to go to the mountains but I can't. I really don't want to pass that to my kids and was thinking about having only adopted kids but knowing me once I fall in love and get married I will be having biological kids as well as adopted kids.

It might be the same for your friend. She is saying that now when she is not in love but that could easily change.

I agree with spiderlashes5000 though, it's kind of asinine to not want to have biological children because of a lazy eye. My brother had one years ago and that was corrected in surgery.
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Old 09-21-2009, 10:09 AM   #36
 
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. I think she wonders what's the point of possibly having a baby with a problem that she may have to spend tons of money to fix, when she can help one that already exists?
In order to adopt the child that already exists, she will have to spend a ton of money anyway. And, then heaven forbid the child has a problem that needs "fixing"... When becoming a parent either biological or adoptive- you shouldn't go into it with the idea that the kid should be perfect. If they have problems- help them, but you don't FIX people. They are not a broken object.
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Old 09-21-2009, 10:31 AM   #37
 
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But the idea that having a lazy eye makes a person unworthy of life suggests *to me* she has major self esteem issues.
ITA. I think that it might be helpful if she considers working on those issues before entering parenthood. Heck, even if she never became a parent it could be helpful to her.

This just doesn't compare to some of the other genetic traits, such as mental illness, that have been mentioned in this thread.

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And, then heaven forbid the child has a problem that needs "fixing"... When becoming a parent either biological or adoptive- you shouldn't go into it with the idea that the kid should be perfect. If they have problems- help them, but you don't FIX people. They are not a broken object.
I agree with this too. I don't think she's being entirely realistic. Regardless, it doesn't sound like she's anywhere close to marrying or entering parenthood... so I wouldn't concern myself with it too much.
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Old 09-21-2009, 11:11 AM   #38
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
But the idea that having a lazy eye makes a person unworthy of life suggests *to me* she has major self esteem issues.
ITA. I think that it might be helpful if she considers working on those issues before entering parenthood. Heck, even if she never became a parent it could be helpful to her.

This just doesn't compare to some of the other genetic traits, such as mental illness, that have been mentioned in this thread.

I don't think that she means that people with lazy eyes are unworthy of life. She does have self-esteem issues.

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And, then heaven forbid the child has a problem that needs "fixing"... When becoming a parent either biological or adoptive- you shouldn't go into it with the idea that the kid should be perfect. If they have problems- help them, but you don't FIX people. They are not a broken object.
I agree with this too. I don't think she's being entirely realistic. Regardless, it doesn't sound like she's anywhere close to marrying or entering parenthood... so I wouldn't concern myself with it too much.
She didn't say the child needed to be fixed... I said the thing about a problem that could be fixed. Of course there are other major issues, but I'm not going to belittle how she feels by saying that, because everyone is different. She's well aware that there are other issues, but this is the one she is dealing with. I don't feel the need to tell her "there's always something worse" at a time when she's feeling really bad about herself and wanting some compassion/understanding. I'd rather just let her tell me how she feels and let her know that I'm always there to talk.

What I did tell her is this: She is still young and will experience more things that will change her. I think the main problem is that she is not accepting her lazy eye and that is being reflected in things that she is saying. When it comes down to it she needs to accept that it is there and not try to avoid situations all the time.

She's just being having a hard time with her family members continually pointing it out and people on the outside always saying stuff about it. She'll understand one day. She doesn't mind not having children either... she was just saying.

I just found it incredibly strange that even though she didn't tell our friends why she wanted adopt, they all told her that there's no reason not to have a biological child if you can. That's kind of why I didn't want to mention the lazy eye lol... Thanks for your responses again =)
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Old 09-21-2009, 12:10 PM   #39
 
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I just found it incredibly strange that even though she didn't tell our friends why she wanted adopt, they all told her that there's no reason not to have a biological child if you can. That's kind of why I didn't want to mention the lazy eye lol... Thanks for your responses again =)
Yeah, IMO that's definitely an extreme point of view.
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Old 09-21-2009, 02:19 PM   #40
 
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Quote:
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I just found it incredibly strange that even though she didn't tell our friends why she wanted adopt, they all told her that there's no reason not to have a biological child if you can. That's kind of why I didn't want to mention the lazy eye lol... Thanks for your responses again =)
Yeah, IMO that's definitely an extreme point of view.
Can someone simplify the bolded statement for me? I have read it a thousand times & cannot figure out if I am reading that correctly...
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