Losing Touch With Good Friends

Anyone here lose touch with a friend?

There has been a lot going on in my life for the past while. As a result, I haven't been keeping up to date with my friends as I normally do. One had called and left me a voicemail message, and I hadn't gotten back to her in a month and a half.

So I called her up and asked how she was and that I was sorry I couldn't get back to her, that things had been hectic my way. Her response was, "I was pissed that you didn't return my call, so I got rid of all your contact information."

I was taken aback and really hurt, actually. I didn't know someone could be so nasty.

Also, I had a (different) girlfriend call me that I hadn't heard from in a few months actually. I was just happy to hear from her and was curious about her life. We talked for hours as though we talk every day. I didn't get upset that she didn't return my call, and I certainly didn't get rid of all her contact information.

So perhaps I approach this kind of thing differently? Am I too easy or is she too harsh?

So now, I feel I have a forced friendship with this girl. Like I'm scared to go too long without contacting her, otherwise she'll get angry with me and get rid of my contact information. One time when I was in the middle of an argument with my SO (soon to be ex), she called and I told her I couldn't speak at the moment. She says, "Oh just call me back afterwards." I said, "I cannot promise that but I'll try." I ended up not calling her back and the next day she told me she was totally pissed at me.

However keep in mind she is actually a negative person, nice but not friendly, and suffers from clinical depression. She does complain a lot about her life. She is 35-36 and single.

In a way, I'm not sure if I want to continue a friendship now. I got a new cellphone and didn't even give her my new number and I feel bad! I find myself politely turning down her invites to her place because I want to go out and party with some girlfriends, or rather hang out with more positive people I guess?

Anyone go through this?
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Ahhh. I'll share my experience with you.

My bff whom I call my sister, we've know each other for about 13 years now. When she moved out of state, we no longer talked to each other every day, hell every week for that matter. When I had this BAD relationship prior to that in high school, I barely saw her but once I got that monkey off my back I'd see her.

Then we got to college, she started seeing someone and was with him most of her extra time. If I called her and she never called me back, I never got mad. She moved out of state about 4 years ago and this year we moved her back (yay!) but when we speak it's like no time has passed between us, because we have the understanding that we are both extremely busy but there is no love lost.

Now I have another friend who was going to practically try and bully me into calling her and pinning down a definite date where we would hang out. Funny, because when she was being courted and then prior to getting married, I could never get her to return my phone calls but I'm not the type to sweat that stuff because I have my own life. But when things started going negative in her relationship, it seemed like she wanted me to drop my schedule and coming running to her, or calling.

Got a third friend, whom is also a bff with me and the first bff I mentioned. She'll say she'll call you back, and she won't. You can text her, call her, short of threatening her or feigning serious sick or injury, she will call you back. BUT when you need her she will be there and will go above and beyond. When my daddy died she bought me a dress, food and a shoulder to cry on. When we had to move our other friend from across the country, she was there. So if she doesn't return our calls, we just sigh because we know that she doesn't mean any harm, she's just BUSY!!!

Now for the other friend that wanted me to twist my arm into calling her all of the time....I had to fall back. If you want to get petty over something that minuscule, then I can't be bothered. That's just me.
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i've been thru this. if the friend is worth it, u have to put in the effort. if not, just keep it moving.
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Everyone has times where they get caught up in their own stuff and forgets to--or simply doesn't have a good time to-- return a call, even from a good friend. A few years ago I didn't call one of my best girlfriends from high school on her birthday. I felt horrible. A week went by and then I didn't want to have to make the, "sorry I didn't call when I should have," call, and I didn't want to make it after a month, and then somehow like five months went by and I didn't know how to call her anymore.

Ultimately I did, she didn't care, she'd missed me and we started hanging out again. All was well.

Your friend way overreacted, and she sounds like a bit of a drama queen, or possibly a bit bipolar. Regardless, if you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells with her, then maybe it's time to phase her out.
"And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
Stolen.
Joining then moving with the military leaves me saying, sadly yes, I have lost contact with good friends.
Your friend way overreacted, and she sounds like a bit of a drama queen, or possibly a bit bipolar.
Originally Posted by MichelleBFT
Um, that's like saying someone is a little pregnant, or a tiny bit dead.

To answer the original question, yes I have lost touch with friends.

I dunno. I think it sucks when people are fair-weather friends. But for a lot of people, it's just the way they operate.

If she's depressed and single, I feel sorry for her. That's a very tough life. I know you shouldn't have to take abuse from her, but you are her friend. To me that means standing by her if she's going through a tough time.

However, if she has been like this for years, hasn't gotten help and is sort of stuck, then I don't blame you for wanting to wash your hands of it. I've done it before. You can't make someone want to change their lives for the better, they have to want to do it.

Last edited by wild~hair; 09-27-2009 at 07:59 PM.
It sounds like your friend is a little insecure about the friendship and its hard to tell if the friendship is still 'worth it' because its so out of context...she might have had some personal drama and really needed a friend and thats why she got so annoyed. Give her another chance, if you enjoy her company then this pettiness is hardly worth throwing away a friendship.
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Yes. And I feel guilty about it. I feel very bad and that has stopped me from contacting her. How pathetic is that??
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Stay in touch with her if you want a friendship. If you don't, than it doesn't make sense. You can't force yourself to stay friends, to be with someone you don't enjoy spending time with. I am on th e other side here. I have a friend, who thought I did, who hasn't been in touch with me for months. We just got together for dinner a few times a year, but I thought we both liked each other. She is a very pleasant person. I left her an email and still haven't heard from her. If I do, I would just ask her simply to be honest about wanting to keep in touch without any pressure. I don't want to be friendly with someone who doesn't want to be friendly with me. And there have been a few people over the years that I have lost contact with. I would love to see what they are up to.
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As adults, sometimes our friends cannot be our #1 priority. Sometimes my friends call and I take forever to call back or I never get around to it, and then the next time I do talk to them I'll say something like "I suck for not calling you back!" and no one really cares. They do it to me too. I think your friend is overreacting a bit to you not returning her call right away. Unless she said in her message that something was wrong and/or she really needed a friend to talk to - then I think you should make the effort to call as soon as possible.
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Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
As adults, sometimes our friends cannot be our #1 priority.
Originally Posted by PixieCurl
While I don't exactly disagree with this sentiment, I think it's a little callous.

I think it's important to put ourselves in our friends' shoes. If they are single and childless, as I am, and your life is filled with husband and children, or you have an SO, think about how that unreturned phone call feels to someone who goes to work each day, comes home to an empty house. Someone who has lots of friends, who are all paired off, leading their incredibly busy lives.

[Maybe this isn't the case with your friends, PixieCurl. But it is a dynamic I live with.]

I am not that demanding of my friends. But when they ignore me for months, or put off plans with me, it hurts.

I've been the busy person with an SO, then a husband. But I never let calls go unreturned for weeks or months at a time. If I was incredibly busy, I sent an email telling them that and that I would catch up when things slowed down.

In short, no one's so busy they can't at least do this. If they are, they shouldn't try to keep up so many friendships.

At any rate, I never say anything to my friends about this. I think how busy they are, put myself in their shoes. I just wish they would do the same for me sometimes.

Last edited by wild~hair; 09-28-2009 at 12:36 PM.
I see what you mean wild~hair. But even single people can get wrapped up in work and life, and be too exhausted for long phone calls when they get home. For me it's not that I physically don't have time to return a call, it's that I know if I call certain of my friends it will be a long conversation and I don't have the energy for it. I agree about shooting an e-mail to let them know you got their message and will call soon; that's nice. I also don't NOT return messages to people that I know it will be a big deal to, or people to whom I don't speak frequently so they probably had a specific reason for calling in the first place.

I also make a point when leaving messages for friends, that if it's important or for a specific question and I do want a call back in a reasonable amount of time, I be sure to mention that. If it's just to say hi or chat, I usually mention that there's no hurry to call me back.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
Your friend way overreacted, and she sounds like a bit of a drama queen, or possibly a bit bipolar.
Originally Posted by MichelleBFT
Um, that's like saying someone is a little pregnant, or a tiny bit dead.
Originally Posted by wild~hair

Okay... do you have a point or are you just busting on me for fun? It's a turn of phrase.
"And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
Stolen.
Well if a friend is important to you, you better call them back. It doesn't have to be the same day or even the same week but you do need to call them back. Not calling back is just selfish. Its like you are telling a person they are not even worth a phone call.
I have friends that I have lost touch with. When we talk its like we time has not passed.

I have had friends not call me back. I don't say anything, just probably call them back again. But it does hurt my feelings.
The funny thing is that everyone remember that they need to call so and so back. Its better to just do it than to keep reminding yourself that you need to do it.

If a person is not that important to you, and you are not that interested in the friendship, then yeah, don't call back.

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