Is there a poet in the house?

I'm hoping you ladies can help me!

I am in a long distance relationship and my honey's birthday is coming up. I wrote a poem for him but it can use some tweaking. If you can help me make it sound better, I would really appreciate it. I'm not a poet so don't worry about hurting my feelings. I just want it to be good. Thanks so much!


Memories of you
Keep me warm
As I walk the streets of New York,
Looking for your smile
In a sea of strange faces.
I miss ...

Hearing your heart beat
Holding you close
Tasting your soft lips
But most of all
I miss the way I feel
When I am with you.
Tonight I will meet you in my dreams
And kiss you goodnight.
The angels will watch over you
Until I am by your side
Once again.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

-Mohandas Gandhi

Last edited by BB; 09-28-2009 at 07:19 AM.
I'm not a poet, but I am an English teacher, and I've read and loved more than my fair share of poetry.

ETA (written after I realised how much I'd suggested you change, when I was only going to suggest one or two tiny things). Sorry. I really don't want you to feel like I'm hacking your poem apart, because that wasn't my intention, although I realize that that's what I may have done. Poetry is such a personal experience, and I don't know if I have the right to suggest you change it. Maybe I shouldn't post this at all?

One thing I would look at is the flow of your poem. Going onto a new line feels like a pause or break, and you have a couple that don't feel completely natural.

I would do something more like this:

Memories of you keep me warm
As I walk the streets of New York, {I'd expand on the NY imagery too: it's obviously a place you've shared, or it's a place where you are and he's not, but it would give the poem more of a setting, and a feeling for where you are emotionally as much as physically.}
Looking for your smile
In a sea of strange faces.

I miss
.......hearing your heart beat, {use spaces, not fullstops. I just couldn't get them to show otherwise}
.......holding you close,
.......tasting your soft lips. {this one is a bit too much of a clich for me, though. Can you use another metaphor, or another adjective?}
{Expand on the things you miss, not just general ones, but things that you've done together, or something unique to him.}
But, most of all,
I miss the way I feel when I am with you. {expand on this too: it's the main point of your poem. I think I would make it the end of the last stanza too, the final line of the poem.}

Tonight I will meet you in my dreams
And kiss you goodnight.
The angels will watch over you {this image also clashes with the others you have for me: the others are much more personal}
Until I am by your side
Once again. {I'm really not sure about this stanza at all. I like the way you started, but this one just doesn't 'fit', to me. }
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Last edited by Oriental Curl; 09-28-2009 at 08:37 AM.
Thank you so much Oriental Curl!!!! I appreciate your feedback. It is really important to me that it says whayt I feel.

I'm going to work on it some more then repost.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

-Mohandas Gandhi
You're very welcome. I look forward to reading more.
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I agree with OC. I am a writer/poet and I think what makes for amazing poetry is to personalize it.
What you wrote is sweet and heartfelt, but anyone could have written it (which is great - makes it relatable - but you want this to be for and about YOU and HIM.) You also have some cliches that you could change up a bit to make it more original. Something like this to start, except obviously I don't know if the details fit your relationship - they're just examples. And this obviously would need a lot of work, too - I just whipped it off now.



Images of you
Settle like a coat around my shoulders
Bringing remembered warmth
As I walk the streets of New York -
One stranger amongst many unlit faces.
I glimpse you in the window of a store
Running, breathless, I get closer
And the reflection is distorted and unfamiliar.

Your heartbeat pounds the sidewalk with my feet
Your lips move ghostly cold across my cheeks
Your scent drifts faintly up beside my face
Your presence lingers lightly in this space.

Reaching my apartment
Once radiant with laughter, champagne and the taste of smoked oysters
I resume my solitary evening,
Hastening the time until I can hope
To meet you in my dreams once again.



Another option is to take a simpler form, and do something like:

I miss you like.... 10 or 20 times or more, making the "likes" all things that have a context in your relationship. ie. say that you both love ancient mythology, you would say:

I miss you like King Midas missed his golden daughter,

I miss you like Odysseus missed his distant lover,

I miss you like Atlas missed his empty arms....

you could rhyme it or not....


and you keep going like that and then personalize the last couple of lines, maybe rhyme them.

I miss you more than ancient Greece
And in your arms I hope to reach
My Adonis.

The other thing you can do is look up poetry forms like sonnets or villanelles and try to write one - the restricted form makes it easier. Or a few haiku.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











BB, that sounds really heartfelt and sweet. It may not be the world's best bit of poetry, but it's from you to someone who loves you so they will appreciate it for what it is.
WOW Ameris! You are good. That is really beautiful.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

-Mohandas Gandhi
WOW Ameris! You are good. That is really beautiful.
Originally Posted by BB
Thanks, but it was all your thoughts, ideas and emotions coming from your heart!
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











If your honey knows you he will know your writing style and wording. I'd go with what you wrote because it will mean the most. If you'd like to take some new ideas and expand on the feelings and settings like OC said, great.

Are you presenting this just in the writing or something more "professionally permanant"? (ie, stencil, caligraphy, matte, etc)
~Two friends, one soul inspired~ anonymous
If your honey knows you he will know your writing style and wording. I'd go with what you wrote because it will mean the most. If you'd like to take some new ideas and expand on the feelings and settings like OC said, great.

Are you presenting this just in the writing or something more "professionally permanant"? (ie, stencil, caligraphy, matte, etc)
Originally Posted by GuardianB

I totally agree. If you make it too wordy, or something you wouldn't normally say/do, then it's going to seem fake. JMO.
I completely agree with GuardianB. This poem is meant to be a personal message from you to your love -- don't worry about overworking it or making it sound "high flown" -- he will want it to be what it is, a message from your heart to his. As GB said, he will recognize you in it and it will seem strange to him if it's language or style that is not your own.

Frankly, I like yours best. It is sincere, simple, and honest.

And what a lovely idea for a gift. Anyone would be thrilled.
"Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Honey Badger don't care!"
Thanks for all of the encouragement! Because we are long distance (he is in Turkey), we agreed to send gifts with no monetary value - gifts from the heart instead b/c they mean more. He wrote me a song for my birthday and recorded it.

I'm going to have it handwritten and matted for him. I am going to work on mine a bit more. I appreaciate all the feedbac. I want it to be special for him.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

-Mohandas Gandhi

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