ADULT - Intimacy without sex

is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

just my two cents...
Originally Posted by luvmylocs
uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple which brings me to this point..

this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.
Originally Posted by scrills

I've known couples like this as well, who were shocked to discover once married that they didn't get along in the bedroom, after years of not having sex before marriage. It's one of the reasons why I feel pre-marital sex is important...so you can assess sexual compatibility. I don't think human lovers were meant to spend years together not having sex. Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. A very active sex life suddenly put on ice for 'religious reasons'. Got married, still no sex. Come to find out, he was on the DL.

@OP, why continue to let temptation stare you in the face by sleeping next to him? It's very difficult to resist once you've already sampled. If you want to have a non-sexual relationship, it should be mutual or one of the persons is gonna feel rejected.
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Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
bingo!! like within months! i've known couples like this too and they are still married and happy and have kids (the old fashion way) so in these cases i really do believe they wanted to try to do it the "right" way...so like i said, they put a ring on it and got married....

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. A very active sex life suddenly put on ice for 'religious reasons'. Got married, still no sex. Come to find out, he was on the DL.
Originally Posted by hippychic
yeah, we've all wondered if he likes boys, maybe he's not even aware fully but how can he like his wife and not have sex for over a year!! like someone said in another thread...sex is VERY natural. we all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!
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Last edited by luvmylocs; 09-28-2009 at 01:33 PM.
I agree with many of these posts. I can understand, for a religious reason, not wanting to have premarital sex. And if you had *never* had it I could go along with it.

However you did and what is done is done. I myself think it would be very hard to go back now. Especially if you think it may happen again if you can't control the urge. That just seems like a major guilt recipe to me. It can't be healthy from my POV. If you give in one time are you going to go around feeling guilty? Not healthy at all.

If you are in a serious committed relationship then you need to think about where the next step is--because I agree that training yourself to "turn it off" due to his religious issues may leave you, bluntly, very frustrated. That could lead to all sorts of things. Add that to the fact you feel validated as a woman about your body and in other areas by the intimacy sex provides. No matter how many times he tells you if you feel the need for intimacy to validate--well again the word disaster comes to mind.

However, the deeper issue for me is actually the religious thing--if you don't share his fervor or dedication that's a recipe for heartache. At this point it doesn't appear from your original post that you are in the same place he is. I speak from experience when I say these issues can be critical to the success of any relationship.

I've had friends in situations similar to some people have mentioned above.

It does indeed seem you two are really not in the same head space. I get the respect issue you have for him but I would worry that alone will not sustain you. I agree further intimacy of a physical nature seems like it would lead to the guilty sex again.

I'm not saying this would happen to you but just trying to illustrate a point that if you are both not doing something in complete consensus based on your own belief's meshing then it can go south in a bad way...and it may be hard to get things back on track.

JMHO
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Last edited by Alexjoujou; 09-28-2009 at 01:42 PM.
is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

just my two cents...
Originally Posted by luvmylocs
uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple which brings me to this point..

this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.
Originally Posted by scrills

I've known couples like this as well, who were shocked to discover once married that they didn't get along in the bedroom, after years of not having sex before marriage. It's one of the reasons why I feel pre-marital sex is important...so you can assess sexual compatibility. I don't think human lovers were meant to spend years together not having sex. Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
The bolded is what my mom used to say. She's fairly religious and waited for marriage to have sex but she said most men can't wait forever for sex and if they do, chances are there's something else going on.

Obviously this isn't true in every case. I know there are people who could pipe up and say how they dated for 5 years and never had sex and now they have a sex life most people only dream about. That being said, I know a lot of people from the other side of the fence--people who were celibate with their BF for years, only to find out later that he was gay, had a low sex drive, or had some other issue.
We all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!
Originally Posted by luvmylocs
A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.
Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
bingo!! like within months! i've known couples like this too and they are still married and happy and have kids (the old fashion way) so in these cases i really do believe they wanted to try to do it the "right" way...so like i said, they put a ring on it and got married....

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. A very active sex life suddenly put on ice for 'religious reasons'. Got married, still no sex. Come to find out, he was on the DL.
Originally Posted by hippychic
yeah, we've all wondered if he likes boys, maybe he's not even aware fully but how can he like his wife and not have sex for over a year!! like someone said in another thread...sex is VERY natural. we all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!
Originally Posted by luvmylocs
In this case, he wasn't on the DL, but he did hv someone else
We all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!
Originally Posted by luvmylocs
A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.
Originally Posted by Eilonwy
you are right. i didn't mean to sound judgemental but that's why i encourage the original poster to really think about compatibility in this area too...it's as important as any other area.
a dreamy pisces
please recycle, it matters...
i change lives...through fitness
i'm more relaxed being natural
We all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!
Originally Posted by luvmylocs
A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.
Originally Posted by Eilonwy
you are right. i didn't mean to sound judgemental but that's why i encourage the original poster to really think about compatibility in this area too...it's as important as any other area.
Originally Posted by luvmylocs

But she never said he or she had no appetite, in fact, the opposite and how hard it will be.

A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.
Originally Posted by Eilonwy
you are right. i didn't mean to sound judgemental but that's why i encourage the original poster to really think about compatibility in this area too...it's as important as any other area.
Originally Posted by luvmylocs

But she never said he or she had no appetite, in fact, the opposite and how hard it will be.
Originally Posted by Josephine
i was talking about the guy....many of us started talking about concerns with the guy being able to stop. that's what my story about my friend was about...the guy (her husband) had no sexual appetite.
a dreamy pisces
please recycle, it matters...
i change lives...through fitness
i'm more relaxed being natural
I don't think the point is wanting to "undo" the sex that's already happened but to try to be more disciplined in the future.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree. We've all done things that didn't necessarily go along with our morals, but it doesn't mean that we throw caution to the wind and keep doing them because "I did it once so why stop now..." Especially if boyfriend is feeling guilty/ashamed for not resisting temptation, I can see why he would want to avoid feeling that way in the future.

And while I agree that the OP should make sure she's comfortable with abstaining, I can definitely respect that she's willing to do so because she loves her boyfriend and respects his feelings. If the roles were reversed and she were posting here that she wanted to abstain and her boyfriend didn't want to, many posters would be calling her BF names and saying that he's not worth her time anyway and that the right guy would be willing to wait.
Originally Posted by PixieCurl
I don't think so.

The issue to me is that the way she presents it, they're on two completely different pages.

He: feels very guilty about having sex with her and doesn't want to anymore for religious reasons

She: is going along with that because she cares for him but it makes her feel her body is unattractive - doesn't have the same religious beliefs about sex and says "ha ha, we might still have sex but hopefully not too often."

To me, both of them have issues they need to work through alone rather than with the person they've been sleeping with. I'd say the same if it were reversed.

However, if they do stay together, I agree with spidey that they need to keep busy doing things other than physical intimacy of any kind, and definitely no lying down together anywhere even if it starts out not sexual, no "heavy petting"/ making out etc.

Also, I think these are the situations where people start having oral sex thinking it doesn't "count"...
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