ADULT - Intimacy without sex

littlemisscurly · 09-28-2009, 09:53 AM

Hey ladies,

Sorry bit of an adult topic, but I was wondering if you could give me some advice/tips.

My boyfriend is a Christian (I'm still on my journey about faith) and whilst we have previously had sex, he's felt guilty afterwards and he's since decided that he wants out relationship to be intimate on a different level.

However, like a lot of women I have some body issues and the lack of sex or even sleeping next to each other has knocked my confidence a bit. I know it's not a rejection of me and I actually respect his decision but it's hard to separate that in my head.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can increase the level of intimacy and romance in our relationship without sex?

TIA

PixieCurl · 09-28-2009, 10:04 AM

Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

scrills · 09-28-2009, 10:08 AM

There are other forms of intimacy that involve touch but not sex. Have you two had a discussion about where the line is drawn? Are any of the following allowed: kissing, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, spooning, other things too adult to mention (but still not sex)

Are you supplementing in other ways? Would you prefer more compliments during this time? What about letters? cards? More time together?

Topics like this seem to draw me back to the book, "the Five Love Languages" ---> touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts. There are other categories that could possibly bring a different type of closeness.

spiderlashes5000 · 09-28-2009, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

I see this going on for about 20 minutes and ending in a smash fest! LOL

PixieCurl · 09-28-2009, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

I see this going on for about 20 minutes and ending in a smash fest! LOL

But seriously, sometimes when I'm pregnant/postpartum I'm not feeling super-sexual... but I still make a point to let my husband know I find him attractive. Like if he looks sharp in a suit, or after a haircut, or after the gym, I'll say something like "You sure look handsome when [blank]" with a wink.

littlemisscurly · 09-28-2009, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

I see this going on for about 20 minutes and ending in a smash fest! LOL

Ha ha, well I think we both realise that that probably will happen on occasion but we need to not make it a habit.

How do I say to him that I need him to tell me he finds me attractive?

I also want to think of some ways I can show him I care that he would appreciate as I worry I only do things that I know I would appreciate if he did for me.

Think I might buy that book.

x

GuardianB · 09-28-2009, 10:23 AM

Physical - footrubs, massage, shampoos, spooning whilst watching tv

Mental - writing stories together alternating turns, being involved in each others hobbies,

Emotional - reading to one another in soft lighting, long walks together, camping trips, post it notes like candy hearts (thinking of you, missing you, kisses and hugs, etc)

Since sex can often be considered the most "adult" or "progressed" form of intimacy think about what you could be doing if you were 12 years old and innocent. I'm not saying be a child or immature but keeping an innocent feeling to your physical intimacy and if you are able to without crossing your moral lines... crank up the mental side (talking and writing about intimate fantasy). Not sure where or what your religious values start here but you 2 can figure that out.

Amneris · 09-28-2009, 11:13 AM

I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.

RedCatWaves · 09-28-2009, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amneris

I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.

I agree with this. I don't see the point of becoming celibate in a relationship that was already sexual. You can't unring a bell. You are both in different places...and, frankly, if my partner suddenly decided to become celibate, it wouldn't go over well with me.

ninja dog · 09-28-2009, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amneris

I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.

I agree with this. I don't see the point of becoming celibate in a relationship that was already sexual. You can't unring a bell. You are both in different places...and, frankly, if my partner suddenly decided to become celibate, it wouldn't go over well with me.

Guano (sort of):

What does the Salvation Army gal in "Guys and Dolls" sing when she goes wild?

"If I were a bell, I'd go ding dong ding dong ding!"

End Guano (utterly)

scrills · 09-28-2009, 11:39 AM

True, it can't undone, but that doesn't mean you can't stop. A lot of couple decide to be celibate (especially before the marriage).

I do agree with the point about 1) the body image 2) not being on the same page.

Question: was this a decision that the two of you made together? How do you feel about thise choice?

Hakim Nuraldin · 09-28-2009, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninja dog

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amneris

I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.

I agree with this. I don't see the point of becoming celibate in a relationship that was already sexual. You can't unring a bell. You are both in different places...and, frankly, if my partner suddenly decided to become celibate, it wouldn't go over well with me.

Guano (sort of):

What does the Salvation Army gal in "Guys and Dolls" sing when she goes wild?

"If I were a bell, I'd go ding dong ding dong ding!"

End Guano (utterly)

Don't kno why, but this here had me laughiiiiing. LMAO!

littlemisscurly · 09-28-2009, 11:45 AM

Well we've talked about it since the beginning and how hard we both find it to not be physically intimate but it matters to him, to his faith that we are and I feel like I should respect that just like I would expect him to if our roles were reversed.

RedCatWaves · 09-28-2009, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlemisscurly

Well we've talked about it since the beginning and how hard we both find it to not be physically intimate but it matters to him, to his faith that we are and I feel like I should respect that just like I would expect him to if our roles were reversed.

Then I suggest some serious communication is in order. You need to just tell him the way you feel and what you need specifically.

spiderlashes5000 · 09-28-2009, 11:53 AM

I don't think the point is wanting to "undo" the sex that's already happened but to try to be more disciplined in the future.

But I just wonder what your (OP) motivation will be to continue to abstain? Your bf's motivation is his religious belief that it's morally wrong. But, other than wanting to please your bf, what reason do you have to fall back on?

I definitely would not discourage you from trying, tho.

With regards to "increasing the level of intimacy," my take is different. All I think the massages and cuddling and spooning and hand holding will do is get you all hot and bothered. I think it would be better to spend more time as part of a group and in structured activities away from the house, if your goal is to abstain. Maybe join a gym together and work out...it might help w/ your body image issues, too. Maybe join a bowling league or volunteer for something on a regular basis, become active in a church group or something. Accomplishing things together can bring you closer and increae the level of respect you have for each other.

edit - OK, I see you've already said your motivation for doing this is to please your bf and show respect for his religious beliefs.

Josephine · 09-28-2009, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

With regards to "increasing the level of intimacy," my take is different.All I think the massages and cuddling and spooning and hand holding will do is get you all hot and bothered. I think it would be better to spend more time as part of a group and in structured activities away from the house, if your goal is to abstain. Maybe join a gym together and work out...it might help w/ your body image issues, too. Maybe join a bowling league or volunteer for something on a regular basis, become active in a church group or something. Accomplishing things together can bring you closer and increae the level of respect you have for each other.

I agree with this.

PixieCurl · 09-28-2009, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

I don't think the point is wanting to "undo" the sex that's already happened but to try to be more disciplined in the future.

I agree. We've all done things that didn't necessarily go along with our morals, but it doesn't mean that we throw caution to the wind and keep doing them because "I did it once so why stop now..." Especially if boyfriend is feeling guilty/ashamed for not resisting temptation, I can see why he would want to avoid feeling that way in the future.

And while I agree that the OP should make sure she's comfortable with abstaining, I can definitely respect that she's willing to do so because she loves her boyfriend and respects his feelings. If the roles were reversed and she were posting here that she wanted to abstain and her boyfriend didn't want to, many posters would be calling her BF names and saying that he's not worth her time anyway and that the right guy would be willing to wait.

luvmylocs · 09-28-2009, 12:05 PM

is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

just my two cents...

scrills · 09-28-2009, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs

is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

just my two cents...

uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple

which brings me to this point..

this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.

luvmylocs · 09-28-2009, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scrills

uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple

which brings me to this point..

this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.

girl i hope you don't really know them in real life

i TOTALLY agree with the bolded. i think when you live as roommates or friends or whatever and there's a lot of "innocence" in the relationship i think it can be VERY hard to turn back on the lusty feelings that are an important glue in healthy, adult relationships/marriages.

again, not trying to scare you but before you go off thinking about ways to make this work be honest with yourself about (1) do you WANT to make this work and (2) is religion the only reason for your bf's change in sexual attitudes.