Quick Punctuation Question

Ok, grammarphiles, here's one for you. I should know this (I think I do) but I want to make sure I do it right. You know how it is when you look at something a million times until nothing looks right? That's where I am now.

I'm writing a recommendation for my old manager for Linked In. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Here is what I have:
Foug is a dynamic and passionate leader who, through honesty, integrity, and drive for success, continually motivated and inspired our team throughout a period of unprecedented industry volatility. Foug is also an articulate communicator and natural collaborator with an ability to build rapport and maintain strong partnerships with executives, coworkers, employees and clients. These skills give him the unique ability to translate his vision into strategic marketing plans that meet business needs.
My question is about the first sentence. Should I put commas after who and success (as-is) or should they be semi-colons? Or is there another way that I'm missing?

I'm posting this tonight. Thanks!
Uh, is your old manager's name Doug?

No semi-colons. Honestly, I would rewrite that sentence. It's just a tricky one to follow, as-is.

Try:

Foug is a dynamic and passionate leader. Through honesty, integrity, and a drive for success, s/he continually motivated and inspired our team throughout a period of unprecedented industry volatility.
Also, if you're going to use a serial comma here:

Foug is a dynamic and passionate leader who, through honesty, integrity, and drive for success, continually motivated and inspired our team throughout a period of unprecedented industry volatility.
You should also use it here:

Foug is also an articulate communicator and natural collaborator with an ability to build rapport and maintain strong partnerships with executives, coworkers, employees, and clients
I hope you can see those. I boldfaced them and made them red, but they still don't really stand out.
No semicolons. You could do long dashes, but I prefer the commas because it's still readable. But because I'm a punctuation geek ... you have a serial comma in that series, but you don't use one for "employees and clients." I don't think either way matters, just be consistent.

ETA: I see wild~hair beat me to it!
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Last edited by Befrizzled; 09-29-2009 at 07:01 PM.
Foug.



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Thanks, ladies. I will rewrite as WH says and post the damn thing now. It was making my brain hurt.

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Never gets old...
Originally Posted by gekko422
It really doesn't.
Remove the comma between who and through
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comma before who not after...
Foug is a dynamic and passionate leader. Through honesty, integrity, and a drive for success, s/he continually motivated and inspired our team throughout a period of unprecedented industry volatility.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
Yes, I like this rewrite. Shorter sentences are better. I notice she put a comma between employees(,) and clients, which was the only thing I noticed.
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Foug is a dynamic and passionate leader. Through honesty, integrity, and a drive for success, s/he continually motivated and inspired our team throughout a period of unprecedented industry volatility.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
Yes, I like this rewrite. Shorter sentences are better. I notice she put a comma between employees(,) and clients, which was the only thing I noticed.
Originally Posted by mandyv
Yep, I pretty much copied and pasted that. It almost said Foug on LinkedIn but I caught it just in time.

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