Down and out, need advice (somewhat adult)

I've been a member here for a long while, but am posting under this name since people I know browse here. My husband and I are hitting somewhat of a slump and I'm completely miserable. I don't know what to do and have no idea how to fix issues.

We had a fight tonight because I've been pretty down and out. My job is beyond depressing, but the economy isn't giving many options. I'm grateful for the job, but 10 hours a day in a dark, secluded cubicle is killing me. The hours are horrible too and I get out of work in the middle of the night. That, and we're hurting for money, so we haven't been doing much outside of work and home lately. I'm trying to work on my attitude, but the husband said that he's tired of hearing that I'm miserable. Due to my hours, I really don't have people to talk to, so I'm keeping my work stuff to myself. I feel like I'm going to explode.

On top of it all, our sex life has never really been that great. I'm pretty sure it's due to a low sex drive on my part (and the pill isn't helping that). I'm just not interested. I'll have sex, do what he asks, but because I'm not all over him, the sex doesn't count. He's asked what we can do to make me interested, but I have no idea. He says it can't possibly be a low sex drive for me, but that I'm somehow being difficult on purpose. He doesn't like that I never finish during sex and that I'll occasionally wave him off from playing with me after... because I just don't feel like it. I guess I can give in a bit more, but I have honestly no idea why I don't want it at all. We're both young, so I'm lost. There's just nothing there.

The only thing that really got resolved in the fight is that I feel like he's putting other things in front of me. I'd like a little more romance... flowers, notes, something to let me know he's thinking of me. We work identical hours and our weekends are basically him holed up in his office and me downstairs. So we agreed that he needed to get off the computer and spend a little more time with me without the computer. I hope it helps, but I just want to be happy together again. Any ideas?
What did you two used to do when you first started dating? Even if money is tight, you can go for walks, explore museums, ride bikes, watch movies together at home and cuddle on the couch. Find a hobby that both of you can enjoy and do it together.

If you have any insurance, I'd also suggest seeing a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist - to check for depression.
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besides the sex and the money situation, how do you feel about him, honestly? the only time i have lacked interest in sex with a partner is when i'm forcing a relationship that i no longer want to be in (at that moment). i'm just totally unattracted to him for whatever reason, so i can't really engage in sex. these reasons can be anything from being depressed (which you possibly are since you're having financial difficulties). most of the time, in my situation, it's really not about my partner so there is nothing he can do to make it better. it's usually me that needs SOMETHING.

trust me, having a sucky job and financial issues are good enough reasons to feel the way that you feel! have you told him how it's really affecting you?

i hope you can find the peace of mind you are lucking for. g/l.

and i 2nd that therapy idea.
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He says it can't possibly be a low sex drive for me, but that I'm somehow being difficult on purpose.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
Your husband sounds insecure. He's probably unhappy with the situation, but he needs to stop attacking YOU and instead see what the two of you can do about this TOGETHER. I would tell him that you don't know why you have a low sex drive, but that it isn't your fault and he shouldn't take it personally NOR should he blame you for it. This type of situation can be stressful enough without him blaming you or letting his feelings be hurt by something that is not about him.


I feel like he's putting other things in front of me. I'd like a little more romance... flowers, notes, something to let me know he's thinking of me.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
Tell him this, and let him know that without these things, you aren't going to feel emotionally close and probably won't be interested in physical closeness either. Sex/romance is more than pushing the right buttons, it's about building a relationship. If he's not willing to put in the work to maintain the emotional parts of the relationship, he can't expect the sex to be through the roof.
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He says it can't possibly be a low sex drive for me, but that I'm somehow being difficult on purpose.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
Your husband sounds insecure. He's probably unhappy with the situation, but he needs to stop attacking YOU and instead see what the two of you can do about this TOGETHER. I would tell him that you don't know why you have a low sex drive, but that it isn't your fault and he shouldn't take it personally NOR should he blame you for it. This type of situation can be stressful enough without him blaming you or letting his feelings be hurt by something that is not about him.


I feel like he's putting other things in front of me. I'd like a little more romance... flowers, notes, something to let me know he's thinking of me.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
Tell him this, and let him know that without these things, you aren't going to feel emotionally close and probably won't be interested in physical closeness either. Sex/romance is more than pushing the right buttons, it's about building a relationship. If he's not willing to put in the work to maintain the emotional parts of the relationship, he can't expect the sex to be through the roof.
Originally Posted by Dancing Queen
ITA
is it possible to get off the BCP? I was on YAZ before and it killed my sex drive and anti depressants don't do much , actually are worse. If you can get off the pill, do it. Just use protection if you don't want youngings
also, have you considered therapy? there may be some deep seeded reasons, beyond the pill, that is making you not interested.
My hubs and i have been in a disconnect for awhile... but we've been putting . our energy towards moving, so i think once we're moved things will be better. He is ultra stressed about work and said he wont be excited about moving to a new house till we have the keys in hand. I'm so excited and he is afraid to be excited for fear it doesn't work out. I love him dearly , he's one of the best hubs around. He puts up with me and me him we just need to move and i think we'll be better. For one we haven't had a date night in a very long time. Kids kinda get in the way of that but again once we move we plan to do dinner and a movie.
So, have you and the hubs been on a nice date lately? can you afford to do a nice weekend a way?
He says it can't possibly be a low sex drive for me, but that I'm somehow being difficult on purpose.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
Your husband sounds insecure. He's probably unhappy with the situation, but he needs to stop attacking YOU and instead see what the two of you can do about this TOGETHER. I would tell him that you don't know why you have a low sex drive, but that it isn't your fault and he shouldn't take it personally NOR should he blame you for it. This type of situation can be stressful enough without him blaming you or letting his feelings be hurt by something that is not about him.


I feel like he's putting other things in front of me. I'd like a little more romance... flowers, notes, something to let me know he's thinking of me.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
Tell him this, and let him know that without these things, you aren't going to feel emotionally close and probably won't be interested in physical closeness either. Sex/romance is more than pushing the right buttons, it's about building a relationship. If he's not willing to put in the work to maintain the emotional parts of the relationship, he can't expect the sex to be through the roof.
Originally Posted by Dancing Queen
When sex had come up, he mentioned that we needed to work together, but it kept coming back to being my fault. I'll admit, I'm not the most outgoing sexually, but being ignored until he gets bored with what he's doing and seeking me out for sex only... that gets boring pretty quick.

He's agreed that he should be spending more time with me and he made an effort last night, which I appreciated. I'm tired of spending my evenings alone downstairs, so date nights may become a weekly thing. I don't remember the last real date we had, but we've been planning a weekend away for his birthday that should be fun.

Overall, I think we both have things to work on. Me, I need to feel better about life and stop stressing out over the little things. And I'd really like for him to pay attention to me outside of sex. We'll keep working and thanks for the advice, ladies.
He's agreed that he should be spending more time with me and he made an effort last night, which I appreciated. I'm tired of spending my evenings alone downstairs, so date nights may become a weekly thing.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
My husband and I both enjoy spending time on the computer in the evenings, especially when the other one is watching something on TV that we're not interested in. Whenever we've moved into a new place together we've made it a priority to have a computer in the room with the TV. Now that we've been in our house a few years, we do have a separate office with the computer (the desk wouldn't work in our living room/dining room) but we got a laptop so we can still hang out in the same room in the evenings. Even when we're doing two different things, just being in the same room helps I think.
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He's agreed that he should be spending more time with me and he made an effort last night, which I appreciated. I'm tired of spending my evenings alone downstairs, so date nights may become a weekly thing.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
My husband and I both enjoy spending time on the computer in the evenings, especially when the other one is watching something on TV that we're not interested in. Whenever we've moved into a new place together we've made it a priority to have a computer in the room with the TV. Now that we've been in our house a few years, we do have a separate office with the computer (the desk wouldn't work in our living room/dining room) but we got a laptop so we can still hang out in the same room in the evenings. Even when we're doing two different things, just being in the same room helps I think.
Originally Posted by PixieCurl
Good point. Don't know why that makes sense but it does.
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He's agreed that he should be spending more time with me and he made an effort last night, which I appreciated. I'm tired of spending my evenings alone downstairs, so date nights may become a weekly thing.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
My husband and I both enjoy spending time on the computer in the evenings, especially when the other one is watching something on TV that we're not interested in. Whenever we've moved into a new place together we've made it a priority to have a computer in the room with the TV. Now that we've been in our house a few years, we do have a separate office with the computer (the desk wouldn't work in our living room/dining room) but we got a laptop so we can still hang out in the same room in the evenings. Even when we're doing two different things, just being in the same room helps I think.
Originally Posted by PixieCurl
Good point. Don't know why that makes sense but it does.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
My bf and I do that too and it helps us a lot! The two of us are introverts and we spend a lot of time on our computers. We take daily baths together and bring our laptops into the tub with us! We're both doing separate things but we're in the same place while we do it, still being close and "intimate" while we take our bath together.

Sometimes bath/computer time leads to something more...

It's worth a try, anyways.
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guano:

can a person be electrocuted by a laptop if it falls into the tub?

end guano
guano:

can a person be electrocuted by a laptop if it falls into the tub?

end guano
Originally Posted by ninja dog
Hahahaha! I dunno...I don't think so...? You would ruin your laptop, though!

Maybe I should look into that...
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guano:

can a person be electrocuted by a laptop if it falls into the tub?

end guano
Originally Posted by ninja dog
Hahahaha! I dunno...I don't think so...? You would ruin your laptop, though!

Maybe I should look into that...
Originally Posted by TechKnockout
So how do you take a laptop into the tub with you without it getting wet? (I'm obviously missing something here...)
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guano:

can a person be electrocuted by a laptop if it falls into the tub?

end guano
Originally Posted by ninja dog
Hahahaha! I dunno...I don't think so...? You would ruin your laptop, though!

Maybe I should look into that...
Originally Posted by TechKnockout
So how do you take a laptop into the tub with you without it getting wet? (I'm obviously missing something here...)
Originally Posted by PartyHair
If you have a small laptop (like mine) then it is entirely possible to just set it on the rim of the tub or to balance it on your knees. It's not rocket science, lol.

Like so:



ETA:
Sorry to hijack your thread, monkee...
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Lord. I can barely read a book in the tub without it taking a swim. You're more coordinated than I am!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rock on with your bad self.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
@ TK - I dunno about the laptop in the tub with my partner (seems like a what's the point move to me)

@ OP - i think the focus needs to be off sex. you all need to get back to or start doing couples' stuff. romance and/or sex can spark from that... maybe some free counseling is in order with a member of the clergy or other group. you both are saying what you want but maybe neither of you are really listening thru the fog... ykwim??

marriage is hard sometimes. these financial times make it even harder. i wish you the best.
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He's agreed that he should be spending more time with me and he made an effort last night, which I appreciated. I'm tired of spending my evenings alone downstairs, so date nights may become a weekly thing.
Originally Posted by monkee1231
My husband and I both enjoy spending time on the computer in the evenings, especially when the other one is watching something on TV that we're not interested in. Whenever we've moved into a new place together we've made it a priority to have a computer in the room with the TV. Now that we've been in our house a few years, we do have a separate office with the computer (the desk wouldn't work in our living room/dining room) but we got a laptop so we can still hang out in the same room in the evenings. Even when we're doing two different things, just being in the same room helps I think.
Originally Posted by PixieCurl
We do this, too.


Not sure if you have ever had the basic "men and women work differently" talk with hubby but it might help to remind him that while he can go from zero to "horny as hell" in less than a minute it will take more time and foreplay for you to reach the same stage.
Also if you are not having orgasms then it isn't really a wonder why you are not into it.

In the earlier stages of dating I had a similar problem with my SO- he was always up for sex and the only one consistently finishing- until I spelled it out to him. Basically said that if there is no foreplay and he is the only one getting off then sex was way more fun for him than me.... and sex was no longer going to happen. Also pointed out that most women can't climax from intercourse alone so it was going to take more effort on his part to please me. We made a pact that he didn't get off until I did until we figured out sex that worked for both of us. It took a few weeks of trying and different methods (different lube/positions/toys) until he learned how to get me off every time we have sex. Once we both "benefited" from sex it became something we both look forward to.

Better sex that results in orgasms will help reduce your stress too.
I've been there, it sucks.

Have you tried, to borrow an analogy from an conversation I was having with a girlfriend earlier this evening, riding the bike solo once in a while? I find if I'm in a dry spell, knocking my own socks off once in a while will increase my appetite to have them knocked off by my husband.

I realize the issue is more than just about sex, but IME if there's a sexual issue it can bleed into other pars of your life. The job situation (been there, too) is really, really hard and frankly it sounds like your husband is being supremely insensitive to the stress and isolation the job issue is causing for you. Perhaps he needs that pointed out to correct the situation.

Have you tried any outside-the-box (no pun intended... okay, maybe a little) methods of arousal? Toys, games, porn? I find that helpful, too.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It's a really tough thing when all the stresses of life come on at once. I've found, when that happens, that it's incredibly important to remember that as bad as things seem, they'll get better eventually, and that your partner will (presumably) be patient and helpful in getting you through it. I hope that stands true for you. Good luck.
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