Is it always better to tell? - Page 2

sarah42 · 10-15-2009, 08:28 PM

I voted no. I think it might be possible for a relationship to recover from an affair, but (for me) that could only happen if it was a short and unmeaningful affair, i.e. the cheater wasn't in love with the person they cheated with, and they realized it was wrong. In that case, I don't think it would be helpful to tell the partner. If it were a long-term emotional affair, the relationship would have to end, and it would just be hurtful to reveal the affair.

I think sometimes people have affairs and act careless because they want to get caught and have an excuse to end their relationship.

I've never cheated or been cheated on, to my knowledge.

Starrwithoutnite · 10-15-2009, 09:41 PM

I have always said that if I found out that he was cheating then I would be gone, and I still stand by that today. If he came to me tonight saying he has slept with someone else I would be crushed. But I would be packing my **** and leaving within 5 minutes. I have never really been swayed to cheat but I dont think I could live with myself if I didnt tell him.

I think it should be full disclosure. Tell.

Lotsawaves · 10-15-2009, 10:50 PM

If you are in a relationship and feel the need to cheat then either you shouldn't be in that relationship or both of you need counseling.

automaticflowers · 10-16-2009, 03:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iroc

If it was a mistake, and you regret it, and you are still in your relationship and plan on not doing it again, telling is just going to tear the other person apart.

I think that's selfish, though, not altruistic at all. The person who cheated still wants to stay in the relationship -- OK. Tell the partner and let them decide. For the cheater, it's not about not wanting to hurt their partner (since they already deceived them and are now lying by omission), it's about them wanting to keep their relationship going.

iroc · 10-16-2009, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by utopiastars

Quote:

Originally Posted by iroc

If it was a mistake, and you regret it, and you are still in your relationship and plan on not doing it again, telling is just going to tear the other person apart.

I think that's selfish, though, not altruistic at all. The person who cheated still wants to stay in the relationship -- OK. Tell the partner and let them decide. For the cheater, it's not about not wanting to hurt their partner (since they already deceived them and are now lying by omission), it's about them wanting to keep their relationship going.

That's a logical thought as well.

I can only give my opinion based on my situation. My husband and I have discussed this type of scenario and both came up with a no tell solution.

In my case, the other person in the relationship HAS decided. We decided when we were being rational, and unemotional, and not yet hurt. I certainly don't want to be made the fool, so do not let there be a relationship that 'everyone else but me' knows about. If it gets to that point, the other person has to be told. But if this indescretion was only known by the two alduterors (?) involved, I would prefer to be kept in the dark.

automaticflowers · 10-16-2009, 10:02 PM

I can understand why some people would rather not know. It's definitely good to talk about the "What ifs" too, even if it never becomes an issue. I made sure my SO knew I'd want to be told if he cheated.

And I probably have some personal hangups about this topic, considering my parents' marriage ended after my dad cheated. I think my mom did the right thing for her, but everyone's different, especially when kids are involved.