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Old 09-14-2010, 09:55 PM   #1
 
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Default Making new friends

How do you make new friends? I'm 65. My best friend died 3 years ago and 2 of my other friends moved out of state. I'm feeling lonely and needy and I'm leaning too much on the friends I have left.

I sent 2 birthday cards to a girlfriend who is out of state and then e-mailed her asking if she got the cards (of course she did) but what I was really asking was for some attention to me. After I sent the e-mail I wished I could take it back!

She replied a little more cooly than usual. She undoubtedly felt I was pressuring her to respond which I was. I feel like a jerk. I've thought of apologizing to her but I think that will just make it a bigger deal than it already is. More me me me!

I don't want to lose the few friends I have left by being a needy pest. I need to make more friends. I'm not particularly religious and kind of shy. Any suggestions? I'm becoming a recluse since my operation. I need to get a job for financial reasons and also to meet more people, but so far no luck.

Helpful suggestions will be appreciated.
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:41 AM   #2
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that is tough. i guess we are at the age where we are losing people. i, also, lost my best friend a year and a half ago, and am still lost without him. i have other friends, some newly close, but it is still not the same and i know it will never be. but, that doesn't mean it can't be good. i also lost a man i was dating when he died suddenly. and some of my friends have friends who have recently died.

i don't know where you live, but i try to push myself out to activities that i enjoy, ie, take some adult ed courses, they are cheap, informative, and at the very least, a night out. i have met people that way. i also go swing dancing when i can get myself together after work and out. met people that way, many of whom i could pursue a friendship with. look up some activities on meetup.com, see what they have in your area.

and, the other thing i do is if i find that i have a long weekend alone (thankfully now it does not happen much at all, but there are times....), i find projects to do around the house, then get books/movies out of the library for later that evening. and know that i will be socializing again.
good luck!
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Old 09-15-2010, 05:06 AM   #3
 
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What are you interests/hobbies? There are probably clubs, activities, classes or volunteer opportunities associated with those hobbies. Then pursuing one or a combo of those will help you to meet people with similar interests. Once you meet people then you need to put yourself out there a bit and try to connect. Ask if anyone feels like going out for a quick bite to eat or a cup of coffee after a class/meeting. Try to get email addresses of people so you can follow up.

It can be hard. Sorry you're going through a rough time. You've got us here, though!
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Old 09-15-2010, 07:46 AM   #4
 
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(((HUGS))) Wish I lived close by. I'm in a similar situation. I haven't had friends pass away, but I'm the only single one, so they don't spend as much time with me anymore. They do more of the couple get togethers. Every once in a while they will throw me a bone.

Recently I met a group of people at the apt complex where I live. They're alright, but not enough for me to make a big effort to get together with them that often.

I just joined "Wine Bats" on meetup.com. It's a group who go to wine tastings and learn about wine. The age group is 30's to 60's. Who knows.
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Old 09-15-2010, 10:18 AM   #5
 
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There is a group I read about in MORE magazine called girlfriend circles. I joined but haven't attended any gatherings yet. It took a couple of weeks for them to match me because they didn't have enough people in San Diego yet. I am matched for the 29th. However, it is a good 20 miles north of where I live and I am not sure I want to start with a group that far away. I will probably wait until they have one closer. However, I bet in NYC they have lots of groups. I can't provide a link because my work seems to be blocking it now. (The day they block nc I QUIT!). It does have a monthly fee, but until you actually attend a gathering they don't charge or they didn't charge me because they didn't have a group at first. It might be worth a try.
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:05 PM   #6
 
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I looked into this, as well. I love More magazine. There weren't any groups nearby, plus I didn't want to pay a monthly fee. I think it's $35. I did find an older singles group.

ETA: My daughter has a ton of friends, because of her children. She's made friends at their school and Mommy groups. When we get older and our children are grown, I think it's much harder. I don't have a lot of interests. I wish I did.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."

Last edited by Lotsawaves; 09-15-2010 at 12:11 PM.
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:52 PM   #7
 
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Art and pottery classes are a good way to meet people. Especially pottery...pottery people are very "earthy" and friendly. If you are able to exercise, then yoga classes seem to have groups that are quite friendly.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:26 PM   #8
 
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(((Hugs))) back to each of you for responding. I was very anxious about being so honest and vulnerable but it was worth it. Your answers were very helpful.

Rbb, I felt you really understood where I was at because you've had similar experiences. I was so glad to read your post because it made me feel less like there was something "wrong" with me and to be frank, I needed a little sympathy which you gave me. I felt your warmth right away.

2Poodles, you made me smile and feel good! You said "you've got us here" and it was really, really important to me. Having my curly friends has helped me feel less lonely - even if that does sound a little dorky, but I've been housebound so much this year.

Lotsa, Lotsa, Lotsa - I wish you lived close by too! You know you're one of my very favorite people on this forum, and you'd be a great, fun and special friend. The "wine bats" sounds perfect for me - since I have bats in my belfry these days. Both of your posts helped me feel better. Love you, sweetie.

SDC that's a cool idea! Girlfriend circles is exactly what I need. I've never heard of that. I will definitely look into it and report back. There has to be something like that in NYC. I get MORE magazine and I'll have to start reading it more closely.

RCW I like the idea of a pottery class. I want to have pottery that I can fling against the wall when I am feeling furious which is alternating with sadness these days. Crash!!! I did try one yoga class; but it wasn't for me. I forgot that I had planned to try yoga a while back. I will give it another shot with a different type of yoga.

Thanks again to everyone for the ideas and the support!!!. I've been embarrassed about feeling so lonely (I think - what's wrong with me that I have so few friends?) but I feel much better today and I don't feel anymore like it's my fault. I just have to make more of an effort at this age.
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2/c and some 3A. Modified CG.
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Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Conditioners: Curl Junkie Beauticurls Strengthening Conditioner,
Deep condish: Curl Junkie Curl Rehab
Stylers: Experimenting with cones & sulfates while the dews are high. Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
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Last edited by curlypearl; 09-15-2010 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:40 PM   #9
 
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Don't be embarrassed by admitting you are lonely. I get lonely, a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lonely or just tired of being alone. I don't mind my own company, but would like to share my life with someone. I think it sucks being single at my age. This, to me, is a great age to be married. The children are grown, so you aren't that tied down and can travel and spend time with each other. I see this everyday where I work. Older couples come in and talk about the trips they've gone on or the trips they are planning. I just took a vacation and spent the majority of it by myself at home. That's pretty pathetic.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:52 PM   #10
 
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I think it's harder to find new friends as we age. Some people are just consumed by family, and not really accessible.

Would it help to consider getting closer to the acquaintances you have? Sometimes that works for me. I've recently become closer to a woman I didn't know well, but liked.

There's a lot of variables, but getting involved in things you like might put you in touch with those who will sense your joy and want to know you better, too.

Btw, I would definitely want to be your friend irl, CP. I think you're grand.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:58 PM   #11
 
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How old are you Ninja and are you single? I'm just curious, because I really enjoy you here and I thought you were in your 20 or 30's.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:09 PM   #12
 
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I am "a woman of a certain age."

I get to say that because:

a) I'm drunk right now;

b) I'm of French background;

c) I can't believe I'm older than dirt, already!

What all this means is that I'm 40-ish. It happened so fast!
One minute I was looking in the mirror in my twenties (and thinking I'm too fat); and now, 20 years later, I'm doing the same godamned thing!

Too much wine for Ninja. Apologies for any absurdity (beyond the usual).
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:22 PM   #13
 
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Ninja, this makes me love you even more. You and curlypearl are my favs here.

I'm drinking wine tonight, also.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:33 PM   #14
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninja dog View Post
I think it's harder to find new friends as we age. Some people are just consumed by family, and not really accessible.

Would it help to consider getting closer to the acquaintances you have? Sometimes that works for me. I've recently become closer to a woman I didn't know well, but liked.

There's a lot of variables, but getting involved in things you like might put you in touch with those who will sense your joy and want to know you better, too.

Btw, I would definitely want to be your friend irl, CP. I think you're grand.
Yippee, yippee, yippee. That's high praise in my book. My self-esteem just soared up.

This is a good time to tell you ND, that on account of you, I have totally changed my mind about pitbulls, and have become friendly with a sweet one who rides in my elevator.
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Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Conditioners: Curl Junkie Beauticurls Strengthening Conditioner,
Deep condish: Curl Junkie Curl Rehab
Stylers: Experimenting with cones & sulfates while the dews are high. Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:38 PM   #15
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves View Post
Ninja, this makes me love you even more. You and curlypearl are my favs here.

I'm drinking wine tonight, also.
Me too! Lotsa wine. And smiling, smiling, getting happer and happier ....
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2/c and some 3A. Modified CG.
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Conditioners: Curl Junkie Beauticurls Strengthening Conditioner,
Deep condish: Curl Junkie Curl Rehab
Stylers: Experimenting with cones & sulfates while the dews are high. Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:47 PM   #16
 
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So, we're all three indulging in the grape tonight? Fun! This is like a night out for us together. See we have friends. We're just at a distance.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
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Old 09-16-2010, 06:42 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves View Post
Don't be embarrassed by admitting you are lonely. I get lonely, a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lonely or just tired of being alone. I don't mind my own company, but would like to share my life with someone. I think it sucks being single at my age. This, to me, is a great age to be married. The children are grown, so you aren't that tied down and can travel and spend time with each other. I see this everyday where I work. Older couples come in and talk about the trips they've gone on or the trips they are planning. I just took a vacation and spent the majority of it by myself at home. That's pretty pathetic.
that's how i feel. not lonely, but tired of being alone, in the good and the bad, and the merely inconvenient. i won't settle, tho. rather have my own company than bad company. recently came close, had a relationship in 2006 that ended for a unique reason, he came back into my life a year ago, we got very serious, then things went 'south,' recently, so i ended it. my friends and my kids all have their own take on what happened, but bottom line is, he's not available and it's not happening. so here i am again. and it is different this time as we spent every weekend together for many months, talked about a future together..... so it was more than dating. i stopped thinking of myself as alone, and started thinking as a couple. now i have to rearrange and wrap my head around this. thankfully, i have good friends and great kids and sweet baby granddaughters who fill my life with joy. and my work (haha -- will not ever be able to retire, but i do love my work, so....)
i've been lucky, have had stretches where it was lean, but have been able to find good friends as i go along.

ninja dog -- what you said about getting closer to an acquaintance you like, has been true for me. i worked at a place oh, about 10, 12 years ago and liked all my coworkers. ironically, i became very close with 3 of them after we all left the place. first with one at her invitation to get together, then she moved away. then the other two, slowly but surely we've become very good friends. and at a surprise to me. one is married, so i don't see her all that often, but we truly connect when we do, and i can freely email her.

there will be people you will meet at activities whom you like. give some of them a try, meeting for coffee, a walk, whatever. it will be like our hair products -- some you will throw away, some will be occasional, some will be staples, and you may even find the hg of a friend!
it is difficult, but taking steps in the right direction helps. they will get you there.
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washing/cowashing, conditioning, leave in, protein tx: curl junkie products. styling:curl junkie conditioners only at times, cj pattern pusha, cj honey butta leave in, cj cccc, cj ciab, lalsg. trying ufdcm. cj aloe fix gel is my high dews/summer HG!! sealants - spiral solutions emollience butter, jane carter nourish & shine
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:26 AM   #18
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curlypearl View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by ninja dog View Post
I think it's harder to find new friends as we age. Some people are just consumed by family, and not really accessible.

Would it help to consider getting closer to the acquaintances you have? Sometimes that works for me. I've recently become closer to a woman I didn't know well, but liked.

There's a lot of variables, but getting involved in things you like might put you in touch with those who will sense your joy and want to know you better, too.

Btw, I would definitely want to be your friend irl, CP. I think you're grand.
Yippee, yippee, yippee. That's high praise in my book. My self-esteem just soared up.

This is a good time to tell you ND, that on account of you, I have totally changed my mind about pitbulls, and have become friendly with a sweet one who rides in my elevator.


Well, that makes my day. Bless your heart for having an open mind and learning about this wonderful breed. (It's raining here today, and mine are all hiding.)
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:28 AM   #19
 
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Originally Posted by Lotsawaves View Post
How old are you Ninja and are you single? I'm just curious, because I really enjoy you here and I thought you were in your 20 or 30's.
Me? Single? I have the ability to decimate romantic relationships like no other!
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:52 AM   #20
 
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Ninja, you always make me laugh.

How's your head this morning? I'm taking a sick day.
__________________
From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
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