Who's 40+ and dating?

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Let me hear you say.....GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

My sister is 50 and is dating and I find it all horrifying. Online dating, going out with strangers, it's all just so weird to me.
I have dated tons over the years but I've lived in the same area all my life so it was rare to go out with a total stranger. And of course there was no meeting someone online then. Everything was in person. So maybe modern day daters think our way was weird and horrifying too!
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A few years ago, when I was 47/48, I went on 13 different first dates in less than a year. Less than a handful were for more than one date and most of them were from dating websites; I know several people who have found their SO through dating websites and are now happily married. My BF was one of the first dates, but of course, we've had many more since then.

I always smile when I see the match.com commercial saying that people using their services have the best success rate in establishing a long term relationship. I was a member of match.com and I am in a long term relationship, but it wasn't started through match.com. It could be said that my awful experiences with the likes of march.com made me even more determined to make this match through non-internet means work out!
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Addendum: prior to age 44, I had two dates before meeting my ex-husband at the age of 17/18 years old. We wed when we were 19 and the rat ba$tard cheated on me at 44. I am now 50, and at 46/47 I had a GREAT TIME sowing some wild oats, lol. I sowed a little, post breakup, but really went WILD at 46/47. If this relationship were to end, I'd dat again, but probably not on-line
dp
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Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 02-13-2014 at 02:59 PM.
A few years ago, when I was 47/48, I went on 13 different first dates in less than a year. Less than a handful were for more than one date and most of them were from dating websites; I know several people who have found their SO through dating websites and are now happily married. My BF was one of the first dates, but of course, we've had many more since then.

I always smile when I see the match.com commercial saying that people using their services have the best success rate in establishing a long term relationship. I was a member of match.com and I am in a long term relationship, but it wasn't started through match.com. It could be said that my awful experiences with the likes of march.com made me even more determined to make this match through non-internet means work out!
Originally Posted by KauaiMareCurl
A few years ago, when I was 47/48, I went on 13 different first dates in less than a year. Less than a handful were for more than one date and most of them were from dating websites; I know several people who have found their SO through dating websites and are now happily married. My BF was one of the first dates, but of course, we've had many more since then.

I always smile when I see the match.com commercial saying that people using their services have the best success rate in establishing a long term relationship. I was a member of match.com and I am in a long term relationship, but it wasn't started through match.com. It could be said that my awful experiences with the likes of march.com made me even more determined to make this match through non-internet means work out!
Originally Posted by KauaiMareCurl
Yeah, I met my ex-husband online. More dates, more relationships, more marriages and probably more divorces, too! LOL

***

I'm debating whether or not to return to online dating. I've done it a lot. It was fun but a bit overwhelming, too. A decent-looking woman w/ a lighthearted profile will get A LOT of mail, esp at first. But there are so many head games! And a real crappy "disposable" feeling to the relationships.

I would like to meet men in person but I rarely meet any (that I would be interested in) that way. I don't go out much, socially, and when i'm just out running errands or going from point A to point B, I'm usually rushing and pre-occupied.

I wouldn't mind being fixed up by a friend...if any of them understood what I am attracted to.

There's been someone in my life longterm but he is a very difficult, very stubborn, very set-in-his-ways, never-married 45 y/o who I just don't think I'll ever be able to "retrain."

The 40s are a weird decade. Some men still loook great and have heads full of thick, dark hair, great bodies, all their teeth, good clothes. And then some are rocking the old, balding, overweight grandpapa look. Some of them have young kids (like I do) and others are the ~grandfathers~ of kids older than my two.

I'm scared of getting involved w/ a guy w/ too much baggage. But on the other end of the spectrum, some guys are literally undatable due to lack of relationship experience.

I can't quite compete w/ the childless, fit 30 y/olds, bodywise, anymore. But somehow I feel pressure to.

At least I'm not part of Gen Y where they just "hang" instead of go on dates. That would drive me crazy.

But I think I may just throw a profile up tonight (on a dating site) and see what happens. But which one???
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 02-12-2014 at 09:01 PM.
Sort of. There isn't so much of a culture of formal 'dating' in many parts of UK society/ social groups. We just meet someone through a very extended social circle, that leads to either casual sex or swiftly declaring a relationship. It's as much a social class thing as a generation thing here I think.

The relationship generally involves the same group social activities as before plus alone time mostly at one or another's homes. It's as much about friendship as love but I suppose you miss out on being spoiled and having something to dress up for, and sometimes it can be tough to get quality time ... that can get 'invaded'.

I am almost four months in to my current relationship after a four year hiatus which spanned turning 40. I find both casual sex and formal dating unappealing, but found them absolutely terrifying when my marriage ended at 29 (ten years together so pretty 'rusty').
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Sort of. There isn't so much of a culture of formal 'dating' in many parts of UK society/ social groups. We just meet someone through a very extended social circle, that leads to either casual sex or swiftly declaring a relationship. It's as much a social class thing as a generation thing here I think.

The relationship generally involves the same group social activities as before plus alone time mostly at one or another's homes. It's as much about friendship as love but I suppose you miss out on being spoiled and having something to dress up for, and sometimes it can be tough to get quality time ... that can get 'invaded'.

I am almost four months in to my current relationship after a four year hiatus which spanned turning 40. I find both casual sex and formal dating unappealing, but found them absolutely terrifying when my marriage ended at 29 (ten years together so pretty 'rusty').
Originally Posted by Firefox7275
sounds exactly like a bridget jones movie!!!

i've been dating on/off since my divorce many years ago. some serious relationships...... a couple of good friends from it, one was my bf (til he died 4 yrs ago.)

since 2007 i've been going to a weekly swing dance on & off over the years. lots of fun, super nice people, just all out to dance. and now we've been doling more ballroom in with it, making it lots of fun. the men are nice, but so far, no one i would date altho i've had offers. if it's not someone i really think we'd have a chance at a relationship with, i don't want to mess with the friendly, easy dynamics at swing dance..... and, there are other dances i go to that are more ballroom, but still fun.

not that dancing takes the place of a nice man in my life, but until then.... and i do have male friends to go to dinner/lunch/movies/shopping with, like a girlfriend with the male point of view.

i just got a book from the library, a memoir, "granny is my wingman," about a woman in her 20s and her 75 yr old grandmother who both go on to online dating websites and their experiences. not the best book i've read, but there are some funny descriptions of meetings. (i had a girlfriend whose mom used to call the men she would meet from online, 'webmen.' we got a laugh out of that.)
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Last edited by rbb; 02-13-2014 at 11:24 AM.
Sort of. There isn't so much of a culture of formal 'dating' in many parts of UK society/ social groups. We just meet someone through a very extended social circle, that leads to either casual sex or swiftly declaring a relationship. It's as much a social class thing as a generation thing here I think.

The relationship generally involves the same group social activities as before plus alone time mostly at one or another's homes. It's as much about friendship as love but I suppose you miss out on being spoiled and having something to dress up for, and sometimes it can be tough to get quality time ... that can get 'invaded'.

I am almost four months in to my current relationship after a four year hiatus which spanned turning 40. I find both casual sex and formal dating unappealing, but found them absolutely terrifying when my marriage ended at 29 (ten years together so pretty 'rusty').
Originally Posted by Firefox7275
Yes, I would miss feeling a little spoiled if I wasn't asked out on dates and didn't have car doors opened for me, etc. I don't expect that all the time...but it's nice in the begiining. Even if we just meet at a bar, I want him to ask me what I want and walk up and pay for it.

I don't have a problem finding this (except w/ the one person I really want it from)...but it seems the ones who are the most likely to want to wine and dine me, have other traits that turn me off.

The worst is the guy who is divorced and you can tell he is still shell shocked and emotionally destroyed from it.

Or the guy who wants to discuss sex on the first date.

Or the one who boasts nonstop about his money/possessions/sexual conquests/job/intelligence/status.

Or the one who gets lost/goes to the wrong place.

Or the one who thinks he has me "all figured out."

Or the male chauvenist pig.

Or the one who is dressed badly or like a pimp.

Or the one who is shorter/fatter/older than his pics/data say he is.

But hope springs eternal; and I think I am ready to throw my hat back in the ring.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Yeah sometimes I'd like to be 'dated' but by someone I feel comfortable with, not complete strangers. Too many are happy to take you out and pay, but push for sex in return.

Surprisingly in other ways my current guy is more traditional than any other partner I've had. He pays for everything when he has money, opens doors and ALWAYS carries parcels when we shop. We both have 'baggage' but in general ... he might just be a keeper.

The biggest thing I am looking for at 40+ is someone I can trust and rely on. I'm damaged goods and have mental health issues, its not realistic to expect someone who doesn't have a history themselves. I guess my issues and tolerances have to somehow 'fit' with their issues and tolerances!!
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Experimenting with: benign neglect
I find I don't have the stomach for it anymore. I felt a bit wistful today when a young co-worker of mine received a delivery of flowers from her boyfriend, but mostly I feel that I've had my "time in the sun" and it was both good and bad. I've been married, engaged, lived with a fellow or two, and dated a lot (and I've also been stalked, more than once), but ultimately, at this point, I'm not interested in "making it happen." I know fate needs a nudge or two sometimes, but I'm content to chance it. If I meet someone someday, great. If I don't, that's okay, too.

If I did date online, however, I'd use that algorithm site......the one where you have to answer loads of questions before posting a profile. It seems like the pool of men are somewhat less goofy, but I could be wrong. I'm going by what I've heard from women who've had good experiences there.
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Last edited by claudine191; 02-13-2014 at 07:15 PM.
Surprisingly in other ways my current guy is more traditional than any other partner I've had. He pays for everything when he has money, opens doors and ALWAYS carries parcels when we shop. We both have 'baggage' but in general ... he might just be a keeper.

The biggest thing I am looking for at 40+ is someone I can trust and rely on. I'm damaged goods and have mental health issues, its not realistic to expect someone who doesn't have a history themselves. I guess my issues and tolerances have to somehow 'fit' with their issues and tolerances!!
Originally Posted by Firefox7275
Psst...let me tell you a secret..."EVERYBODY has issues"! Some have BIG issues and some have little issues. Some are at various stages of dealing with their issues which is healthy and others are in denial and these are the ones that cause problems for everyone else.

There are no perfect people and I am of the mind that relationships that work involve people who can deal with one another's issues.

My daughter says you just have to decide how much baggage you can deal with; if it's a "carry on", don't allow someone to pull up with a "moving van"...LOL!

I am a hopeful romantic...[not hopeless]...and believe if two people are truly in love, they can overcome many things. Not in lust, or one is in love but both are committed and in love with one another.

Blessings!
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I find I don't have the stomach for it anymore. I felt a bit wistful today when a young co-worker of mine received a delivery of flowers from her boyfriend, but mostly I feel that I've had my "time in the sun" and it was both good and bad. I've been married, engaged, lived with a fellow or two, and dated a lot (and I've also been stalked, more than once), but ultimately, at this point, I'm not interested in "making it happen." I know fate needs a nudge or two sometimes, but I'm content to chance it. If I meet someone someday, great. If I don't, that's okay, too.

If I did date online, however, I'd use that algorithm site......the one where you have to answer loads of questions before posting a profile. It seems like the pool of men are somewhat less goofy, but I could be wrong. I'm going by what I've heard from women who've had good experiences there.
Originally Posted by claudine191
OK Cupid? haha, I started to join that site the other night. I got thru about 40 questions and couldn't take it anymore. LOL The questions were largely irrelevent to me and I kept answering that how the guy responded to most of the questions would also be irrelevent. So the system kept prodding me to say that the guy's answers would be "very important" to me...so as to refine my search. But they really wouldn't. The questions weren't tapping into too many of my critical issues and dealbreakers. And for me, the answer to the questions aren't as important as the reasons why. Sometimes you can't answer a question w/ a simple yes or no. And I would hate to think I would be kept from meeting a great guy bc he interpreted a question or two differently than I did and checked the "wrong" box. And as with anything else, ppl can and do misrepresent themselves in these situations.

I might go back and try again if I have the time...it's a free site so I guess there's nothing to lose...other than another hour of my life.

If I could tailor the questions to fit my personal priorities, this might be OK. Within reason. To me, a better measure are the open-ended questions that ask about the guy's ideal partner and his turn offs. That speaks volumes. The open-ended questions asking the guy to describe himself are pretty pointless IMO bc ppl don't self report well, for various reasons.

And of course, pics are invaluable (to me). That's gotta be the first level of screening. You get a little from the profile...a little more from the phone call...and then you just gotta go out a few times.

hmmmm I'm starting to get more and more interested in doing this...I can tell bc I'm talking a lot LOL
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in that book i read, 'granny is my wingman,' okcupid was one of the sites she joined and she talks about the men from that site.
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spider, I'm thinking of e-harmony. Is that the same site you were describing? (I can rarely remember the name of the site until I see a message yet again in my spam folder.)

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spider, I'm thinking of e-harmony. Is that the same site you were describing? (I can rarely remember the name of the site until I see a message yet again in my spam folder.)
Originally Posted by claudine191
Oh no. I've never been to eharmony. OKCupid asks a lot of questions and supposedly uses a statistical analysis to suggest potential matches, also.

I've heard mixed reviews of eharmony...but a few ppl told me they went thru all the rigamarole and then the site basically told them there weren't any potential matches for them at the moment...bye. And that would just piss me off. Like I am too F'd up/weird/marginal for you to try to help me. LOL How are you gonna tell me that like it's a fact. At least let me in so I can look around and see for myself, you know?
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 02-14-2014 at 02:41 PM.
I see your point.

I didn't know people were shut out due to lack of potential partners. Not sure I like that idea for the same reasons you mention.

http://geaugadoggy.wordpress.com
My high school sweetheart and I reconnected online in 2012 and have been talking. He said he has always loved me and couldn't marry anyone else. He has a son and he knew about his dad's feelings for me.

I have been waiting because I wanted him to get to know the woman I am today, not the girl he loved in high school. He doesn't live here although he has come here and I have gone there. He was with me when my mom had a heart attack, and my family was glad to see him again.

We talk on the phone all the time, share and laugh about many things. He still looks good, exercises and eats healthy.

Here lately we have become closer and the word "marriage" has even come up...hmmm...maybe...

Blessings!
My hair is "exotic, beautiful and free",,,yeah, that be ME!!!
3B/C - Easy to straighten, [no heat ever/no protect. styling].

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I am a "Co-Wash/Finger Comb Lady!

Scalp Cleanser - SM ABS Purification Hair Masque
Co-wash - Tresemme Naturals
Leave In - SM CH C&S Cond.
Hydration - SM CH Curl Smoothie
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Deep Cond. - SM Manuka & Mafura DC

I see your point.

I didn't know people were shut out due to lack of potential partners. Not sure I like that idea for the same reasons you mention.
Originally Posted by claudine191
Chemistry.com was created as an answer for those that eharmany rejected. Eharmony asks important questions for relationship compatibility. However, you are dependent upon what is available in your area and who the site chooses for you. Usually, the men on eharmony are actually looking for a serious relationship instead of whatever happens happens like on other sites. I would suggest Match over OkCupid, as the weirdos flock there.

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