Dating After 40......

I have so many people tell me I am too picky when it comes to dating. I rarely date anymore. I came across an article in More magazine written by Karen Allen, the actress. She is single & 56. She says "I feel that if I'm going to get involved at this point, I'm looking for the person I'd spend the rest of my life with and short of that, I honestly like being on my own." These are my feelings exactly. I think dating at my age is very different then dating in your 20's & 30's. I just don't have the energy for the dating marathons or wasting my time on someone who won't commit. I have the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" and I pretty much have it memorized. My last relationship lasted for 3 years & he would never commit. All the signs were there, but I didn't know what to look for. I'm sure most of you are married or in a serious relationship, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on this subject & I'd really like to hear from the older singles here.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
I am married, and I plan on staying married. But, I have been suddenly-single a couple times in my adult life, so I have given this topic some thought.

If I were to find myself single again in my later years, I know I would never marry again, or live with anyone either. I might date, but *I* would be the one refusing to commit, not the man. I would probably keep a couple of men on the string...for romance and companionship, and the occasional household chore.
RCW....I was in that mindset when I ended my 20 year marriage, but I feel differently now that I have been divorced for 16 years. I also have a hard time with dating more than one man at a time when sex is involved. It complicates things.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
I'm single and in my early 40's. It's pretty complicated. So many men are just plain weird.....and of course, I've become settled in my ways after ending my marriage 8 years ago.
I'm pretty settled in my ways also. I really need my space & don't want someone around who will tell me what to do. It's funny too how men in my age group are still horny dogs. My interest in sex has decreased since menopause & I just don't want someone around who will be wanting sex all the time.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
I'm okay with that aspect of a relationship, but there's just so many other issues....lifestyle, education, family.
A big rule of mine is no children living at home or who aren't but are still very dependant. I have some friends in that situation & they are miserable. I was surprised at the men in their 40's & 50's who still had young children at home. I guess I shouldn't be because my SIL is 43 & he & my daughter have a 3 & a 4 year old. I've also come across men in their 40's who didn't have children & want to get involved with women in their early 30's so they can be a Father. I'd prefer someone who is already a grandfather or wanting to be one. I just don't want to date someone in his 70's.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
I've been seeing someone younger for a few years now, and what I find is that having done it before (unsuccessfully, in my marriage), I no longer have the will to get through some of the work it takes to make a relationship thrive. He's a great guy, but now that I know that I CAN live without my beloved (whoever that happens to be at the time), I find I'm willing to do so more often. I sometimes feel like I'm cheating him because of this.

It has limited me a lot, but I'm just not great at dealing with kids. I had stepmothers when I was growing up, and I know it sucks. I basically try to avoid dating men who are "active" parents.

Plus, I think a lot of men who are available (at least around here) are just plain weird, like the one I met who went to a gymnastics competition at a local school, despite not having any children of his own involved. As soon as he told me that, my brain flashed, "Kook! Kook! Kook!"
"Joy," on The View, once stated real statistics that said: "It's more likely a woman over 40 will be in a plane crash than to marry again." :/ My first thought was.. do we REALLY need to hear that?

I'm picky, and in a 'transition' period with an 8yr relationship where I feel that the addage of "why buy the cow when the milk is free" may just fit. There's more to it, way more, but I know it's time for me to move on. But.. again, I'm picky.

What's disheartening is most guys my age don't care what they look like anymore, feel they don't 'have' to be romantic or go through the charming part of getting to know a woman. Most, actually, behave like 'old men.' and the ones who don't, want 20-somethings.

What's a girl to do?

NOT settle for being second best is a good start, but dang...
I would never want to get married again, at least I know that much. I've had relationships with four different men since my marriage broke up, some relatively short (3-4 months), two of them longer (one 2 years and the current one 5 years). The current relationship I'm in has been off and on and sort of casual for the most part. Even though he has some issues, I stick with him because he's smart, we like the same things, and he has a sexy body! However, I think the real reason I stick with him is because I just don't feel like making the effort of getting into the dating game again. The times when he and I have been apart over the years and I've tried dating, I found it to be rather exhausting. The fun has gone out of it for some reason, not sure why.

I have to agree with what others said, you get used to being by yourself and doing what you want when you want. It would be tough to give that up. I like having someone in my life who doesn't live with me.
I have 3A hair. I've discovered Jessicurl shampoo and Too Shea conditioner and I'm thrilled! Long-time LA Looks sport gel user.
I was at my daughter's house over the holiday weekend & she invited people over for a cook-out. There were 3 men there who were in their early 40's who were doing the night club scene every weekend. They were hooking up with women in their early 20's. One guy told me he had just met a woman who was 20, but he quickly let me know she would be turning 21 in 2 weeks. I give up. I'm just going to buy some cats & learn how to knit. Just Kidding!
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
Ugh --- men in their 40's going to clubs? How lame! Certainly they realize that girls in their 20's will dump their saggy a$$es for someone more fun/fit/realistic? G-string, I hope you laughed at them publicly.

Also, I read somewhere that that old statistic about women in their 40's being unlikely to marry was proven wrong. Get with it, Joy Behar! And quit straightening your hair.
I have been happily married for 29 years, but I strongly feel that if I were to suddenly find myself single at this point in my life, I would, without a doubt, remain that way. I haven't the energy or the inclination to live with, or marry anyone else. Sleepovers?...certainly, but nothing more permanent.
The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention.

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. (Invictus - William Ernest Henley)

Just think I used to worry 'bout things like that,
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny, 'til I wound up poor and fat,
Nowadays I kind of worry where my mind's been at,
Just think I used to worry 'bout things like that. (Delbert McClinton - I Used to Worry from Never Been Rocked Enough)
Don't you ever worry about growing old by yourself?
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
Don't you ever worry about growing old by yourself?
Originally Posted by g-stringranny
I worry about that and I am happily married. I never had kids so that is where my worry comes from. I don't know if I would want to date if I were suddenly single again though, but since I don't have kids I'm afraid I would be very lonely.
I have kids and they are already talking about who will get who when we can't take care of ourselves. That really makes me feel old. My youngest daughter gets frustrated with me when I forget her schedule. I told her I have my own schedule to keep up with. She was use to me when I was married and a SAHM & her priorities were mine. It's different now. I'm not suffering from dementia, yet, I'm just busy with my own life.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
One guy told me he had just met a woman who was 20, but he quickly let me know she would be turning 21 in 2 weeks.

There's no fool like an old fool.
After my divorce 10 yrs ago, I dont feel the need to be married ever again. I love being on my own time and I have great friends. Its too much of a hastle to start dating, although if I met someone, a relationship may be nice. And G-String Granny....I am going to eventually get a kitten to keep me company
cjc
3B very thick, curly hair and on the longer side
Palm Beach County, Fl
I am 47 and married (happily). I don't know how I would handle the dating scene if I were single. A friend of mine has been divorced for 10 years or longer. She is frustrated with dating -- lots of dogs out there.

I'm not sure I'd want to marry again, if I were to find myself suddenly single. Too complicated at my age!
shoulder-length 3a/b, depending on weather and products (or lack of products!)
I'm not dating but I was thinking..... I like alot of you don't want to waste time on meaningless activities (you know been there done that) however I think I miss out on lots of fun sometimes by not taking advantage of a non-commital lets go out to dinner, movies or skating type relationships. Sure I feel like the lower nature of most men cause them to ultimately want intimacy (or sex) but why not use my 47 years of wisdom and let my level of involvement be strictly on my terms. What do you think?


4A&B -- Henna and the entire Essential Balms product line; lately Carol's Daughter honey mimosa & black vanilla leave-in. Staple products are SheaMoisture, Aubrey Organics and Trader Joes Norish Spa conditioner, ACV and IC Fantasia Gel. I'm also Mixtress (I love making my own hair concoctions )

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