2nd marraige in your 40s

rudeechick · 01-18-2009, 07:08 PM

I am scared like hell to do this.
History: First husband and I dated from 20 to 25. married from 25 to 42. I truly loved him, but he never grew up and I grew increasingly miserable.
Current SO: dating for 4 years last week. He wants desperately to get married. We both have boys under 13, raising them very differently. he would have to move one state over to live with me. Money is tight to begin with. But the truth is, I have lost my faith in happily ever after and dont want to go thru another divorce. I have also become very self-sufficient and thats a hard habit to break.
He is a die hard romantic; very good to me (especially in all the ways my ex never was) - a gentleman and a nurturer. But I cant get past the notion that all romantic relationships have a shelf life. Mind you, am not holding out for better or anything like that. In fact, would be hard pressed to find another guy with some of the qualities he has.

Any votes on taking a chance?

Suburbanbushbabe · 01-18-2009, 08:00 PM

Maybe it does have a shelf life. If so there are some things you can preserve. Take it; take the chance. Find your faith.

Just one thing -- what do you mean by you are raising your boys very differently??

caysee · 01-18-2009, 08:03 PM

I did it. I was married at 25 and divorced at 37. I met my SO when I was 39. We got married three years later and have been married for six and half years. I was self sufficient on my own and I was also hesitant like you are. My previous husband was a true jacka**, but I didn't realize it until I got away from him. I am happier now than I ever was during my last marriage. I have my days, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. You probably know what you want to do and may be looking for some reassurance. Good luck with your decision, it is one you can only make.

natural2a · 01-18-2009, 11:32 PM

Especially with kids in the picture, you have to set the example that getting married is a BIG deal, blending families is a BIG deal, and four weeks is not a long time to be able to base that kind of decision from (though it may seem like for-ever for a lusty young teenager

If you're worth having, you're worth waiting for.

Enjoy dating and let it be what it is supposed to be. Time to get to know each other, try each other out, and keep all the options open.

rouquinne · 01-19-2009, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by natural2a

...four weeks is not a long time to be able to base that kind of decision from...

not four weeks...

FOUR YEARS as of last week!

xcptnl · 01-19-2009, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by natural2a

Especially with kids in the picture, you have to set the example that getting married is a BIG deal, blending families is a BIG deal, and four weeks is not a long time to be able to base that kind of decision from (though it may seem like for-ever for a lusty young teenager

If you're worth having, you're worth waiting for.

Enjoy dating and let it be what it is supposed to be. Time to get to know each other, try each other out, and keep all the options open.

It's 4 years. I think the part that stuck me about the OP was the raising kids differently part. It's not easy to blend families especially if you have different on ideas on how to discipline, etc. That part caused a lot of stress with me and SO when my daughter still lived at home. We have been together 9 years and still have not married. That would be the part I would have to think long and hard over. It has been different living with my SO for the past 2 years - the independence and doing my own thing and he is very easygoing about that part but you still have to remember there is another person you have to tell where you are going and why, etc.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

wavycurly40+ · 01-19-2009, 10:14 AM

I think xcptnl raised some really, really good points. I think your reluctance is an important issue, too, even though I am generally all in favor of taking the risk, making the leap, having faith. There needs to be enough of you that wants to do that. And maybe there is; just because you are raising questions doesn't mean you don't want to do it.... listening to your own gut is probably the only way you will know.

Too bad there's not some middle ground that's possible -- maybe having your families live in the same town for awhile, but not married and in the same house?

You'll make the right decision. You've been through a lot and you've learned from it all, and you give excellent advice on the boards so your head is screwed on right (so to speak!). Good luck with whatever you decide, and trust your own decision.

rudeechick · 01-21-2009, 07:50 PM

All the feedback is good and valid. Some points:

He and his ex were of different faiths. His son is being raised in a faith different then that of my kids, which isnt as much a problem theolgically but practically....

I think living in the same town but diff houses would be ideal... and we are working towards that. But if he had his way we would just be married ASAP. And I AM hesitant... but more in theory then reality... more based on being jaded then anything having to do with him....

Geez, I dont know where I stand.... and yea, I am WAY to self sufficient.... it almost makes me sad. Just took my kids skiing for 3 days - handled everything from A to Z. Without issue.... there is something almost sad about not really needing anyone else... does anyone know what I mean....? Dont get me wrong - I LOVE that I can handle everything...but maybe that makes me less likely to settle down, since I dont "need" a man.....

My head hurts

KurlyKarenLee · 01-27-2009, 01:13 PM

How do you feel about him? It doesn't sound to me like you're in love.

rudeechick · 01-27-2009, 03:20 PM

I love him. But my history has taught me that love eventually dies.

2poodles · 01-28-2009, 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rudeechick

I love him. But my history has taught me that love eventually dies.

Wow

I'm sorry that you have that history. That hasn't been my experience at all, and I've been married 24 years (and counting!). And I don't think I'm an exception. Love does need to be tended and nurtured, but it certainly isn't doomed to die.

RedCatWaves · 01-30-2009, 04:07 PM

SOME love dies, not all. Only you can decide if you're up to marriage again. Doesn't sound like you are. I got re-married in my mid 30's, after TWO failed marriages. I'm so glad I took the chance, because we've been delightfully happy for the last 12 years. I had kids, he didn't. We've raised my two kids together, and had two more of our own.

01-31-2009, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rudeechick

I love him. But my history has taught me that love eventually dies.

Love is transitional thing. It does not die but slowly fades away if you aren't aware of the needs and wants of the other person and working together to met those needs.

CurlyinColorado · 01-31-2009, 01:36 PM

Love is also cyclical, you never love someone the same way all the time, there is an ebb and flow.

I know exactly what you mean, I'm extremely self reliant and can easily forget that I have an SO to consider. I would suggest you two move closer to each other and see how the relationship unfolds. There is a distance that may be "making the heart grow fonder" if you know what I mean.

rudeechick · 02-01-2009, 07:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyinColorado

Love is also cyclical, you never love someone the same way all the time, there is an ebb and flow.

I know exactly what you mean, I'm extremely self reliant and can easily forget that I have an SO to consider. I would suggest you two move closer to each other and see how the relationship unfolds. There is a distance that may be "making the heart grow fonder" if you know what I mean.

LOL. I do know what you mean. Fortunately (or not) the more time we spend togther the better we get along and the happier we are. I should clarify: I like the idea of spending the rest of my life with him. I just dont know about marraige...i guess its the afterburn of divorce. I think somewhere inside I feel like if I'm not married I can leave when things fall apart more easily then extricating myself from a a marraige.... I am one jaded chick....

wavycurly40+ · 02-01-2009, 09:41 AM

Well, of course there is nothing wrong with just staying together as long as it works, unmarried, in my opinion! (Some might disagree -- but as long as your SO is not one of them). Lot's of people seem to do this after one or more divorces -- settle down with somebody but not make it "official."

Would he feel rejected, or like you're not committing, if you just say you're not ready for that yet..... but that you are definitely with him now?

As for the love fading thing..... I know this is one of those cliche things, but I always think that's less of a risk if you genuinely like the guy. If you enjoy spending time together, enjoy talking together, genuinely like and respect each other -- that stuff tends to last.... at least in my experience.

ninja dog · 02-01-2009, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wavycurly40+

Well, of course there is nothing wrong with just staying together as long as it works, unmarried, in my opinion! (Some might disagree -- but as long as your SO is not one of them). Lot's of people seem to do this after one or more divorces -- settle down with somebody but not make it "official."

Would he feel rejected, or like you're not committing, if you just say you're not ready for that yet..... but that you are definitely with him now?

As for the love fading thing..... I know this is one of those cliche things, but I always think that's less of a risk if you genuinely like the guy. If you enjoy spending time together, enjoy talking together, genuinely like and respect each other -- that stuff tends to last.... at least in my experience.

I agree.

It does sound like an in-between arrangement might work best for you; either living together without marriage, or living nearer each other. If your SO is uncomfortable with those options, but willing to compromise (or YOU are), would you agree to setting a timeline, i.e., two years of living like above possibilities, then a marriage or nothing decision (if he truly insists on marriage)?

rudeechick · 02-01-2009, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninja dog

Quote:

Originally Posted by wavycurly40+

Well, of course there is nothing wrong with just staying together as long as it works, unmarried, in my opinion! (Some might disagree -- but as long as your SO is not one of them). Lot's of people seem to do this after one or more divorces -- settle down with somebody but not make it "official."

Would he feel rejected, or like you're not committing, if you just say you're not ready for that yet..... but that you are definitely with him now?

As for the love fading thing..... I know this is one of those cliche things, but I always think that's less of a risk if you genuinely like the guy. If you enjoy spending time together, enjoy talking together, genuinely like and respect each other -- that stuff tends to last.... at least in my experience.

I agree.

It does sound like an in-between arrangement might work best for you; either living together without marriage, or living nearer each other. If your SO is uncomfortable with those options, but willing to compromise (or YOU are), would you agree to setting a timeline, i.e., two years of living like above possibilities, then a marriage or nothing decision (if he truly insists on marriage)?

Lots to cover

Yes I am "with" him - and loyal. he wants to ber married - he loved being married - he is a mans man (and a die hard romantic) and wants it to be official.
As for love fading...It isnt so much that. I am grown up enough to get that romantic love/lust gives way to something mellower yet still desirable. Its the love turning to hate thing... Like how in love I was when I got married to the monster that my ex is now.....If 20+ years with someone (and 2 kids!!) isnt enough reason to be civil, cordial etc.... Ya know what I just realized.... Maybe its just that my ex is such a jerk..... After all, wouldnt I still be married to him if he werent......?

I just think I dread a love turned to something bad again....?

I dunno... Help me girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:0

ninja dog · 02-01-2009, 02:59 PM

I understand. It sounds like you were really badly burned by your ex. It sucks when things like that happen.

Have you ever considered talking with someone professional about these feelings? I ask not because I think you're unbalanced, but because it sounds like you're conflicted, and finding someone experienced in dealing with emotions with whom you could "talk it out" might be very helpful.

I can understand where you're coming from. I'm not sure I'd feel any differently if I were you.

rudeechick · 02-01-2009, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninja dog

I understand. It sounds like you were really badly burned by your ex. It sucks when things like that happen.

Have you ever considered talking with someone professional about these feelings? I ask not because I think you're unbalanced, but because it sounds like you're conflicted, and finding someone experienced in dealing with emotions with whom you could "talk it out" might be very helpful.

I can understand where you're coming from. I'm not sure I'd feel any differently if I were you.

I'm a big fan of counseling and have been in it at various times in my life. In fact, the counselor that TRIED to be my marraige counselor was the therapist thru the divorce. It was great cause she knew first hand how stunted he was, as opposed to just assuming my story was biased....

But thats not a bad idea re this issue.... I suppose that would be rather helpful - thanks.