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Old 11-29-2009, 02:00 PM   #21
 
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tinah I don't really have advice but my heart goes out to you. Maybe some time apart is what you both need, it's so difficult when there are children involved. Good luck.
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Old 01-11-2010, 09:58 AM   #22
 
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Tinah, how are things going? I was searching for help and found this thread and it really spoke to me.

I have been with my husband for 16 years and almost married for 14. The last couple of years I have been unhappy with our situation and lately I feel like we have hit a wall and that nothing will change. I have vocalized my issues with him and while he knows how I feel, he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. We have two kids and I am struggling with keeping our relationship together for their sake. I have been looking into counseling or some kind of therapy for us as well and am hoping that it helps.

Sorry to guano your thread. I hope things have improved for you and wish you the best.
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:30 AM   #23
 
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Tinah, how are things going? I was searching for help and found this thread and it really spoke to me.

I have been with my husband for 16 years and almost married for 14. The last couple of years I have been unhappy with our situation and lately I feel like we have hit a wall and that nothing will change. I have vocalized my issues with him and while he knows how I feel, he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. We have two kids and I am struggling with keeping our relationship together for their sake. I have been looking into counseling or some kind of therapy for us as well and am hoping that it helps.

Sorry to guano your thread. I hope things have improved for you and wish you the best.
Thanks for asking! Right now things are...ok. My husband moved out just over a week ago. I don't know how things are going to go. He comes over on Saturdays to visit with the kids and to stay with them because I have an obligation on Saturday nights. He stays here that night and leaves the next day. So far this seems to be working out ok but then it's only been a week. The first week was very hard on the kids (three and four years old). But they do seem to be adapting to it fairly well.

I don't know how things will play out in the long run as he doesn't seem to want to talk about the issues. I have decided to let it go and wait until he brings it up. He says he doesn't want to live on his own, he doesn't want to get divorced and doesn't want to be away from me and the kids - but doesn't want to talk about the issues either. That just doesn't work for me. We'll see how it goes I guess. But for right now things seem to be ok. The first week was very hard for me. I'm handling it much better now. The kids are adjusting. I think it helps a lot that my husband and I are not fighting. We are still friendly toward each other and genuinely enjoy each other's company. So I think that makes things easier on the kids as they aren't seeing mommy and daddy being mean or nasty to each other. So far that's the best I can tell you right now. I hope that helps you some - and I hope that you are able to find an answer that makes you happy. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:36 PM   #24
 
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Default mid life crisis?

I do think that we have mid life crisis. I just went thru one and fell off the bridge. lol I will be 45 in two months and have been natural since Dec. 08. I had all my perm cut out, my hair was on my shoulders. I came home, without warning my husband, with 3 inches long twists. He still don't like it and I still don't care but it was something that I wanted to do. I get MORE compliments on my hair (male and female)
In early March 08, I decided to braid it. That's the last time I had a touch up. Nevermind the fact that my twist touch my shoulders and that its healthier and thicker, he'd rather have a straight-haired wife. I look 'up kept', as he put it. Oh Well......after 20 years of marriage...I'm finally at a place in my life where I am happy with who I am. (not to mention I just published my 2nd book) To quote India.Arie "I am not my hair"
He's gradually coming around.
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Old 03-31-2010, 04:26 PM   #25
 
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it is the degree of the reaction. there is a saying, "hysterical is historical," meaning a person may be reacting to something going on in the here and now, but they are overreacting on top of that to some old stuff.
I'm well familiar with this phenomenon and I love this saying, it encapsulates it so perfectly.

ETA: Just noticed this thread got bumped by spam. Oopsers.

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Old 12-29-2010, 10:36 AM   #26
 
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Default Thought I'd update this...

It's been almost a year since I last posted about all this. You ladies were so sweet and so understanding about all this. I couldn't have asked for better advice. Thank you!

We separated at the beginning of this last year. By April I filed for divorce. By the middle of June we were divorced. BEST.DECISION.EVER!!!! You guys, I didn't realize just how unhappy I had been until he moved out of the house. I am soo much happier with myself and my life. My kids have adjusted very very well to the whole thing. My ex lives about a mile away from me. He takes the boys on the weekends every once in a while. My mind set is so much better now. Those of you who told me to focus on myself first - you were so right about it. Nothing gets better if you aren't happy with yourself. And I am. I understand now that his happiness is not my responsibility and my happiness isn't his. I am responsible for making me happy and depending on someone else for that is just...well, not good. I have a much better outlook on life. Thank you so much for all your advice! I'm in a much better place. Thank you again, so much, for all the advice from those of you who've "been there". I really do appreciate it all!
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:39 AM   #27
 
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I'm glad things are working out. You 'sound' happy!
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:46 AM   #28
 
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I'm glad it worked out for you, Tinah.

I'm one of the believers in women's mid-life crises; see my "I wonder if I should have had kids?" thread from a few weeks ago.

Good for you for going with your gut.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:52 AM   #29
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tinah, i'm glad that you are now in a good place. i know it is a tough decision, and it sounds like after a lot of thought, you came to the right one for you.
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Old 01-01-2011, 05:59 AM   #30
 
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I'm glad things worked out for you. Based on how you sounded at the beginning of this thread, you sound so much happier and seem to be in a much better place.
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Old 01-01-2011, 06:42 AM   #31
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I'm glad you are happier!
All the best to you!
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Old 01-02-2011, 06:41 AM   #32
 
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Good for you, tinah! Hope 2011 brings you continued happiness and peace.
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Old 01-02-2011, 10:21 AM   #33
 
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It's been almost a year since I last posted about all this. You ladies were so sweet and so understanding about all this. I couldn't have asked for better advice. Thank you!

We separated at the beginning of this last year. By April I filed for divorce. By the middle of June we were divorced. BEST.DECISION.EVER!!!! You guys, I didn't realize just how unhappy I had been until he moved out of the house. I am soo much happier with myself and my life. My kids have adjusted very very well to the whole thing. My ex lives about a mile away from me. He takes the boys on the weekends every once in a while. My mind set is so much better now. Those of you who told me to focus on myself first - you were so right about it. Nothing gets better if you aren't happy with yourself. And I am. I understand now that his happiness is not my responsibility and my happiness isn't his. I am responsible for making me happy and depending on someone else for that is just...well, not good. I have a much better outlook on life. Thank you so much for all your advice! I'm in a much better place. Thank you again, so much, for all the advice from those of you who've "been there". I really do appreciate it all!
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-03-2011, 10:17 PM   #34
 
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like others said it is common to have some disenchantment with one's spouse in midlife. i am not sure what the issues are in your case but it does not sound like there is any terrible abuse happening, just a frustration and lack of interest in the partner.as a marital therapist i see people at all ends of this spectrum. from your description it sounds like your husband is perfectly content with the marriage as is and you want something deeper and more connected. one thing that we learn in life is that no one person can meet all of your needs. this is why we have girlfriends and other male friends, dogs, activity etc. i love my husband but we can both annoy the crap out of each other at times. i'd say maximize your life, do the things you like whether he does them with you or not--make it as good as u can and then see if he is really holding you back--good luck
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:16 AM   #35
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like others said it is common to have some disenchantment with one's spouse in midlife. i am not sure what the issues are in your case but it does not sound like there is any terrible abuse happening, just a frustration and lack of interest in the partner.as a marital therapist i see people at all ends of this spectrum. from your description it sounds like your husband is perfectly content with the marriage as is and you want something deeper and more connected. one thing that we learn in life is that no one person can meet all of your needs. this is why we have girlfriends and other male friends, dogs, activity etc. i love my husband but we can both annoy the crap out of each other at times. i'd say maximize your life, do the things you like whether he does them with you or not--make it as good as u can and then see if he is really holding you back--good luck
banjocurl -- as a licensed clinical social worker who sees couples, families and individuals, i agree with what you said. divorce is a huge decision. HOWEVER, there are times when it is the best answer. it sounds as though tinah was describing a man who has depression. people don't get depression -- it is overwhelming to live with for the families. i am only talking about depressed people who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem and will not get help. it sucks the joy out of life for that person and the ENTIRE family. there is a black cloud hanging over the house. i first advise them, as you mentioned, to live their lives as full as possible, and to help the children do the same. however, they still all live at home with an irritable, angry, person who belittles, criticizes, and in effect, eats away at the children's souls and the spouse's soul. i have also worked with individuals who grew up with a depressed parent, it has a huge effect on children.
the bottom line is, only tinah and her exhusband really knew what the marriage was like, and they are the only ones who can make that decision to divorce or not. as therapists we can help them look at all sides, but in the end, it is their decision.
i, personally, have never worked with either a man or woman who did not take the decision to divorce very seriously; they generally process it through for several years, and are in a lot of emotional pain, literally agonize over this process. and during that time they are generally trying to see if they can make it work as a life without divorce. for most people, it is the final option after all others have been tried. tinah reports that they are already divorced. it seems that tinah did do her work before she made her decision.
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:33 AM   #36
 
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i apologize for any misunderstanding of my post--often divorce can be the best decision. i was just speaking generally to those who have some disenchantment in their marriages and are weighing the options. some feel they must be joined at hip with their spouses and allow themselves to be held back when it is not necessary. i wish tinah well on her new path...
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:36 PM   #37
 
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Sorry for coming to this thread late.

I ended a 17-year relationship when I was 38 (which I should have done a long time before) met someone on the other side of the ocean, immigrated there and married them when I was 39, then became a dual citizen. I am very glad that I made these choices.

I absolutely hate the term mid-life crisis (whether for women or for men).

When you are 35, 40, 50 etc. it is normal to see the world in a different way than when you were 20. You are a stronger, wiser person. It is normal to want your life to change and to want more for yourself. It is normal to feel stronger and not to feel that you have to put up with crap from other people that you would have put up with when you were younger because you were more dependent on other people. It is normal to have the courage to do things because they are right for you, not because someone else expects you to behave in a certain way.

I think that the people who use the term "mid-life crisis" or say that it is all about "hormones" are people who are stuck in the same rut that they have always been in and don't have the courage to change their lives. They see a strong man or woman who is middle aged and wants to change their life for the better and they feel threatened.

Last edited by Malory; 02-20-2011 at 12:42 PM.
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Old 02-22-2011, 12:00 PM   #38
 
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better late than never!

This is FABULOUS! Brava
Quote:
Originally Posted by Malory View Post
Sorry for coming to this thread late.

I ended a 17-year relationship when I was 38 (which I should have done a long time before) met someone on the other side of the ocean, immigrated there and married them when I was 39, then became a dual citizen. I am very glad that I made these choices.

I absolutely hate the term mid-life crisis (whether for women or for men).

When you are 35, 40, 50 etc. it is normal to see the world in a different way than when you were 20. You are a stronger, wiser person. It is normal to want your life to change and to want more for yourself. It is normal to feel stronger and not to feel that you have to put up with crap from other people that you would have put up with when you were younger because you were more dependent on other people. It is normal to have the courage to do things because they are right for you, not because someone else expects you to behave in a certain way.

I think that the people who use the term "mid-life crisis" or say that it is all about "hormones" are people who are stuck in the same rut that they have always been in and don't have the courage to change their lives. They see a strong man or woman who is middle aged and wants to change their life for the better and they feel threatened.
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Old 02-23-2011, 12:17 PM   #39
 
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better late than never!

This is FABULOUS! Brava
Aww, thank you.

Last edited by Malory; 02-23-2011 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 05-05-2011, 09:14 AM   #40
 
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Default Men 0 Pause

Mid Life means hormones. Men have men O Pause too. So why can't you have a mid life crisis?

I am of the same feelings, there are days I find I am wanting to move out of the area here, I don't thinks it's positive atmosphere for either one of us. But we are stuck here because he won't leave his Mom behind....so I can totally understand where you are wanting to maybe live some more, be fore you can't?
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