Tired of my 9 yr old crying..I'm hopeless

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Hello! Thank God I found this website because I am ready to just shave my daughters head (not really..just kidding). My 9 yr old daughter comes home from school everyday in tears because the kids make fun of her hair...say it's puffy..and thats not even with her hair down. Now she will only wear her hair in a braided ponytail. She has such beautiful hair, there is just so much. The hair itself is fine but so dense. I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on products that don't help. Every salon she has ever been to they have said "I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH HAIR!" No lie. I recently took her to get a Diva cut and the cut looks great but there is still nothing that controls it. I've tried almost every salon product. I've tried KKKT ,KKKC, all the Deva products. I'm stuck. Her hair need sooo much moisture. I do oil treatments..use deep conditioner. I NEED HELP!!! Please, any advise at all would be helpful!!! Thank you so much!
If that's her hair in your avatar, she and her hair are gorgeous! if your only issue is how big her hair is, then i think you both could benefit from a makeover of the way you think. curly hair (particularly tightly curled hair) is big and puffy and that does not mean that it is bad. coincidentally i have a hair inspiration pic i tore out of a magazine years ago sitting next to my computer and she has amazing full hair like your daughter.

in the meantime, as you both try to transform how you think of curly hair, you could try twist outs or braid outs. that may reduce the volume her hair has a bit.

Last edited by subbrock; 10-25-2011 at 07:50 AM.
Check out tightlycurly.com. There is a lot of basic curly hair care info there which may help you out with your daughter.

Just remember to always be gentle when combing. Start combing at the bottom (tips) and work your way carefully to the roots. Sometimes it's not just products but your technique... how are you using these products? What's your normal hair care routine with your daughter?
"The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everybody else."
"...rationality is not necessary to sell things.."
My staples: Mane n Tail (cowash), Garnier Fructis Sleek n Shine (leave in condish), Grapeseed oil or shea butter (sealing), Organic Root Stimulator Elasticitea (leave-in condish & light hold)
@subbrock. Umm..maybe I didn't get my point across. I Love my daughters hair!! My way of thinking is just fine. Thank you, I think she is beautiful as well! I tell her daily how much I love her hair and that people would die for fair like hers. But she is 9. She doesn't care what I or any other adult has to say, she gets made fun of a lot in school. I think its ridiculous and try telling her they are all jealous and to wait til she gets older, they will all wish they were her. She is very shy and sensitive and if there is anything i can do or a product that will help lay her hair down I'm going to do it until she gets out of this stage and her confidence grows. So maybe you didn't understand my question or just don't understand how hard it is for her.
Thank you BekkaPoo!!! Well she has to condition it everyday just about. So in the morning she conditions with DevaCare One Conditioner and a lot of the time I'll have her leave it in. She combs it out in the shower with a wide tooth comb. Then when she gets out she wraps it in a tshirt, then I'll run through some olive oil cream and depending on how dry her hair is feeling some Kinky Kurly Knot Today. Then it goes up in the ponytail braid. I hate that she won't wear it down. When she does on weekends, after the shower I'll section her hair (oh i always do it in sections) use the KKKT and DevaCurl Angel Gel. At least once a week I'll do a deep conditioning treatment and apply a little heat, leave it in for 30 and rinse. Sometimes I'll have her leave it in and rinse it in the morning.
Hrm... sounds like you're doing all the right things.. but then again, curly hair tends to be super dry and may need a lot more moisture. Maybe you can show her how to moisturize her own hair and send her to school with a trial size of conditioner so she can refresh during the day. Not sure if that's realistic, but you know your child better than I do.

And I feel her pain.. kids don't know that being unique/different is a blessing not a curse. But in time they will figure that out as well. Good luck with your daughter..let us know how it goes.
"The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everybody else."
"...rationality is not necessary to sell things.."
My staples: Mane n Tail (cowash), Garnier Fructis Sleek n Shine (leave in condish), Grapeseed oil or shea butter (sealing), Organic Root Stimulator Elasticitea (leave-in condish & light hold)
What about trying some of the Curly Q products, they are made for kids and really good!
Do you seal her hair though? Perhaps with an oil or butter?? Might help her hair stay moisturised for longer..
"2 Something ATM"
Coarse, Medium- Thick, Normal Porosity

My Routine
Low 'Poo: curash soothing oatmeal conditioning shampoo
RO: tresemme naturals moisturising conditioner
LI: tresemme naturals/kinky curly knot today
Seal: mix of shea butter/coconut oil

Goals
waist length hair & finding a sexual cheapo leave in conditioner for both me and my daughter

Last edited by tiama-x; 10-30-2011 at 12:59 AM.
@subbrock. Umm..maybe I didn't get my point across. I Love my daughters hair!! My way of thinking is just fine. Thank you, I think she is beautiful as well! I tell her daily how much I love her hair and that people would die for fair like hers. But she is 9. She doesn't care what I or any other adult has to say, she gets made fun of a lot in school. I think its ridiculous and try telling her they are all jealous and to wait til she gets older, they will all wish they were her. She is very shy and sensitive and if there is anything i can do or a product that will help lay her hair down I'm going to do it until she gets out of this stage and her confidence grows. So maybe you didn't understand my question or just don't understand how hard it is for her.
Originally Posted by CurlyMom421
I doubt her hair is really the issue. Kids are cruel. If you straightened her hair, they'd just find something else to tease her about now that they know it gets to her. If you think it's out of hand you should talk to her teacher.
Tell her it doesn't stop when you become a grownup. I've heard people criticize on of my coworker's hair for being too straight and flat. People are always going to talk. You can't control them, only how you react to it.
SmilingElephant likes this.
I'm sorry kids are so cruel, but she is gorgeous and so is her hair. No wonder they're jealous!
SmilingElephant likes this.
Do you keep her hair styled? braids, twists or etc? My daughter hair is big and poofy but I rarely leave it out, and only in a braidout, otherwise tangle/poof-city.
*Natural Childrens Hair Care Blog*
http://kandylandkurls.blogspot.com
-Hair Type 3C mixed with 4A-
@subbrock. Umm..maybe I didn't get my point across. I Love my daughters hair!! My way of thinking is just fine. Thank you, I think she is beautiful as well! I tell her daily how much I love her hair and that people would die for fair like hers. But she is 9. She doesn't care what I or any other adult has to say, she gets made fun of a lot in school. I think its ridiculous and try telling her they are all jealous and to wait til she gets older, they will all wish they were her. She is very shy and sensitive and if there is anything i can do or a product that will help lay her hair down I'm going to do it until she gets out of this stage and her confidence grows. So maybe you didn't understand my question or just don't understand how hard it is for her.
Originally Posted by CurlyMom421
You're right, I missed the part where dryness is an issue but other than that we can just chalk it up to different personalities and parenting styles. Growing up I was very shy and sensitive too. I felt like I was the odd on out with my peer group-- I was the only non white. I was the only one with big curly hair, I was flat chested, the list goes on...and a lot of times I wished my parents would "fix" or positively reinforce things about me that I didn't like. And they never did, and back then I didn't get it. They never talked bad about me but they didn't help me feed into my own lies by trying to help me fix things about me that weren't wrong.

Now I have my own daughter and one of her strengths is that there isn't a thing about herself that she doesn't love. There are things about her that are different (she has severe food allergies, asthma, has curly hair, etc etc) and she and I both think it's no big deal. And the people around her don't make it a big deal because they know it doesn't bother her. I'm a non conformist, so was her dad, so is she. So you're right, I can't relate. IMHO trying to find a product to make her hair less puffy isn't solving the real problem. The real problem (once again, IMO) is getting her to accept and love her volume and allowing her to feel comfortable standing up to people who make fun of her. People are always going to have something to say, so why try to change for them?

But anywho good luck on your product search. I hope both of you find more satisfaction with her hair.

Blame it on the cell phone...
CurlyMom421
I am sorry to hear your daughter is being teased so much, it is a shame children don't understand how cruel they can be. My younger sister was graced with beautiful hair like your daughters and she was teased as well all through school. She dealt with it by getting it braided, straightened, or covering it up, sadly none of these options allowed her to wear her hair naturally and I do not know if that is something you want to do with her hair.

As my sister got older, she learned to love her hair and wears it exactly as your daughter does now. She loves her poofyness but she had to get there on her own. My mother helped her by allowing her to style her hair how she wanted during school. If she wanted it braided or in twists, my mom found a salon that would do that for her. When she wanted to wear it relaxed, she found one that would do that too. Unfortunately your daughter feels uncomfortable in her own skin because of teasing, so maybe a natural look isnt right for her right now. What matters most is finding a style that is acceptable for both of you and helping her boost her confidence herself.

My sister was the same at a younger age, very very shy as a kid, and did not care when we told her that her hair was beautiful (i've always secretly wished I had her hair lol). Now as an adult, she is very outgoing and adventurous, she teaches in Korea now, a decision she made on her own despite having no family there. And she loves loves loves her hair, even though she is constantly approached by Korean women asking if they can touch it lol.

Perhaps asking your daughter to look through a magazine or of pictures of hair styles she can find one she will be happy with (IF that is an option for you). It could also help boost her confidence knowing she picked that herself. If you just want a way to tone down her natural hair, that is probably something someone else will have to advise on, I really do not know. Nothing we tried tone down my sisters hair worked either. I just wanted to share my own experiences that I had with my sister. I really do think her being given a choice and some control helped her with her confidence issues with her own hair.
If her hair is still dry and needs more moisture, try the Curl Junkie line...Those products carry some serious moisture and Marsha (owner) is awesome. You can email her and ask for suggestions!
SmilingElephant likes this.
2b/3a, normal/high porosity, fine/medium texture, medium density, low elasticity

Low Poo- Tigi Colour Goddess, Giovanni 50:50, Giovanni TTT (clarify 1X/week)
Condish- CJ Curl Rehab, Giovanni 50:50, Giovanni TTT
Leave In- Slip Detangler, KCKT, Redken Curl Refiner
Style- KCCC, SS CEJ, SS FHG
Treatment- CJ Repair Me! and CJ CR

Dislikes: Too much protein, high glycerin content, and heavy oils
If that's your daughter in your avatar, her hair is pretty much my dream hair (aka "the hair my brother got and I'm still bitter about it") but I understand that kids can be mean, it's not even about her hair - they've just found something she's sensitive about and they're not going to stop poking.

For now, if she wants to wear it braided for school, I would let her. You have a lifetime to work on self esteem (and I do think she will come to appreciate her hair if you and other people keep telling her how beautiful it really, really is). I think we sometimes expect too much of young kids - it's a LOT to expect her to stand up under teasing every day when she's so little. If I could eliminate the target of the teasing, I would - for now. Eventually they'll a. forget about it and b. move on to someone else. She can start wearing it out again when she's ready.

Also, I think Redken Anti Snap and All Soft are excellent for dry hair.
OP I just wanted to add that I think your daughter is beautiful too! Also please make sure you keep a close watch on this teasing. It's just not the same as it was 30-40 years ago. Bullies today are relentless. These kids have so many mechanisms now too, to affect other kids (ie. Cyberbulling.) I just wanted to mention it....

On my EVO
SmilingElephant likes this.
My 9 y/o daughter has hair almost exactly like your daughter's. She hates it, too. She doesn't get teased at all, though. She gets compliments on her hair constantly, but I think she does not like the attention her "big poofy hair" brings her. I'm hoping to someday get her to wear her hair down again, but it's been years since she has. I am here today to look for help with products, too.

I wish you luck and I wish I had some advice. For now, I'm in the same boat (minus the teasing - and I'm disgusted that it is happening to your child).
Although her hair is beautiful, I can see how it just isn't the look for her right now. I wouldn't have my child go to school with hair she hated. If it was me, I would try one of these options:
1) Cut her hair in between, to make it less big. My brother has the same hair as your daughter( but he wore it a bit shorter). His hair was cut in between so it had the curls he wanted ( beautiful 3c curls) but it was not big. The moisturizing you are doing today will stay the same.

2) Do a texturizer, if you allow it. If she doesn't like it, then this could be a problem but it will cut down some of the bulk. She will still have curls, though, they will just be more streached out.

3) You can try different protective styles but you are doing this already, so I don't see how it would be much different. I see a lot of girls with braids ( many of them, instead of one). I personally would love this style for that age but it is up to her.

My son is 9 and has hair like that too. He wears it short but I like to let it grow a bit to show the curls off a bit. I am glad he like it. I always tell him how cute his hair is. When he gets his hair cut, he always wants a number 3 blade, which I am glad he does. I hope he never tells me he wants a close shave and if he does, that he does it because that is what he wants and not bc he hates his hair. I struggle to keep it moisturized.

Please don't let her hate her hair, tell her that you will work with her to try different things. It would be great if you could talk to the school about the teasing but I think it is too late for that.

I have a question for you, what is olive oil cream? Sounds like something my son needs in his hair. I use straight olive oil on his hair.
Honestly her hair is like mine but mine is all damaged and scraggly now lol. BUT when I was in school I would put a ton of conditioner in my hair and scrunch just enough to keep it form dripping everywhere. This may or not be a good idea to you, but it would dry throughout the day and it wasn't until the very end of school that it would be huge again. Then it was all dry I would put it in a cute high pony like a pineapple. Hope this helps. I like pantene conditioner for curly hair as a leave in btw.
TYPE: 3C
Current State: Growing out keratin treatment.
High Density, Medium Porosity
Length: MBL stretched
Doing what I want when I want! Getting tempted to bkt the nape save me lol
Another option is setting her hair in flexi rods or curl formers. Look on youtube for tutorials
TYPE: 3C
Current State: Growing out keratin treatment.
High Density, Medium Porosity
Length: MBL stretched
Doing what I want when I want! Getting tempted to bkt the nape save me lol

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