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Old 01-07-2010, 09:33 AM   #21
 
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Default Please Don't Relax!

I posted this on the 3C board. After 6 years, I gave my bi-racial daughter her first hair cut. I took off about 6 inches and she still has past the shoulder length hair, but the hair that was cut and what is now her hair are two different and distinct textures.

I will be doing a Fotki this weekend! YEAH!! So, you will see my 6 year old daugher's transitions. I am loc'd, so this has been quite the experience working with her hair. I have loved every minute of it challenges, setbacks and maintenance. As I mentioned in another thread, her hair has "changed" from this beautiful, big full, coily Afro 3C to more of a 3B-3C after her first hair cut which I did. What I have found is that truly, less is more. Here is where we are now:


1) Coconut oil as a pre-treatment to shampooing is fahbulous!! I now do a 20 minute Coconut oil pre-treatment where the Coconut oil is heated up, I apply by section and then a plastic cap.

2) Shampoo the scalp and not the hair. That is so true. That was a great tip from Terri on tighlycurly.com

3) Condition the hair in sections from root to ends and rinse out. I don't believe in leaving conditioner in the hair that is supposed to be rinsed out. ( I am partial to Jane Carter Solution conditioner).

4) Use a light spray in condtioner that is made to be used as a leave in. (Jane Carter leave in). Do this by section.

5) Jojaba oil is the Holy Grail for my daughter's hair. I have never used heat on her hair to dry. I may have used a diffuser once or twice now that I remember. But heat to dry her hair is a NO NO! No ifs ands or buts!
After I have sprayed her leave in (Jane Carter) I section her hair into 6 to 8 sections, detangle and apply a generous amount of Jojaba oil to that section and BRAID. No twists, but braid. I do this for her entire head. Her braids hold "okay"..when there was more "texture" to her hair, they held very well, they now slide a bit, but that is okay.

6) She plays for the rest of the day and I take them out the next day. I don't have to put anything else on her hair for the next week except Jojaba oil. I put a small amount through my hands, rub those together and run through her hair in sections. No raking product, no gels, no hair milk..no nothing. Just the Jojaba oil every few days.

I sometimes braid it at night depending on how cold and dry the next day is predicted to be. Then I just take her braids out and she is good to go as I cut her hair into a graduated bob.


I live New England and it is dry, cold and being in and out of heat and cold is very drying to your skin and hair. Her hair retains moisture well, but the Jojaba oil seems to be the Holy Grail with keeping her on point. Conditioners, heavy pomades, hair milks, all unnecessary for her hair. In fact, it made her hair tangle and knot. I can now stop the PJ madness and save some money! *lol*
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Old 01-07-2010, 08:22 PM   #22
 
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In my personal opinion putting chemicals in the hair of any child under 10 is a form of child abuse. My mom put a curl in my hair in first grade, then continued for years. I remember throwing up many times the smell of chemicals made me so nauseated. Didn't matter. Next came the years of relaxers and scabs on my scalp.
Do you want your child to have a chemically burned scalp? Do you want to put her through that every few months?
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Old 01-09-2010, 02:07 AM   #23
 
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Her hair is beautiful! Please don't put chemicals in it. Learn on this site and others like it how to manage it.
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:09 PM   #24
 
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Your daughter and her hair are beautiful. I have the same issue with my twins and their dry hair but I continue to try different products. Do you leave her hair loose at bedtime? If so, try braiding it instead then letting her wear a braid-out the next day. I use the Curly Q line on my daughter's hair as well and the Quenched Curls Moisturizer coupled with Hairveda Whipped Gelly (or another suitable styling product) works wonders on her hair. I also rotate Curly Q Milkshake or Hairveda Whipped Cream in for moisture. Dry hair is a huge issue in this household so daily moisture is a must Kinky Curly Knot Today is a great conditioner and leave-in as well.
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Old 02-27-2010, 08:38 AM   #25
 
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Please don't relax her hair! She has a fairly loose curl pattern and it will be very easy to manage if you do some more research and use the right products. Try Mixed Chicks products! They even have videos on their website to show you exactly how to use their products. My daughter's hair has been so easy to manage after I learned that it has different needs from mine. Her hair probably only needs to be washed once and week, and using a satin pillow case helps a lot. Is her hair long enough for you to put into one or two english braids? That is a good way to keep it detangled and in good condition. I wish you the best! If you feel that you hate your daughters hair, remember, her hair is a large part of her, and for her to love herself, you need to also.
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Old 03-22-2010, 03:13 PM   #26
 
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Have there been any updates? OP thank you for being brave enough to admit that you need help and that you want to help your little girl look her best. I agree with what some of the other posters have said but not with the tone in which it was said. some posters are coming off harsh and judgemental IMHO. Generally naturallycurly and the online natural hair care world are very understanding and welcoming. Inaddition to the sites that were given, i would try happygirlhair, newlynatural.com, curlynikki.com and youtube. You'd be surprised at what you can learn on youtube. I wish you and your daughter well and that you both learn a lot in this process.
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Old 03-25-2010, 12:39 PM   #27
 
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I agree with the previous posters, tightlycurly is an excellent resource. Here is the link you want:

http://www.tightlycurly.com/techniqu...forlittleones/

Full color photos, step-by-step on how to painlessly detangle, de-frizz, and maintain a child's curls.

The key 'take-home message' is, use conditioner, and use lots of it. Leave it in, don't rinse it out. As tightlycurly says, "Ignore what the bottle says. That's for wimpy hair. Your hair is not wimpy!"
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:13 AM   #28
 
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Some of you gave very helpful advice, but some of the comments were way out of line to the point where I am almost ashamed that I joined this board.

Telling her to think twice about who she was with? Maybe she loved the guy. Why is she the only one being condemmed? Why isn't he or his family around to give any assistance?

You probably haven't heard any updates because of the way that you guys talked to this lady.

A lot of parents have difficulty with their kids hair, and if a parent has always been low maintenance, that is a big step to have to do a lot of work for a kid's hair.

And so what if she doesn't like the look of braids? I don't think they always look cute either.

A lot of mothers treat their kid's hair as an annoyance, and that's unfortunate. I used to babysit a black girl with very thick hair and one day she had gotten her hair wet and it was tangled. I saw her mom pop the mess out of her with the comb because of it.

I also don't agree with the relaxer, because I wish my hair hadn't been relaxed. But my mom minimized the impact of a relaxer--I was complaining that I was sick of it getting pressed once a week and that was that.

A lot of little girls feel pretty when their hair is straightened, just teach them to like it both ways.
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:16 AM   #29
 
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I also want to add, let's teach her how to simplify the routine as much as possible.


I am mixed, and one thing that I hate is that little black and little mixed girls are always taught that their hair has to be some long drawn out ordeal, give me a break!
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Old 04-15-2010, 04:52 PM   #30
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lesliegonnacurl View Post
A lot of little girls feel pretty when their hair is straightened, just teach them to like it both ways.
And why do little girls feel pretty with straight hair? hmmm?


She will not have to taught to like her hair straight. The image that straight hair is better than highly textured hair is all around. She needs to love the hair that she has.


THIS is a quote from the mother. This is why people came down on her

Quote:
When I look at her hair right now, it's a mess. It stays tangled, ratted and it's always BIG by mid-day. She hates her hair and honestly so do I.
"we" usually have big hair. I think the point someone was trying to make is if you don't want to run the risk of having a child with "big" hair don't have a baby with one of "us". She child hates her hiar because she can sense her mother hates it.
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Old 04-15-2010, 08:47 PM   #31
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenell View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by lesliegonnacurl View Post
A lot of little girls feel pretty when their hair is straightened, just teach them to like it both ways.
And why do little girls feel pretty with straight hair? hmmm?


She will not have to taught to like her hair straight. The image that straight hair is better than highly textured hair is all around. She needs to love the hair that she has.


THIS is a quote from the mother. This is why people came down on her

Quote:
When I look at her hair right now, it's a mess. It stays tangled, ratted and it's always BIG by mid-day. She hates her hair and honestly so do I.
"we" usually have big hair. I think the point someone was trying to make is if you don't want to run the risk of having a child with "big" hair don't have a baby with one of "us". She child hates her hiar because she can sense her mother hates it.
About the straight hair comment, oh please, come off your high horse. You act as if little girls with straight hair never have anyone curl it because they think it looks pretty curly. There is nothing wrong with people trying out a new look. I will have to look again, but it appeared that your hair has some color in it. THAT IS ALSO A NEW LOOK.

People like to experiment. My neice thinks she looks cute if my sister straightens her hair. I prefer her curly hair. If there are no chemicals to make things permanent, I don't see any harm in people switching up their look. How many women get their hair blown out for a special occasion? How many women get their hair curled or use a waving iron for a night out?
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:21 PM   #32
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lesliegonnacurl View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenell View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by lesliegonnacurl View Post
A lot of little girls feel pretty when their hair is straightened, just teach them to like it both ways.
And why do little girls feel pretty with straight hair? hmmm?


She will not have to taught to like her hair straight. The image that straight hair is better than highly textured hair is all around. She needs to love the hair that she has.


THIS is a quote from the mother. This is why people came down on her

Quote:
When I look at her hair right now, it's a mess. It stays tangled, ratted and it's always BIG by mid-day. She hates her hair and honestly so do I.
"we" usually have big hair. I think the point someone was trying to make is if you don't want to run the risk of having a child with "big" hair don't have a baby with one of "us". She child hates her hiar because she can sense her mother hates it.
About the straight hair comment, oh please, come off your high horse. You act as if little girls with straight hair never have anyone curl it because they think it looks pretty curly. There is nothing wrong with people trying out a new look. I will have to look again, but it appeared that your hair has some color in it. THAT IS ALSO A NEW LOOK.

People like to experiment. My neice thinks she looks cute if my sister straightens her hair. I prefer her curly hair. If there are no chemicals to make things permanent, I don't see any harm in people switching up their look. How many women get their hair blown out for a special occasion? How many women get their hair curled or use a waving iron for a night out?
To the bold. Nope that's my natural color. And even if were not, I'm a woman 4 years shy of 40. I'm grown.

We are not talking about a little girl who get's her hair "done" every once and a while. Although, if I ever had a daughter she wouldn't so much as get her hair flat ironed until she was a teen.

You have missed the point. You are either quite young, being willfully ignorant to the history and subsequent self hatred of afro-textured hair, or you just don't get it.
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Old 04-16-2010, 07:23 AM   #33
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenell View Post
THIS is a quote from the mother. This is why people came down on her

Quote:
When I look at her hair right now, it's a mess. It stays tangled, ratted and it's always BIG by mid-day. She hates her hair and honestly so do I.
"we" usually have big hair. I think the point someone was trying to make is if you don't want to run the risk of having a child with "big" hair don't have a baby with one of "us". She child hates her hiar because she can sense her mother hates it.

Speak that!
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:02 AM   #34
 
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Don't know if the OP will ever return, just lurk here or whatever but...




I wholeheartedly vote for NO RELAXER.





I think your daughters' hair looks completely MANAGABLE the way it is now. Really, it does.



With the proper products, techniques, and MINDSET, perhaps you and your daughter can one day view her hair that way too.


First, stop hating her hair. Please. Just do that, okay? No judgement against you. BUT... No matter how much you say you love your daughter, and I believe you do, and no matter how much we all say hair is just hair, hair is tied into self esteem because it's one of the most accesible things to see of ourselves on the daily. So, you and your daughter have to learn to love what she has, big hair and all.

Second, realize that ANY hair type can take some degree of time to take maintain. I have a daughter with basically str8 hair (she has some waves) that is Asian-like in silkiness and it still takes much time to do her hair because it tangles on itself at the ends. But, it's easier to do her brother's hair and he has corkscrew curls that matt and frizz. Go figure.

Third, check out the resources some of the other posters linked to, especially BeadsBraidsBeyond.blogspot.com (a huge wealth of hair care info and hair style ideas there!) and Tightlycurly.com. I used Tightlycurly.com site when I first noticed that my daughters' hair was not growing longer. While I never put any chemicals of any sort in their hair, I didn't understand proper hair moisturizing and their hair was basically way too dry and didn't go much past shoulder length for years. The #1 thing that got my daughters to all have hair that now comes past their bottoms was learning to moisturize properly. All I have to do now after washing their hair is put Virgin Coconut Oil on their damp or wet hair and braid it or put it in a ponytail and their hair stays moisturized for several days. That's it. Took 2 years to get to that level but it was worth it 100%.

Fourth, relaxed hair, while it certainly will be easier to comb when dry and easier to kept less tangled when worn down, relaxed hair has its own set of proper maintanence techniques that you'll have to either learn yourself or pay someone to do. It's not all a walk in the park. The chemicals used it relaxers could eat away your daughter's hair and burn her scalp. Relaxers can and have caused permenant hair loss, not only for people who didn't do a relaxer right, but for people who for years had thick relaxed hair that was done correctly. Some people get hair that seems to thrive with relaxers and others get alopecia hair loss. Huge gamble, like with most things.

Take the time to learn all you can about relaxers, and don't let the Kiddie Relaxer label fol you. Kiddie Relaxers and Texturizers have the same chemicals as regular relaxers but in different quantities. Still, it all equals the same stuff that is powerful enough to dissolve soda cans and burn skin, not to mention that constant inhalation of the chemicals can cause adverse reactions in certain people.




Time, patience, and proper understanding of what your daughter's hair really needs is all it takes to get your daughter on the right path to being able to enjoy her hair.





Now, if you do decide to relax her hair...for the love of all that is right in the world please, please, please find someone who can do proper relaxers & relaxer maintanence, and who has extensive experience with relaxing and taking care of children's relaxed hair. If you can, take a look at other her/his other child clients' hair. If any of them have missing edges, bald spots, wafer thin hair, traction alopecia, or super dry hair...RUN, RUN, RUN! Also, check to see if MANY of that person's child clients have hair that comes past their shoulders. If all the stylisty can do is maintain short hair, RUN, RUN, RUN. That stylist is likely extremely scissor happy and will give your daughter hair cuts instead of trims, or that stylist is one who can't contribute to hair health well enough to help your daughter retain hair length.
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Old 07-12-2010, 03:00 PM   #35
 
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Omg I love your daughter's hair! I could only hope that my daughter will hair as "big", if not "bigger" than your baby's hair. It is beautiful!
You just need to learn how to care for it. If you don't love the hair, it won't love you back.
Get rid of the Pink! It's not doing any good to her hair. Read the book "Curly Like Me" by Teri Laflesh. This book talks about a biracial woman who has a history of permed and relaxed hair and is now all natural with GORGEOUS hair, she found a way to deal with her hair, and it's just so beautiful and healthy.
Just don't do it, okay. Once it's damaged, it's damaged, you can't restore it, except if you do the Big Cut.
And please, tell her hair is beautiful. Don't hate her hair, don't tell her you don't like her hair. Help her build a good positive self esteem. All hair is beautiful, no matter what shape it comes in.

I also invite you to join my group on Cafemom. Look it up under "biracial haircare". You can share your thoughts and problems about her hair there with other moms going through the same, and get some constructing advice.
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Old 07-12-2010, 03:04 PM   #36
 
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I also wanted to let you know, and this I read in the book "Curly Like Me". Biracial hair usually is very fragile and thin, much more than "black" or straight hair , even though it may appear very thick. Any kind of chemical will ruin the hair and it will start breaking and stop growing. The hair will become stiff and will stand in several directions.
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Old 07-12-2010, 03:06 PM   #37
 
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I also wanted to let you know, and this I read in the book "Curly Like Me". Biracial hair usually is very fragile and thin, much more than "black" or straight hair , even though it may appear very thick. Any kind of chemical will ruin the hair and it will start breaking and stop growing. The hair will become stiff and will stand in several directions.

I haven't read the book, but I thought 4a/4b (although mixed people can have this hair type, but for the sake of my point people always assume mixed people only have 3b/3c hair) was the most fragile type of hair. Because curly hair is fragile, so it would make sense why its the most fragile, since its the curliest.
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Old 07-12-2010, 03:21 PM   #38
 
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I just want to say being mixed, my mama never let me get one until I was 14 and being a stupid conforming teenager. Let me just say I know other mixed children who's parents have put relaxers in their hair...it doesn't make it easier.

1. It will cost more, getting her hair done all the time...she's a little kid, she going to want to run around and play and come in the house smelling like a puppy and swim etc.

2. Its very damaging, my cousin is 12 and her mom got her a relaxer a while ago, and you can already see her hair is damaged, I mean from the scalp there are bald spots ...

3. Don't hate your daughters hair, she was born with it, you can hate her boyfriend in the future but something that God gave her naturally, you hating it, is going to make her hate it more. Don't ruin her self esteem.


Doing her hair doesn't have to be complicated at all, it takes me 10 minutes to do mine...wait I lied. It takes me 3 minutes to do mine once I get out of the shower, I'm just saying. Believe me if it took any longer I'd get a relaxer because I have no patience AT ALL.
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Old 07-21-2010, 08:46 PM   #39
 
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I agree with the majority of these posts.

First, not all mixed people have 3b/3c hair. That little girl's hair looks about 3c/4a. Her hair always looked 'tamed' to me. I think her white mother wanted her to have WHITE hair. Uh, she is half black...not going to happen.

I just looked on the facebook page and the profile pic with the girl looks like they put a texturizer in it.

Sad!

I also can't believe her BLACK father isn't stepping in and helping. Come on, now!
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:52 PM   #40
 
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Please don't relax her hair. My mother relaxed my hair starting from age 4 and to this day, I struggle with shame and self esteem issues about my hair. I grew up believing that my hair was an "unacceptable" kinky mess (kinky was my mother's word for my hair) only to find out that under my relaxer were beautiful curls. My daughter is curly and I am really trying to have her love her hair and to accept herself for who she is. Relaxing her hair at a young age - no matter how convenient it seems for you - will make your daughter lose self-confidence and will create a lifetime of hurt feelings.

Also, in addition to the psychological aspects, I had to endure hours of relaxing and years of chemical burns on my scalp. Relaxing is no picnic and should only be done if she wants it. Honestly, if my daughter asked me to relax her hair I wouldn't let her do it - at least not at a young age - because it's not something that you can just undo. I grew out a relaxer for the first time at 20 years old and it took me about 2 years to do it. I also had to learn how to handle my hair from scratch. The biggest favor you can do for your daughter is to learn how to do her hair and to teach her how to manage it so that when she gets older, she'll feel pretty as she is.

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