Sticky family situation - Page 2

Jess the Mess · 06-22-2010, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

It's already gotten hard with the different families / different rules thing. At the dinner table for example, they're very strict that nephew has to eat what everyone else is eating, has to have a certain number of bites before he can eat dessert, etc. We're VERY lax about mealtimes; Sol pretty much eats what he wants whenever he's hungry (from a selection of mostly healthy options) so if he doesn't eat much at dinner we don't really care. I realize they probably think our approach is all wrong. Anyway, it's tough when they want their son to eat the grownup food and we're letting Sol have cheese and crackers or whatever.

You probably know that I have 2 kids. I also have 3 neices. The older 2 are my kids ages and then there is the youngest who just turned 5. A few years ago we were having problems with all the kids because the youngest always ate less, got up from the table, etc. We (all 4 of us parents) enacted the "no one leaves until everyone is done" rule and it worked wonders. Kids are NEVER forced to eat everything on their plate but they encourage eachother to finish up and makes them feel like they are doing it as a team. It really helped my youngest neice sit and focus and helped the older kids to not play the "I'm full" card just to get up from the table.

We sit them at their own table and take turns being in charge. If it's Auntie's turn to be in charge of them getting up my kids know they have to listen to her and not to even bother asking me...although they like when Auntie is in charge as I'm more strict than she is. The 4 of us parents really all co-parent when we are together and it works for us.

I know you wouldn't parent that way but doing some things to make your nephew less stressed in those situations could help him. You could set him and Sol up at their own table and encourage them both to sit and eat...even if they are eating dif things.

Instead of focusing on what your sister and BIL are doing wrong (you probably wont change it) focus on what you can do to help your nephew while you're around.

PixieCurl · 06-23-2010, 06:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jess the Mess

Instead of focusing on what your sister and BIL are doing wrong (you probably wont change it) focus on what you can do to help your nephew while you're around.

This makes sense. When we do have to step in and handle things, we try to do so in the way that we feel would be most beneficial for him. Also, he gets lots of positive attention from my husband (playing and wrestling like he does with Sol) which I think is good, because it seems like my BIL rarely does anything fun with him and he really needs a positive male influence. The few times my husband's had to be stern with him, he's really listened too.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-23-2010, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jess the Mess

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

It's already gotten hard with the different families / different rules thing. At the dinner table for example, they're very strict that nephew has to eat what everyone else is eating, has to have a certain number of bites before he can eat dessert, etc. We're VERY lax about mealtimes; Sol pretty much eats what he wants whenever he's hungry (from a selection of mostly healthy options) so if he doesn't eat much at dinner we don't really care. I realize they probably think our approach is all wrong. Anyway, it's tough when they want their son to eat the grownup food and we're letting Sol have cheese and crackers or whatever.

You probably know that I have 2 kids. I also have 3 neices. The older 2 are my kids ages and then there is the youngest who just turned 5. A few years ago we were having problems with all the kids because the youngest always ate less, got up from the table, etc. We (all 4 of us parents) enacted the "no one leaves until everyone is done" rule and it worked wonders. Kids are NEVER forced to eat everything on their plate but they encourage eachother to finish up and makes them feel like they are doing it as a team. It really helped my youngest neice sit and focus and helped the older kids to not play the "I'm full" card just to get up from the table.

We sit them at their own table and take turns being in charge. If it's Auntie's turn to be in charge of them getting up my kids know they have to listen to her and not to even bother asking me...although they like when Auntie is in charge as I'm more strict than she is. The 4 of us parents really all co-parent when we are together and it works for us.

I know you wouldn't parent that way but doing some things to make your nephew less stressed in those situations could help him. You could set him and Sol up at their own table and encourage them both to sit and eat...even if they are eating dif things.

Instead of focusing on what your sister and BIL are doing wrong (you probably wont change it) focus on what you can do to help your nephew while you're around.

Great advice/ideas.

mad scientist · 06-23-2010, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jess the Mess

We sit them at their own table and take turns being in charge. If it's Auntie's turn to be in charge of them getting up my kids know they have to listen to her and not to even bother asking me...although they like when Auntie is in charge as I'm more strict than she is. The 4 of us parents really all co-parent when we are together and it works for us.

I know you wouldn't parent that way but doing some things to make your nephew less stressed in those situations could help him. You could set him and Sol up at their own table and encourage them both to sit and eat...even if they are eating dif things.

We do this as well - with friends and with family. Who ever's house it is sets the "house rules" for all the kids. They may not be my house rules (in some circumstances I'm more lax and in others I'm more strict but it all evens out). Its good for kids to learn that in different environments, there are different expectations of them.

Pixie - I think a weekly dinner with family is overall a good thing and worth continuing. Just expect to be in there and well involved in the kids play so as to keep the older one from getting too rough with the littler ones. Most kids (and kids parents) respond better when you correct their child while right in the midst of play - as opposed to correcting the kid from across the room when you see him misbehave.

WileE-Dead · 06-23-2010, 04:35 PM

Quote:

And iroc, about the daycare/preschool thing... I really don't have a problem with her calling it school. I guess for me, it's whatever the establishment calls itself. When he used to go to an actual day care center and she called it school, I found it annoying. But now he's at an actual preschool. I even have friends who sent 2-year-olds to preschool (a few hours, a few days a week) and I had no problem with them calling it school either. I just would never think of preschool as mandatory like "regular" school (and even then you can homeschool) so to me it would be a no-brainer to keep him home in this situation, and definitely a no-brainer to skip camp for the summer.

PC...what exactly do you mean by this?
Preschool, no, is not mandatory....

PixieCurl · 06-24-2010, 05:53 AM

What I mean is, pulling a child out of preschool would not be a big deal to me at all, as much as pulling a child out of grade school to homeschool. Even though preschool is more "school" than daycare, I still don't see it as something kids really need.

And mad scientist, I think the "house rules" thing is fine. If my parents, at their house, wanted to set certain rules about dinnertime, we would either try to abide by them or just decline the invitation. I certainly wouldn't go against their wishes in their home.

mad scientist · 06-24-2010, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

And mad scientist, I think the "house rules" thing is fine. If my parents, at their house, wanted to set certain rules about dinnertime, we would either try to abide by them or just decline the invitation. I certainly wouldn't go against their wishes in their home.

Oh I didn't think you would. What I meant is that some kids seem to have difficulty with the idea that different kids may be allowed to do different things (because their parents set different rules). For the sake of a peaceful dinner, it might be worthwhile setting rules for all the kids to follow.

I didn't comment on the preschool thing... I happen to be a parent that thinks that the right preschool environment can be a really wonderful experience for kids. But for your nephew, being home with Mom seems to be where he needs to be for now. I hope she can see that and find a way to make that happen.

Now that its summer holidays, maybe she could use the money she would spend on daycare/preschool and hire a teenager to be a "mother's helper" at home? That way she can spend time with both kids, but not feel totally overwhelmed.

PixieCurl · 06-24-2010, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mad scientist

Now that its summer holidays, maybe she could use the money she would spend on daycare/preschool and hire a teenager to be a "mother's helper" at home? That way she can spend time with both kids, but not feel totally overwhelmed.

This is a FANTASTIC idea and if I can think of a way to suggest it without sounding like I'm giving unsolicited advice, I definitely will.