birth story blues

Maybe you shouldn't write your birth story right now. You're not going to forget it, and it's something you can put off until you feel more positive about it.

Birth plans are kind of a joke in my opinion. Theres just no way you can plan for something that happens so spontaneously and so naturally. I think your story is amazing, and I think most people will hear it that way and not think of it as an unplanned disappointment like you do right now.
Originally Posted by iroc
i agree with the bold.

but i think birth plans are important ... to an extent. i think they are more a guide to have something to start with so that everyone involved will know how the mother will want people to interact with her, at least until she says she desires something different.

because birth is unpredictable and raw and oftentimes not pretty at all, i think it's beneficial to be flexible in your wishes and either have a back-up plan(s) or even be open to the possibility of things happening that you haven't envisioned. but when you have in your mind only one way that a birth can occur that will make you content, you may be creating an opportunity for feelings of disappointment or failure when the unpredictable happens that won't cooperate with the only birth plan you created for yourself. that's my take.
Originally Posted by rainshower
I agree with all of the above. Another thing about birth plans, if you know what you want ideally and put it together early, it's a great tool for evaluating your ob/midwife. You can tell a lot from their reactions to having a birth plan at all and to the specifics in it. If they are dismissive about it when you are sitting in their office at 16 weeks, you can bet they will be even more dismissive when you are at 4cm or 41 weeks.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
On the gender-disappointment thing...I can relate...

I wanted a girl with every one of my pregnancies, but I only got 1 girl out of 4. After the first baby (a boy), I decided that I wasn't going to be surprised anymore. I wanted to know in advance what they were. Knowing before birth was very valuable to me. It enabled me to fall in love with the baby I was getting, not the fantasy-baby I thought I wanted. I didn't want to mar the actual birth-day with any disappointment on my part. There's something to be said for having 20 weeks to adjust.
We were against using an ultrasound unless medically necessary. With #2 it wasn't so, there was no way for us to know. Unless there's some new trick out there I'm not aware of.
hello.world.
I don't think anyone is chasing the "perfect" birth. I think it's more of a want to have more control over what should be a mostly naturally occurring event. In my case it was a healthy, low risk pregnancy that ended in a surgery due to unnecessary medical interventions that snowballed. Yes, I don't know how it would have ended if I had not been induced, but maybe that's part of the problem. I didn't feel I had the option to find out because it turns into a "hurry up, let's get that baby out" once you go past 40 weeks.

Then you're supposed to shut up and be happy because you had a healthy kid.

I am mostly over it, but it does take time. I can understand why Amneris is disappointed--it's still very recent for her.
Originally Posted by gemini
What I mean by chasing the perfect birth is to emphasize that homebirth has its own pitfalls. I had both my babies at home. I was pissed at my hubby for a long time for not waking up while I was in active labor and I had to scream at him to call the midwife. Then I was pissed because when our son came out he had a disappointed look on his face (he really wanted a girl). I was pissed at myself for not understanding my body well enough to know that I was in active labor and to have the waterbirth I wanted.

Not to mention no orgasmic birth!!!! (Ok, I kid. I think that's just wild.)

The list goes on and on.

But I'm supposed to be happy, just like hospital-birth moms, that I had a healthy kid, and most certainly not ***** because I had a homebirth.

It took time, but I got over it *precicely* because I gave myself the time and permission to grieve and recognize the humanity in the situation.

I hope Amneris gives herself the time to grieve - it's so important to coming to peace with such an important moment in her life.
Originally Posted by webjockey
Okay, I understand.

And to the bolded, (yup I have heard about that too)--talk about pressure to have the best birth evah.
We were against using an ultrasound unless medically necessary. With #2 it wasn't so, there was no way for us to know. Unless there's some new trick out there I'm not aware of.
Originally Posted by webjockey

No new tricks that I'm aware of.

But, I would consider my emotional health to be a valid medical necessity, so I would get an u/s anyway.
I'm really sorry things didn't turn out the way you hoped. Eventually your disappointment will fade and become a distant memory. It will lose it's importance and all your remember is the good stuff. Just give yourself time.

Congratz on the new baby!

I was disappointed at having a second boy too for a while. But it does have it's perks.
I had plenty of nurses and doctors that weren't listening to me when I knew what was going on, and arguing with me because apparently what they read in a book is what EVERY experience is going to be like. They pressure you and snowball you into doing what THEY want - but don't let them make you feel like you had no control because of them. You had no control because childbirth is just one of those things we have no control over, no matter how hard we try. You did the best you could, but nature won. That's all. It's not a bad thing. It's a natural life thing.
Originally Posted by iroc
I'm sorry, but that is letting crappy doctors/medwives/nurses off the hook. It wasn't nature, it was them. And there is a big difference between giving up your control to natural processes and having your control taken away by people who don't treat you respectfully.
Originally Posted by geeky
Well I know, but at this point, what are you going to do about it?

We both know this stuff happens. All. The. Time. And honestly, I think that blaming the doctors and nurses for forcing things on you is just going to fuel the fire. You're going to get angrier that your medical team acted the way they did, angrier that your concerns weren't addressed, angrier that your personal control was lost to other people, angrier at yourself that you didn't do something more...

At this point, for her own sense of we being, doesn't it make sense to just accept that stuff like this unfortunately happens and live and learn? Constantly finding people to put the blame on just makes it harder to move on, and harder to heal.
I'm sorry the end of your pregnancy and your labor/delivery did not go as you hoped. I had a horrible first birth experience and it took some time for me to think of it without tearing up.

Two things helped a lot. First, do you know who Pam England is? She's the midwife who wrote Birthing From Within. I had a few counseling sessions with her where she validated my feelings. She was the first person to tell me that I was treated poorly and that my feelings were normal. I don't know if she still does private counseling sessions and if it is possible by phone but here is her number. 505-243-0045 The second thing that helped was a better birth experience the next time. It wasn't perfect but I had more control over many aspects of it.

Gender disappointment: I was a little bummed to find out that #2 was a boy rather than a girl. I did find out at an u/s because I knew I needed the time to process the information if another boy. It didn't take long though. The relationship that brothers have is so wonderful and exciting to watch. My boys are 4 years apart and are already each other's best friends (at 1.5 and 5.5). I worry that number three will be ignored by them.

RCW is right about the lawyer treatment. I'm a lawyer married to a lawyer and I'm surprised my doctors don't just go ahead and hospitalize me the day I test positive.

Hugs to you! I'm glad you are talking about all of this now. It really will help.



"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
Well I know, but at this point, what are you going to do about it?

We both know this stuff happens. All. The. Time. And honestly, I think that blaming the doctors and nurses for forcing things on you is just going to fuel the fire. You're going to get angrier that your medical team acted the way they did, angrier that your concerns weren't addressed, angrier that your personal control was lost to other people, angrier at yourself that you didn't do something more...

At this point, for her own sense of we being, doesn't it make sense to just accept that stuff like this unfortunately happens and live and learn? Constantly finding people to put the blame on just makes it harder to move on, and harder to heal.
Originally Posted by iroc
I am not saying hang on to the anger. I am saying assign responsibility where it is due, and if there is a next time give your medical team the 3rd degree BEFORE you're in labor, and if you get the sense that they are going to treat you dismissively, fire them and find another team.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
I'm sorry you were bullied by your attendants, harassed by your family and then ignored by your midwife when you were in hard labor. You have every right to be mad and disappointed. It does not make you any less grateful for your baby, I know that.

Please forgive yourself, relax and enjoy your little boy. It's OK to be a little disappointed you did not get your girl, does not mean you love your little boy any less and as you get to know him you will love him more and more. And I agree that the first few months are an emotional whirlwind. As the hormones settle down and you get into the swing of things, it will take some of the raw edge of what you are feeling.
Originally Posted by geeky
Geeky said it for me.

Thanks again for sharing your birth story. I love hearing everyone's story. I wish you a full recovery. You have a lot to be proud of this year along with a high amount of stress. I hope your next few months allows you time to relax and de-stress and enjoy your boys.

Last edited by inheritedcurls; 06-15-2011 at 04:53 PM. Reason: grammer
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Congrats!
I can understand your disappointment, but as ic said, you had one helluva year, ya know? You're awesome!
I was not happy about my experience either, tho time has healed that. I have a smart, beautiful, awesome, loving kiddo & wouldn't change a thing.
I do believe everything happens for a reason......yeah, I know it's cliche...
Thank you everyone for your support. Several things that I want to comment on but I'm just going to address the gender issue for now.

rainshower... yes, I would like to have at least 1 or 2 more kids. But you never know what is going to happen. Hubby and I are getting older, fertility changes for a woman getting into the mid-30s and a man getting into the 40s, my career has to be a priority for a little while.... so there's no guarantee and I doubt I would take drastic medical steps to get pregnant and I am not a fan of adoption at this point. Being the worrier that I am I always look at the worst-case scenario, though in all likelihood, yes, I'll be pregnant again.

So I am operating with the idea that maybe this IS it for me. Also, although timing-wise I knew boys were more likely and I haven't actually "tried" for a girl, I am a little scared that hubby and I can only make boys, so I might just end up with 4 boys or something (not that that is a terrible thing, to have 4 healthy boys, but I do so want a girl.) And the absolute earliest I can contemplate getting pregnant again is fall 2012/spring 2013, so that's a long way away before there's even the possibility of a girl.

As to getting an ultrasound with the gender in RCW: advance, I am not sure about that. I feel like yes, I might be able to deal with any disappointment in advance, but also, if it was a girl, I would be taking away the surprise at the end of labour that I always wanted, and either way, taking away a BIG motivation to get through that last part of pregnancy and delivery. I have a girlfriend who had 3 boys then a girl, and she only found out the gender with her 3rd boy and she says she regrets it because it ruined the pregnancy for her and once he was here she was OK with it. I sort of think I'd feel the same way.

Webjockey: I do agree with RCW though that your mental / emotional health is a medical reason to do something in pregnancy. One of the reasons I'm having a hard time with my birth is that some people do act like the mother's emotional health is irrelevant and all we should be concerned about is the health of the baby. Yes of course that is important and we as mothers would be devastated if something went wrong with the baby, but it doesn't mean we don't also not want to feel physically violated or comfortable with the manner in which things proceed, etc.

I do think that the primary purpose of an ultrasound is NOT to find out the gender though... it is a medical procedure. For me, mine gave me some peace of mind when no obvious problems were spotted - I know it's not 100%, but a positive ultrasound is a good reason to relax/celebrate for me. Another reason I did not want to take away from that with a potentially disappointing gender result.

I am not that disappointed now though... in the back of my mind is the thought that I want a girl, but I don't have any preconceived notions about girl vs. boy, and each child is their own person regardless of gender.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I am sorry that you had such a hard time with your birth. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I had a c-section with #1, and sometimes to this day I still feel pangs of anger and all of that.

You had a great support system there in your husband and your mom, though, so ITA with whomever said that you are lucky to have them there.

If there is a next time, you know know that you need to be extremely verbal about what you want and don't want.

As for gender disappointment, I remember feeling the same way before we knew what #2 was. My cousin was pregnant at the same time, and there was just NO WAY she could have a girl...*I* needed to have a girl. Yes, I know this goes way deeper than jealousy, lol...but I remember feeling that I would have been crushed if I didn't have a girl as my #2 baby.

Enjoy your new baby, congrats!
Saw my midwife today for the 6 week PP checkup. We talked about it and she apologized for how it went for me, but basically said she would take the same approach with anyone who was 42 weeks +. She also said I tore because the ambulance report shows that the baby presented with his hand next to head so I had to stretch more. She let the hospital know they should rethink the policy of sending people home after gel application, and she said next time they have a meeting for the midwives in their practice + supervisors they will discuss my case. In all her years of midwifery, she's NEVER had anyone go as long as I did. I also got a survey to fill out with my feedback.

I feel more heard at least.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I do believe everything happens for a reason......yeah, I know it's cliche...
Originally Posted by Wile E Coyote - Shaken Not Stirred
Are you freakin' kidding me? You have to be the most insensitive person on this board. How would you feel if someone put that on the thread about your mother?


Amneris, I'm so sorry your birth experience was not at all what you wanted, but I'm glad you finally feel heard.
I used to have a signature but it disappeared and I just couldn't be bothered writing another so please feel free to ingore this.
Saw my midwife today for the 6 week PP checkup. We talked about it and she apologized for how it went for me, but basically said she would take the same approach with anyone who was 42 weeks +. She also said I tore because the ambulance report shows that the baby presented with his hand next to head so I had to stretch more. She let the hospital know they should rethink the policy of sending people home after gel application, and she said next time they have a meeting for the midwives in their practice + supervisors they will discuss my case. In all her years of midwifery, she's NEVER had anyone go as long as I did. I also got a survey to fill out with my feedback.

I feel more heard at least.
Originally Posted by Amneris

The 2 statements that I bolded scream "MEDwife" to me.

I've hung around with midwives a fair amount, and they regularly see women who go 42+ weeks...to 43 occasionally, and even to 44 weeks every-once-in-a-blue-moon. A midwife who never sees such a thing...spends way too much time with OB's.

You tore because you didn't have a qualified attendant catching your baby. Ambulance attendants get very little practice at birth at all, let alone a hand-to-face presentation. You could/should have come out unscathed.

Sad that her answer to a mismanaged induction is to just do more mismanaged inductions in the hospital.
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I do believe everything happens for a reason......yeah, I know it's cliche...
Originally Posted by Wile E Coyote - Shaken Not Stirred
Are you freakin' kidding me? You have to be the most insensitive person on this board. How would you feel if someone put that on the thread about your mother?
Originally Posted by CGE
That was uncalled for, CGE.
I thought CGE nailed it...
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Please don't add to the insensitivity here. I'm glad that some people here are worthy of the ability to 'put themselves in someone else's shoes' but let's not expect that everyone is going to see the situation the same.

Especially a person who is going through an emotional time.

It's interesting that you would call WileE insensitive. Maybe both of you could practice some sensitivity as well.
I thought CGE nailed it...
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Please don't add to the insensitivity here. I'm glad that some people here are worthy of the ability to 'put themselves in someone else's shoes' but let's not expect that everyone is going to see the situation the same.

Especially a person who is going through an emotional time.

It's interesting that you would call WileE insensitive. Maybe both of you could practice some sensitivity as well.
Originally Posted by iroc

I'm pretty sure WileE can handle herself. No need for you to rap my knuckles, mom.

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